To be honest, it is killing me. Every time I talk with somebody I have a lot of confidence and friendship at work with, it's like having a muzzle in my mouth. The people I have a better relation with tend to worry about myself. Why I am so skinny now, why I want to change my appearance that much, and... The better I have a relationship with somebody, the gloomier and depressed I feel, so talking with them is awkward, making me look like a little piggy going to the slaughterhouse.


Every time I am asked the same question: How do you feel? How's today? Are you better? By default I always reply "Tired. Very Tired". I just want to pick one of those people I can trust, and privately explain to them everything. The only time I had gotten a bit of relief is when on last monday I opened to a therapist from an LGBT association and felt I could be myself.


But I still don't know how they would deal. I have changed a bit my appearance by removing my male defensive behaviour, depilating everywhere waxing my eyebrows, or removing my beard shadow with laser... The person with the most suspicions is like my best friend at work. She knows that oddly I understand a bit too much about fashion or make-up, but I probably look more like gay or metrosexual to her (Already told me a few times "You look like a girl"). I want to at least tell her one morning during our coffee reccess when we are alone. We have a good relationship, since she has helped me on my darkest moments (When they tried to fire me) and have been trying to repay her (One or two gifts for her sons that they loved it).

But whenever I'm back to the mirror, I see the Man-shell again. I have a manly face, ugly and deformed it (it can be my BDD, whenever I look too much at the mirror or photos I curse my face and the  testosterone and end crying again). I am afraid that if I tell her, she will think I am joking, or that I am just plain crazy. They know that I'm on antidepressants to keep going and actually worried about how depressed I am every day, but... I don't know what to do.

When I was with that therapist on monday talking for around 90 minutes, she was extremely convinced that I was real, bu I still haven't been seen by the official GD therapist (which is also a psychiatrist). I don't have a gender dysphoria diagnose and I believe to have other mental issues (body dysmorphia and maybe ADD. I think I overcame this last one just by being extra careful, but the BDD is filling my mind with deformity obsessions constantly, not letting me work properly), so I'm afraid of telling to later being told "You don't have Dysphoria, it was caused by XXXXX. Take this pill and go home to being a man".

What to do, What to do. It's the same as usual, I'm not confident of telling a person I may be seeing on a daily basis if I don't have proof to back my feelings. Like when my father said "Do you have a medical proof? I don't believe you".

To sum it up, I want to come out, but I doubt I would get a "we were imagining that" replay. I don't have a female looking face that causes confussion, soft skin (oily, pig pores, dark eye circles and a acne ourburst from time to time(, a girly voice and today I am wearing standard wide clothing, nothing skinny or androgynous (I don't have that much clothing). This, paired with how disgusting and malformed and asymmetrical I see myself , makes me think that it is going to be like Frankenstein telling them he wants to be a girl. And without an "official proof", It feels even more fake.



Things have changed a lot since I started to accept myself. At first I only wanted the female body, even if it was a secret only I could see. But now that I know, I want to be seen, stop lying and say what's been on my mind for the last months. I'm tired of telling lies about why I feel so bad and disconnected, having them altering my conversations. But... What if I am wrong? I still have not been with the gatekeeping therapist.

OK

I kew for certain where I was coming from but many of the issues are the same.

The main issue as always is fear.

I knew I was female, I know I'm female, and I now live as me, totally female.

So how did I do it? Just my experience. You can trace my story easily on this site I started as a terrified little boy, and I think I may be possibly accepted as one of the old woman on the site.

To put myself in perspective I live in Australia, which is a very accepting place. Although I didn't  know it at the time.

When I decided I had to live more and more female I did start to alter my appearance, I wore more androgynous  clothes, nail varnish, jewellery, had my ears pierced. Why?

Two reasons, every step I took helped me and my confidence. I was terrified of having my ears pierced in case some one screamed out 'poofter' to me. No one did and the ear rings became bigger and then the second set came in. I got my face lasered. That takes a long time and it is quite funny that people don't notice. You notice, but the effect is gradual, so people don't see it unless they know. Had my eyebrows shaped. People don't notice. They don't expect it so they don't see it. My confidence grew.

