My whole life I always felt blah, blah, blah, we all know this story. I really thought I could live the life of a strait man. Get married, have kids, and live off my intence willpower I`ve had all my life. I have lost the energy at 35 to keep acting and lieing to friends and family. Extreem depression and suicidal thoughts can eraticate ones denial very quickly. I have a loving wife, 5 y/o and 1 y/o daughters. My wife knows and is devistated. I`m ready to loose friends and family if I must but can`t stand a day longer in my body. I wanted to transform at 16 but 6 months in the hospital for depression and other related stuff taught me to find all my willpower and to love myself for who I am and live with it. (Please if you know of any therapst quaks that do this to children expose them.)
  Great I lived through my 20`s in total denial. Learning very early in life not to do anything or like anything girls do or like to avoid bad reactions from people I was called MadBrad because the only way I knew how to be a man was to be a dangerous extreemist. This is what people liked about me is I wasn`t someone to have on your bad side. " MadBrad will do it he`s crazy". I`m not crazy I just had to live with a lot of hurt and that was how I delt with it. Adreneline.
  I do feel better now that I`m on my way to full acceptance of my womanly self. Along with acceptance is a whole new form of anxiety for me. My children will not live normal lives acording to society. ( and we live in it so I care what society thinks) This will efect the rest of there lives. I now feel like not killing myself is selfish.
  Can anyone relate to me. I`m in Hawaii and have nobody to talk to. I will be moving to Chicago for transformation and new carrier traning , Vetrinary school.

   Thanks for reading if you made it this far, what can I do for you
                                       

                                    Love Angie
 

Hello Angie,

It's good that you found this site as there are many wonderful and very knowledgable people here to help you. It's a shame you never got to transition at 16 like you wanted, but it's a relief that you haven't waited any longer to do what's necessary.

Suicide is definately not the answer. Being who you are is the answer. As for your children, they will live a normal life...normal to you and them. I live a life that's normal for me. Other people live a life that is normal for them. Normal is a relative word that is based on each person's outlook on the situation. Yes, in general, society as a whole views gays and transsexuals as "not normal" but just like everything different in life, there will be a day when it is normal and that day is fast approaching. Just look at history and you'll see many instances where "normal" has changed and adapted as people realize that unjust oppression does nothing but hold good people back from being who they really are and making a better contribution to society when they are free.

I can relate to the feelings you've had all your life, however, I went the opposite way as far as trying to conceal who I was. Instead of becoming tough and macho, I just slithered into myself and stayed as quiet as possible.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey and hope to see many more posts from you

~ Hugs ~
Sarah

Hi Angie, welcome to Susan's!

Feel free to browse around... I'm sure you'll soon find many others who echo your story. I don't have children, so I won't pretend to understand what you're going through, but there are many parents here who I'm sure can offer their wisdom and insight.

Please take a peek at the site rules here if you get a chance.

If you're comfortable sharing, I'd love to hear where you are with all this? It sounds like you pretty much know where you want to go now. Are you in therapy? Do you plan to fully transition? Does anyone besides your wife know yet? Did any event in particular prompt your self-acceptance?

Welcome again!
~Kate~

Hi Angie,

Wellcome to Susans - your story does sound very familiar.

Alice

Hi Angie,

I'm glad you found Susan's, there is plenty of support and experience here for you lean on. I think a lot of people can relate to your story. I lived on risky behavior most of my life, but gave it up because of my wife and children. I have a great amount of guilt for beginning my transistion at the top of my game acting as a man. I feel like I am causing a great deal of angst in my family, but it was that or ending it all because I couldn't go on the same way. I would recommend a therapist to help you sort out your feelings about transistion and your children. Self acceptance is a good start on this path Angie. I wish you luck and look forward to hearing more from you.

Hugs,

Rhonda

  Thanx so much. I sudenly don`t fell so alone. nothing really triggred any of this I just delt with the ups and downs of emotions all these years and with age I`m getting so tired of acting and constantly making sure I`m not doing or saying something girly. It must have took me till I was in my late teens to stop being called ->-bleeped-<-git ect. Now I`m at getting myself and family to Chicago and turning our house into a vacation rental.  I`ll be back tomorrow sorry

          Angie

Quote from: almost,angie on May 29, 2007, 09:18:28 PM
what can I do for you

^{*warm smile*}

Change:

Quote
Ugly member

To something else..

You may be many things but from what I read, ugly is not one of them.

An, you know, being selfish is alright on occasion you know.


Luck with your endeavors!