Hi Girls and boys,

Well I have decided to accept an offer of a date from a guy.  I have been serching the dating sites for months and just havent been that impressed.  I have had offers but from men who dont appeal to me.  Some are a bit wierd too   The guys I do like (few and far between) dont reply etc etc.

I got a message from the first guy who ever showed interest in me back in April.  He had left the site for a bit but then returned and decided to renew his membership.  He said hello again this week.  So I thought what the hell, it's like shopping, you see  a pair of shoes you like in the first shop, they are not perfect but Ok.  You carry on looking elsewhere incase you see something else that is better.  You dont and after hours of wandering around you go back to the first shop and buy the shoes!

I might be doing him a disservice.  He is actually quite cute.  He works out 4 times a week and plays rugby.  He has been in a relationship with a TS girl before whihc lasted 2 years.  He has been married and has kids.  I don't know, I will not place too much hope on it and just enjoy the experience as being dated as a woman.

Wish me luck.  I am seeing him on Friday quite nervous.  I hope he likes me and I like him.

Good luck, hon, I really hope it works out for you. Everyone deserves some happiness. *big hugs* Let us know how you get on, okay?

Good luck and I hope you have a fab time...

Great! Hope it goes well!

That sounds exciting! Hoping all goes well for you.  I haven't found my Mr. Right yet either, but am still hopeful that he's out there.  Have a great time

Good luck!!!

Thanks everyone.  We are texting and chatting online most evenings.  Lets see what happens eh?  I will let you know. x

Awesome!  Have fun.  It sounds good.

Hi

Sorry for not getting back on this sooner, its just that soooo much has happened on the romance front.

Warning: this post maybe a little bit long.......

Well, the date went very well and "K" was lovely.  He put me at ease and looked better in real life than in his pictures.  He was my height and very well built.  Nice smile too.  I was as nervous as hell, and K stated he had noticed as I could not stop fidgeting.  We had a couple of drinks at this bar and we talked for hours.  By the end of the night we had a nice kiss in the bar infront of everyone.  I felt very happy.  I said I did not want to sleep with him on the first date.  K agreed that was a good idea.  Anyway It got late and K needed to catch the night bus home.  I was driving and had my car.  K suggested we went back to his for a "cuddle" and nothing more.  He said it would be nice to wake up together.  I said no, how about I bring you back to mine.  That way I felt more in control.  K agreed to this.  We had a few more glasses of wine at home, and before I knew where I was, we were making out and then one thing lead to another...................  Oh well. 

We dated for a few weeks.  We were intimate a lot, and I mean a LOT.  I wasn't always comfortable with what we did, and sometimes was left feeling a little unsatisfied (wont go into details).  However, we held hands when we went out, we cuddled up on the sofa at home and watched movies.  It was lovely to be treated like a girl who was with a boy.  Finally it was really happening to me.

I did not see K over Christmas.  I was with  my family.  However, I noticed I was not missing him that much.  It made me question if I wanted to take things further.  Surely I should be pining for him right?  I felt a bit low over Christmas as I knew K was spending some of it on his own because of family "issues".  I was 100's of miles away and could not be there.  I felt sad for him. 

To cut a long a long story short, I broke it off on Boxing day.  K had messaged me stating he was looking forward to spending our first Christmas together next year.  Then I though woah am I ready to get into a long term commitment yet?  He's my first partner since transitioning.  I sent him a few texts and it was over.  He was upset but was not rude to me.

I do think about him often.  He was non judgemental and did not mind if I was pre or post op.  He just really liked me. 

I have gone back to feeling lonely again and have found myself back on the dating website.  There are only a few guys on there that appeal to me.  Suddenly I get a message from one of them.  He's interested and he's like my "no 2" favourite on the entire site.  He's hot!  We have sent a few messages too and fro.  I'm getting excited and its all looking good, then suddenly he drops a bombshell.  He's married with a son.  He admits that he wants and affair and not just a one night stand.  He wants an affair with me, and cant wait to meet me.  I fancy him soooo much that I have agreed to it!!!!!  I almost cant believe I have done it.  What am I thinking?  It goes against all of my moral judgement.  But he to me is gorgeous and I have always wanted to date a guy that looks just like him.  Oh why does he have to be married.  He is going to call me tonight for a chat.  I already have butterflies thinking about it.  Something is eating away at me though.  I feel it is destined to fail, and I will end up hurt, unless I keep my heart locked away and just go for the thrill of the ride.

