I'm extremely, EXTREMELY depressed right now b/c I'm nowhere near to getting my top surgery. If I don't get my top surgery done sometime in 2013 there is going to be a bloody mess, meaning I'm going to cut myself up. I feel like doing it now, but I won't b/c I'm too lazy right now. I just need these tumors to be gone. I just want to be able to put on a shirt and not have to put a million binders on to bind my chest. It's so uncomfortable and it's not flat enough. To do one little thing, like going outside for a few minutes to shovel. I have to put on my binder and 3 compression shirts and it's a hassle to do. I just want to get up, put on a shirt on and go out. Then after I'm done shoveling, I take it all off b/c it's so uncomfortable to where and it kills my back. Going out to is depressing too b/c I have to put on all my binding gear and it's makes me not want to go out and do anything.

I hope you can get top surgery soon, binding is a PITA, but making a bloody mess is not the answer.  How far away from having top surgery are you? Is there anything you can do to help save up/make more money to put away for surgery? Just some thoughts: A friend of mine used to make $15/hour shoveling snow and someone else who would make $20/hour cleaning houses on the weekend.  I am sure you can find something you're good at and enjoy that can help you put money away for your surgery.

Hey Buddy.  I totally understand your frustration.  Been there.  What i did was saved every cent i could, asked people for help that i never thought would help.  Don't give up.  I too tried to cut myself up before I was able to find a way to do my top surgery.  Any surgeon that does these surgeries understands we will have scars.  Hang in there my brother.  Patience is a hard thing. 

Quote from: Dominick_81 on December 22, 2012, 03:51:51 PM
I just need these tumors to be gone.

As someone who has a rare genetic illness that causes real tumors in various areas and has had many surgeries just to live that statement pisses me off. Yes, it sucks having a chest but they're not going to kill you. It's extra fat...and I hate them probably more than most because this year alone I have had two surgeries. I can't tell you how many people have seen me without a binder...and I have a full beard. You want to talk about feeling like a freak? Try that.

I would also advise against cutting yourself. If doctors think you have mental disorders they're very unlikely to perform any type of SRS.

@ LearnedHand: Thanks. I'm billion years off. I have no income at all and the money I have I'm being forced to use it on my car so I'm not allowed right now to save for top surgery b/c it has to go to my car for future repairs. I've had to dip into my top surgery fund to pay for car repairs already. I was forced to do that or lose my car and start all over again in finding a car, and paying much more in the long run. I could have had 3 thousand dollars saved by now. Now I'm back to starting all over again and I can't save any money b/c I have no income and whatever I do get has to go to my car or paying back my debts.

@mowdan6: Thanks.  I wish I could save up any money I get but I'm not allowed to, it has to go to my car for car repairs and other car stuff. I have no income so it makes things a lot harder. Once I have a job I can save up. But  I've been 2 years without a job. I don't see a job coming in the near furture or anytime soon.

@Simon: Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, but to me they are tumors and if they don't come off in 2013 I might kill myself. Sorry you have an illness that causes tumors. I know a lot of trans guys refer to their chest as tumors which makes sense to me. I got the term "tumors" from people on this site using it so I started using it as it made sense to me. Again, I'm sorry it offended you.

Things would be so much better if I was dead. My mom is killing me right now to go out and  shovel which means I have to put all my binding gear on for 5 minutes. I feel like cutting right now. I hate my life!

First of all...Simon Chill out.  I am sorry for your situation, and we all have out own problems to deal with.  Your problems do not make mine or any one elses more or less.  To Dominick,  I know it is hard to save money given little to no income.  I faced the same situation myself.  You say you are not allowed to save money.  Been there.  i bought myself a small safe and stored any extra money I could get my hands on in it.  Even if it was only a buck.  That way, it was my money,,,no one else needed to know.  Not sure where you live but can you get on some type of financial assistance that also allows you to work part time.  Is there any place you can find to put aside a few bucks?  Those few dollars might not look like much, but it will give you the satisfaction of knowing you are moving forward.  Don't give up my brother. 

