I hate myself and i want to die ah how many times those words have been uttered in human existence. While watching a movie (or i my case listening to a movie) i was surfing the net on my iPad and stumbled on this mainly gay but basically LGBT website that talks about LGBT sucsess and homophobia/transphobia.

I spent nearly three hours on that website reading about how the world hates gays and for those who acknowledge trans existence, hates us too.

I hate myself (always have really) and i want to die, i feel like getting a sharp knife and slitting my throat but probably easier and less painful to just shoot myself.

I have no friends, no understanding of this world, no understanding of society, as a transgirl i'm lucky to have a mother that didn't disown me and supports me fully, my father disowned me (not because i'm transgender, he was accepting of that, he just hates the fact that i have manic depression).

BACK to the website, just wow it's 2013 and somehow reading an excerpt of Bill O' Reily making fun of a transgender girl in prison in no short terms as to say she's (or as he said it "he") is ->-bleeped-<-ing ugly.

Now as i have said i have no understanding of the world or society/american media outside of hollywood. I don't know how seriously people take fox news and this piece of sh*t. What i found funny was didn't this a**hole support that trans Miss Canada thing?!?!

Then i read on and the pope is sending out hate messages on gay (probably doesn't know what a transgender is but i would bet he would hate it before you can tell him what it is) on christmas and world peace day, what kind of ->-bleeped-<-ing world is this?!?!?!?, now this ->-bleeped-<-er i know people take seriously. I had a sarcastic comment but i don't know if it will come out the wrong way so the hell with it.

I have no life, no friends, no money, no point to live really. The thing that's probably kept me alive this long is because i don't want to die a "->-bleeped-<-", i want to at least die with the dignity of being a woman. Not saying that Non-ops are not women but just that i want to die with a rebel yell with a "F" on the gender marker on my death certificate.

With my manic depression, i think about things like that...so much that it's almost hilarious.

This was just a rant, i know nobody cares about me or what i have to say so i'll just leave a little piece of me on Susan's to prove i existed.

God i hate myself. OH and just so i can rant a little more i'm already regretting this post but it's 4:22 am in the morning in SF and i can't sleep thinking about all this crap. Recap i think god and everyone in the world hates me but the truth is everyone in the world doesn't know me and the ones that do hate me....not very inspiring heh? don't know about god.

Oh how I want to cry just as reading your post
Try to find some friendly trans girl at your age live near you and make a hug, I never feel something like it before, you can share that indescribable feeling with someone who knows, that is far from what any cis can ever understand

Hi Honey,

Well it's a New Year. How about facing the year with a new outlook than the same one you have been carrying around? You know that you posted pretty regularly the same stuff in 2012, and don't seem very interested in anything except being miserable no matter what we say, so how about a different tack?

You are in SF now, how about telling us what the new place is like? Hey?

Hugs

Cindy

Quote from: Cindy James on January 15, 2013, 07:04:06 AM
Hi Honey,

Well it's a New Year. How about facing the year with a new outlook than the same one you have been carrying around? You know that you posted pretty regularly the same stuff in 2012, and don't seem very interested in anything except being miserable no matter what we say, so how about a different tack?

You are in SF now, how about telling us what the new place is like? Hey?

Hugs

Cindy

Are you mad at me? i'm just very sad, i'm hurt....it's not that easy to just take a new outlook plus in the past i said i felt depressed because of the way i look. I feel like you're being kinda harsh, you make it seem like i'm wasting your precious time wih my thread, i just had a very bad day and wanted to let my feelings out.

Hi Donna.


I saw your post and just wanted to say that you are not alone. It might mean nothing to you but I feel pretty much the same things as you do.


I also have no friends, no life no nothing.


Well ok I have my family but they dont even know me, they just know and like the guy I pretended to be for so many years.


Just like you I am still alive just because I want to live and be seen as a woman.. I dont want to die as a man.


