You all seem so normal. HAHA. Now that is a good one, I'll remember it sometime. :-)
Seriously though I think therapy and support groups helped a LOT.
I still think about trans about 24/7. I know I dream about it, because I wake up and think "that was a trans dream".

--Jay

I had a " not trans enough" dream earlier today. I didn't like it. It made me feel like I was being pushed back into the world of the lost.

I'm reaching outside myself and going to consider a support group. I'm really nervous but I am willing to try it.

I love the support group. Funny thing I never liked group therapy or anythign like that, but really like the support groups we have.

--Jay

Thanks Jay,

I'm willing to try anything at this stage. I'm feeling stuck. It's like I'm in the doorway that borders two different worlds.

Quote from: Maelan on December 22, 2012, 11:29:16 PM
I'm reaching outside myself and going to consider a support group. I'm really nervous but I am willing to try it.

Well, I'll give you my experience with the transgender support group I'm in.

When I was first there, I saw myself as genderqueer, but not MtF. As I got to know the women there and listen to them talk about their lives and transitions, I realized that the thing I wouldn't let myself even think about until that time - living my life as a woman - was actually a possibility. I had a "Hey! That's what I want!" type response which took me from someone who was pretty sure transition wouldn't be right for him to someone who is certain she never again wants to live as a man.

I still go there. They have been very supportive and helpful. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Quote from: Maelan on December 22, 2012, 11:29:16 PM
I had a " not trans enough" dream earlier today. I didn't like it. It made me feel like I was being pushed back into the world of the lost.

I'm reaching outside myself and going to consider a support group. I'm really nervous but I am willing to try it.

I was so nervous about my first support group meeting that I didn't dress. I didn't think I passed well enough for it. It was very awkward for me sitting there in male mode and being addressed as female in a room where I was the only one in male mode. It's an opportunity to take your dressing outside of the home. Usually they have a place where you can change on site if traveling in girl mode is an issue. People also like to talk about where they are and past experiences there. In just one night, I heard stories that sounded exactly like my past so much, I came to realize that I was on the right track.

I go to an ftm group and a mixed group which mtf, ftm, genderqueer, parents, spouses, etc all go to. They never assume anything about anybody's gender and ask what pronouns people want to use. When I started, I tried "they" since like AG I considered myself genderqueer. I changed to he later. I could have come in as a she and changed to he later on. OTOH, I suppose things are a bit different if you go to a strictly mtf or ftm group. I actually didn't go to the ftm group until later.

Every so often we have a new person coming to group, coming in looking completely one sex and then see that person become more of what they should be.

--Jay

Thank you everyone. I feel a bit better about it. I'm sure I will be nervous the first time, but it's a start.  Im probably going in my state of girl mode which is from the shoulders down. I'm EXTREMELY nervous and new to makeup and such and have never tried it. I don't even know where to start. I was hoping to wait until my hair grew out more. I love my hair long and it does make me feel more feminine. But, knowing my state of mind, the urge to explore that area will come as naturally as the others did.

I will chat to my therapist about this. She leads a group and probably has some good insight and advice for me.

Quote from: Maelan on December 23, 2012, 07:00:07 PM
Thank you everyone. I feel a bit better about it. I'm sure I will be nervous the first time, but it's a start.  Im probably going in my state of girl mode which is from the shoulders down. I'm EXTREMELY nervous and new to makeup and such and have never tried it. I don't even know where to start. I was hoping to wait until my hair grew out more. I love my hair long and it does make me feel more feminine. But, knowing my state of mind, the urge to explore that area will come as naturally as the others did.

I will chat to my therapist about this. She leads a group and probably has some good insight and advice for me.

I was nervous too. But after awhile, the nervousness went away. People come dressed in all sorts of ways, esp the gals. Everything from dressed totally male to a small little nod to uber femme and everything in between.

