Hi, everyone.  I hate to bother people with my troubles, but it seems they are more than I can handle right now. My wife has moved out as a result of me coming out to her about this time last year.  I still truly love her, but there is no way to make it work with me looking to transition.  This weekend has been so stressful, sad, hopeless, etc.  I'm getting my initial lab work done on Tuesday, but I'm starting to have second thoughts.  Will I ever be accepted as a girl?  Will I ever be pretty enough to have another loving relationship? Will I be alone?  All these thoughts are flooding my mind.  I know that I'll never be truly happy with being a guy, but what if life is much worse after I try to transition.  The idea of living as a woman is so wonderful to me, but can I ever achieve that?  I'm so afraid that I'll make a mistake I can't undo.  I don't want to be an ugly girl.  I don't want to pour my soul into a transition and still get misgendered.  My hair is also a big cause for grief, as it's not what it used to be.  I'm hopeful that continuing finasteride, starting HRT, switching to dutasteride, and getting hair transplants will give me enough to no have to use wigs, but I just don't know.  I just feel like the entire world is crashing around me and there is nobody there to sweetly tell me it's going to be okay.  I'm sorry for ranting.  Thanks for being here, sisters. You are the only constant in my life these days. <3

If your avatar is you, well then I tell you: "you are already a pretty lady," so that gets out the way, major stumbling block

So, what is next? Love, so yeah, I have seen of number of girls in the forum who find a bf or gf and much love.

Because it is getting close for HRT, and the fact that you are feeling lonely and sad, it is natural to want to go back to comfort zone.   However it is time to move forward, always forward.

Even if one was to stay as a male, it does not guarantee that your life would be any happier.

Abby, did I accidentally transfer my thoughts to your head? Please send them back, so you don't have to suffer from those 

Seriously speaking, your thoughts just sound so similar and I'm also in a rather similar situation, just a year behind of you. Came out to my long term gf (almost wife) few months ago and I hope by the next Christmas of being on official HRT.

You definitely look pretty, but of course the hardest critic is the one looking back from the mirror, no escaping from that one.

But I want to believe that there is happiness at the end of this process and I hope you can believe in that too.

Hugs!

Hi Abby,

Trust us when we say you are a good looking woman. Borrow our understanding of yourself, until you can take possession of it. That's what friends are for, particularly this family.

If I may,please. Just alter your present perspective on life back to reality.

Hi, everyone.  I hate to bother people with my troubles, but it seems they are more than I can handle right now
That's what we're here for.
My wife has moved out as a result of me coming out to her about this time last year. 
That is completely understandable and is not your fault. In hindsight it will be the best for you both.
I still truly love her, but there is no way to make it work with me looking to transition. 
That is absolutely true, and is the only best alternative, as time will tell.
Will I ever be accepted as a girl? 
Yes. Definitely.
Will I ever be pretty enough to have another loving relationship?
Absolutely yes. You already are pretty enough.
Will I be alone? 
No. Not when you see the possibilities available to you.
All these thoughts are flooding my mind. 
Change those thoughts immediately. Don't let them take root. They are false and misleading.
I know that I'll never be truly happy with being a guy
So the alternative of being a woman has to be your best choice. Hang on to this one.
but what if life is much worse after I try to transition. 
It won't be. Trust us. We've been where you are, and it only gets better.
The idea of living as a woman is so wonderful to me,
Fabulous. Now you're talking. Keep repeating that like a Mantra until you possess it.
but can I ever achieve that? 
Absolutely. No plausible reason you can't.
I'm so afraid that I'll make a mistake I can't undo.
Not possible if you have a plan. If you haven't got one, get one THIS week.
I don't want to be an ugly girl.
You can't be. Currently you are NOT ugly. And things can only improve from here on.
I don't want to pour my soul into a transition and still get misgendered. 
You won't. We are here as well as your professional support team to point you in the right direction. That's our job. Ask the question, get the answer. Simple.
My hair is also a big cause for grief, as it's not what it used to be. 
Least of your worries at the moment. Talk about it later, at a more appropriate time.
I'm hopeful that continuing finasteride, starting HRT, switching to dutasteride, and getting hair transplants will give me enough to not have to use wigs,
Nothing wrong with wigs on the short term if your hair is playing up. Next please!
I just feel like the entire world is crashing around me and there is nobody there to sweetly tell me it's going to be okay. 
  IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY 
I'm sorry for ranting. 
Nothing to be sorry about. You were just expressing some incorrect thoughts and feelings that weren't true.
Thanks for being here, sisters. You are the only constant in my life these days. <3
Indeed our pleasure. As you'll be here for me, when I fall apart.

