I haven't had bottom surgery yet but i plan on having it ASAP. I'm in a relationship right now but this is merely a theoretical question.
So post op (phalloplasty with erectile device and scrotoplasty) would it be possible to have random hook ups/one night stands without disclosing? Would it be impossible to do so because you have to pump the erectile device? Could you do that discretely?

Also, in your opinion would it be wrong to have sex with someone without disclosing? Like just a one night stand with someone you probably will never see again. I know its a personal choice but i'm just curious what you guys think.

I would say that it's possible to do this without surgery (depending on circumstances). Morally I don't think I'd be able to not-disclose to somebody I'm going to have sex with but if you don't want to tell them, you don't have to.

I think it would be a possibility in the dark with some music on if the pump makes noise (I've yet to see a phallo that looks natural...with the veins and everything) but I don't think you would ejaculate so that could raise a question.

Morally I couldn't have sex with someone and them not know. If I had sex with a MTF I would want to know prior and I'm trans. Also, I'd be so worried about them figuring it out that the experience wouldn't even be enjoyable if I didn't disclose.

Leslie Feinberg's character in Stone Butch Blues, supposedly had sex with a strap on and the person didn't know if. Though that's fiction, it could have been based in reality. Who knows? Doesn't seem likely. Don't you have to pump it up first?

Morality, not going to answer that one.

--Jay

absolutely possible. Morally (insert eye role here) its your choice. I have hooked up post phallo without disclosing and had zero issues. Just what the heck am i supposed to disclose? And why does it matter to the other person? The girls i have sex with are interested in sex, not my life story. i usually mention that I like to wear a cock sleeve and thats it. If she pressed for answers as to why, i would either explain vaguely or tell her id rather not talk about. I dont have an std, my phallo is not contagious, so no reason for me to explain, she wants a cock in her, I have a cock to put in her. End of story.  Why should i disclose? So she can reject me based on her perception of my gender? So she can feel pious for sleeping with me? So she can brag to her friends? lol no thanks.  I guess if i considered myself anything other than a male, i might feel that i have something to disclose. Since i am stealth, no one is going to pull her aside and say omg! you slept with a ->-bleeped-<-.   

As far as my performance, i dont sleep with girls who are in the habit of being ejaculated in. So a simple pull out at the right time is enough for them. Or a condom and then its fine to bust a nut inside.

Quote from: chuck on January 15, 2013, 06:11:47 AM
she wants a cock in her, I have a cock to put in her. End of story.  Why should i disclose?

Best thing I've ever read on here XD

Chuck - great view there!

Personally for me, if it was just a one night stand, I wouldnt disclose. The only time I ever, and unwillingly so, tell people about transition, is if for necessary medical reasons, and when I was starting a relationship with my now ex. Other than that, Im stealth as I, like Chuck, only see myself as male and wouldnt want someone judging me on something I had no control over.
    Now, I havent gotten to the point yet where I could go out and have sex with whatever girl, as I havent had the "glans" work done yet, so while I feel my penis looks good, it probably wouldnt pass yet :p
But if I found myself in a situation where I wanted to just hook up with a girl, I dont think Id feel bad not telling her. The way I see it, I spent my teen years knowing who I was, but being so severely depressed that I was unable to be me, that I hardly lived. I saw many of my friends going out and pulling girls. And while thats something some people would disagree with, and its not something I see as needing to do to feel like a guy thats lived a full life, I wouldnt rule it out as some fun that I feel Ive been denied so far. I would never disrespect anyone or treat them badly, so since Im single now, I could see the attraction to do this without disclosing.

Chuck's view is very interesting and shows a great deal of self-confidence. Not to mention a kick-ass transition.

It sounds like he's talking about casual hook-ups rather than long-term relationships, so I can appreciate his position.

However, my concern would be about what would happen if the relationship ever gets serious. A lot of people are very rigid in their sexuality and don't really understand what being trans is about, no matter how much you explain it to them. So what happens if they see themselves as (say) entirely heterosexual and they can't reconcile in their minds the fact that someone who was born physically female has actually always been a guy? Some people just can't grasp that concept. If you didn't disclose to them and they later find out, they may feel hurt, betrayed or violated. They might feel they have been deceived into sleeping with someone they consider to be outside their sexuality. Some people have described this as feeling almost like they've been raped. This doesn't just apply to long-term relationships: a one-night stand could potentially feel the same way.

As much as some of us may disagree with such views, people can and do hold them, and they're entitled to respect for their person just as much as we're entitled to respect for ours.

So I'm a believer in disclosure, reasonably early into the relationship (i.e. at the point where you think it might get serious).