Dominick, you must not hurt yourself. If you are depressed and thinking of suicide please call one of the hotlines.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112671.0.html Your life is precious. Don't speak of throwing it away. Hugs, Devlyn

I don't care who thinks it's ok to liken their chests to tumors. It's not the same thing and you can't know that until you've actually had real tumors. If I was to say something that was considered offensive to someone's situation I wouldn't be telling them to "chill out".

Mowdan, I never said they make yours or anyone's situation any less important...but it is bull to call them that. I know transguys can be very dramatic and over the top but that is a bit much.

Be patient. Your time...my time...everyone's time will come. I'm glad your mom is telling you to get up and do something. Yesterday you said you wanted to lose weight. Well, look at it like it is exercise.

You seriously want to cut yourself over having to get dressed and go outside for half an hour to shovel for your mom?

You don't have a job and want money? Here is a perfect chance. Shovel for your mom and then walk around knocking on doors of people who need their walks or drive ways shoveled. If you could do one an hour you could make a bit today. Just gotta get out there and do it.

Simon, I hear you. My Dad died with a body full of tumours. I had a tumour pulled out of me, you and I both know what it means to hear "It's benign" over the phone. Strength, Brother. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 22, 2012, 04:56:56 PM
Simon, I hear you. My Dad died with a body full of tumours. I had a tumour pulled out of me, you and I both know what it means to hear "It's benign" over the phone. Strength, Brother. Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn, you understand where I'm coming from. *hugs* (So glad yours was benign) 

It's hard to move forward when you have a negative attitude. Instead of coming up with reasons why you can't save, you should be trying to think constructively. Okay, your car ate up your surgery money, but if it's fixed now, you should have the opportunity to look for a job. It's almost Christmas, retail places should have been hiring a month ago. Even PT, temporary work is better than nothing. If you've been out of work for two years, you can try to find something you're good at and make money that way, even if it's unsteady and sporatic income. Open up a Chipin account. I know the economy is horrible right now, but there are places hiring if you're willing to take the time to look and get any necassary training (I know Securitas is ALWAYS hiring because they have such a high turnover rate). I am sure if you and some friends/family work together, you can find something that will work out for you.

I know it's tough, and maybe some people will say that I should just shut my mouth, but when you come on here and say that you're going to kill yourself if you don't get top surgery next year, what do you expect people to say? Everyone pre-op is in the same boat as you, we all understand what it feels like, we all have empathy for you, but I at least feel that it's not a good thing to just come here and say you're going to kill yourself.  It's okay to express your frustrations, but there's been several times I've seen you mention suicide, and I think it's quite concerning. There's links and phone numbers at the top of the FTM section of this forum where you can talk to people who are qualified to discuss these matters.

I hope you don't think I am trying to be rude or inconsiderate to your feelings, I just don't want you to hurt yourself when I think there's ways that you can make peace with yourself until you can get top surgery.

If you think positively, good things will happen to you. Thinking negative thoughts will only attract negativity.

Just why do you need a binder and three compression shirts?  Why is just a binder not enough?  What are you trying to look like?  Most guys are not completely flat past the age of 12 to 14. 

As for me, I'm never completely flat and with a binder and a t-shirt it just looks like I've got great pecs.

Dominick, I'm just going to back up what LearnedHand said.  Sitting here whining on the Internet is not going to get you anywhere.  You've been threatening this for years.  It's not a good idea because cutting and or mutilating yourself like that will get you nothing but hospitalized in the mental health section.  That sort of thing goes on your permanent record.  Which means for you, no top surgery, no legally changing gender, no SRS.  So get over yourself and get out there and figure out a way to get what you want.  Shoving driveways sounds like a great start.  People need things like walking dogs, cleaning houses, gardening, and so on.  Make yourself a valuable part of society.

Even if you don't want to do that, take a walk, clear your head.  Try to be thankful for all the great things that you do have. 

 

If you live in the U.S. then have you considered looking into top surgery scholarships like the Jim Collins foundation?

EDIT: Nevermind I just saw the other topic post but perhaps you can apply in the next cycle.

Or Maybe try fiverr.com and sell your talents online for $4

I was in your position a few years ago - no job, debts to pay, and feeling like I was going to snap at any given time.

The folks here are offering great advice, though. Take advantage of any opportunity to make money, even if it has to go towards repairing your car. The sooner you sort things out there, the sooner you can return to saving for surgery.

