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There are some people who would give anything to be invited anywhere for Christmas, by anyone.

Quote from: muuu on December 04, 2012, 03:29:10 AM

I hate being with my family, the atmosphere is horrible and it's just really uncomfortable. They've raised and grown up with me being male, and I've always hated to be around them. As soon as I got home from school I'd go to bed and I lived at a dorm when I turned 16 (new school). I don't even get why they regard me as family, because I've barely been with them at all.

The reality is whether or not one is "comfortable" within the family still does not mean that there aren't ties within the family. Even if you do not see them the other family members still see those ties. Question Why do you hate being around them?

I know why I hate being around my family. My brothers and sisters can't stand each other,me or my parents. The trans issues were not the problem just the final nail in the coffin.

Quote from: muuu on December 04, 2012, 03:29:10 AM

I don't hate them or blame them (My older sister was not so supportive of my somewhat feminine behavior when I was young) for anything, they did what they thought was right.
How can trans people even want to see their family again? I seriously am always confused about that whenever I read about one of those family issue threads.

I can only say for myself. Why do I hope for a time where I can actually see them and talk to them?
No matter how much I try I still care about them. They are still related by flesh and blood. We still have a common bond of years of being under the same roof. Same parents,schools,teachers etc. If we can get past all the garbage,we still have common experiences that no one else can relate to in the same way.

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I am an only child and have always been especially close to my mother.  We basically share everything and she is coming up to see me and my children at Christmas. I am looking forward to it so much, I haven't gotten to see her in a over a year.  Probably not very helpful to your question but I honestly don't feel awkward around my parents now as a woman and look forward to seeing them.

I don't know your situation, do you live full time now? If your not full time and transitioning at the start of your journey I can see how you might feel a bit awkward about still being seen as masculine. That is why they call it the awkward phase of transition.

Not to make you feel guilty, but I think you should treasure the fact that your family accepts you being trans here and now and forget about the past, so many of our trans sisters and brothers don't have that kind of support.

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Being around family can bring a whole host of emotions for many people. I for one don't think that just because you were raised with someone, or share genetic ties to them that you should have to be around them. However, I do feel that family is very important. I know how awkward it is to be around family before and during transition. I personally did not let it stop me, too much. I found that after I came out that the majority of the awkward feelings left. I am far more comfortable around my family now than I was before. Just my opinion here, you should try and give them a chance. The first couple of times might still feel awkward, but it may get better after that. Maybe instead of getting together with all of them at Christmas, you could get together with a couple of them before hand. Let that be your test on how Christmas might go.

No matter which route you choose I wish you the best of luck.

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Quote from: muuu on December 04, 2012, 09:19:45 AM
Well, last year I just took some benzo and went there for an hour and a half, but I really don't want to go there this year again.

Has nobody told their parents off, and not spent Christmas with them? It can't be that unusual.

I was ready to cut out my own family as well Muuu - for me, there were decades of history and issues there. But I listened to the advice of a good friend, and decided to make a new start last year when I had already decided I needed to transition. This however, was after five years that I had not spoken to my family at all because I couldn't tolerate the drama and the expectation that I slip into old roles and masks.

Only you can know if you are ready to go back in to the family dynamics, but this time as your true self.

So last Autumn I took a chance on one family member, my older sister, who I came out to, not only about being a woman, but also about all the other stuff I was dealing with including my problems with the family. I was ready to walk away, but I'm glad I gave her a chance. She drew me in to her family and made me welcome, and Thanksgiving 2011 I was out as Maddie with her part of the family, and dressing in clothes that made me feel like me. I never went back to my old gender presentation with family from that point on, and if they accepted me, wonderful, and if not, that was alright.

A year later, and I am reunited but on a much better and healthier basis, with every member of my extended family. I'm saying this not to suggest what you should do - after all, I stayed away most of the time for 20 years - but to say that people do come around, and families do make new starts. Having my own firm boundaries and refusing to be anyone but myself ever again with them, started the transformation in my family's case.

I agree that just because you are related by flesh and blood does not mean that's it "family".  It's just that for some those bonds can be very strong but not for all.

If it was because of some sort of abuse issues,I would wonder why you would be concerned about sparing your mother's feelings. It sounds like your mother does care about you,and if you want to keep her from getting hurt to badly,perhaps you this may help (Just take it for what it's worth) You could state it like this, "Mom,I really need some time and space for myself and at this point in time I would prefer not to come this year" It should leave the doors open if you do decide that you do want it at a future time. You don't want to lay blame if no one did anything wrong.

Most people that are LGBTQQI or something along those lines don't even get invited for "any" Holiday by their families. My mom wont accept what I feel inside nor would most of my family, and I haven't told everyone yet. My mother and both fathers were abusive to me and we never usually had any kind of happy holidays, only a few times did things actually seem normal. You should be thrilled beyond belief that your own blood relatives want to see you and spend time with you as the person you are now.

Quote from: Kim 526 on December 04, 2012, 06:10:40 AM
There are some people who would give anything to be invited anywhere for Christmas, by anyone.

I used to be that person, Kim, so I started making my own holiday gatherings many years ago and drawing people to me that I liked to be with. No need to be passive about what you need. What you said is very true. So don't wait for an invitation ever again. Invite.

If your own family doesnt fit you or make you feel at home, create a new one. Family is easy to make, just start with one new sister or new brother and build from there. You can invite your friends to your place for the holidays; even if everyone is busy or too shy, it still tells them you care.

Quote from: Kim 526 on December 04, 2012, 06:10:40 AM
There are some people who would give anything to be invited anywhere for Christmas, by anyone.

Especially in the trans community.

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I think you should go. It'll change you from your routine. And you know, it might help your family understand you better. You might even get closer. And if you do, well... Everything always seems so much easier when people are there with you.

And even if you don't get closer... Will it really hurt? At the very least you'll please them by showing up, no?

If you don't mind me asking, are you seeing a therapist?

x-mas or hannaku alone sucks!!! yet, it is harder to be with peop[le who fight, get drunk, argue, hate you, and in general make you feel uncomfortable.

make an excuse, I am going to be in a bussines/school trip to timbuktu, or I have been asked and accepted to be with my gf/friend family. There is also the 'ultimate" do not show up (disconect the phone)

Quote from: muuu on December 04, 2012, 03:29:10 AM
How can trans people even want to see their family again? I seriously am always confused about that whenever I read about one of those family issue threads.

I don't understand. My family is the most important thing to me and have given me the most support. I'd be nowhere or 6 ft under without them. They knew me for 20 odd years or so or less as a male. So what? This will always be so and cannot ever be changed unless I "glamour" them or something. Being assertive and confident in your identity should trump their 'wicked' defeminizing looks and internal thoughts. But you say they have been supportive and accepting? What more can you ask for? What more can they do?

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That's ok Muuu. If you feel being with your family for Christmas would hurt, follow your heart. Nobody has to understand but you. I understand completely. There is a vulnerable stage of our lives where we are changing but we aren't strong yet, and family patterns can be so strong that they suck us back. Just tell them you love them and that you hope they have a wonderful Christmas, and that you have other plans this year.