Im new to these forums im not sure if this is apropreate or not.Im really in a very bad situation.The last 2 1/2 years ive been transitioning has just been a total mess.Ive squander chances the go further in my transition that was really simply stuff.Ive been on hrt for over 2 years now and didnt reall get good results.part of the reason was my fault because i smoked pot for about half the time ive been on which is being generous to me.I had eveything i needed in the begining there was no reason to move out of m apartment when i  realized i was transgender i did though because i thought i wasnt going to have the money to start hrt.I just couldnt get a grip.that $9000 annutity money is gone i gave up my unemployment and was forced to get go back working as a plumber.I look back and say why?I cant believe i did this to myself now i have nothing.To make it even worse i couldnt deal with peoples reactions to me when i went full time for a little while it was ok but i found that since i didnt really look female people didnt understand i couldnt deal so i moved to california thinking that i would have a better time being unpassable but found that it was very much the same.My roomate who is trans got me on this ffs thing which i clearly wanted for some time.I didnt all the footwork to go to mexico i even had the credit to due so through my amex.I was asking god please let this be true.I was about to make the payment when it was denied which i couldnt understand.I had this amount already aproved more than once.What happen was paypal transactions are far less than normal transactions.Obviously i was crushed.It gets better i had talked to another place like mexico satori and sent my pictures in and everything.The guy was really nice and said il will get a quote to you shortly.Me listening to my roomate she was saying its going to be $18000 dollars i believed her and for some reason i didnt get a quote back so i was like you know what its ove ffs is over what i am going to do i bought a car and came back to conneticut were i am from with no home i was planning on returning but my roomate and i had a problem and now i stuck here with this car no ffs.this part is great i decided to see what the hell happened to this guy.I had been calling his office while i was in california were i had moved to it had some weird message like kevin cant and doesnt have access.so home in conneticut i decided to find out what happened i finally got a email saying that he said the quote was sent to me sometime during thanksgiving mind you this was around the time i was dealling with the people from mexico and it was for little less than $13000 the same price as mexico.i had already been aproved prior to buying the car mind you satori does take amex.how does this happen like for real for real its like losing $9000 ok no big deal but this is just i cant belive it.There was no possible way for me to contact this person from satori than like it was nothing he told me.So now i sit here in the dark miserable alone pissed off sad heartbroken completely demoralized having been so close to actually having ffs and it not happening.right after i mexico fell through i started smoking again after 2 and half years and since i have been home i havent cared to much about my life.I have been drinking and smoking pot regularly and i really want to commit suicide because i just cant handle having taken this loss.Im living in a house with a man who is in a wheel chair who is home alot.Since the mexico thing i have been goin backwards in my transition meaning i started dressin in guys clothes been dressing more in guys clothes than my girls clothes.I did try to get into a sober house thats part of aa this guy that i knew i went to him to try and find one didnt really say that i wanted a girls house didnt really care at that point.He knew me a little bit from having come out in AA he said maybe you will feel more comfortable i felt like that was cool but to sum it up quickly i met with the house manager she said i couldnt stay at a girls house because i was still to transitional i was wearing my normal girl clothes.i was so embarrased i didnt ask for this i just asked for a sober house but being embarrased i just said see you later funny this person was in glbt community.I think the biggest issues with me throughout my transition has been my face,my hormones which i think my doctor got it wrong with how he prescibed it,my drugs use obviously.I think what people fail to see in me is a girl due to my face being very male when i take my clothes off i see a girls body and feel more like a girl than ever before.I think even when i wear guys clothes and act like a guy its not like before because i have no testerone its just an act that i put on there nothing real about it like a character in a play that i can create.I dont know what hell im going to do besides go crazy.I would like to just call it quits with my life because i dug myself real deep this time and its so heartbraking tolook at what happened.I still have a little credit left and could sell my car and take a loss but i dont think i have the strength to go through that again but at the same time i dont think i have the stength to back living full time or have the sanity to even live fulltime as a male.Im sorry for writing so much.Im just looking for some help

sry for some of the typos i meant to say i couldnt get a hold of satori after he told me the quote would come back shortly and i did all the footwork for mexico just to add this too i havent seem my endo for december because i had just gotten back so bascially im self medicating taking more than i should because i see transgirls around me getting prescibed a higher dose of estrodean and i felt i was being cheated.Im a real mess right now

I'm not sure how much I understood or what help you need.

One thing that does come through is that you have to start helping yourself. No one gets a free ride in this life in my experience and we tend to get what we work for and try for.

Without appearing hard hearted, which I am not, you have ended up in the position you are in because that is what you worked for.

So to change it around you have to give up the drugs and the booze and get clean. Then you can get some work and get some money to start a life again.

But you have to want to do that.

As usual in life the way forward is in our own hands.

So I would put transition on hold, get clean and start working then you can start transitioning again. But you have to want to do it. It isn't easy.

Hugs and best wishes

Cindy

Hey Sydney

Your story really breaks my heart, partly because I kind of know the feeling, when you realize that you/I'm the only one to blame. I haven't had problems with drugs or alcohol, but been questioning if I've kind of destroyed myself mentally during the past fifteen years, which nothing actually can repair.

Like Cindy said, the only one that really can help you, is you. I know you've probably heard that a thousand times, but it's true and it actually doesn't mean something big immediately. Start from small steps.

Don't think what might have been, concentrate what could be today. Drop drugs and booze, either one at first and then the second one. It most likely will also affect your appearance. Find help and support for those problems, like you've already tried to do, but follow it through. Discuss your hormone prescription with a doctor, I mean if your doctor got the prescription wrong and your hormone levels are too low, it is no wonder that you feel depressed and nothing really "works" so to speak. You do have your labs taken? (Sorry to ask, as I don't know the system there).

You can do it! Hugs!

I quit smoking pot over a year ago and it didnt help the hrt one bit... i never drank much anyways. But i dont think weed rlly has any effect on the HRT.

HRT is just pretty weak i think, for a lot of ppl.. i had next to no effects from the stupid stuff.

I just havent called my endo since i  got back h ome i should of saw him 2 weeks ago.Im going to go back to aa today so  alcahol is gone and so is pot.As for the cigerettes im going to quit tommarro(i quit for 21/2years so shouldnt be too bad).thanks for the responses i got up feeling little better i cleaned my room a lttle better.Im going to go back to lving fulltime because living any other way is not me and isnt really helping.I have already gone though the whole name change and gender change.There are some things i really dont want to do like address changes i have to do it though

Quitting from smoke and alcohol will help you in all aspects of life, not only HRT.

In a worst case scenario, you can always try to do FFS in the future, so don't worry, there's always an exit.

Not to distract from the original topic, but is there any reason to think pot would have any effect on HRT? Or alcohol either for that matter.

Quick version:

Alcohol is bad for the liver, dangerous mix if you are taking hormones in a daily basis.

Pot affect directly the hormones efficiency. That's why it's so dangerous for teenagers.

Quote from: Saffron on January 02, 2013, 10:11:05 AM
Quick version:

Alcohol is bad for the liver, dangerous mix if you are taking hormones in a daily basis.

Pot affect directly the hormones efficiency. That's why it's so dangerous for teenagers.

No contest on alcohol liver toxicity. But I'd love to see a source for the second point though.