I have a lot going for me. Good health, an incredible job that pays more than I ever hoped, a wife that won't give up on me and friends that love me.  I've seen and experienced things that most Americans I know will never get to see or do. Tonight, I ate sushi in the Zona Rosa district in Bogota and it was beautiful and an incredible experience but now as I lay in bed in a beautiful hotel, I can't sleep. My heart is pounding, my mind is racing and the only thing that really makes me want to stay alive is knowing how much it would hurt some people if I were't.

I haven't been weepy and depressed but more of a cold and reasoned "what's the point". Besides the good things, there are some painful challenges going on in my life. I used to be able to form a vision of the future but now it just seems that there are so many variables and unknowns, I just can't form a picture of what my life will be like in a year or ten.

I don't want to alarm anyone. I'm not suicidal or looking for an accident and it's not a cry for help or a shoulder to cry on but it is useful for me to document these feelings and put them in writing. Living this double life feels like it is ripping the soul from my body. I feel like I created and play  this "character" that people may know, like or love. But it feels more and more fake and I can't help but wonder what they will think of "me", when I'm not playing that "part" anymore.

I have to fly in about 5 hours to a remote are to the north west for a business meeting that is pretty important for the company I work for, followed by other travel and important, high-level meetings.   It may just be an all nighter at this point.

Maybe it's time to do something about it.

Yeah who can make a vision of the future    Funny do that people who have much and don,t have to worry where the next meal is coming from make problems of (small) things.
My advice is solve problems one by one ! live  and smile.
As WHY is a question nobody can answer.

Could just be sleep disturbance. I get really depressed when I don't get enough sleep.

Or it could be what happened to me a few years ago. I had climbed further up the ladder of success than I ever thought possible only to find I had leaned the ladder against the wrong wall.

Good luck Jessica. I hope you can tune in to whatever your inner voice is trying to tell you.

Well, for one -

Quote from: JessicaH on December 11, 2012, 02:31:56 AM
I haven't been weepy and depressed but more of a cold and reasoned "what's the point". Besides the good things, there are some painful challenges going on in my life. I used to be able to form a vision of the future but now it just seems that there are so many variables and unknowns, I just can't form a picture of what my life will be like in a year or ten.

Maybe finding out what lies ahead is the point

For two -

Quote from: JessicaH on December 11, 2012, 02:31:56 AM
I don't want to alarm anyone. I'm not suicidal or looking for an accident and it's not a cry for help or a shoulder to cry on but it is useful for me to document these feelings and put them in writing. Living this double life feels like it is ripping the soul from my body. I feel like I created and play  this "character" that people may know, like or love. But it feels more and more fake and I can't help but wonder what they will think of "me", when I'm not playing that "part" anymore.

Are you not full-time yet?

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on December 11, 2012, 09:18:22 AM
Are you not full-time yet?

No, probably not for a while....

Quote from: JessicaH on December 11, 2012, 02:31:56 AM
I've seen and experienced things that most Americans I know will never get to see or do. Tonight, I ate sushi in the Zona Rosa district in Bogota and it was beautiful and an incredible experience but now as I lay in bed in a beautiful hotel, I can't sleep. My heart is pounding, my mind is racing and the only thing that really makes me want to stay alive is knowing how much it would hurt some people if I were't.

That so reminds me of this:
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die." It's time to live. Time to be you. What about it?

Quote from: Tesla on December 11, 2012, 03:00:14 PM
That so reminds me of this:
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die." It's time to live. Time to be you. What about it?

OMG Tesla, I mentally wrote that post while sitting on the floor of the shower room this morning in Bogota and I was was just staring forward through the glass walls as the hot shower sprayed down over my head and ran dawn my face. I was really thinking some incredibly dark thoughts and then thought of Rutger Haur's line at the end of Blade Runner (Do Electric Sheep Dream Electric Dreams) .

Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. I feel better now than I did this morning .  :-)

People often think too little. But sometimes, I want to tell people to stop thinking too much. Getting too philosophical, trying to find the meaning in everything... That can really get to you.

There's little to no meaning to a lot of things, but who cares? The goal of life is to enjoy it.

Quote from: JessicaH on December 11, 2012, 03:50:56 PM
OMG Tesla, I mentally wrote that post while sitting on the floor of the shower room this morning in Bogota and I was was just staring forward through the glass walls as the hot shower sprayed down over my head and ran dawn my face. I was really thinking some incredibly dark thoughts and then thought of Rutger Haur's line at the end of Blade Runner (Do Electric Sheep Dream Electric Dreams) .

Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. I feel better now than I did this morning .  :-)

Holy c. I've got goose bumps now. Perhaps one day I too will be lucky enough to eat sushi in Bogota. Maybe I will make it one of my goals. But not yet, not pre-op.

I understand your dilemma and it's tough choices. If you're indispensable perhaps you have more leverage than you think. In my company, skills was all that mattered.

Quote from: A on December 11, 2012, 05:05:28 PM
People often think too little. But sometimes, I want to tell people to stop thinking too much. Getting too philosophical, trying to find the meaning in everything... That can really get to you.

There's little to no meaning to a lot of things, but who cares? The goal of life is to enjoy it.

Very true and I am most likely guilty of it.

Quote from: Tesla on December 11, 2012, 05:32:37 PM
Holy c. I've got goose bumps now. Perhaps one day I too will be lucky enough to eat sushi in Bogota. Maybe I will make it one of my goals. But not yet, not pre-op.

I understand your dilemma and it's tough choices. If you're indispensable perhaps you have more leverage than you think. In my company, skills was all that mattered.

I had a really weird feeling when you said that. Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies and that line you quoted really resonated with me 25 years ago and has stayed with me ever since.

I talked with a close friend and coworker a minute ago and her opinion is that they wouldn't care if they found out about me. I have serious doubts though.

knowing the future is boring! its like watching a movie that you know the ending! 

i'd rather watch a movie with a sweet plot twist i didn't see coming

Quote from: oZma on December 11, 2012, 08:03:08 PM
knowing the future is boring! its like watching a movie that you know the ending! 

i'd rather watch a movie with a sweet plot twist i didn't see coming

Yes, knowing the future would be boring. I meant, I used to be able to get a picture in my head when I think about things in the future and what life is supposed to look like. I can do it if I really try, but it just seems artificial now or like I'm just thinking about someone else's life. I guess I need to just quit floundering about and get a little more decisive with my personal life.

Quote from: JessicaH on December 12, 2012, 06:25:44 AM
Yes, knowing the future would be boring. I meant, I used to be able to get a picture in my head when I think about things in the future and what life is supposed to look like. I can do it if I really try, but it just seems artificial now or like I'm just thinking about someone else's life. I guess I need to just quit floundering about and get a little more decisive with my personal life.

Life is what you make of it, so if you cant picture the future then it might mean that deep down you dont really believe in that future anymore and need to find another path to follow. Form a vision, no matter how unstable it is, and start making changes to it like you would a picture on a computer. Start swapping out things, places, and possibly people until you can find something not only stable, but something that you would enjoy. Or if that seems to tame try living randomly, prehaps impulsivly, and just start doing things just to shake things up. if you have free time then take a walk around whatever town you are in, stay on the lookout for anything that gets your attention (signs, odd hangouts) and just try it out. Youd be amazed at the people you will meet and the things you will try. Obviously you need to use your best judgement and not do anything reckless, but just try to shake things up and have fun with your life. You might just find oZma's plot twist.

Quote from: JessicaH on December 12, 2012, 06:25:44 AM
Yes, knowing the future would be boring. I meant, I used to bwhich weeholy entwined able to get a picture in my head when I think about things in the future and what life is supposed to look like. I can do it if I really try, but it just seems artificial now or like I'm just thinking about someone else's life. I guess I need to just quit floundering about and get a little more decisive with my personal life.

I know exactly what you mean though.. it bothers me too.

I think a factor is that #1 we are older and #2 because we are older we don't have people constantly reinforcing a stereotypical male future which we  we took as gospel to prevent wanting to be a girl

but thats just my opinion or something

Quote from: agfrommd on December 11, 2012, 05:42:59 AM

Or it could be what happened to me a few years ago. I had climbed further up the ladder of success than I ever thought possible only to find I had leaned the ladder against the wrong wall.

That's an interesting way to put it hon.  I like that. Do you mean "wrong wall" as far as career choice or gender or what?

Jessica - where are you in your transition? Are you still 'playing the part' in most areas of your life? I'd say what you're feeling is common for dysphoria. It doesn't matter how successful or liked this character is if he's not you.
I think that ultimately, what matters most is what you think of you.