Suddenly, who should I get a text from but faithful K.  Asking me how I am, was I ok? What a sweetheart.  OHhhh I don't know what to do.  I really do have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.  I only live once, I want to do the right thing.

Sorry to offload like this but I just had to tell someone or I was gonna pop!!

Love Jo x

Quote from: Joanna on January 17, 2013, 08:14:10 AM
OHhhh I don't know what to do.  I really do have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.  I only live once, I want to do the right thing.

I wouldn't get involved in an affair. The deception and divided loyalties quickly become a meat grinder.

Sounds like K wants to start seeing you again. In my single days, whenever I was uncertain about the long term possibilities of a date, I'd tell myself "one date at a time." If I thought the date would be fun, I'd go out on it. The long term stuff and the feelings stuff always took care of itself.

OTOH if you're someone who has trouble enjoying sweetness, wants adventure and a roller-coaster ride...

Sounds like the K one is the sweeter plumb.

He's intersted in you. He seems nice.

If "no. 2" is willing to cheat on his wife, then you can count on him not being loyal to you.  You can't trust him.

And even if his marriage is doomed to fail (which it is, since he's posting on dating sites), do you really want to be someone who contributes to broken hearts, to broken children?

Yes, yes and yes to what the other women here have said! Joanna don't be the other woman, you'll wind up being a doormat and eventually get kicked to the curb with crushed feelings!

Hi Ladies

You are so right.  I know its wrong, and i would be selling myself short too.  Have I really gone through all of this pain and anguish just to be the other woman?  No way.  I have too big a heart to mess with other peoples lives like that just for my own selfish needs.  Thats not my style.

I have turned off my phone, and sent him a message on the dating website expressing my views and wishing him luck.  Shame though, if he were single or at least separated I would not have given it a second thought. I would have been there!

Some rather sweet news though.  K messaged me a few times today.  It reminded me how much I liked the things he said.  He dropped his headphones at my place the last time he was here.  My housemate found them in the cloaks closet on the floor.  I told him I had them and did he wonder where they were/ He said he has looked everywhere for them.  Low and behold they are at mine.  Well, we going to met up week after next for a friendly drink and will give him back his headphones.  Its funny the little twists of fate that happen.  Not only that, but I havent heard from him in a month and then right when I am about to make a huge mistake and meet a married man, K pops up??  Strange how things happen 

xx

Quote from: Joanna on January 17, 2013, 12:19:41 PM
You are so right.  I know its wrong, and i would be selling myself short too.  Have I really gone through all of this pain and anguish just to be the other woman?  No way.  I have too big a heart to mess with other peoples lives like that just for my own selfish needs.  Thats not my style.

I don't mean to suggest doing anything to compromise your own sense of self. And for once I'm going to try to keep my own oversharing to a minimum (you can find out most of my relationship history if you want to by digging through my past posts anyway).

I just want to point out that, if you're like many of us, your age and emotional maturity is at a mismatch with your dating and relationship maturity. It might be wise to keep that part in mind, which I think you are doing already, in a way, by taking it slow and not getting committed to one relationship before you've had a chance to explore and understand what it is you really do want.

It must have been hugely gratifying to be out in public with a guy who was not ashamed or inhibited about expressing his affection in a public space.

We do learn things, though, even from bad relationships and from giving in to someone's interests and libido when maybe we do feel that it is wrong.  I had a (very brief) affair with a married man. It was someone I'd known as a friend for over a decade, but he only started coming onto me when he learned that I was trans. Since I was still in concealment at that point, it was more or less doomed, though I did have the sense to be clear with him at the beginning (at least the beginning of the sexual part of it) just how I identified, and what I expected from him. I also made it clear that I wasn't comfortable that he was not able to be honest with his wife, and my only excuse for having said yes is that he came onto me in my apartment rather assertively, and I had been without any other sexual contact for about 10 years.

What I learned from that is that I cannot keep hiding away, and that I need to be seen on my own terms, insofar as that is possible at this point in my life. Much as I'm annoyed with how things went, I also have to grudgingly be grateful to him, because this experience was a catalyst for me to grow, and to move out of a trap I had made for myself, that was almost literally killing me.

Maybe it's a rationalization on my part, but many women do have affairs, especially in later years. Most end badly, and most probably learn that they ultimately don't want them, but if you are honest with yourself, it may be that there is something you will learn from these, before you get to a point where you are ready to commit to a more long-term relationship? In the end only you can decide which risks are worthwhile for your own peace of mind and your own sense of integrity.

