One of those days were the combined steam makes the pot's lid fall. Don't take this very seriously, but I need to shout a few things:
- The outing experience:
Ever since I was recommended to slowly come off to people, things are not as pink as I'd like. I don't like how I am treated now. I receive more attention and interest, I'm asked for my health, how I feel... At the same, I feel as if they were treating a kid with a mental impairment or disability, like being a retard, suffering from down syndrome, aspergers, etc. I don't know, maybe I am not used to being treated nicely, but I also don't feel I am being treated "normally". As if I had a real problem that crippled my life. Ok, it's true that I look like crap, I have the worst auto steem at this time and I am still like a shadow of my former self, but... I don't want to be treated differently.
Also, defending some things seems to put me in weird situations. I keep raising a "what's the f" constantly. The people that don't know me still see me as a complete wacko, or even more. The shell I had to create?
- The "other" community:
I am far too much fed up with it. Yesterday was the last "Frak it" before taking my leave. I've been called all sort of insults just for saying that Suporn is not perfect and can make mistakes too (even though it is my first choice for when the moment arives), and whoever is going to undergo any surgery (SRS or FFS) should be aware of everything, including the bad parts and that not everybody has a happy outcome. After that, I've been accused of just wanting to inspire fear, cause commotion and destroy the image of surgeons. And that If I did not have irrefutable proof... Who is so blind as to think of a surgeon as a perfect god? And I can remember some recent Post FFS pictures from somebody here that is no having a good time.
I thought of pasting links to the threads here, the images that have made me reconsider SRS, but what could I gain with it? I've encountered the kind of people there that won't believe even after putting the fingers inside the wounds. Other participants were replying "Are you aware that everything he is saying is true?" "Until I see proof, he is inventing everything to scare people so that they can't have their surgeries". Not to mention An FFS assistant from T-Change using clone accounts, surgery groupies insulting anybody that said something bad about their surgeon (even accusing them of being moles from Femilife)... And a complete lack of moderation.
Not to mention, they are the opposite to here. I've been encouraged to self hormonate, to up my dosages, told that the social security endos have no clue about HRT and there is no thing as tailoring for every person here. That self-hormonating was no dangerous if you had some analysis, and to lie about why I need them.
They are like a bunch of idiotic kids, not listening to anybody. I feel old.
- My family:
Things are like this now: My father knows but we have sort of an agreement of doing as if that never happened and I just fake being happy (What he wanted). My mother still enjoys the ignorance. I am tired of holding it and keeping the act. Christmas is almost here and I need it to be as calm as possible, since I know that in the moment I talk everything is going to explode. I need to be patient until he therapist tries to make them reason in January, and I still fear that dreaded date when I have to enter the office with my father. I don't want them involved and being talk about how I feel, etc. I only want to be respected, not understood. I have spent most of my life keeping my things private and know is as if the therapists need to dissect me and show them my brain anatomy.
I'd rather stop going to the therapy and keep with the self hormonating. They may be my family, but all I have wanted for years is to keep them away from my reality, and now they want to connect the two things. I don't like them, in fact I hate them so much that I prefer to end all of this now than having them on it.
- My HRT experience:
I am not mentally ready for it. I should have started this with a full commitment to it and knowing that this is what I truly wanted. Instead I did it in a hot moment out of desperation and frustration. Am I happy about the changes this will bring? Nope. After cooling down, I can only think of it as self inflicted major damage to my body. I have the feeling that I am slowly poisoning myself, crippling my health, risking my life and being stuck with it. For the last days, I've been wanting to stop it, but becoming more of a man is something I also dislike.
It is a bit more than a week, and I don't feel a single thing. I don't feel relief for taking the pills (I only get more worried), neither a "feel good" sensation. I am not even having a bad reaction to it that will just tell me "This is not for you". I though that on HRT I'd feel something that would help me deciding, but still nothing. I only worry more and more about my other health issues and adding an additional one.
And the shrinkage... Heck. I don't know if the antiandrogens are already doing effect or it was quite cold, but today it was so shrunk and compressed down there that I could either sit on the toilet or pee my pants. I had to pull and heat it until it was usable again. And this only happened to me after heavy exercising.
- Money money, money:
This is becoming expensive.The pills, surgery costs, body maintenance, fashion... I'll probably need to add additional euros for voice therapy. I have already planned my savings for the next three years. I won't be able to leave the parental home for a long time. What If I lose my job and I'm left stuck in the middle? Or if I am not able to pay for the drugs in a future, and after crippling myself I develop osteoporosis? My body already aches a lot, like to have more problems.
- Perception of self has changed again:
Not all the outings have been good ones. I was accidentally outed in our small 25 users private hidden community, which happens to be a complete sausagefest. After the initial surprise and the "Good Luck", the thing looks now as if it never happened. The topic is never mentioned, some people do not talk to me anymore, and I am still considered a normal dude. They are the kind of persons that think like "once a dude, always a dude".
Remember that there was a time when I was mentally involuntarily swapping to female? In the end, the constant disparity between my inner mind and the rest of the world proved too much to bear. If somebody that knows my secret tries to treat me as female, I won't react very well. I'm back to using my original pronouns and identifying me as a male. Furthermore, I don't like the paper I had to sign when I started the GD Therapy, on which I claimed that I had always known my desired gender and was identifying as it now. I am non- binary, with an androgyne mindset and can't identify in any gender. Even if yesterday I crossdressed and it felt great and the same time. It's strange how I only want to adapt my body but keep the "male identifier" inside.
Just venting. My leg and hip are hurting again, family came back yesterday and it's hard to keep positive attitude. I keep being asked about what do I want for christmas, and the only thing that comes to my mouth is:
"The only thing I want from both of you is to accept me and not make a fuss about it, accept my new identity and act as if it was a single ordinary change in my life that won't change yours or our daily interactions."
