I want this new year to be all about me. Not all about me in a selfish sense, but I want to focus on becoming who I really am, doing what benefits me, and what makes me happy. I feel as if I have spent too much of time focusing on others and neglecting myself.

I went over to a state park today, and went for a walk. It was beautiful. Hardly anyone was there, the ground was covered in snow, everything was still. I used to go over there all the time, but I stopped going once I met my husband. I couldn't go with him. I feel like I lost part of myself once I stopped going. I was greatly influenced by Henry David Thoreau at that time in my life when I was starting to develop a sense of self, and I began to associate the woods and nature with my inner well being and mental balance. I feel as if I am a Two Spirit person, and these two sides of myself create this tension and turmoil inside of me that I need to calm. When I am out in nature, I feel a sense of balance inside of me. I want to go back to the woods regularly again this year. I think it will help me find out who I am again. I feel as if I got lost ever since I met my husband. I wasn't truly on the right path before, but he pulled me much further away and forced me to really put on a mask.

While I was out there, I was thinking about what Eleanor said in the "New Year's Resolution?" thread about wanting to find out what kind of girl she is this year, since before she was just focused on being a girl. I am a boy, but what kind of boy am I? I reflected on who I was before I ran off with my husband and put a mask on. Before, I was independent minded, I didn't care what people thought of me. I forged my own way in life, and didn't care if I was doing something that no one did before or if people said that I would fail. I was an artist who painted pictures for me, not for the sake of money or fame. My husband tried to change me by telling me that everyone thought that I was stupid, annoying, conceited; he put doubt in me by constantly interrogating me about my paintings and about everything that I did, and telling me that if it wasn't for him that I'd be no where and just a failure.

I want to get back to being me this year, even if I am not entirely sure who I am. I am going to focus more on my yoga and meditation in hopes of finding more balance. Before going into the woods, I bought more boy clothes, and yesterday I got my hair cut. I am going to dress the way that I want, and I don't even care if I pass. I am tired of dressing and acting a certain way for the sake of others comfort. I just want to be comfortable with who I am this year.


What kind of guy/girl do you think you are? And what do you do or where do you go to discover yourself?

Good for you Henry! It sounds so great to hear you taking charge of your life! I'm sorry that your husband put you down so much, that is really abusive.  I wish you luck in getting back to that independent peaceful self that has for so long been repressed; as well as wishing you luck figuring out what type of man you really are!  Good luck in the start of this new year, and we hope to see the new haircut

Quote from: spring0721 on January 01, 2013, 06:31:11 PM
Good for you Henry! It sounds so great to hear you taking charge of your life! I'm sorry that your husband put you down so much, that is really abusive.  I wish you luck in getting back to that independent peaceful self that has for so long been repressed; as well as wishing you luck figuring out what type of man you really are!  Good luck in the start of this new year, and we hope to see the new haircut

Here's the haircut: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,132956.0.html

Hope your new year is going well too!

Ok, this is a very easy question. To figure out who you are, just do things that make you feel really warm and fuzzy inside. What you find to be interesting and what makes you happy would tell you what kind of person you are.

For example, I watch Desperate Housewives and squeal with giddiness at every romantic moment; I play video games like Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and I scream and laugh with my friends while we play; I practice throwing knives; I listen to girly pop music, rock, country, and all sorts of other music (except rap  ); I sometimes takes showers in the rain with shampoo and everything; I can have fun playing with a stick; I work out with gymnastics, sprinting, bike riding, weightlifting, and vinyasa yoga; I watch cartoons; I love science, math, and history; I read comic books; I own a Master Sword, Hylian shield, and a Captain America Shield; I find humor in everything and look on the bright side; I like hugs; I can't sit still; I like talking. 

Those are but some of the things that make me happy. From that, I can guess that I'm a chatty, eccentric, nerdy, open-minded, active, optimistic, affectionate, hyperactive little devil child-at-heart.

So, how do you figure out who you are? One word is enough to answer that little question: live. 

Quote from: LearnedHand on January 01, 2013, 04:31:34 PM
What kind of guy/girl do you think you are? And what do you do or where do you go to discover yourself?

I'm a nerd.

For a long time I felt as if I needed to be a stereotypical grown man...into football, cars, guns, blah...blah.

Nope, that never worked for me. I enjoy museums, retro gaming, dinosaurs, science oriented things, Sci Fi, superheros, etc.

When I need time to think I go fishing or walk around a museum or zoo.

Quote from: Simon on January 01, 2013, 08:23:21 PM
I'm a nerd.

For a long time I felt as if I needed to be a stereotypical grown man...into football, cars, guns, blah...blah.

