Well, I finally came out to my colleagues over Xmas. My bosses & I decided to do it by writing them a letter which was handed to them before we all left for the holidays, so that they'd have time to react to the news privately. This was necessary because I've worked at the same company for 6 years and I'll be transitioning right under their noses.

It went really well, and so far my colleagues have been really supportive. They're all doing their best to use my new name (any slip-ups seem to be completely innocent) so I suppose it couldn't have gone better.

But now I have a new problem.

I'm a very private person and I don't like other people knowing intimate details about my life. I've spent years putting on a front, pretending to be someone I'm not so that I can fit in, due to the double whammy of being TG and an Aspie. I've become pretty good at doing this, to the extent that I've somehow managed to get by for many years despite my discomfort at being read as female. I suppose it's a pain that I'm used to.

But now that I've come out at work, everyone is now aware of some very personal details of my life and I'm feeling a bit vulnerable & naked. I'm uncomfortable at having other people know so much about me; I'm just not used to letting down my guard. It seems like a new kind of dysphoria caused by other people seeing what's beneath my carefully constructed mask. I'm even having nightmares about wetting myself in front of my colleagues, which just goes to show how insecure and exposed I feel. Does/did anyone else feel this way? It's very odd. I hope it's only temporary.

You could benefit from a change in attitude.

I know a student nurse who is transisioning on the job. If asked for any personal details she simply says, 'You don't ask that sort of thing'. Then leaves it at that.

No expressions.

No emphasis.

Just moves on to the next issue.

If I may, whatever aspie is, it's a mistake to use it or your transgender as an excuse for anything.

You are a contained person because that is who you are. No reasons, no excuses, not justification necessary for anyone, least of all, you.

You don't need to be an illness, a conditon, a label. You are a person with the same rights as anyone else. You give respect to all and expect it in return as a mater of course.

I'm so happy it is going so well for you. 

I know how you feel regarding people knowing too much. It's funny, people here at Susan's know more about me than anyone else, yet only three of you have ever met me in person. Anyway, I like to keep my personal life to myself. I don't let people in, and that is my own doing. I have my reasons, and they are good enough for me. So, when someone asks something that is too personal I give a really long answer that does not actually give them the answer. I then deflect the conversation a different direction.

I really admire your courage!  I tend to be very reserved and careful as
well about letting people I work with know details of my private life,
and I can only imagine what it would be like to have something so big
just "on display" publicly all of a sudden.  So glad to hear they are
being supportive.

Hugs, Julia Erin

It's great that you were able to come out to your fellow co-workers. That in and of itself takes a lot of courage. I myself had a hard time with it when I did so because I did not like people knowing intimate details about my life. I used to be very shy. But then I got more comfortable with myself and felt more secure personally, not necessisarly with those around me but with just me in general. Through this I was able to be more open with people and still feel comfortable and secure inside. I don't know if that made a whole lot of sense, but it just seems that when I reached a certain level of personal security and even acceptance through all stages I'm going through with myself, I was able to be comfortable around people. But it took a while (actually 2 years) and it was a long and hard process. This is all a process after all, and I think we just need to take it one step at a time. I think you are on the right path and with time, you too will feel like your feet have a strong footing.
Best of luck, Alexx

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 08, 2013, 09:33:31 AM
I'm a very private person and I don't like other people knowing intimate details about my life.

...

But now that I've come out at work, everyone is now aware of some very personal details of my life and I'm feeling a bit vulnerable & naked. I'm uncomfortable at having other people know so much about me;

I know how you feel because I feel much the same way, but given the situation how can it be otherwise? You have been there 6 years and that gives you all sorts of job security and protection so it should be a really good place to transition rather than running away to attempt it somewhere new.

All my customers know about me and I am sure that they tell other people who they know I have met - it must be a great bit of gossip to pass around. There is nothing I can do about it, so I grin and bear it. Once my transition is completed I might move on, but not before.

When I came out at work I walked around on the three different teams (we are four "teams", I had informed my own earlier) and told them. I found this easier, as it would be a handful of people on each team, whom I had worked close with at some point during my time there.  Shortly after that I did a shorter version in a staff meeting to make sure those outside of those teams also were informed. Personally I found this easier than a letter. I kept it brief and to the point and very matter-of-factly. Not sure why, but the thought of doing it through a letter freaks me out. I think I'm just weird like that. XD I told them shortly before the summer holidays, so that when we returned they'd know to switch name and pronouns and had time to get used to the idea.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 08, 2013, 09:33:31 AM
But now I have a new problem.

I'm a very private person and I don't like other people knowing intimate details about my life. I've spent years putting on a front, pretending to be someone I'm not so that I can fit in, due to the double whammy of being TG and an Aspie. I've become pretty good at doing this, to the extent that I've somehow managed to get by for many years despite my discomfort at being read as female. I suppose it's a pain that I'm used to.

But now that I've come out at work, everyone is now aware of some very personal details of my life and I'm feeling a bit vulnerable & naked. I'm uncomfortable at having other people know so much about me; I'm just not used to letting down my guard. It seems like a new kind of dysphoria caused by other people seeing what's beneath my carefully constructed mask. I'm even having nightmares about wetting myself in front of my colleagues, which just goes to show how insecure and exposed I feel. Does/did anyone else feel this way? It's very odd. I hope it's only temporary.

