Since I'm borderline having a panic/anxiety attack, I decided to just come on here and rant.

I've never seen a post about this so I'll talk about it.

TRIGGER WARNING TO MY GIRLFRIEND: Babe, you know what this is about. I've talked to you about it before. If it's going to trigger you or make you feel horrible, please don't read. I love you <3

Here I go; (This is going to be all over the place, sorry!)

I LOVE my girlfriend. As a lot of you know we actually met on here, fell in love the first night. Literally the second night of talking and it was official. She then came here to Canada last summer and it was heads over heels instantly. Now we've been together for a year and some months. We have no intentions what so ever to end it any time soon. (I'm pre-t, she's over a year on hrt, in case you were curious.)

I've known I was a boy since the age of 13(as far as I can remember, mom says it was earlier.)
Basically, I always told myself I'd grow up being this stereotypical man, I'd have a cis-girlfriend, maybe even kids, and a house with a white picked fence. I've never wanted anything more but to just be average. I don't like attention, I don't like being out of the norm. I enjoy just being average. If the majority of society wore grey t-shirts, I'd be wearing a grey t-shirt along side everyone. If you think that's wrong, I don't need to hear it. Its just what I've always wanted.

Well fate slapped me in the face HARD. I fell in love with a trans girl. Obviously NOTHING is wrong with that. I wouldn't change her for the world. She's my damn life, and I'd risk anything for her.

But here's the thing; I never thought about this before since we weren't physically together, but I realized we make it a thousand times harder for the both of us to pass. My hands make hers seem bigger, while hers make mine seem smaller. Everyone compares her traits to mine, and vice versa. Our face, our shoulders, everything. I make all her masculine traits stand out and she makes all my feminine traits stand out. We basically out each other without wanting too. We both have to work twice as hard to pass.

We literally inspect each other before going out because if she doesn't pass, I don't and if I don't pass, she doesn't(most of the time.) Or here's another one; if I pass and she doesn't, I have to make a decision. Do I stay quiet about being trans or do I out myself? She has to make the same decision if the opposite happens. It's confusing and stressful for the both of us.

She's back in her country right now so I shouldn't worry about this but I'm just anxious about the future and how all this is going to mess with us. We both desperately want to go stealth, it's a must for us. We both want to just be an average straight couple. It just hurts knowing we're basically sabotaging each others chances of passing when we're together.

Fate is basically telling me ''Your soul mate or the stealth life. Your pick?''

Obviously I'd NEVER give up my girl for something selfish like that.
It's just stressful and causes anxiety.

I've never read anything about this on here, so I'm curious as to what others have to say.

I'm not looking for any specific reply, this was just a rant to get t off my chest.

I'm gonna echo fierce girl. Do you plan on getting on T? That should drastically reduce the passing problem. You'll just look like a regular (albeit short and slight if you are) cisguy. She may still stand out as a larger lady, but people may just chalk it up to a Sonny and Cher type thing.

That's not to say things don't suck now, but it may just be temporary.

I'm 5'4" and a slight 180 pounds(20 of which will be lost with top surgery  )

I've always been attracted to larger girls, 5'10"-6'3" on average. And these are cis-females. The transwomen I've been attracted to are also 5'10"+

So, yeah, I feel you.

The things to remember/ask yourself:

1) What is more important to you right now? Her or your passing?

2) Are you secure enough in your manhood to step up if someone says something?

3) Are you going to be fixing the things that are hurting the situation(getting on T, top surgery, etc)?

4) Is there any other underlying issues at hand(ie, internal struggle with yourself and your appearance, issues with hers that you won't admit willingly to anyone, etc)? If there are, can you work through them?


In all things, remember, the outside world doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. You are who you are, and no amount of ignorance or misplaced pronouns will change that.

When I'm alone, I pass most of the time even without t. But yes, I'm starting hrt in January (Needs to come faster.)
so I guess because I've been so used to passing for so long, not being able to freaked me out.

Like a lot of you have said;
T will make such a difference, I know it will help my anxiety so much.
January needs to come faster.