I think this has to be an individual call. Many of us (people in general) feel that integrity and disclosure is necessary to intimacy, but the question was posed in terms of casual hook-ups, and I'm not one to judge what works for anyone else but myself. Casual hook-ups are a fact of life.

One practical point, there are cismales who have such implants, and even have phalloplasty -- think industrial accidents, or other genetic conditions. Being a transman is not the only reason one might have had phalloplasty and implants. And some people are just naive or squeamish about looking at things during lovemaking. They're not the kind of people I'm attracted to, but they do exist. There are still those (especially among body-conscious women) who can only be physically intimate in the dark, or in very low light. Those people might not notice and might no ask, or want to know any of the details.

Personally, I want to be with someone who is talkative and curious and open-minded about their sexuality, so total stealth is (and never really was) an option for me. But that's just me -- I also avoided just about every opportunity offered me for a casual hook-up, so my personal bias is irrelevant to the question itself.

I agree with Chuck. I wouldn't disclose. The only reason I would tell a woman about my past or whatever is if I was about to marry her. I feel like telling them would just ruin everything and that they would view me differently. It is a personal preference but I wouldn't tell a girl.

Casual sex is a different ballgame than relationship land. If you're just pulling a one-nighter with someone I don't think it matters at all.

Quote from: chuck on January 15, 2013, 06:11:47 AM
I dont have an std, my phallo is not contagious, so no reason for me to explain, she wants a cock in her, I have a cock to put in her. End of story.  Why should i disclose?

I think you're my hero. Thank you for saying this.

I believe that disclosure is entirely up to the individual. I want to live 100% stealth. Thus, I don't want to disclose to anyone - be it a casual hookup, a date, or perhaps a long-term partner*. It's not something I want to share with anyone. Transitioning has been good for me overall, but it's also painful to be associated with the trans label. I just want to live as normal a life as I can without people being up in my business about what I may or may not have been when I was born.

If someone wants to disclose, then I think that's their business. It's their choice to make, and if they feel better telling the person they're about to bang about it, then I don't see the problem.

*Granted, 'long term' for me means a few months or a little more. I don't like dating, I don't like relationships that are long lasting. It's just how I feel at the moment, so that may change in the future.

I wouldn't have a one nighter with someone because I'm pretty much demisexual and that wouldn't interest me at all, but hypothetically if I was to I wouldn't disclose. If I can satisfy them, and they can satisfy me then neither of us needs the stress of trans issues coming into play. And if things turned sour afterwards and I was living stealth I'd not want them outing me out of spite.
If I thought it might become something more I would disclose though, and would never do it with someone who I thought would be transphobic in any way.

Thanks for the responses guys. I felt totally alone in not wanting to disclose before casual sex. I figured that was a big no-no and kind of felt bad about it. Im glad im not the only one.

Quote from: mangoslayer on January 15, 2013, 02:49:00 PM
Thanks for the responses guys. I felt totally alone in not wanting to disclose before casual sex. I figured that was a big no-no and kind of felt bad about it. Im glad im not the only one.

Why would it be a big "no-no"?

Quote from: JasonRX on January 15, 2013, 07:52:49 PM
Why would it be a big "no-no"?

Well pretty much all of the interaction i have with other transsexuals is on here and at a support group in my area. Out of the ~10 people who go to the group, there's only one person besides me who is stealth. He also happens to be asexual. So i'm the only one there who would even want to have sex without disclosing, and the vibe i get from them is that they think people have the right to know if theyre sleeping with someone who is transsexual.

Do what you want to do. What you see here and hear in your group is just opinions. If you have no problems with it then that is something you should pursue (if you are so inclined to).

Quote from: mangoslayer on January 16, 2013, 02:34:50 PM
Well pretty much all of the interaction i have with other transsexuals is on here and at a support group in my area. Out of the ~10 people who go to the group, there's only one person besides me who is stealth. He also happens to be asexual. So i'm the only one there who would even want to have sex without disclosing, and the vibe i get from them is that they think people have the right to know if theyre sleeping with someone who is transsexual.

This is a fairly common opinion. But it is just an opinion. I would even hazard the observation that it might reflect some small degree of internalized transphobia on our parts, for those of us who feel we ought to feel this way. At the very least, it's good to hear different viewpoints, and open things like this up to more reflection and discussion.

I truly respect the integrity of what's been expressed on this. It has made me rethink some of my own prejudices.

My meta passed a physical exam with a physician (visual and manual exam, turn your head and cough exam).  There are guys out there with micro penises.  If I were into hookups I wouldn't disclose.  I did disclose to my partner though, but he said if I didn't tell him he wouldn't have guessed.

sneakersjay, diding the dr check your testicles and ask why what they were?