Here is a post that really helped me get ideas for how to earn and save money for top surgery, it may inspire you or help you:

http://pansy-boy.tumblr.com/post/13832355588/i-found-at-least-half-of-my-top-surgery-fee-on-the

If you just lie down and say "It's a billion years off, it'll never happen", then you're just going to make yourself feel worse. Try telling yourself things like "I will make this happen" and create a plan for earning money. It might help you clear out the negative thoughts if you can put everything in a neat, linear fashion and see what you will need to make your plans happen.

I don't get the binder and 3 compression shirts either. I mean wouldn't you put on a jacket? Who sees anything under a jacket? Even my fall jacket makes me look like I have broad shoulders and a completely flat chest. Perhaps a compression shirt and a sports bra for aerobic activity which will be building your body up.

I agree re: the tumor comment. I have never had cancers of any kind but I know plenty of people who have.

No group is going to give their money to someone who sounds like they will commit suicide at any point. I think they are looking for someone who will at some point give back to the community.


--Jay

Alright, I might get chewed out for this, but I think you need to hear it. You are a man. Start acting like it. You've got a problem; you need chest surgery. Find a way to solve the problem. Is cutting yourself going to solve the problem? What will solve the problem? What are some things you can do until you are able to have chest surgery? Build your shoulders up more (makes your chest look smaller) wear baggy shirts with wild and bright designs across the chest. You dont need more than one binder, bro. Wear one and then a baggy shirt. Figure out what you CAN do now, and focus on that.

Secondly, find a job. Can you save 250 a month? Then you can have chest surgery in two years. Willing to travel to thailand or the phillipines? You could have it done in one year. Willing to take out a loan? Willing to move to a different town/state/country to find a high paying job (I did).

I know lots of us are coming across harsh, but you need to toughen up brother. Things suck, but we get through them. Be willing to expand your limitations to raise money and succeed. I wish you the best of luck.

Quote from: LearnedHand on December 22, 2012, 05:01:36 PM
It's hard to move forward when you have a negative attitude. Instead of coming up with reasons why you can't save, you should be trying to think constructively. Okay, your car ate up your surgery money, but if it's fixed now, you should have the opportunity to look for a job. It's almost Christmas, retail places should have been hiring a month ago. Even PT, temporary work is better than nothing. If you've been out of work for two years, you can try to find something you're good at and make money that way, even if it's unsteady and sporatic income. Open up a Chipin account. I know the economy is horrible right now, but there are places hiring if you're willing to take the time to look and get any necassary training (I know Securitas is ALWAYS hiring because they have such a high turnover rate). I am sure if you and some friends/family work together, you can find something that will work out for you.

I know it's tough, and maybe some people will say that I should just shut my mouth, but when you come on here and say that you're going to kill yourself if you don't get top surgery next year, what do you expect people to say? Everyone pre-op is in the same boat as you, we all understand what it feels like, we all have empathy for you, but I at least feel that it's not a good thing to just come here and say you're going to kill yourself.  It's okay to express your frustrations, but there's been several times I've seen you mention suicide, and I think it's quite concerning. There's links and phone numbers at the top of the FTM section of this forum where you can talk to people who are qualified to discuss these matters.

I hope you don't think I am trying to be rude or inconsiderate to your feelings, I just don't want you to hurt yourself when I think there's ways that you can make peace with yourself until you can get top surgery.

If you think positively, good things will happen to you. Thinking negative thoughts will only attract negativity.

The whole chipin account I think I tried before. I think you have to know people to get money in that account...?

As for training, I rather be trained in something I'm interested in than something i have no interest in.


"everyone pre-op is in the same boat as you"

Yeah, but if they are on T they end up getting their top surgery within 2 years of being on T.

"If you think positively, good things will happen to you. Thinking negative thoughts will only attract negativity."

My mom always tell me this. I just can't believe it b/c when I do think positive, nothing happens. I've been stuck in the same position since I was in 7th grade. I'm 31 now. There has been no change.