Its a hard fight but you have made it so far. Be proud *Hugs*

Donna, this community has a scary rate of suicide, you know that. Many of our friends have ended their lives without ever reaching out for help. You are asking for that help. We are here for you as friends, but that doesn't qualify us to give you the help you need, as Arch explains in the post I have quoted below. Please seek help, regularly feeling suicidal is a danger sign. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Arch on December 21, 2011, 07:58:15 PM
If you are feeling suicidal and need help, please remember that the members at Susan's are not trained for such an emergency. A suicide hotline can save your life.

The information below is accurate to the best of my knowledge; do notify me if you find a mistake. These resources are offered in the spirit of community. Neither Susan's nor any of its members shall be held responsible for any errors.

If you call one of the numbers and it does not work, please get the help you need from another hotline or your country's emergency number (in the U.S. and Canada, call 911; in the U.K., call 999 or 112; in Australia, call 000; in the E.U., call 112).


United States

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
English: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Spanish: 1-888-628-9454
For anyone who is suicidal.
Toll-free and available 24/7.
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889)

The Trevor Project
1-866-4-U-TREVOR (1-866-488-7386)
For LGBTQ youth (minors and young adults).
Toll-free and available 24/7.

Kristin Brooks Hope Center
English: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
Spanish: 1-800-SUICIDA (1-800-784-2432)
For anyone who is suicidal.
Toll-free and available 24/7.

National Youth Crisis Hotline
1-800-442-HOPE (1-800-442-4673)
Toll-free and available 24/7.


United Kingdom and Ireland

Samaritans
UK: 08457 90 90 90
ROI: 1850 60 90 90
For anyone who is suicidal.
There may be a toll for these numbers, but they are available 24/7.


Canada

National Suicide Prevention Hotline (U.S.-based but available in Canada)
English: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Spanish: 1-888-628-9454
For anyone who is suicidal.
Toll-free and available 24/7.
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889)

Ontario
Distress Centres Ontario maintains a list of distress lines by region. Go to http://www.dcontario.org/centres.html. These numbers appear to be toll-free if you call from inside the designated area.

Québec—Montréal (Suicide Action Montréal)
514-723-4000
Toll-free if you call from the same zone; available 24/7.

Québec—Outside Montréal (Suicide Action Montréal)
1-866-277-3553 (1-800-APPELLE)
Toll-free and available 24/7.

New Brunswick (CHIMO Helpline)
1-800-667-5005
Toll-free provincial helpline is available 24/7.

Alberta (Distress Line of Southwestern Alberta)
403-327-7905
Toll-free if you are in the same zone; 24/7.


Australia

Lifeline
13 11 14
Charged as a local call; toll-free for mobile phones; available 24/7.

Samaritans
1-800-198 -313
Toll-free but may not be available 24/7.
08-9381-5555
Available 24/7 but may not be free.

Suicide Call Back Service
1300-659-467
Charged as a local call; available 24/7.


International

Go to www.befrienders.org and choose "International." A drop-down menu allows you to choose your country and find a helpline. In the United States, you get a further drop-down menu that allows you to choose by state.

Or go to http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html and scroll down until you find your country's link.

Donna,

I care. (I know I've told you that before, but I'm willing to repeat it).

Please stay off Internet hate sites. There are 7 billion people in the world, so given anything good or beautiful, you're going to find one of those 7 bill crazy enough to hate it and to post on the Internet how much they hate it. That doesn't mean the world hates us. There is a lot of love in the world, but you're not going to find it watching Bill O'Reilly.

Please try to find ways to bring joy into the world. You are a valuable and beautiful human being (I know I've told you that before, too. If you keep asking the same questions, you'll keep getting the same answers.) but it may be that you need to see joy in the people around you to stay in touch with that fact.

Look for ways to get involved in your new community. Is there a club, place of worship, or volunteer opportunity you can be involved with? Most newspapers have a section for volunteer advertisements. Can you resolve to pick one and start volunteering?

1. Find ways to be around people.
2. Find ways to bring joy to those people. Ask them about their lives and listen to what they tell you. Compliment their choices. Become involved. You have so much to give, find ways to give it.

And realize we'll always, always care. I personally don't always reply to your posts because I usually don't have anything new to say, but I always read them and I always hope you're doing well.

