Sorry this was posted late,was wanting to get a feel for the forum and
community.My name is Chris and im 36 years old.
Alittle about me and my experiances and life.I hope to find common interests here and understanding.
I was born and raised in a small town in
ohio.It was very religous,it was pushed onto me that being anything other then what the book says was wrong,*this is not to bring up the subject but to give an understanding of what i was led to believe* simple mistakes as a child led to beatings,emotionaly and physicaly.I was always taught i was never good enough and never would be.i have another brother and he was favored over me in many ways by my father and mother and still is.i would cower from them affraid of doing anything wrong,speaking somthing wrong.i was forced to dress the way they wanted me to,talk,walk,even play or be around who they wanted.if this line was crossed it led to even more beatings with the same
results.as i dressed this way,acted this way i knew and felt it was all
fake.as a child,depression started to show its ugly head.i started to have this fear and anxiety as i hit high school.i was the out cast and one with no friends.when being social i would spend most my time in a submissive state,which also wasnt me.I was never told about sex,anything about the female or male
body.to give you an idea of the extent to this-i was 18 when i lost my V and even years after this i did not know what *oral* was.i was an alien to my body and common knowledge.But the one thing that always did show its self to me was how i felt and seen other people.I found men as good friends,i had no attraction to them but found myself always looking at a woman-and not in a way you may be used too.i distanced myself from woman unless it was sexual or relationship
based.In high school i was always seen as somthing else and treated as such,as someone who was a jumbled mess and i was but its odd others seen it before i could put it into words.I had boyfriends but it was somthing i felt i had to do,not somthing i was interested in.since losing my V i started acting out through drugs and drinking,sex.i felt it was either drown the pain or be seen as a woman *pretend* so i did.i was still living with my parents when this started.and losing my V was not the beautiful thing i had always imagined
either.it was taken from me on a night i was drunk and couldnt fight back.this is when i realized what my life was worth and how my life would play out in the future.i ran away from home and moved in with an ex bf who got me pregnant.this relationship was the start of many that was hell on earth.he was lazy,showed me *also from my past experiances* why so many woman hate men or cant trust them.he was everything a woman didnt want or need.he was abusive in everyway then took my son physicaly from me.i have no seen my son in over 17 years.all these events started to boil inside me,keeping that submissive side and keeping it all held in,i walked through life continueing the lie for the sake of my family and friends,while still dealing with their constant bashing of how worthless i was,i couldnt keep a man,the drinking which had started agian,the drugs.I started to let myself go and became sick,thin and would party almost non stop.i would sit and watch couples together i knew and would dream of being in the other spot-the one giving comfort and support to a woman,letting them know there was a good man out there.After years of this,i finaly came out as Bisexual.this didnt go over well with my family or some of my friends,some accepted it which gave me a slight boost.with this i was able to start openly showing my true side and i did.of course the preaching kept going from my family but i finaly accepted that part and closed my ears to
it.one thing i always remember from what i was taught with my family's beliefs was that,he loves ALL
people.no matter their past,their life,their *sins*,or what they deal with and that gave me hope to push forward because i felt THEY were making it into somthing THEY believed,not somthing that was *true*.but i did feel as i dated an ex gf while claiming to be bisexual,this also wasnt me.yes it opened a door but it wasnt me completely.i looked back on my life and all i went through *and there was alot that took place i will not list for the sake of weak bellies* that showed me,everything i went through was because i was not who i was ment to be.i was thrown to the side of the road,raped,beaten,used as a slave,put down in every way,seen as a joke,lost 2 kids,never had a friend or true relationship and the constant selfishness of others.but later in life the anxiety turned to rage,i started acting out physicaly and breaking objects,attacking people.i was literaly losing my mind and i still had nothing to point it too or why,yes i knew i felt like i was trapped in this huge cage but never knew what to call it until now.i stumbled across a video that explained gender idenity disorder and as i read through it,it was like i was staring at myself.and it made me look for more answers.and im glad i found it.because of that video and how i was able to put words to everything i been feeling through the years,i felt a release or a freedom.i came out to my mother and family,they seen it as a joke but i didnt care anymore.i had always *since i ran away from home* dressed more manly,talked and acted such but as i said,it was me being myself but with no why to explain it.i have just recently *officaly* started my transition *SM,seeing my mental health and so on* and saving money for RS.i joined here as i was searching for TG/TS communities and i hope here i can make some good friends and become *along the way* who i was supposed to be.