Quote from: jacqueline_rose on December 12, 2012, 07:33:13 AM
Life is what you make of it, so if you cant picture the future then it might mean that deep down you dont really believe in that future anymore and need to find another path to follow. Form a vision, no matter how unstable it is, and start making changes to it like you would a picture on a computer. Start swapping out things, places, and possibly people until you can find something not only stable, but something that you would enjoy. Or if that seems to tame try living randomly, prehaps impulsivly, and just start doing things just to shake things up. if you have free time then take a walk around whatever town you are in, stay on the lookout for anything that gets your attention (signs, odd hangouts) and just try it out. Youd be amazed at the people you will meet and the things you will try. Obviously you need to use your best judgement and not do anything reckless, but just try to shake things up and have fun with your life. You might just find oZma's plot twist.

Quote from: jacqueline_rose on December 12, 2012, 07:33:13 AM
Life is what you make of it, so if you cant picture the future then it might mean that deep down you dont really believe in that future anymore and need to find another path to follow. Form a vision, no matter how unstable it is, and start making changes to it like you would a picture on a computer. Start swapping out things, places, and possibly people until you can find something not only stable, but something that you would enjoy. Or if that seems to tame try living randomly, prehaps impulsivly, and just start doing things just to shake things up. if you have free time then take a walk around whatever town you are in, stay on the lookout for anything that gets your attention (signs, odd hangouts) and just try it out. Youd be amazed at the people you will meet and the things you will try. Obviously you need to use your best judgement and not do anything reckless, but just try to shake things up and have fun with your life. You might just find oZma's plot twist.

I actually have a relatively exciting. I travel a lot, I'm always looking to try new things. I'm very much a people person and can just walk up to someone and talk to them which seems to amaze my wife. I went for a 2 hour walk in Bogota the other night looking for something to eat and maybe have a drink but evidently most restraunts are closed on sunday nights there.

Quote from: oZma on December 12, 2012, 12:31:13 PM
I know exactly what you mean though.. it bothers me too.

I think a factor is that #1 we are older and #2 because we are older we don't have people constantly reinforcing a stereotypical male future which we  we took as gospel to prevent wanting to be a girl

but thats just my opinion or something

Could be part of it...

Quote from: Forum Admin on December 12, 2012, 02:59:34 PM
That's an interesting way to put it hon.  I like that. Do you mean "wrong wall" as far as career choice or gender or what?

Jessica - where are you in your transition? Are you still 'playing the part' in most areas of your life? I'd say what you're feeling is common for dysphoria. It doesn't matter how successful or liked this character is if he's not you.
I think that ultimately, what matters most is what you think of you.

I'm on HRT and still playing a guy for the benefit of others.  I feel better now than I did when I started the thread. It was strange but it it just seemed like this really intense depression enveloped me  and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and not get out.

I think we all have those periods. Glad you've managed to climb out.

I know you're feeling better now, but I decided to write this anyway.  Maybe because I talk too much.

Please don't take this the wrong way, as it has nothing to do with your gender, but your story reminds me a little of my boyfriend.

He's older than me by a good margin.  He works a lot and lives a high-pressure lifestyle.  The financial well-being of many people sits on his shoulders, and these are people he knows personally and has talked to, so he can't merely abstract them as numbers.  Some are everyday people.  Some are people running the fifty year family business.  His biggest client grosses tens of millions per year.  He makes good money, and he enjoys his life a lot at times.  He goes on frequent vacations around the world, usually at least one per year, and he also frequently travels to visit family during the holidays.  He loves new experiences, new flavors, new textures.  Oh, and the people person thing.  I guess I fill the niche of the quiet intellectual in our relationship, but he can be anybody's friend in thirty seconds, no problem.

Only reason I'm bringing this up is because sometimes he feels the same way as you.  I've sat on his lap and looked into his eyes and seen something very similar to what you mentioned in your OP.  Not the double life part, but the feeling of profound, innate frustration, even when many things seem to be going well, of not seeing the point of things and not having any good idea of what's happening next.

I don't have a magic window into your head.  Maybe I'm totally wrong.  But I think you should consider that some significant part of these feelings may be the pressure of your lifestyle in tandem with your gender identity, not just one or the other working alone at different times.

Quote from: JessicaH on December 11, 2012, 02:31:56 AM
I have a lot going for me. Good health, an incredible job that pays more than I ever hoped, a wife that won't give up on me.............

Yah....that's nice, Bogota, restuarants, world travel on the company...........

On the practical side, while you are in a position to make big $ at your age, save, save, save, save, save as much as you can, so you can have the surgical procedures you need, and have a buffer in case the cushy job is yanked out from under you, and study martial arts so you can take care of Mrs and Mrs.  Just sayin'....