What does that do?

In fact that is what helps. You become you. People start noticing you. Not as the guy who has gone all 'pansy' wearing strange not too masculine clothes, who wears ear rings etc.  But they see you as you.

When I came out the comment I got was Oh I didn't realise you were changing I just thought you were getting so happy, and that was so good as you have been so sad.

But what does it do for you?

The word. CONFIDENCE.

It takes time but suddenly you realise that Apple likes to see Apple in the morning. She has her breakfast and she does her shower etc and gets ready for work etc and actually enjoys being Apple. She can talk to people about the new ear rings, have a joke about the cute sweater.

Suddenly Apple doesn't feel so suicidal anymore. Maybe Apple thinks, I can have a life.

So you push it a bit further, talk to therapists, talk about where you want to be.

And then. If YOU wish you go for it.

For me? Biggest let down, everyone knew no one cared, everyone was accepting and guess what? That whole life you had been missing was there all the time.

The only person who didn't know was you.

Now?

I'm me. Just a normal woman. who does normal woman things.

What does it feel like?

Very Normal.

Cindy

Quote from: Apple Seed on October 26, 2012, 03:08:04 AM
But I still don't know how they would deal. I have changed a bit my appearance by removing my male defensive behaviour, depilating everywhere waxing my eyebrows, or removing my beard shadow with laser... The person with the most suspicions is like my best friend at work. She knows that oddly I understand a bit too much about fashion or make-up, but I probably look more like gay or metrosexual to her (Already told me a few times "You look like a girl"). I want to at least tell her one morning during our coffee reccess when we are alone. We have a good relationship, since she has helped me on my darkest moments (When they tried to fire me) and have been trying to repay her (One or two gifts for her sons that they loved it).

You can never know how people will react but you have to trust someone sometime.  I know you have not had the 'official GID' diagnosis so tell part of the truth. Tell her that you are having issues that you undergoing therapy for and it makes you feel very unsettled. Tell her that you hope to get more settled very shortly and leave it there. That way you will have prepared the ground for what is to come. She may even guess or press you for more details, but you can either tell her or say you want to wait until your next session. You can continue in a general way letting her that something is on the way.

One warning - when you tell something to anyone, expect that it will no longer be a secret. There is a plus to this, it saves you having to tell everyone over and over and over again.

Quote from: Apple Seed on October 26, 2012, 03:08:04 AMI'm afraid of telling to later being told "You don't have Dysphoria, it was caused by XXXXX. Take this pill and go home to being a man".

If such a pill existed none of us would be transitioning. Look at the bright side, suppose they discover that you do not have GID and you have XXXX syndrome and it is treatable, then they will treat you for that and you will feel better and you can tell people "Wow! I am glad that is sorted. You would not believe how it screwed up my mind" and people will slap you on your back and tell you what a lucky escape you had - and they would be right.

So do not worry about it. Go with what you know. It looks like GID, it sounds like GID, so it probably is GID. You can always say it is a preliminary diagnosis and it needs confirmation. People will accept that.

Quote from: Cindy James on October 26, 2012, 03:35:18 AM
For me? Biggest let down, everyone knew no one cared, everyone was accepting and guess what? That whole life you had been missing was there all the time.

I had the same. I am getting so d*mned mad that everyone I tell accepts it so calmly. No one EVER makes a song and dance about it. I get no entertainment from watching folk fly off the deep end. Every wretched individual tells me I am being so brave and they wish me the best or they support me. No one faints, no one screams at me. It is enough to drive a woman mad!!!!!!! Where are the histrionics and fainting fits?!?!?? I feel cheated!

Quote from: Cindy James on October 26, 2012, 03:35:18 AM
I'm me. Just a normal woman. who does normal woman things.

What does it feel like?

Very Normal.

It is indeed something of an anti-climax to be normal...... but it is better than going crazy.

Quote from: bev2 on October 26, 2012, 03:57:59 AM
If such a pill existed none of us would be transitioning.

Speak for yourself!