--Jay

I am questioning my motivations and hesitant to do anything. I want to. I think of dressing almost constantly and dream of the day when I could dress for a normal day and be the me I want to be. I think I'm frightened and this kind of fear is new to me. The consequences are forefront in my mind. I have a friend who balances it and has advised me on ways to do so. I would die if I ruined my relationship with my children. They are my heart and soul. I've spent the past 22 years parenting them with all I have.

I miss my girl side. I miss her very much. She is strong, compassionate, loving, smart and hard working. I need to embrace her but I'm not sure how to do that. I'm afraid I'm losing her and returning to the emptiness I once felt.

Quote from: Maelan on December 24, 2012, 10:51:37 PM
I would die if I ruined my relationship with my children. They are my heart and soul. I've spent the past 22 years parenting them with all I have.

I feel the same way. Mine are not as old as yours, but it would be devastating if I couldn't be part of their lives.

Luckily for me, it seems we've done a sufficiently good job of teaching them acceptance that they've taken my forays into transgender in stride and have been surprisingly supportive of my preparations for transition. Of course, when full-time comes, who knows how they will react.

Quote from: agfrommd on December 25, 2012, 06:20:55 AM
Luckily for me, it seems we've done a sufficiently good job of teaching them acceptance that they've taken my forays into transgender in stride and have been surprisingly supportive of my preparations for transition. Of course, when full-time comes, who knows how they will react.

You, Maelan, have said before that you remade yourself several times and that this fear of being yourself is not something you're used to. It sounds to me like you've probably already taught them acceptance through your own actions, but I'd still be cautious. I don't have kids, but I have nieces and nephews with a sibling that I spend a great deal of time with. The thought of losing them over this is a major source of fear for me.

Thanks ag & Karen.  That does help calm me down and I will proceed cautiously, that's for sure.

I've been reading through some of Karens blog and I can't get through a single paragraph before I start crying. So much of it speaks to me. It's almost like I'm walking down the path you just walked. I need to read the 14-steps for myself and document what I'm feeling. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Karen. I don't feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts, concerns and feelings.

I think I'm in discovery mode. My appetite for information is large.

I was 56 when I put on my first feminine article (I'm 64 now). I went through pretty much the same things you did, Maelan. I felt different all my life but never knew why. I believe I came out late because I was ready and able to handle whatever came my way.

I love the fact that you are open to these experiences. Embrace each moment that you experience. I don't wear male underwear any longer. My wife goes out with me now whereas once she wouldn't be caught dead with me dressed. I'm out with the member s of my church and have an interview of my wife and me on video.

Whichever way you choose to go, enjoy the pleasant moments. Keep seeking and learning.

Thank you Gennee,

Your words of encouragement are most appreciated and helpful. I want with all my heart and soul to enjoy this journey. It's amazing in all it's forms. I want to know me, for once and for real. I want to see myself in the light of truth and act in my best interests.  If I do that, any decision will be the right one. 

Thanks for the support. I trying my best.

Quote from: Maelan on December 25, 2012, 02:14:38 PM
I've been reading through some of Karens blog and I can't get through a single paragraph before I start crying. So much of it speaks to me. It's almost like I'm walking down the path you just walked. I need to read the 14-steps for myself and document what I'm feeling. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Karen. I don't feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts, concerns and feelings.

Glad it helped someone. I know they're long. I'm incapable of short posts. I'm misunderstood so much, I find myself repeating things a lot to make sure I'm not, but it never works lol. I like reading detailed accounts of other peoples lives because it helps me to understand mine better. I think that's why I did mine the same way.

Emily,
I like how you express yourself in such detail. It's easy to understand your feelings and it helps the reader too, including myself.

As I struggle to make sense of everything just knowing others have been there really helps me feel a little less isolated.

Thank you.


I like the new name.

I am really enjoying therapy and especially my therapist. I see now why it's so important to find one who has significant TG experience.  She understands what I'm saying and feeling.

I got a bit of validation that's it's okay to enjoy my journey. I guess I wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy.   I am going to enjoy this journey. It's the best ride I've ever been on and gives me a reasons to live a good life.