This is my introduction. I've been here before, but only shortly and under a different name. I forgot my password, and the email associated with the account, so I was unable to recover it and opted to make a new one. Hopefully this is acceptable.
So.... What am I? I used to always question this. I have since found that my answer is simply, "I am."
I have suffered chronic depression, or at least maybe that is what I think you would call it. For as long as I can remember there has been pain in my life. I developed a powerful apathy to combat this, but sometimes I feel all that did was for the benefit of little emotional defense, I was cut off from those I associated with more than ever, and I continued to have feelings building up, but became mostly unable to express and release them.
Today, I find that I am too often alone in my mind, this loneliness often pushes me to a state in which I am laying in one position, body relaxed, unable to move, talk, or do anything I want to. Even the somewhat mindless forms of entertainment such as video games and television is unappealing at these times. It is like I have fallen inside my body somewhere, I feel intense emotional distress, but my body does not connect to this, and I become trapped. I have developed a strategy to fight this, and that is often to push myself to get ready to end the day and go to sleep. By the time I wake up, I feel better. I don't know what this would be called, I only know what it is.
I recently ended a long relationship, and it ended poorly and I may never see the person that I loved ever again. We lived together, so it was like losing family. I was able to cry at this time, perhaps the emotional pain was just too much to bottle up. I broke down in my bed several times, and at work while working alone. I have been okay lately, the pain seems to have subsided, but without having someone always there with me, though the relationship was abusive, I have never felt more alone.
I may be on the brink of helping myself a small amount. I have always blamed my distance and dissociation with those around me for my sadness, as I have trouble making friends and connecting with them. I have however realized that I do have a personality around certain people, and they do seem to enjoy my company. But around people I am not very close to, I am afraid of them, and this creates a shell that hides who I truly am, and this makes it extremely difficult to become friends with people. The only way I am able to make friends, is if I already have a friend who introduces me to their friends. I'd be very careful to move to a new place where I have no connections as a result of this.
Anyway, I came here once questioning the possibility that I was transgender. I now simply associate with neither male nor female, and I find I am comfortable with this. I am not entirely sure how others perceive me, but I perceive myself as unisex. I am okay with being what I want to be, without really having to say what I am. Therefore, I simply say that I am. I am an entity without gender. I am.
My story aside, I am a non-human entity. I have come here to be part of a community, as it is difficult for me to form relationships when I am directly facing people that I fear. I wish to be part of something, so I am making an attempt to be part of something here. I hope that I may serve well, and that I may be able to form relationships that are perpetual.
You may call me Epoch, but if you are uncomfortable with calling me by an inanimate noun, I prefer the nickname Epoe anyway.