So, should I wait a bit more until I have my first therapy session with the the official one from the gender identity Unit? Or discuss it first with the gd therapist from the association? I think she wanted to see me again, maybe on monday, but I can't say for sure. I was so up in the clouds when leaving that I can't remember a single thing and I will have to contact her again to know it for sure.


Or maybe wait until I have managed to achieve the androgynous presentation? It's hard, but it is terrifying to think all of these feelings that I seem to have re conciliated with after so many years could only be a sign of another thing. I keep mentally changing more and more every day (when I am not getting depressed thanks to the BDD remembering my uglyness, deformity and feeling broken) , but it all conflicts with my outer body.

Quote from: Apple Seed on October 26, 2012, 04:33:12 AM
So, should I wait a bit more until I have my first therapy session with the the official one from the gender identity Unit? Or discuss it first with the gd therapist from the association?

Do whatever helps. If you can wait then wait. If you need to talk to someone at work then talk to them. You have a medical issue and you are dealing with it. Make that clear.

Quote from: Apple Seed on October 26, 2012, 04:33:12 AM
I think she wanted to see me again, maybe on monday, but I can't say for sure. I was so up in the clouds when leaving that I can't remember a single thing and I will have to contact her again to know it for sure.

Phone and see if you can go on Monday because it sounds like it is doing you a lot of good so it would be a shame to miss it.

Quote from: Apple Seed on October 26, 2012, 04:33:12 AM
Or maybe wait until I have managed to achieve the androgynous presentation?

Do not worry about your presentation it will sort itself.

Bev and I echo, you may wonder why? Because there is nothing to fear.

Do what you are comfortable with. No Fear. Be yourself.

If the walls shake, and the ground opens up  and the evil lord f;ashes stuff to the sky and the ground shakes; make sure you have it on the photos.


If it ends up as 'so what' we told you so.

Fear is what fear is. Nothing.

No matter how difficult it is to understand, you are NORMAL.

Difficult to get over.

I have come out to a few people at work, most of which was accidental. They really did not care. They said at least that explains why you are so much happier. From my experience, people understand better than I thought they would.

I totally agree with Cindy and Bev, there is nothing to fear. Yes, it is scary at first. But, once you get going you realize that there really was no reason to be afraid.

I did it.

Wow, my head feels so weak now.

How did it go? Are you OK?

She was not expecting that one, but well, I had promised to explain why I was so depressed, losing health and weight, and sudden dressing changes. She told me that I still looked quite masculine, not like those gay men that go waltzing around. She still remembered that when she got back from vacation I looked completely different (is the one that said that I looked kinda femme), at least on how I moved (I stopped with the foot over foot walking some time ago, but maybe it was the difficulty walking with the custom inserts).

She took it better than I was expecting, although... Again the question about my sexual orientation. In the end she was holding my arm when we left the coffee shop. "If it helps you feel better finally..." "You will have to tell me how I need to call or gender you. I will do it when nobody is listening..."


And she was already proposing names. Seriously...

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
She was not expecting that one, but well, I had promised to explain why I was so depressed, losing health and weight, and sudden dressing changes.

Well, when my cousin got 'The Letter' she thought to herself 'Well I never expected that'. She thought I had cancer (big weight loss).

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
She told me that I still looked quite masculine, not like those gay men that go waltzing around.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
She still remembered that when she got back from vacation I looked completely different (is the one that said that I looked kinda femme), at least on how I moved (I stopped with the foot over foot walking some time ago, but maybe it was the difficulty walking with the custom inserts).

My sister-in-law said that she spotted I was walking like a woman about 18 months ago which came as a shock to me because at the family gathering in question I was dressed as male and quite depressed about it as I was not out to my family yet. So when she found out it all fell into place for her as well.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
She took it better than I was expecting, although...

That has been the case with almost everyone in my experience.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
Again the question about my sexual orientation.

Everyone seems to ask that. I just say that there is no change.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
In the end she was holding my arm when we left the coffee shop. "If it helps you feel better finally..." "You will have to tell me how I need to call or gender you. I will do it when nobody is listening..."