Oh I SO know the feeling. Even if everyone was being nice and polite and seemingly ok with it, that whole "loss of privacy"-thing made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm also an extremely private person and this was like showing up for work in my undies or something. ._.  It eventually passed though. Now, I've almost forgotten all about it, really.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. It's reassuring to hear that others have been through this and that it will eventually pass.

I suppose there's going to be some general 'weirdness' for as long as I stay at this company, but hopefully that'll lessen when I move on to the next place. Sadly I work in a very incestuous industry so wherever I go I will bump into people who knew me before. I actually turned down a couple of job offers last year because I felt uncomfortable about transitioning in a new place. Really, this is the best place for me to do it.

Quote from: spacial on January 08, 2013, 10:25:09 AM
If I may, whatever aspie is, it's a mistake to use it or your transgender as an excuse for anything.

'Aspie' is an informal term to describe someone with Asperger Syndrome. This means that I'm on the autistic spectrum so every day is an uphill struggle for me. If you're autistic, trying to interact with people can be like trying to run with both your legs tied together. And just like being TG, the reason why it is so difficult is not because of some failure on my part... it's due to societal pressure to conform with their narrow idea of 'normal'.

I'm just uncomfortable with other people knowing stuff about me when I'm used to flying under everyone's radar.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 09, 2013, 09:54:10 AM

'Aspie' is an informal term to describe someone with Asperger Syndrome. This means that I'm on the autistic spectrum so every day is an uphill struggle for me. If you're autistic, trying to interact with people can be like trying to run with both your legs tied together. And just like being TG, the reason why it is so difficult is not because of some failure on my part... it's due to societal pressure to conform with their narrow idea of 'normal'.

I'm just uncomfortable with other people knowing stuff about me when I'm used to flying under everyone's radar.

I understand, I didn't mean to appear flippant nor in any way, unsympathetic.

The point I'm trying to make though is, you are who you are. You have a right to be who you are, the same right as the President of the US, the Queen of England and some guy who sits at the corner of whatever, drinking cheap wine.

You don't need to find reasons. To yourself nor anyone else. You are a perfect person, simply because you exist.

Now, you feel more comfortable palying your life cards close to your chest. That's called personality. We all have one and it's just a load of our own preferences.

OK, so, you be who you want to be. If others don't like it they can grow up.

Quote from: John Smith on January 08, 2013, 12:12:27 PM
When I came out at work I walked around on the three different teams (we are four "teams", I had informed my own earlier) and told them.

We did this when I disclosed my Asperger's diagnosis to my colleagues. We're a pretty small company (around 20 staff) so it was easy to do - but for the TG disclosure the Directors thought it would be better for people to react to the news in private. I think they were terrified that someone might blurt out something offensive and the company would be at the receiving end of a discrimination suit.

Quote from: John Smith on January 08, 2013, 12:12:27 PM
Oh I SO know the feeling. Even if everyone was being nice and polite and seemingly ok with it, that whole "loss of privacy"-thing made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm also an extremely private person and this was like showing up for work in my undies or something. ._.  It eventually passed though. Now, I've almost forgotten all about it, really.

Urgh, that's exactly where I am right now. Even though my colleagues are being wonderful, I feel a bit like 'Exhibit A', in that whenever I walk into a room everyone's thinking "Ooh, look - here comes the ->-bleeped-<-!". Sheesh. I hope the novelty wears off soon because it's getting tiresome.

BTW, I presume 'John Smith' is a pseudonym you use for this forum. I have a friend whose actual, given name is John Smith - and he tells me it causes hassles for him when he has to travel on business. He rocks up at the hotel; they ask for his name; he says 'John Smith'; they roll their eyes and go 'yeah, right - like I haven't heard that one before'. He's spent many an hour in hotel receptions trying to convince them that his passport isn't a forgery.

Quote from: spacial on January 09, 2013, 10:03:53 AM
You are a perfect person, simply because you exist.

Thanks Jill! I want that on a T-Shirt.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 09, 2013, 10:05:41 AM
We did this when I disclosed my Asperger's diagnosis to my colleagues. We're a pretty small company (around 20 staff) so it was easy to do - but for the TG disclosure the Directors thought it would be better for people to react to the news in private. I think they were terrified that someone might blurt out something offensive and the company would be at the receiving end of a discrimination suit.

Fortunately that was never a concern here. For some reason I felt more in control of the situation doing it like that (even if I was nervous as hell), especially since whatever reactions they would have to the news they could discuss amongst themselves in the full team as I left the room rather than pondering it by themselves/talking outside of work.

Quote
BTW, I presume 'John Smith' is a pseudonym you use for this forum. I have a friend whose actual, given name is John Smith - and he tells me it causes hassles for him when he has to travel on business. He rocks up at the hotel; they ask for his name; he says 'John Smith'; they roll their eyes and go 'yeah, right - like I haven't heard that one before'. He's spent many an hour in hotel receptions trying to convince them that his passport isn't a forgery.

Nono, I'm really John Smith. Why I must be, I'm quite certain I only have one heart.



(Your friend should just sigh and say "Ok fine, you got me. I'm The Doctor".)