Hey everyone, my name is Alice, and I'm very new to all of this...
My legal name is Alfred, and I just turned 24. I'm not sure how to classify myself (never was one for labels, but they do make everything easier) so I guess I'll just explain my situation.
Growing up, I always felt something wasn't right about me. All my guy friends were trying to be as manly as they could be, and when puberty hit they would all brag about how they were growing moustaches and beards. My situation was a little different...
I would dream about being a girl, and I was absolutely convinced that something went wrong with the cosmic order of things (whatever that may be) and I ended up being born a male. Growing up in a Catholic household made me very afraid of what could happen to me spiritually if I spent too much time thinking about it. But at the same time, my grandmother (my sole guardian at the time) raised me to believe that you could do anything if you had enough faith and prayed nightly.
Well, the lord never made me a girl, and for a long time there was a point where I refused to think about my strange situation. Every time it entered my mind, I would dismiss it and then sink into an angry depression. Eventually I had my big falling-out with Christianity in general, and it was then that I started to embrace what I had denied for so long.
I was 17, and in high school I had befriended the resident "freaks". These were the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and goth kids, the kids pushed away from everyone else because they did things a little differently than the majority (a trend I've noticed is a little reversed nowadays). I struck a really strong relationship with one of them, a boy by the name of Keith, and he introduced me to my first homosexual encounter. Later on that year, there was a big festival at the local community college in celebration of difference, and the gay community was out in full color. We had great fun, and I met more amazing and wonderful people during the event.
One group of individuals had a larger impact on me than the rest, however - a group of gender queer people with stories to share of trials, discovery, and love that would really shape my future. They called themselves Third Sex, and I took everything they said to heart.
By now, I was 19 and openly bisexual, but I still felt something was missing from the equation. I was much happier being accepted for my love of the same sex, but even when I was with my male significant other, I felt estranged. I did some deep soul-searching or star-consulting or whatever you wish to call it, and about a year later it dawned on me that my attraction to the female form wasn't one of lust, but one of envy.
I wanted to become a woman, and I was going to accomplish it one way or another.
However, some things are easier said than done, and for a long time I did nothing about it. I was far too sacred to admit this to anyone. My friends said they knew something was up with me, the way I acted, my mannerisms, and my interests. They said there was always something, "Not so much gay, more girly" about me. I was told about this when I came out to them about being homosexual, a front I put up in hopes of explaining my mannerisms. Not even my boyfriend believed it.
At the end of 2006, I bought a pair of women's jeans and a babydoll tee. I wore them to my brother's wedding reception (more of an afterparty than a formal thing) and I was confused for a girl on several occasions that evening. It felt great, and I haven't looked back since.
I still haven't worn a skirt or even a bra out in public, but I'm working up my courage a little at a time. If I had the money, I would pursue hormone therapy and breast augmentation without hesitation. I've thought about it for a very long time, and it's something I really want. Just this year I met two wonderful people who have helped me come to terms with myself, and they introduced me to this forum. I didn't join for some time, wondering if I was ready or not to become a part of this sort of community - but after I realized how silly I was being, here I am.
That's pretty much my story... I hope to get to know some of you, and even get to know myself a little better by joining this wonderful place. ^^