It sounds good. I find women are generally very supportive. It still surprises me when men are supportive although to date only one has not been so maybe I should be more forgiving towards men.

Are you starting to feel better about this whole process? More confident? Has this coming out been helpful or even theraputic? Also remember that coming out like this counts (or should do) with the gender therapists as it shows that you have the potential to be known as female and to cope with it so transition is not likely to be harmful to you.

I am very glad for you that it went so well.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
And she was already proposing names. Seriously...

Choose the name YOU are comfortable with. It takes some getting used to so pick one you like. I actually like my middle name more than my first name, but I could not be bothered changing my initials or my signature and I like my first name well enough.

Quote from: bev2 on November 12, 2012, 11:11:33 AM
Are you starting to feel better about this whole process? More confident? Has this coming out been helpful or even theraputic? Also remember that coming out like this counts (or should do) with the gender therapists as it shows that you have the potential to be known as female and to cope with it so transition is not likely to be harmful to you.

It is both good and bad. I don't know, previously I was trying to do thousands of things. Movement, voice, make up... and failing at everything. Now I am doing pretty much nothing. Apart from gradually adapting my voice and trying small things (like applying nail polish properly), I have lost that obsession with preparing. It's more like "There is plenty of time to change everything during the transition". I may try to learn how to use the eyeliner again some day, but I still don't do anything. I have gone back to playing videogames, hanging back with my friends... But I'm not working at all on anything, specially the voice thing. I don't know if ater tomorrow I will know what happen's with my brathing, or waiting until they start to realign my jaw with braces... I think I'm procrastrinating again. I'm happy with just finishing getting completely in shape and adapting my clothing style to androginous mode. I know that if I run too much I will go back to obsession and depression mode.


On the mental side, it's going quick, maybe too quick. At first I felt like a liar and faking it. but as soon as you start being gendered correctly, people believe you,... Changes and acceptance come far too quick to the mind. I think I'm even losing the non-binary thought I had of myself. After getting the VFFS evaluation I stopped obsessing about my face, and I have set a plan for my health issues that were driving me crazy, so I am more calm now.

At first I have a real issue for gendering myself, now it is natural. I look in the mirror and I see a woman that needs to be shaped correctly, more than having a complete hate for my body.

The downside? Genital Dysphoria. The more I change mentally, the more I hate that part. I never though I would be so sure about SRS in the end. And other things I never thought I would want.

Quote
Choose the name YOU are comfortable with. It takes some getting used to so pick one you like. I actually like my middle name more than my first name, but I could not be bothered changing my initials or my signature and I like my first name well enough.

I was thinking on something with the letter "N", but it is hard to decide. When I accept myself more, it will be easier to pick one... For now it's too weird.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 01:01:24 PM
It is both good and bad. I don't know, previously I was trying to do thousands of things. Movement, voice, make up... and failing at everything. Now I am doing pretty much nothing. Apart from gradually adapting my voice and trying small things (like applying nail polish properly), I have lost that obsession with preparing. It's more like "There is plenty of time to change everything during the transition".

That is right. There is plenty of time and you have a lot to get used to so there is no rush about it. The trick is to keep moving forward but to be as comfortable as you can with each change before moving to the next change.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 01:01:24 PM
I may try to learn how to use the eyeliner again some day, but I still don't do anything. I have gone back to playing videogames, hanging back with my friends... But I'm not working at all on anything, specially the voice thing.

We all have to relax. If that is what works for you then do it.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 01:01:24 PM
On the mental side, it's going quick, maybe too quick. At first I felt like a liar and faking it. but as soon as you start being gendered correctly, people believe you,... Changes and acceptance come far too quick to the mind.

It does take a while, but it can be drug like. Once you get used to it, you want more of it. That is not unusual either so do not worry if you feel that way.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 01:01:24 PM
I think I'm even losing the non-binary thought I had of myself. After getting the VFFS evaluation I stopped obsessing about my face, and I have set a plan for my health issues that were driving me crazy, so I am more calm now.