Know that you are loved by this family at Susans. Take care and let us know immediately, how you are coping.

Love
Catherine

Hi Abby,
      We always have options, sometimes option number two isn't as perfect but is much less painful in the short run than option number one. You appear to be a good candidate for a complete and total transition but it will be painful because it entails the loss of a loved one, however that pain won't last forever. Sometimes we have to take the long view and just go for it. I'm pretty good at dispensing this kind of advice even though I never fulfilled my own desired destiny due to my extreme age and long term marriage which left me with a WTF attitude until I found peace in an androgynous mode. You need to think and pray your way through this and have some long heartfelt talks with your spouse. Whatever will come of it will manifest itself and your choice will become abundantly clear. My best wishes for you!

Catherine is a font a wisdom

I have a bad history with women. My ex-wife discovered my "hobby", within a year we were divorced. After that I learned to tell serious lovers. Well, my fiancee of 3 years called things off as wedding date pressures mounted. Reason, I wasn't a real man. My current wife, who knew from day one some 30 years ago is so-so.

While my happiness, and survival are important factors, she sure wishes is wasn't happening. If I do decide to go full-time, I fully expect her to split. It is not just the devout pessimist in me talking. I truely believe wives have the worst end of this deal. We spend a lifetime trying to understand it, with no other option than to try to understand. They get it dumped up on them, often at the worst times. As high stress is what makes us finally break down our barriers.

In many ways, it sucks being trans. But what other choice do we have?

Don't expect to pass perfect, just don't expect it. You'll be having a great day then u get called sir by some little...

U look in the mirror and see a woman, take a pic and see a guy.
One night your voice is beautifully femme, the next morning u sound like an old man.

One day your makeup looks flawless, by that evening its settled into fine lines.
You think your breasts have grown, then they appear smaller.

Male to female sucks, its better than suicide.

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on January 06, 2013, 11:48:27 AM
Hi Abby,

Trust us when we say you are a good looking woman. Borrow our understanding of yourself, until you can take possession of it. That's what friends are for, particularly this family.

If I may,please. Just alter your present perspective on life back to reality.

Hi, everyone.  I hate to bother people with my troubles, but it seems they are more than I can handle right now
That's what we're here for.
My wife has moved out as a result of me coming out to her about this time last year. 
That is completely understandable and is not your fault. In hindsight it will be the best for you both.
I still truly love her, but there is no way to make it work with me looking to transition. 
That is absolutely true, and is the only best alternative, as time will tell.
Will I ever be accepted as a girl? 
Yes. Definitely.
Will I ever be pretty enough to have another loving relationship?
Absolutely yes. You already are pretty enough.
Will I be alone? 
No. Not when you see the possibilities available to you.
All these thoughts are flooding my mind. 
Change those thoughts immediately. Don't let them take root. They are false and misleading.
I know that I'll never be truly happy with being a guy
So the alternative of being a woman has to be your best choice. Hang on to this one.
but what if life is much worse after I try to transition. 
It won't be. Trust us. We've been where you are, and it only gets better.
The idea of living as a woman is so wonderful to me,
Fabulous. Now you're talking. Keep repeating that like a Mantra until you possess it.
but can I ever achieve that? 
Absolutely. No plausible reason you can't.
I'm so afraid that I'll make a mistake I can't undo.
Not possible if you have a plan. If you haven't got one, get one THIS week.
I don't want to be an ugly girl.
You can't be. Currently you are NOT ugly. And things can only improve from here on.
I don't want to pour my soul into a transition and still get misgendered. 
You won't. We are here as well as your professional support team to point you in the right direction. That's our job. Ask the question, get the answer. Simple.
My hair is also a big cause for grief, as it's not what it used to be. 
Least of your worries at the moment. Talk about it later, at a more appropriate time.
I'm hopeful that continuing finasteride, starting HRT, switching to dutasteride, and getting hair transplants will give me enough to not have to use wigs,
Nothing wrong with wigs on the short term if your hair is playing up. Next please!
I just feel like the entire world is crashing around me and there is nobody there to sweetly tell me it's going to be okay. 
  IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY 
I'm sorry for ranting. 
Nothing to be sorry about. You were just expressing some incorrect thoughts and feelings that weren't true.
Thanks for being here, sisters. You are the only constant in my life these days. <3
Indeed our pleasure. As you'll be here for me, when I fall apart.

