One thing I know is that I've never been comfortable being forced into female roles, dress attire, and for the most part female pronouns being used to describe me. I've never felt right in the body I was born into even when I had some self esteem, it just doesn't feel like the right one, the right sex. Now that I have more freedom, not much but at least now I don't have to worry about being beaten severely and literally locked in a room about it, I started to do some research. I came to the conclusion that I am trans, a FtM.

The whole ordeal has been a long string of compromises. When I found out SRS for FtMs was not nearly as advanced as I'd hoped it would be I became really depressed and tried to force myself to accept my body and GAAB. Later I heard about HRT and programs that can help you get it affordably, found out about packers and I was really amped and made the compromise that if I couldn't get reassignment surgery due to lack of medical advances in the area and cost I could at least start HRT and wear a packer and binder or tight fitting sports bra since I currently can't afford a binder since the holidays wipe my wallet out. Then I find out I shouldn't even be on T because it increases the risk of ovarian and other reproductive cancers. Now there is absolutely no way I can afford that. I have disabilities and cannot even work full time, let alone two jobs to be able to afford this, and I'm 99% sure no insurance program I could afford would cover these surgeries in full or even in large part which is the only way I could have it done. I started to become depressed. But I kept my head up because I knew I would have to wait to start HRT anyway due to family issues and one that could affect my partner getting life saving medical care, that one is a long story but there you have it.

The last straw that broke the camel's back on this long line of compromises was when I decided to still try to have some hope. I once again tried to be positive, even though I know that never really ends up helping me in the long run yet every time I get the stupid idea maybe it will or maybe something will actually work out in my favor. So I decided to buy myself a packer and some men's clothes. The men's pants and I tried a lot, went with the ones that did it least still show off my stupid curvy bottom half, so I got a few baggy longer shirts. With some longer shirts, packer, male clothing in general, a new shorter haircut I actually started to get confident that maybe I could pass as male in appearance. Maybe in general if I could find a way to learn voice exercises and how to better utilize them. So I posted a picture that I have since removed because I got to feeling very self conscious and paranoid, to see if I passed. I was told I don't pass as male, but that I pretty much pass as androgynous. Which I guess is sort of better than being ID'd as female all the time, but it still doesn't help me.

The confused part comes from the fact that I don't feel like I have no gender or that I'm androgynous/gender neutral. I definitely feel as though I should be in a male body. But I don't mind wearing skirts once in a great while if they aren't excessively "girly" and if a family member or friend has gifted them to me, especially if they have a medieval or dark look to them, I just feel like a male wearing a skirt and usually wear a more masculine top along with the skirt on the rare occasions I do wear them. I wear what is comfortable and what I like, but I've always gone more for "male" clothing when I've actually had some choice in the matter most of the time.

I've just gone into an extremely deep depression. I don't know how to cope with it. The one person I've been able to talk to about it said to just not dwell on it. But for me it's not that easy. I don't actively try to think about it, but I can only ignore it for so long. No one I know in person could even possibly understand, yes they may have other problems, but they don't have the one I have not even close, they are just fine and most even happy with the sex they were assigned at birth. So if I try talking to them I will just come across as sounding insensitive to other problems or selfish. Though I do not see how it's any more selfish than them being upset about problems they have. I just don't know what to do if I can't even mostly pass. There are no support groups anywhere close for trans individuals, and suicide hotlines have never helped, I've tried calling them in the past. There are also no trans experienced counselors anywhere near that I can find and I can't afford to travel over an hour or two away every week. I'm just...lost.

Well, if wearing male attire makes you feel more comfortable, then keep doing it. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have any alternatives due to your financial situation. Also, don't worry about wearing skirts; Scottish men do it  . Also, knights, the manliest men of all time, did too. 

Note that there are people here who understand how you feel, so you're not alone.

I don't really know what else to say, so I'll leave it at that. 

Thank you Diana. That does help a bit. Sometimes I wish I were just completely gender queer or andro, I think in a way it would just make my life so much easier. I do consider myself gender queer in that I will sometimes wear attire of both sexes and just generally wear what I what I like. But the heart wants what it wants I guess  .

Glad I could be of assistance. What I did to deal with my gender issues was to stay busy. Do anything you want and don't dwell on it. Once, I spent 2 hours memorizing "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel just to divert my focus on something else. 

That's pretty much what I'm doing. The blow just hit me really hard when I heard I didn't pass after I finally got the guts to start coming out to people and started feeling confident. The problem with my brain is due to one of my problems I have a hard time concentrating and then intrusive thoughts happen, also when I have a dream where people see me as full male or I am a complete male and then I wake up realizing it was all just a dream.

Oh please, I have little to no attention span. That's why I keep myself busy with random, pointless, and entertaining tasks.

I'm FTM. I don't ever plan on getting the SRS. Many guys do not get it. The results are not exactly at the same level as the SRS for MTFs. Some guys are happy with it, so I won't say anything too bad. Just that it isn't necessarily needed.

I am not on T yet  (appt in March), but many (but not all) FTMs are on T. Testosterone masculinizes the face and does a lot of other things that helps make FTMs pass pretty well for the most part. I don't think that T actually increases cancer risk so much (except perhaps liver cancer-- the jury is out on it). But does increase cholesterol levels and blood pressure. You can mitigate these risks. But yes it is a risk benefit thing of course.
The risk of doing nothing is not zero either.

You are not likely to snap out of this at this point. I don't know if you are androgyne or ftm, this is something that only you are going to figure out. A gender therapist can be very helpful.

There are also cheap ways to bind (do not ever ever use duct tape or ace bandages!).
You can also make your own packer, but strictly speaking very many trans guys do not pack. Either it isn't helpful to them or they don't feel it is needed (and it's not).
Take a look at the ftm forum for more stuff.

See this site for a whole bunch of helpful stuff for trans guys or anyone who wants to present more male. There is also info about T.
http://www.ftmguide.org/


--Jay J

SRS? Bad with acronyms.

Quote from: Hopefull on December 01, 2012, 08:53:14 PM
SRS? Bad with acronyms.

Sexual reassignment surgery. Should really be genital reassignment, I've heard it called genital or gender confirmation though.

--Jay J

Oh right! Pfft, I'm always forgetting things. 

Thank you for chiming in Aleon515. Perhaps I could lose as much weight as possible, within a healthy range of course, and go on T until I get desired changes such as deepened voice and facial hair. Even that would help and at this point would be way better than nothing.

I didn't know that about packing. I must be the odd man out, I actually find packing helps me feel more confident and helps with my dysphoria. Especially if I can wear it while doing anything intimate with my partner so I'm not focusing as much on other parts. Maybe it's partly because I can't do anything else at the moment, but what matters to me is that it helps for me even if just a little bit.

I would love to see a gender counselor, but I really do not think we have any around where I live. There are no GLBT services other than those for quote "sexually confused teens" anywhere close, I can't afford to travel very far and not more than once every few months due to gas prices, living expenses, and our transportation.

You might look into Skype counseling or web counseling:
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm
The guy I see is going to do this but I don't think it would be another year or two. Too bad as I'd have a good person to refer you to.

You are not the odd man out re: packing. It just is NOT necessary. I also very much like to pack. Some people find it more psychologically needed. I found the same thing when dating. I am more relaxed if I pack. The other time is taking it to bed. I've found these things are pretty common. For some people it makes their dysphoria worse. You know we are all different.

You can't really pick and chose re: T effects. If you decide to go on T, you have to take the whole range of effects, though I would say that lower voice is about the first thing. It is not exactly reversible, though some people's voice goes up a tad if you stop. You need to really research this one long and hard.

--Jay