Well, that has to be good for you. Having an obsession helps no one.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 01:01:24 PM
At first I have a real issue for gendering myself, now it is natural. I look in the mirror and I see a woman that needs to be shaped correctly, more than having a complete hate for my body.

Once again, that sounds healthier than what you had previously. Make sure to mention it to the therapists.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 01:01:24 PM
The downside? Genital Dysphoria. The more I change mentally, the more I hate that part. I never though I would be so sure about SRS in the end. And other things I never thought I would want.

Well, things change as we journey onward. I never thought much about SRS either, but as I progress I can see the advantages of it and I am fairly certain that it would be very beneficial for me, so 12 months ago I would have said 'no' to SRS whereas when the question next arises I will be saying 'yes' to it.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 12, 2012, 01:01:24 PM
I was thinking on something with the letter "N", but it is hard to decide. When I accept myself more, it will be easier to pick one... For now it's too weird.

Take time. Do it when you are comfortable. There will probably come a point when you simply want to change it. That is how I and many friends I know felt - we simply were so uncomfortable with a male identity that the name just had to go and we knew it was right for us. The same may happen for you. If it does then just go with it.

Overall I think you have come a long way in a short time and I think it is good for you. These preoccupations are healthier than the hang-ups you were suffering from.

Wait, I wrote "gradually adapting my voice"... Too obsessed. I was writing "Gradually adapting my presentation / image / clothing" and that came into my mind.

The biggest improvement I have had on these months is going from moving like a hunchback on a peg leg to moving like robocop. I still have a lot to do to recover from that leg, but my posture and balance has increased a lot. Full postural and feet / legs check-up on november.

I started feeling broken after finding so many weird things with my body, and that fueled the BDD. Now I'm setting one thing for each year. Dental Braces on 2012, ptosis repair on 2013, hyperpronation implant in 2014 (goodbye, orthotic inserts, hello heels).

But for now, main goal is body improvement. I may have lost weight, but I still look flabby and pathetic. I need to get back into diet, and recover my exercise rutine. I need to obtain muscle tone, for health and aesthetical needs.

And here comes the second one that was also planning to explain to:

"I was expecting something like that. You have been giving me a lot of hints."

She is quite used to having transgendered clients coming to his husband's Ice Cream shop in groups, and given the fact that she's has spent a long time in Brazil, she is no stranger to this.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 13, 2012, 09:09:02 AM
And here comes the second one that was also planning to explain to:

"I was expecting sometime like that. You left too many cues about it

She is quite used to having transgendered clients coming to his husband Ice Cream shop in groups, and given the fact that she's has spend a long time in Brazi, she is no stranger to it.

Manzanita, that is wonderful. My friend, it gratifies me to see that you are having more moments of embracing your self, and fewer moments of self negation. Sometimes people are better at seeing us than we are at seeing ourselves. The world will see the wonderful person you are showing to it. Maybe that will help you to start seeing that wonderful person with your own eyes as well.

Quote from: Apple Seed on November 13, 2012, 09:09:02 AM
"I was expecting something like that. You have been giving me a lot of hints.

You mean that, so far, people have not stood round in a circle and pointed at you or stoned you?

Well.... I bet you were not expecting that

So far, so good. Keep it up. Keep being honest about yourself to others and it is amazing how quickly you will start to feel better about yourself. Let the therapist deal with your family. Keep coming out to people you feel you can trust, build up a network who know and who you can start to be yourself with.

Yep, the person I told yesterday was now seeing me in a complete different light.

Still, I need to be careful. I can't go in a "closet spree" or something like that.

And here goes the third one. This one was a bit different. We were in the metro, and I briefly showed here the official paper from the GID Unit.

The conversation flowed in a public transport without using key words. She was more worried about everything this implied, and regarded it as an incredibly complex and difficult proccess. And she was worried about that if I do not over come my fear, shyness and anxiety, I won't be able to succeed.


Guess that I am a bit more concerned about carefully outing myself after reading that paper. Duration of the therapy before HRT: Between 3 and 12 months, dependind on how the RLE stage develops.