Quote from: Adrian_Michael on November 22, 2012, 10:19:55 AM
The things to remember/ask yourself:

1) What is more important to you right now? Her or your passing?

2) Are you secure enough in your manhood to step up if someone says something?

3) Are you going to be fixing the things that are hurting the situation(getting on T, top surgery, etc)?

4) Is there any other underlying issues at hand(ie, internal struggle with yourself and your appearance, issues with hers that you won't admit willingly to anyone, etc)? If there are, can you work through them?


In all things, remember, the outside world doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. You are who you are, and no amount of ignorance or misplaced pronouns will change that.

Her. Didn't even have to think about that one. The answer is 'her' over basically anything.
Except my cat, my girlfriend comes after my cat

I'm assuming you're talking if she's outed and not me; If she was okay, I don't think I would out myself.
But if I saw any sign of distress obviously I'd take care of her above anything, even if that means outing myself.

I'm getting the package deal.

I'm starting hrt in January, been waiting for 5 years(was too young before.) For some reason the closer we get to the date, the more irritable and anxious I get. I don't know if it's because of the excitement or what. So that's an inner struggle that's making me over think everything. Obviously being pre-t makes me extremely insecure as well.

Teen sweethearts both born as opposite sex

Jayr I think that you are both lucky to have found someone you love.  I know it's easier said than done, but who cares what people think when you go out.  There are certain things you can change and ones we can't.  Going on t will help, but you won't ever be able to change the size of your hands or the width of your shoulders or hers for that matter.  I think people in todays society balk at ANYTHING that is outside of the 'norm' so you kind of just have to tune them out.  I am not even 5'3 and am built fairly small, and have dated men that are anywhere from 5'1 to 6'5.  When I went out in public with the guy that was 5'1 people did make comments and some snickered, it made me feel gigantic next to him.  I had fun with him, so I chose not to care.  It's hard to do, but you just need to focus on each other and try to ignore everyone and just not think about any negative thoughts that they may be thinking.  9 times out of 10 it's all in your head and people aren't really thinking what you think they are anyway. Good luck

When I was still in the closet, living as a guy during the week, living as a female while in another city with my girlfriend (who was also transitioning), well...  I had been attending support meetings as a M2F and I met this other M2F and sorta fell in love with her.  So then I began spending every weekend with her and it was incredible because even though I wasn't out in my community, I was able to live as a woman from Friday till Monday morning with her.

It was a really wonderful, and very painful experience that tore me to pieces.

What I found was that transition changes people.  And actually my girlfriend was ahead of me.  She had been full-time and on prescribed medication for a full year when I met her.  The way our relationship worked was that she was number one, I had to make her feel like the woman while we were together.  And my own transition had to take a backseat to hers because she was saving every penny for surgery, so I had to pay for everything.  I know it sounds bad but it gets worse.

Anyway... not only was I deeply in love with her but I believed that the only way I would ever be able to transition was with her help, by moving in with her.  Her interests changed and once she got closer to being able to afford surgery she only wanted to be with a woman who had been born female.  The relationship was wonderful and horrible, for every wonderful high moment there were equally low moments and when we finally broke up I felt like my insides had been torn out of me and like the wind was blowing through the empty, ripped-out center of my being.

My point is people change.  Transition changes people.  I'm not the same person that I was before or even during transition.  Transition is amazing and it changes people, hormones change people, surgery changes people.  The world could blow up tomorrow or even tonight, why worry about it?

Transition changes people so much and when it doesn't change people, well in my opinion that would be even worse.

During transition both my girlfriend and I were entirely needy and our relationship only worked while we had things in common and even then it didn't really work very well except I made it work because I needed it so badly, I needed to be female and being with her gave me that freedom, free from fear.  After we broke up I had to cultivate the strength to overcome my fears and go full-time.  It took a while and my heart was broken the whole time.

I don't recommend being in a relationship during transition, sure it may work but you don't know who you are going to be or what is going to appeal to you by the time you are finished with transition.  For instance I want to move and I just broke up with a guy, because he was going to tie me more tightly to a place I want to move away from.  I would recommend becoming who you really are before committing to anyone else.  And compromise sucks.