Nope, that never worked for me. I enjoy museums, retro gaming, dinosaurs, science oriented things, Sci Fi, superheros, etc.

When I need time to think I go fishing or walk around a museum or zoo.

Same.

I've always been kinda dismayed when I saw videos of transmen on YouTube; they were often these really macho guys who looked like (or were) butch lesbians before transitioning, and I felt like I couldn't possibly be trans because I'm nerdy and sensitive. But you know what? Screw those guys. They're not me.

I'm a roleplayer with long hair and everything. I'm also an atist. I'm a little sad that I have to change myself in order to get T and so on...

Quote from: LearnedHand on January 01, 2013, 04:31:34 PM

What kind of guy/girl do you think you are? And what do you do or where do you go to discover yourself?

I'd say I'm pretty balanced, ideally. Right now things are a bit dark and unpleasant, but when I am happy I can have friends, have fun, get outside, and accomplish things. None of that is really appealing right now in a real way, though I have a current theoretical appreciation based on past experience.

I'm going to get active though, whether I like it or not. Next week I'll start doing karate, so that will hopefully help ease the black cloud over my head a bit. Life would be pretty boring if I were depressed for all of it, after all.

As far as I can tell, I don't have any real passions. The desire to learn is probably the closest thing I have to that. I seem to have grown out of video games for the most part, and I'm just generally having a tough time finding something that I enjoy. Maybe the Internet will reveal something to me, in time, or maybe I'll just get lucky one day and accidentally find something fun to do - something that I can devote myself to wholly, because I can love it.

Quote from: AlexD on January 02, 2013, 12:32:16 AM
Same.

I've always been kinda dismayed when I saw videos of transmen on YouTube; they were often these really macho guys who looked like (or were) butch lesbians before transitioning, and I felt like I couldn't possibly be trans because I'm nerdy and sensitive. But you know what? Screw those guys. They're not me.

You say you identify with my statement, yet I look like one of the "macho" transguys you described. There isn't a feminine bone in my body (not that there is anything wrong with being feminine). I just don't have the same interests as most binary identified transmen...but that is ok.

Don't be so quick to judge. Also, just to clarify I was never a butch lesbian or even a lesbian. I've always been a straight man. Not everyone has to venture through lesbianism to reach the conclusion that they are male. Screw those guys? Why? They're just being who they are too.

Quote from: Simon on January 02, 2013, 03:22:39 AM
You say you identify with my statement, yet I look like one of the "macho" transguys you described. There isn't a feminine bone in my body (not that there is anything wrong with being feminine). I just don't have the same interests as most binary identified transmen...but that is ok.

Don't be so quick to judge. Also, just to clarify I was never a butch lesbian or even a lesbian. I've always been a straight man. Not everyone has to venture through lesbianism to reach the conclusion that they are male. Screw those guys? Why? They're just being who they are too.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's what I get for trying to be confident when I'm so inexperienced at it. -_-

There's obviously nothing wrong with being macho; it's just not the only way to be male, and sometimes it's really hard to remember that. I was also referring to "macho" as in behaviour, rather than appearance. But who am I kidding, I'm just a stupid little girl.

Quote from: AlexD on January 02, 2013, 03:45:27 AM
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's what I get for trying to be confident when I'm so inexperienced at it. -_-

There's obviously nothing wrong with being macho; it's just not the only way to be male, and sometimes it's really hard to remember that. I was also referring to "macho" as in behaviour, rather than appearance. But who am I kidding, I'm just a stupid little girl.

First of all, you're not a stupid little girl...you're a dumb little boy (I'm kidding...you're not dumb, lol).

I apologize if I came across too strongly in my statements. That wasn't my intention to make you feel bad. We all have a ways to go when it comes to accepting those who are not exactly like us (myself included). I think transfolks are great at picking each other apart and it needs to cease. No worries, everything is kosher little padawan. 

Thanks. Sorry about the hissyfit; I guess I'm just kinda unstable at the moment. After all, I'm still not even sure if I'm trans or not. My therapist needs to get back from his holidays already, heh.

What kind of guy am I? Well, I'm still trying to find out, I guess. Turns out, I'm not exactly the kind of guy I thought I'd be. I'm also developing a lot of new interests and an unexpected twist in my sexuality. Still trying to adjust to my new life and the new way people act with me.

Learnedhand, this is a beautiful post and I'm glad you're breaking away from others' expectations. I look forward to watching your progress over the new year.

I'm a nerdy, pretty feminine guy with several obsessive interests and bad social skills. I like the goth subculture, mostly the music but the fashion as well. I've tried being a model and it was actually pretty fun, would do it again if I got the chance. I'm really into cooking at the moment, becoming vegetarian made me really interested in it.

