First off, this is my 2nd non intro thread, and I hope to get around to reading a lot of other threads here some of which look extremely informative and or helpful and or enlightening.

But currently I need some help, that might not be very uncommon. I don't feel very unique at least. But I AM having trouble with this.

Again, like I mentioned eslewhere (my intro) I am stuck with a dual minded reality. I am part him, (my other half) and part me. I am mostly me if you go on the basis of how often my other self is around, which is predictably very brief.

So I am in this body, and it has been around 50 years now (born in 62 eh). And I am more and more looking back and realizing, ->-bleeped-<- that was me, and not him when you think about it. He wasn't acting weird, it wasn't even him. But no one was actually realizing I was even present. I was even more invisible than I feel right now (which is too much as it is).

But, well everything around me, it's his stuff. It's his clothing, which while bland and monocoloured and clean, is still cliche male clothing. And it is all of his hobbies and activities and past. It's all of his life. And I am not really comfortable with some of it.

Which is distracting, because I find myself wondering, ok, what's mine? Oh well I don't have any girl's clothing, no surprise there. And I missed out on all the early life programming. I never got to be a little girl, or a teenaged girl or a young adult girl or a middle aged girl. Granted, some women will reply with 'be glad you missed out on THAT once a month'. But, I have also missed out on cute dresses, and wearing a bra for the first time. I have feet that have no history of high heels (likely a good thing). But this body is used to sitting in the usual male fashion. I don't need to worry about my panties being seen as I don't have a skirt on so I don't need to worry about crossing my legs.

But I am simply not really sure how much of this life is mine.

I have a quite considerable library. It's all military history, archeology, planetary sciences, space sciences and some great science fiction and Tolkienesque fantasy fiction. But so much of it is depressing content. Humanity is a depressing subject. I feel like their his books.
And the wargames, he has an incredible collection of 1970s era wargames and computer wargames designed in the 1970s style. And again, it is war and warfare. Not easy to consider 'fun'. And all of his models are military. Glorified death and destruction. I enjoy making models still as it is constructive even if the subject is destructive items.

I love reading, but, I have been in a total funk. Simply because I am trying to decide who I am actually. Are those my books, can I keep them? He has a massive documentary collection on film, all science and military science again though. So much stuff based on so much hate.

I love the heck out of anime especially funny romances. But it is a trap. I find myself watching them, and then ending up depressed. I'll never get to be like that. I'll never have the teen angst romance. I'm a bit too old for a lot of critical life moments now. I feel like I have arrived at the party, and it's already last call in 20 minutes.

I am having trouble filling my day with meaningful. I wish I had a wood shop. He'd be happier, and frankly I would not mind a day full of making things that did not represent death and destruction. I think if I had the choice of the funds for laser hair removal and all the hormone stuff and 'the operation', or a super duper wood working shop with floor model machines, I am not sure what would be the best choice. Every day I wake up and realize it's time to shave the body, and deal with the lousy moods and get the male side happy for a few minutes because it simply won't shut up till I do, I sure wish it was all gone. But, would I mind as much, if I had the shop? Because I'd be ok covered in sawdust and in dusty work clothes that didn't need to be pretty or any particular colour or cut. I wouldn't mind if I hadn't shaved my legs that day, or if I had a nice hairdo or not. I'd be in heaven if surrounded by the scent of lumber just as much as smelling of expensive perfume. And at the end of the day, if I had spent all damned day and had barely made progress on the lastest piece of furniture, neither of me would mind really, just so long as we both felt useful.

Because that is my head ache. Neither of us feel useful.

He doesn't want the life, and doesn't care how I make the body smell or if I get rid of the body hair. He doesn't care if I get ear rings or not. He doesn't really care what clothes I wear, just so long as they look decent. But then I want that too. I am so not wearing anything that has people laughing at me. I have enough trouble now.

But there is nothing in this life for me. I walk down the street and no one sees me. They see him, it's just he isn't there. People refer to me as he him his, and it hurts to be honest. Referring to me in the masculine makes me feel ignored. I feel lonely inside this body. And there is so little I can do that won't end up drawing stares. I can't go out dancing. I can shop, but I can't buy anything. People keep telling me 'oh but men do that as well", so, I'm not a man damn it. When I do my housework, I am doing it as if a housewife. I know he is used to being called a husband. I am not him. Save it for when it's him present. Heck I find myself annoyed I can't be the wife actually. I have even been experiencing regret I never got an engagement ring. Girls always get engagement rings. My ring finger feels half empty.

Can someone help me out here, is all of this routine?

I realized in my entire life time that people treated me the way they wanted me to be.i can see what you mean and how you feel-like for example my family *who is very religous* would preach at me endlessly like i needed help but even if my life was perfect,they would still preach like they see someone/somthing they cant control/dont understand.people would automaticly treat me a certain way even before knowing me *and no i dont mean everyone deals with that but every..one..alot of people* everyone in my life time has acted like im some abomination that they see as a mixed up glob of flesh and because of their ignorance,would judge accourding to that but after so many years of this i got to the point where i honestly dont care anymore.I come first and my health and happiness is what matters.all i can say is do what makes you happy,if that means stepping out and saying *hey if you cant see the real me then dont look* then so be it but always remember,only one can keep your feet on the ground,and thats you.

Hi Leslie_Roberta.

Thank you for your post. I read your first as well.

I can't think of anything to say really, excpet that you are in a very similar boat to a number of us, I'm 57.

That's it basically, no answers, no solutions. Just sharing and growing.

I more or less had the same story, but it does get better.   Once you realise who you really are you can ask the question, "what is neccessary here?"  If you have a plan, even just a rough idea of where to go next it helps.  If you want to do wood-work, just do it.  I know of one woman near where I used to live who did all the carpentry around the farm because her husband had no interest or ability and she did. 

Karen.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on December 11, 2012, 11:52:32 AM
Snip.

I'm in my late teens and I feel the same way... I am Bi-gender by the way, I was always girly, in one sense or another, but I always had him in me. He was an impostor in my body, slowly throughout out my Adolescence it started to shift, I start to explore my femininity and so far I LOVE it! I don't know, I am starting to hate it when people in my life call me Justin, I always hated the name, I just never knew why, I hate it when my mom calls me a boy... hate is a word I dislike to use but hey, it's the emotions.