Quote from: mowdan6 on December 22, 2012, 04:43:04 PM
First of all...Simon Chill out.  I am sorry for your situation, and we all have out own problems to deal with.  Your problems do not make mine or any one elses more or less.  To Dominick,  I know it is hard to save money given little to no income.  I faced the same situation myself.  You say you are not allowed to save money.  Been there.  i bought myself a small safe and stored any extra money I could get my hands on in it.  Even if it was only a buck.  That way, it was my money,,,no one else needed to know.  Not sure where you live but can you get on some type of financial assistance that also allows you to work part time.  Is there any place you can find to put aside a few bucks?  Those few dollars might not look like much, but it will give you the satisfaction of knowing you are moving forward.  Don't give up my brother. 

I couldn't store any extra money if I wanted to b/c if I did end up saving extra money and then finally had the money for my top surgery, my mom would have a fit that I didn't spend that money on my car. And when I go to book my surgery, she would be like, "how do you have the money for surgery when you owe me money and you need repairs for your car"? She would have a fit and probably make me cancel my surgery date. And there would be no way she would travel with me to get my surgery. I would be traveling alone.



You seriously want to cut yourself over having to get dressed and go outside for half an hour to shovel for your mom?

No, I didn't want to cut myself over that. It's the fact that I'm so depressed b/c I still have to bind my chest with a ton of biding gear and that these things are still there and I feel like they will be there forever and it's so depressing.

Quote from: Squirrel698 on December 22, 2012, 05:25:13 PM
Just why do you need a binder and three compression shirts?  Why is just a binder not enough?  What are you trying to look like?  Most guys are not completely flat past the age of 12 to 14. 

As for me, I'm never completely flat and with a binder and a t-shirt it just looks like I've got great pecs.

Dominick, I'm just going to back up what LearnedHand said.  Sitting here whining on the Internet is not going to get you anywhere.  You've been threatening this for years.  It's not a good idea because cutting and or mutilating yourself like that will get you nothing but hospitalized in the mental health section.  That sort of thing goes on your permanent record.  Which means for you, no top surgery, no legally changing gender, no SRS.  So get over yourself and get out there and figure out a way to get what you want.  Shoving driveways sounds like a great start.  People need things like walking dogs, cleaning houses, gardening, and so on.  Make yourself a valuable part of society.

Even if you don't want to do that, take a walk, clear your head.  Try to be thankful for all the great things that you do have. 

 

Just the binder doesn't do the job or work right. I first have to put a compression shirt, then fold up another compression shirt, put my binder on then put on another compression shirt and then another one b/c it's whiter and that's what shows on top for the button up shirts.


Which means for you, no top surgery, no legally changing gender, no SRS.

I already have my gender marker changed and I'm not doing bottom surgery. Also, mowdan6 said that surgeons that do top surgery will understand we will have scars.

Or Maybe try fiverr.com and sell your talents online for $4

Got no talent unfortunately.

Quote from: Zerro on December 23, 2012, 12:24:53 AM
I was in your position a few years ago - no job, debts to pay, and feeling like I was going to snap at any given time.

The folks here are offering great advice, though. Take advantage of any opportunity to make money, even if it has to go towards repairing your car. The sooner you sort things out there, the sooner you can return to saving for surgery.

Here is a post that really helped me get ideas for how to earn and save money for top surgery, it may inspire you or help you:

http://pansy-boy.tumblr.com/post/13832355588/i-found-at-least-half-of-my-top-surgery-fee-on-the

If you just lie down and say "It's a billion years off, it'll never happen", then you're just going to make yourself feel worse. Try telling yourself things like "I will make this happen" and create a plan for earning money. It might help you clear out the negative thoughts if you can put everything in a neat, linear fashion and see what you will need to make your plans happen.

Thanks for the link, I'll check it out. 

I make a list today of things I want to accomplish in 2013 and having Top surgery is number 1 on my list.

Quote from: aleon515 on December 23, 2012, 12:42:48 AM
I don't get the binder and 3 compression shirts either. I mean wouldn't you put on a jacket? Who sees anything under a jacket? Even my fall jacket makes me look like I have broad shoulders and a completely flat chest. Perhaps a compression shirt and a sports bra for aerobic activity which will be building your body up.

I agree re: the tumor comment. I have never had cancers of any kind but I know plenty of people who have.

No group is going to give their money to someone who sounds like they will commit suicide at any point. I think they are looking for someone who will at some point give back to the community.