I think I am trying to figure out something a little deeper than just my interests. I know what I like -- guns, knitting, The Rice Cakes, Masterpiece Theater, the Callie Crossley Show, Snatam Kaur, etc.; and what I don't like -- pork, mac 'n' cheese, people yelling, memorizing the Uniform Partnership Act, and panhandlers.... I think who someone is can transcend interests. I think people are like a lantern; the outside metal and glass are our interests while the inside flame is our core soul that shows who we truly are regardless of our surroundings, time we live in, and place in the life cycle. I remember listening to a Sikh talk about how one of the guys who went to his gurdwara appeared to be all calm all the time and meditated daily etc., but it never really changed him like it should have, because he freaked out over some things when he should've remained calm. I think how you react to certain situations reveals who you are.

I know I can remain calm under pressure (at least at work and school, not sure how I'd react if I was in a war zone), that I am really good at taking insults from others without letting it bother me (except my husband). I know I can be really nice to people, but also wicked mean (I am a fire sign so I can get a little hotheaded). I know I can give into things too easily just to avoid a prolonged confrontation. I know before I thought I was a strong person, but then ended up in my horrible marriage situation; am I the type of person to learn from my mistakes or will I become blind in the future? I think Eleanor was more curious about finding out stuff like this, what's in your core?  I think my husband made me feel guilty and self-conscious too much and that it has put a cloud on my core. I never felt guilt about much before, but now I am almost constantly questioning all of my actions and weighing myself against his definition of what's right and moral. I think I need to find a way to separate his and everyone else's judgments and version of morality away from me to clear out this negative energy, and really focus on how I react to situations, how I want to react, and what I believe in. 

Sorry if this seemed to ramble on a bit and if I sound like a stoned hippie.

what kind of guy am I?
thats a pretty hard question I think? I am kinda like a wayfaring stranger with every place my place and yet no exact home, I am curious, loves alot of diffrent thing, but also abit of a loner at times.

I belive some part of who I am, is those part I am deep inside, and some parts of who I am is who I have become in order to survive and with influence of my growing up experience.

when I where younger my Ex told me I had to stay strong cause I where a fighter,
I dont think im naturally a fighter, but I had to become one in order to get thought all I have.
Someone once said you never know how much you can do before someone force you I think thats true so for a long time I been a fighter simple just to be me.

Growing up I became a fighter, a loner a dreamer.
but I have always been a creative person with a wild fantasy, liked to talk to people, and not caring to much what other think.

I am also a bit bi-polar. I can be very depressive and deep but also positive, I can be very serious and very childlish, love alternative lifestyles and fashion but also just want to fit in somehow being lazy and not make a big deal out of things.

I might seams complex for most people cause I usunally dont share there opinions or belifs, but deep down I just want to be me and be happy whatever that demand. and I also wish happyness for those I love.

I am not all sure what that makes me, the general boxes people put me into are; nerdy, creative, or "special", in good and bad ways"

I think I as well had to hide myself for too long, the last few years I had more chances to be myself and do what I like but still not 100% all the time

What kind of man am I? I'm not always sure. I would say I'm a sum of all my parts, but keeping track of those parts is difficult.
I'm conscientious. I like to do one thing at a time and be thorough. I'm eccentric or so I've been told. I get really excited about things I like. I'm a fighter. Always have been. I am the oldest son which is, admittedly, an old fashioned concept, but it's the attitude I've taken since I was a boy and I like it. People used to say that I have a good imagination, but I am actually pretty analytical. I do have a pretty detailed and colourful world in my head that I like to day dream about. Actually, that imaginary world is probably the best at showing who I am since it is literally my world and my mind. Oh and I'm a scientist. Not officially yet, but just you wait. Although, I'm the kind of scientist that also wants to believe in magic.
I lost myself for a few years, so I'm still dealing with that. It also throws me for a loop that I can't see myself. That probably sounds really narcissistic, but that's not how I mean it. It's like... I look in the mirror and I know that's supposed to me, but it looks like someone else and I don't know who that person is.
Good luck to everyone on finding this stuff out. It's so much fun!

Me, I am a pretty laid back girl. I like to have fun, but kind of just go with the flow. I prefer not to make a lot of decisions, and just do what ever the person I am with wants to do. I really enjoy meeting new people, and trying new things. I'm relatively easy to please. If you put thought into something, I love it.

I think I'm a very confused kind. I've spent so many years adopting other peoples likes and dislikes, that I really am not sure what I really like anymore. I know I like watching waves crash against rocks. I know I like the feeling of being outdoors, but not of roasting in the sun. I know I like all music, but more specifically musicals. And I know I despise the taste of beer and need to stop faking that one!

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments everyone, they were really interesting to read.