I'm only encouraging you not to be too hard on yourself, and consider some of the differences in your experience, compared to those of another woman your age, who likely had much more euphoric dating experiences at an earlier age, that have given her wisdom and a base of experience, and self-awareness when it comes to relationships and what she wants from them?

Thanks for your thoughts Elspeth.  I can totally see what you are saying.  It is true, my dating skills and current relationship skills are not what they should be or used to be.  I am hormonally different, and I am behaving in a different way to how I used to before I transitioned.  I need to experiment a little bit more, try different things.  Despite that, I just could not cope with dating a married man.  I knew that if this guy was anything like I thought he was.  If he looked like his pic or better, it wouldnt be long before I was falling in deep.  I cannot do that to myself, I would struggle to recover.  I need a man to want me to be his one, his only. I know that for sure.

I have had 2 long term relationships.  One lasted 6 years the other 11 years.  I know how to do it.  I know how relationships work.  Being female puts a different slant on things, and I do actually desire men more and almost "need" them, however I would eventually buckle under my conscience with a married man.  He is someone else's life, her hubby, her man. 

I would be lying if I wasnt gutted.  I am totally gutted.  I would have loved to gaze into his eyes, I would have been amazing.  Oh well never mind.  Maybe one day someone I fancy just as much will come along, and they will not be attached.

Quote from: Joanna on January 17, 2013, 02:31:41 PM
Thanks for your thoughts Elspeth.  I can totally see what you are saying.  It is true, my dating skills and current relationship skills are not what they should be or used to be.  I am hormonally different, and I am behaving in a different way to how I used to before I transitioned.  I need to experiment a little bit more, try different things.  Despite that, I just could not cope with dating a married man.  I knew that if this guy was anything like I thought he was.  If he looked like his pic or better, it wouldnt be long before I was falling in deep.  I cannot do that to myself, I would struggle to recover.  I need a man to want me to be his one, his only. I know that for sure.

Am I mistaken to assume your two long-term relationships were with women?

My general feeling is that guys suck. Sorry to be blunt. I say this having been married 16 years, (and living together 2 more with one woman).  Divorced now for nearly 10, but still on good terms as co-parent, living within 5 minutes of her house.

Apart from that, I've had sex with 2 men, both guys I'd known socially before they came onto me. One of them married, who assumed (he has an incredible ego and very little capacity for true empathy) that he was doing me a favor, or helping me to come out to myself by coming onto me, and doing so in a fairly awkward and drawn out fashion over the course of at least a year.

I completely agree about the emphasis on relationship... even though I knew there was zero chance of a relationship there, I still managed to fantasize it was possible for about 2 weeks.  The sex was fine with both of them, and maybe even a little less problematic than sex in my marriage, since it required less in the way of mental gymnastics to preserve my sense of myself as female (which was always there in any of these encounters). (Though the more recent guy was (bluntly) a bit of a bore in terms of his sexual imagination. I was probably also a bit unkind once I realized he was hiding this from his wife, and that there was almost no real chance of something long term).  While my gay former therapist was in a long-term stable relationship with his partner, something just kept me from thinking this was even possible for me, maybe mainly the sort of femme-phobia that was so common among gay men of my generation?

Having heard men talk about relationships, I also just have a lot of reservations and suspicions that many of them are seeking long-term relationships with the features that I craved... anyway, it seemed to me that very little of my dating experience (which was fairly thin to begin with) would have much relevance when it comes to dating straight-identified guys). Maybe I'm too prejudiced on this, given my own history with guys? It's a bit of a shame, since on dating sites, even though my profile is open about my present status and transgendered identity, I do seem to still get a lot of attention from guys, many of them looking specifically to date a transwoman, and many of them claiming to have dated at least one of us in the past.

Maybe that's an insecurity of mine too. There is that part of me that wishes I'd pushed these issues in my teens, albeit, I think it's realistic that I'm doubtful about how well that would have gone, considering my father resented paying for college, I really don't think he'd have been too supportive of my transition if it had started at home, in rural Colorado, in the late Seventies?

Quote from: Joanna on January 17, 2013, 12:19:41 PM
Its funny the little twists of fate that happen.  Not only that, but I havent heard from him in a month and then right when I am about to make a huge mistake and meet a married man, K pops up??  Strange how things happen 

xx

Is it? Perhaps it's meant to be Joanna!

I agree with what others have said, the married guy has heartbreak written all over him.

I personally think K deserves another chance. Maybe when you get to speak with him, explain that the making plans for next year scared you a bit, I'm sure he'll understand.