I met a man last year. I'm bisexual, but word is out I'm a lesbian, so I get a lot of discrimination in my small town. Neither should matter to anyone because I hardly ever like anyone nor I make  the first moves or date two people at the same time.

But as I was getting to know this guy,who actually works in the field of gender issues,  two suspicions came to my mind, first that he was gay, he admited to having  homosexual fantasies and checks out men, but was specially attentive with me and actually acted like any regular straight guy would act around me if he likes me, eyes sparkling, acting silly and loud, getting really nervous.

Then by putting together everything he said this year and all the lines and scenes he rememebered about movies about transexuals and transgender people and how painfullý he said that transgender people were the ones that had to act and pretend  the most, now  I have the strongest hunch he is a trans person, with a moustache, yes, but still. But somehow he would feel more validated by a lesbian that a bi girl, he also hinted that, because it would mean she accepts him as a woman.

How do I let him know I'd like a relationship with him now and hopefully if he goes with transition, after it as well?  Because I have feelings for him. Sorry about the "him". He works realy hard at being a manly man, sounds a bit off, with a strange delay, like he is well, acting, pretending,

Well, I didn't see you mention that he actually came out as trans. He only made valid observations. Just tell him you'd like to be in a relationship with him. If he tells you that he's trans, then you can tell him that you'd stay with him.

Unless he tells you he's trans, don't let him know that you suspected it, or he'll think you're weird and insulting his masculinity. 

Yeah, you have a good point there. He might feel offended, I might have offended him a couple of times by assuming he was gay too, wonder if he will ever forgive me that, but he is friends with many gay men. I just don't think he is just gay. He is obviously also atracted to women.  I may have already hinted I'd be ok with it  by saying he would make a hot girl (even though he is a big man). I'd like him the way he is as well. He smiles like a girl.

Maybe he will never dare go with it. It's not like I want to date a trans person.I get hit on by them, so that wouldn't be a problem,Ilike this person, I have the strongest suspicion he is a mtf, but maybe it will remain behind closed doors, who knows.

This depends upon you and is just a suggestion.

Say to him, 'I want you now, get your clothes off!'.

Ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen?

Quote from: spacial on January 05, 2013, 02:06:09 PM
Ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen?

He can laugh and say, "Oh, thanks for the laugh. That was a good one," only for you to walk away in shame crying.  (Just saying)


I would just blatantly tell him, though. It's better than thinking "what if?"

Quote from: DianaP on January 05, 2013, 02:40:35 PM
" only for you to walk away in shame crying.  (Just saying)

That's probably how I would react, but wondering if Nadine thinks she could do it?

Because, as you said, if you don't, what if??

Come to think of it, if, in that small town, people are already debating and worst case, the guy yells out something stupid. You could just treat it as a laugh on the whole lot of the. Since that is essentially what it is anyway.

I think the key thing is that you really like this person and would like to have a relationship.  Would any of that change if you found out that he was or was not trans?  If you are truly O.K. with either scenario then the best thing you can do is let him know you are interested in him and then do your best to create a relationship where he feels safe in expressing his desires.  You say you live in a small town with a lot of discrimination and he works really hard at being a manly man...  if he is trans then he probably doesn't have anyone he can trust to share this part of himself.  Even if you start a relationship, it could takes years and possibly a bit of therapy before he is ready to be open about this with you.  But it is worth trying.  Falling in love with someone who loves and accepts who you are is a salvation that many transgender individuals never find.

On the practical end, your opening gambit doesn't need to be "I suspect you're transgender. Would you like to go out?"  Send flowers. Buy dinner. Be protective. Be the pursuer.  Subtly treat her like a woman and relieve her of some of the pressure to act like a man. Romance her as you would a woman and see how she reacts.  This way you can explore the relationship dynamic a bit without ever broaching the topic and if your suspicions were unfounded... well you can chalk it up to just being exceptionally keen on making a go of a new romance.

Whatever the reaction, just be aware that if he is transgender there may be a lot going on underneath the surface.  Fears, anxieties, denial...  if you really love him, or possibly her, please be kind, understanding and patient.  It could be a godsend for you both.