Know that you are loved by this family at Susans. Take care and let us know immediately, how you are coping.

Love
Catherine

Catherine, you an absolute legend! I needed to read those words just as badly, and for exactly the same reasons as Abby. You really cheered me up when I was feeling VERY low ...

OMG!  Thank you all for cheering me up!  <3 I'm feeling a little bit better about things.  You all are so kind to say that I'm pretty!  I still don't quite see it myself, but I hope that changes.  I'm going to get my lab work done tomorrow and hopefully start in on some HRT.  Thank you all for being so kind towards me.  It makes me feel so much better knowing that there are people out there who care about me and will support me when I'm at my lowest!  Thanks!  You girls are the greatest ever!!!!

You are indeed very pretty and feminine, Abby.

You must be going thrue some rough times but it will get better. I would start hrt asap: after you start and the first changes occur, manhood will be the first thing to go, btw, you will know if you want to go forward or paddle back as fast as you can. Personally, after three months of hrt I feel like I don't ever wan to go back to where I was at before: the woman in me has completely taken over. I am whole.

Take good care and feel free to pm me if you want to,
Andrea

There is never a way to go back. Your wife will always know what you are feeling and if she can't take the relationship when you are being honest there is no way she will accept it when you are not being honest.

We grow and we develop and yes life is scary but as Catherine said it get better each step. Iknow her journey and she mine, we see each others past and future and I can assure you that both of our futures are better than our pasts.

No it hasn't been easy, yes there have been tears, yes there has been depression and even thoughts of ending it.

You guys have helped me whenever those times hit and we are now here for you.

The good thing and the bad thing is that you are part of the family, and we look after our family, just as you will as well.

Does it get better? Well I'm now full time, having a great time totally loved by my friends and colleagues in a way I never ever expected.

I'm off depression medication - now that is a positive.

I've dealt with my past memories of rape and abuse and accepted them and dealt with them.

I'm moving forward all the time.

AND:

I'M HAPPY.

Never felt that before.

Hang in girls

You will get there.

Hugs and Love

Cindy

Quote from: Abby J on January 06, 2013, 09:47:59 AM
Hi, everyone.  I hate to bother people with my troubles, but it seems they are more than I can handle right now. My wife has moved out as a result of me coming out to her about this time last year.  I still truly love her, but there is no way to make it work with me looking to transition.

I suspect that the damage has now been done in any case. If you give up, you acknowledge her power over you and you still have unresolved dysphoria. Even then she may decide to cut her loses and leave in case you transition in the future. If she stays she knows she can bring you to heel at any time with the threat of leaving - it worked once so it will work again, but it is poisonous in the long term.

You are in a difficult place at this point but the one thing that is certain is that the dysphoria never goes away. It will always be there so you need to take steps to neutralise it. None of us know how we will turn out so that part is always a gamble, but we seem to manage to deal with the results of HRT much better than staying in our original gender.

Quote from: Noelle on January 07, 2013, 05:15:15 AM
U look in the mirror and see a woman, take a pic and see a guy.

Oh yes - I really do suffer that one. I refuse to have my picture taken now.

Quote from: Noelle on January 07, 2013, 05:15:15 AM
Male to female sucks, its better than suicide.

For me it is never that bleak, but I know what you mean.

Aloha Abby.  I'm sorry things are seeming so bleak right now.  If you are just starting HRT and feeling a bit hopeless you might want to go look at some of the time lapse MTF HRT videos on youtube.  Just look for the "MTF Transition" channel.  Watching these always make me feel more hopeful about the future.