In my last response to you, I did ask whether you were able to get any kind of therapy started in SF. Have you been able to make this happen?

i would say, rather then spending your entire night reading stories of people hating lgbt people, read uplifting stories of lgbt praises.

Anyone can look up bad stuff on every topic....on the same token, the good stuff is just as easily out there to read.

You need to not let the haters get you down.

Screw those people.

People like that are just losers that like to tear people down and as far as any schmucks in the media are concerned they are doing it for ratings. Why let them get to you? Those people suck and are not worth the frustration, depression and tears.

The hell with them.

You also need to work on being down on yourself as far as how you look. My god, you look great! I wish I looked half as good as you do.

Bill o and the rest of the fox news crew are a joke outside of (and even to an extent inside of) America, a loud often troubling joke, but a joke none the less.

I can see you have developed a rather negative view of life for yourself living as a trans person, and I don't fault you for doing so, I don't know what you have been through after all, but please don't continue to surround yourself with only the negative and the horrible side of life. They may fit and confirm how you feel but they are only one part of it, there are good things happening and they are worth your attention, just for example, America just re-elected a president who is now in favour of gay marriage. That would have been unthinkable only a decade ago.

Please don't do anything stupid, seek counselling if need be or talk to your mother about all this, you said she supports you right.

Ohhh...  I have friends, plural, that suffer with manic depressive disorder and oh my gosh does the tenor of your post remind me of things I have heard soooo many times.  So, I really feel above all else that this is your condition talking, not you.  I am curious if you have been getting any kind of treatment at all?  Have you been on meds or anything?  If so, has it helped at all?

One insidious aspect of the condition you have is that it periodically will try to make you do something you would only ever regret, like it is tonight.  The only thing I know to say is that you just need to hold on and get through this moment, because when you get back to your normal baseline self you'll be so relieved that you did.

The other insidious thing about being bipolar is these depressive stages keep coming back with a vengeance, especially if left untreated, and they just tear stuff apart.  I am the type of person that when her friends are going through something I want to be there for them, give them hugs and say whatever I can to help them get through it.  With my friends that have this same condition, I get so worn down by their depressive episodes.  Like I feel like I've said everything I can possibly say to help without repeating myself and yet it never seems to do any permanent good.  And it's like, duh, words or support won't fix this condition.  Medication can definitely mitigate the troubles, but gosh when one of my friends isn't taking care of herself and is off meds, it gets to be too much.

It gets harder and harder for me to reach out each time she cycles through and it makes me feel so terrible.  I see myself pulling away a little bit, a lot out of self-preservation honestly, I am a pretty empathetic person and I just take other peoples emotions on as my own too easily and I get dragged down every time.  But then, when I kind of stay distant while they go through hell I feel like I'm the worst friend in the world.  I love them every bit as much as ever, I just feel I've run out of things to say, also I just feel eroded.  I'm sure you feel your own acquaintances doing this to you sometimes.  People seeming to turn against you, or who seem to stop caring.  I want to tell you this isn't true, we do still care.  Always.  And everybody that makes you feel that way is very sorry and will be there again for you another time.

So, please get help if you haven't been.  You can't like "overcome" this on your own.  If you have been getting that help and this is just one of those episodes that got through, just hang on and get through it.  Stay away from depressing reading.  If you need somebody to talk to, PM me.

Hi Donna,

Sorry to hear you're having a bad time right now.  Here are some links to SF and bay area resources which could be of help.

http://lyric.org/

http://www.transthrive.org/

http://www.genderspectrum.org/

http://www.defrankcenter.org/

http://www.bayareayouthsummit.org/

Hugs,
Ani

Donna,
You just moved to US, right? Maybe you just had a bit of a culture shock? I had that too when I first moved to Chicago from Thailand. It's only temporary and you'll adjust to new culture in no time. Why would you watch Fox News and not  E! Red Carpet Report or things like that??? Try to be more positive you'll have a lot of friends. You are still young and beautiful, many girls would wanna hang out with you. I'd jump up and down if I live in SF right now. You are a lot luckier than you think. You know how many people would die to immigrate to US? Don't be too hard on yourself and good luck.