--Jay

Read above for the answer about the binder.

Sorry about the tumor comment. I got it from people saying it on here.

Are you talking about the top surgery funding group? How can anyone who can't afford surgery give back to the group if they have no money in the first place and are also struggling to get by in life? I'd be living in the streets or dead if it wasn't for my mom letting me still live at home.

Quote from: chuck on December 23, 2012, 07:18:28 AM
Alright, I might get chewed out for this, but I think you need to hear it. You are a man. Start acting like it. You've got a problem; you need chest surgery. Find a way to solve the problem. Is cutting yourself going to solve the problem? What will solve the problem? What are some things you can do until you are able to have chest surgery? Build your shoulders up more (makes your chest look smaller) wear baggy shirts with wild and bright designs across the chest. You dont need more than one binder, bro. Wear one and then a baggy shirt. Figure out what you CAN do now, and focus on that.

Secondly, find a job. Can you save 250 a month? Then you can have chest surgery in two years. Willing to travel to thailand or the phillipines? You could have it done in one year. Willing to take out a loan? Willing to move to a different town/state/country to find a high paying job (I did).

I know lots of us are coming across harsh, but you need to toughen up brother. Things suck, but we get through them. Be willing to expand your limitations to raise money and succeed. I wish you the best of luck.

There is one job I'm kinda hoping to get. It's not the job I want and the hours suck and I don't want to take the elevator and she won't work with me to avoid taking the elevator. If I was a boss and someone was petrified of taking the elevator, I'd work around it so they wouldn't  have to take the elevator. It seems like she would give me the job she just has to check my references. Maybe I'll hear from her after the holidays...? If not, I'll call and see if she hired anyone. It's part time and not much above minimum wage to start out.

Quote from: Dominick_81 on December 23, 2012, 07:09:55 PM
Yeah, but if they are on T they end up getting their top surgery within 2 years of being on T.

...because they worked for it.

None of us are entitled to have SRS. No one should expect it just to fall in our lap. It's a goal...something to obtain with realistic time expectations. If you have no job and no money then you have no top surgery. It's simple as that.

I also noticed you talking about how controlling your mother is. Well, even at 31 years of age you live under her roof. You should feel privileged to even have that option and she has to have a big heart to have taken care of you all these years. Get a job, pay her back, fix your car, and then save for surgery. The sooner you start the sooner it will all be accomplished.

As far as the elevator; don't expect anyone in the real world to bend over backwards for you...for any reason. Either take the stairs and if that is not an option you should look elsewhere.

Remember, in this life no one owes you anything. It's all up to you.

Quote from: Dominick_81 on December 23, 2012, 07:09:55 PM

"If you think positively, good things will happen to you. Thinking negative thoughts will only attract negativity."

My mom always tell me this. I just can't believe it b/c when I do think positive, nothing happens. I've been stuck in the same position since I was in 7th grade. I'm 31 now. There has been no change.


Are you talking about the top surgery funding group? How can anyone who can't afford surgery give back to the group if they have no money in the first place and are also struggling to get by in life? I'd be living in the streets or dead if it wasn't for my mom letting me still live at home.

Being positive is a job, you can't just say one day "positive thoughts"  and expect everything to change overnight. I think I am a relatively positive person, and it's taken me years and years of mental training to not be a depressed wreck.

Also, being positive and expecting things to change on it's own just won't happen, it's more about mentally preparing yourself to be proactive and make your own changes. It's up to you to take the first step, to push the boundaries and make things happen. Every day you need to wake up and say "Dominick, I am an awesome guy, I love myself, and today, I am going to make my life better. Nothing is going to bother me today, everything is going to go well." Really, it might sound weird, but just say that to yourself every morning, and it'll make a difference even if it takes a few months or years to really set in to the point where you believe it. (God, I should just write self-help books).

You're 31 years old man, it's time to go out and change your life. You said you only want training in something you're interested in, so what's holding you back? What are your interests? Anything is possible, the world is open to you! Also, getting trained in something not interesting to you isn't necessarily a bad thing if it can help serve your goals. I wasn't particularly excited to be a security officer, but getting my SO license and gun licenses was a good thing for me, because it got me a decent paying job with benefits that enabled me to pay my rent, have a bit of fun, and have full independence from my parents. If getting trained in something that bores you brings you closer to completely fixing your car, paying your mom, and getting top surgery, what's so wrong with that?