Thanks, girls for soooooo much support! This really has been one of the toughest weeks of my life.  Here's a little update.  My wife moved out this past weekend (along with her little brother, who is a really close friend of mine).  Then, after that, I went to have my initial lab work done on Tuesday.  Immediately after getting done with the lab work, I started to become sick.  Turns out I had gotten the flu and it reared it's ugly head full force the next day!  So, I've been at home nearly all week, staring at the vacant spots where my wife and her brother use to reside, thinking about the outcome of all the labs that had been drawn, feeling miserable from the flu.  Yeah, if I was upset before all this, I definitely was down the majority of this week.  On more than a few occasions, I kept thinking that I'm making some huge, terrible mistakes and will never be happy. I kept beating myself up saying I'm not a girl and never will be, I will never find love, I will always be seen as a freak, no one will ever understand me, etc.  Truly, the only thing that kept me from being 100% depressed & crying constantly were your responses.  Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! <3  I do want to talk about my clinic visit and such, but I think I'll start a new thread for that.

Glad you survived the flu, I'm hoping not to get it as I'm allergic to eggs and can't take the vaccine. We are like an extended International family here with a lot in common, so it's not at all difficult to care a lot about one another. There will be good days hon, hang in there, we're here for you!

I'm making some huge, terrible mistakes and will never be happy
No.  You are on a new journey and it will end in "happily ever after".

I'm not a girl and never will be
You are a girl and always have been

I will never find love
Your love is just waiting for you to find them

I will always be seen as a freak
Maybe that is a good thing.  Not in the negative way, but in the good way.  Like ...



no one will ever understand me
As long as you do the rest of the world will follow.

Sorry you got the flu.  This too shall pass.

Quote from: Abby J on January 06, 2013, 09:47:59 AM
Hi, everyone.  I hate to bother people with my troubles, but it seems they are more than I can handle right now. My wife has moved out as a result of me coming out to her about this time last year.  I still truly love her, but there is no way to make it work with me looking to transition.  This weekend has been so stressful, sad, hopeless, etc.  I'm getting my initial lab work done on Tuesday, but I'm starting to have second thoughts.  Will I ever be accepted as a girl?  Will I ever be pretty enough to have another loving relationship? Will I be alone?  All these thoughts are flooding my mind.  I know that I'll never be truly happy with being a guy, but what if life is much worse after I try to transition.  The idea of living as a woman is so wonderful to me, but can I ever achieve that?  I'm so afraid that I'll make a mistake I can't undo.  I don't want to be an ugly girl.  I don't want to pour my soul into a transition and still get misgendered.  My hair is also a big cause for grief, as it's not what it used to be.  I'm hopeful that continuing finasteride, starting HRT, switching to dutasteride, and getting hair transplants will give me enough to no have to use wigs, but I just don't know.  I just feel like the entire world is crashing around me and there is nobody there to sweetly tell me it's going to be okay.  I'm sorry for ranting.  Thanks for being here, sisters. You are the only constant in my life these days. <3

I can tell what your feeling is completely normal and I felt the exact same when after coming out. I lost my fiance. Felt like I would never pass (still feel that way).  It sounds like you have already admitted to yourself who you are. I don't see how you could bury it now. You have already done one of the hardest parts I believe. Coming out to loved ones is very difficult. I will tell you this though there is no way you will live your life alone I don't see that as possible for any of us. There is billions of people in this world. If you couldn't make a connection with someone I would find that surreal. I think the samething alot of the times so I know how it feels though. You have to stay positive and can't let your worries get to you. Things are going to get better. They will. Keep your chin up girl. You can get threw this we are all standing right behind you.

Hi Abby,

How are you doing today? I hope you have both gotten over the flu and that you are feeling better.

Please, don't be afraid: you will be OK. Janet is right: always move forward. Like we say in German: immer vorne blicken, nie zurück! :-)

You are so pretty and feminine!! If I looked like you I would be oh so happy. Instead I look the way I look (please, look to the left, i.e. at my avatar... :-( nonetheless i keep going and I keep looking forward and after almost four months of hrt, I truly have no regrets, except, of course, being born a guy.

PM me if you need to talk.

Love,
Andrea

Quote from: Abby J on January 06, 2013, 09:47:59 AM
My wife has moved out as a result of me coming out to her about this time last year.  I still truly love her, but there is no way to make it work with me looking to transition.  This weekend has been so stressful, sad, hopeless, etc.

Hi Abby. I'm so sorry, and I really feel for you. I've just lost my partner for the same reason.

As another reply mentioned, I think that SOs get the worst end of this, in that they get the issue lumped on them. And, they have more of a choice about than we do. It sucks plain and simple.