I wish i was more like some of you. I wish i could just brush off what people say and do and  not have it bother me. But i cant.

Everyone of you that showed me so much love and attention while i was in thialand i will never forget and be thankful for, for

the rest of my life. The depression is getting so overwhelming the last few months that i am so scared i am going to hurt

myself if i dont recieve help soon. I will be gone from susans for awhile. Tommorow morning i will check into the hospital and

hopefully they can help me. I am so obbessed with passing and the fact that i never will that my life has become 1000's times

worse then anything i could ever have imagined. I am so scared to walk into public because i know that everyone is staring at

me and everytime someone laughs or whispers to someone else it is about me. Today i was in the mall keeping to myself and

a young girl maybe 8 was laughing and talking to her friends i know now it was not about me i know this for a fact. but i

snapped and started screaming and crying and yelling at her. I almost got arrested. I realize now what my life has become.

I just hope i am able to get the help i need. I would rather die then live my life like this. thank you all for all the support

and i hope i am not letting you down too.

Mandy

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.  You are not alone in them.

Tell me, were you full time for long before SRS?

Mandy, Dear.  It is not that hard to brush off those comments.  I have learned to not look for them.  If they happen I am not aware of them.

Talk to your therapist, Sis.  And if you don't have one, get one.  And by all means stay here.  The world is a lot more interesting with you in it.

Love You, Sis.

Mandy, I really hope that you get the help you need. You deserve to be happy. Please try to keep going, you are valued and cared for by more people than you know.

Mandy sweetheart,
I am so sorry to hear you have been going through all of that - I know how torturesome our own thoughts can be, and what we project onto the thoughts of others.
I was reading your post and holding my hand on my chest, and my wife saw me and asked what was the matter, and I said that my friend Mandy was hurting really bad and going to check herself in to get some help, that she couldn't help feeling like she didn't pass and that others wouldn't accept her for the woman she is.
Anette came over and looked at your picture and said, oh my god! she looks exactly like my friend Katrina! (that is her ciswoman friend who she adores, and more than once has told me how beautiful she thinks she is).
I am glad you care enough about yourself, Mandy, to seek help. I know how scary that can be.
You aren't a failure for having these problems, you are a courageous success for acknowledging them and seeking help. I hope you feel a lot better soon, and get some healing in your life.
You are a beautiful woman, in body and soul, and you deserve to be able to see that like the rest of us already do in you.
*HUGS*
Maddie

Oh Mandy...*hugs*

I think you're doing a good thing. You're going to find a safe place, where you can discuss your perspective and learn how to cope...listen, and hear, what they're telling you.

Bring a teddy bear.

*hugs*

--Beth

Quote from: mandyh92 on December 13, 2012, 09:50:00 PM
I am so obbessed with passing and the fact that i never will that my life has become 1000's times

worse then anything i could ever have imagined. I am so scared to walk into public because i know that everyone is staring at
. I realize now what my life has become.


Mandy

Post op blues...you weren't very well prepared pre op and you're not well prepared post op..having had SRS doesn't make you automatically a woman in other people's eyes and not in your own eyes... which, once you realise...can cause severe psychological stress.

Hope you'll find a very, very, very good therapist who can help you accepting your situation as it is.


On the other hand: you look way much better in your avatar. Your new hairstyle makes you actually passable.

You lokk really good to me,remember they are the ones with a problem not you! Good luck

Mandy it is about time you focus. Look ahead not sideways not anywhere but the future.

Who gives a toss what other people think?

Who gives a damn what a child thinks.

Who is important?

YOU.

Live your life for YOU.

Forget them. Forget everyone, be self centred. When you accept you then is the time to think of others. Until then they don't matter.

And you look great!!!!!!!!

Cindy

Big hug! Getting help is a great idea, that's why the doctors and therapists are there. Best wishes to you, hon, and get back here as soon as you can! Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Cindy James on December 14, 2012, 06:57:25 AM
Mandy it is about time you focus. Look ahead not sideways not anywhere but the future.

Who gives a toss what other people think?

Who gives a damn what a child thinks.

Who is important?

YOU.

Live your life for YOU.

Forget them. Forget everyone, be self centred. When you accept you then is the time to think of others. Until then they don't matter.

And you look great!!!!!!!!

Cindy

Cindy is right. Listen to Cindy.

Mandy, you're in my thoughts. I hope you find the support you need.

It was a hard few weeks (almost 4) but i am back. allthough i spent a considerable amount of time away i still have my

doubts. The decision i made for my life is permanant and there is no turning back ever. Allthough i am still scared on every

public outing, i am beginning to learn to ignore the snide comments and remarks. Living in southern indiana is not the most

trans friendly place to be. Part of my plan should have been to move and start over fresh in a more progressive city. But

seeing as how my son is 21 and recently divorced and living at home with me i could not do that to him especially with no

hope of substantial income in another city. While in hs i was able to see a DR that will help me with my FFS and BA i was able

to come to a payment arrangement and will have the surgery on March 21st. Though this is a token jesture and should not

make a difference in how i percieve myself, I and my therapist both agreeded that this surgery might help boost my

confidence just slightly on the precipise that i seem to be stuck on. Dahila you were right about not being properly prepared. I

convinced myself repeatadly that i was 100% passable and ignored all looks and comments in my joy of finally being me. As i

look back now i know i never was. I had a goal of SRS and that was a motivator for my happiness and once the SRS was

completed reality sank in. But now i am coming full circle and do believe in time albeit slowly i will finally be the woman god

meant me to be.

Thank you all,

Mandy

So happy to have you back Mandy and to know that you are doing better. It takes courage to face when our coping isnt cutting it and to get help with the stuff going on inside. But it is worth it. *HUGS*

I'm so glad you're doing better, Mandy.

Keep your chin up, it helps the rest of us to see your beautiful eyes!

  <--smile just for you!

happy your back girl. I hope things keep improving for you.

Good to see you back

Even though we've never met, I'm glad to hear you are feeling better based on your first post. I hope things will continue to get better and better for you.