Giving back to the community means more than just money. Giving back can be volunteer work, mentoring young transguys/girls, or even just being a good role model for the community.

I understand that you feel down now, and it's perfectly acceptable to feel frustrated, but you can't use it as a crutch forever. Your life is in your own hands, and it's up to you to make your own choices. Everyone here at Susans is willing to help you out if you are willing to take our help. 

Quote from: LearnedHand on December 23, 2012, 08:00:57 PM
Being positive is a job, you can't just say one day "positive thoughts"  and expect everything to change overnight. I think I am a relatively positive person, and it's taken me years and years of mental training to not be a depressed wreck.

Also, being positive and expecting things to change on it's own just won't happen, it's more about mentally preparing yourself to be proactive and make your own changes. It's up to you to take the first step, to push the boundaries and make things happen. Every day you need to wake up and say "Dominick, I am an awesome guy, I love myself, and today, I am going to make my life better. Nothing is going to bother me today, everything is going to go well." Really, it might sound weird, but just say that to yourself every morning, and it'll make a difference even if it takes a few months or years to really set in to the point where you believe it. (God, I should just write self-help books).

You're 31 years old man, it's time to go out and change your life. You said you only want training in something you're interested in, so what's holding you back? What are your interests? Anything is possible, the world is open to you! Also, getting trained in something not interesting to you isn't necessarily a bad thing if it can help serve your goals. I wasn't particularly excited to be a security officer, but getting my SO license and gun licenses was a good thing for me, because it got me a decent paying job with benefits that enabled me to pay my rent, have a bit of fun, and have full independence from my parents. If getting trained in something that bores you brings you closer to completely fixing your car, paying your mom, and getting top surgery, what's so wrong with that?

Giving back to the community means more than just money. Giving back can be volunteer work, mentoring young transguys/girls, or even just being a good role model for the community.

I understand that you feel down now, and it's perfectly acceptable to feel frustrated, but you can't use it as a crutch forever. Your life is in your own hands, and it's up to you to make your own choices. Everyone here at Susans is willing to help you out if you are willing to take our help. 

Agreed. I'm not a positive person. It's hard to be positive in a life full of disappointments and frustrations. My life has not gone the way I wanted it too.

You said you only want training in something you're interested in, so what's holding you back? What are your interests?

College loan. I've been told since I have a college loan that I can't go back to school and I really want to go back so I can get a job in the field I'm interested in.  My dream is so be a Screen Writer. But if I can get a job doing behind the scenes stuff, that would be great! Whether it be in theater or on movie sets. Also, I would love to drive. That would be my fallback if I can't make it in the entertainment industry.  I tried a class for truck driving but it bored me to death. 5 hours reading from a book, I thought I was gonna die of boredom.  I can't learn in a classroom,( I have a learning disability) it has to be hands on, and besides, I couldn't see myself diving a huge truck anyway. I'd like to drive something smaller, a lot smaller.

If getting trained in something that bores you brings you closer to completely fixing your car, paying your mom, and getting top surgery, what's so wrong with that?

Why waste my time in something I have no interest in when I could be trained in something I am interested in? If your trained in something your interested in your gonna do well in it. If your trained in something you have no interest in your not gonna do well, so to me it's pointless. And all these driving jobs you need a special license and training. Now I don't mind the training, just as long as it's hands on and not in a classroom. Everybody learn differently, and me, I can't learn in a classroom. It goes in one ear and out the other.

Quote from: Liam Erik on December 23, 2012, 08:17:42 PM
If it's a part time job that pays next to nothing, then odds are you can be replaced extremely easily.  That means there is no incentive for them to put more than a minimum of effort into accommodating you. 

True. They have a 6 month probation to see how well you work out.

That means there is no incentive for them to put more than a minimum of effort into accommodating you.

That sucks. I was gonna have this lady who's helping me find a job come in and help me with getting used to the elevator. She suggested that. I just have to ask the boss there if they would let her do that. She's gonna be like my job coach.