One of my friends who I wouldn't expect to be trans, came out to me and in their words said "I want to be a woman". They have had a female alias they go by. Now, this person has suffered damage to the head from an accident, but they had this alias since before the incident. They grew up being taught there are two genders and two sexes and that they were connected, which of course isn't true but that's how this person was "taught". Sex ed even in a more liberal state didn't help either, and insisted on the "only two genders" line of thinking. So their line of thinking is "I'm a man, now but I want to become a woman". They also see me as "a woman that wants to become a man". I honestly don't know if they have the wherewithall to understand the bunk behind this reasoning and that being born with the wrong plumbing doesn't make us "not a real man/woman". They don't have a problem using their birth name or male gender pronouns. But they have mentioned getting SRS if they could afford it, and again, "wanting to be a woman".

Now, the wife is very straight, only attracted to cis males. This person is also "special needs" mentally and literally cannot grasp the concept of being trans. To them, if you were born with a penis, you are male, born with a vagina, female. They grew up with VERY homophobic and transphobic parents who told them these things are sins and send people directly to hell, that it's a degrading, horrible thing to be gay or trans. Ugh. So the partner just repeats what she was told by the parents.

My question is, how can I be supportive of this person without causing them all kinds of chaos and relationship problems? I don't know if I could ever get the partner to grasp the concept, let alone make them ok with it. The wife knew about her husband having a female alias and wearing women's clothing before marrying him, but insisted on marrying because that's what you do after you've been together for awhile, in her words. Now she's angry and saying "I didn't marry a woman, I married a man!" I don't want to cause more problems for this person, but they need information and support.

The problems are already there. What only the spouse can decide is whether she loves her partner and is willing to come to grips with seeing her more fully. It really sounds kind of toxic, but I'm not there, and I don't know what kind of influence you have with the spouse, if any.

You can try; that's probably about all you can do. And she probably needs to learn or relearn about some of this from someone who understands, but does not provide the added noise that your being trans might bring to this.

Example: with my son, my ex is now in agreement that she really needs to have her own sessions with his gender therapist to come to grips. My perspective may be useful in some cases, but there are things she really can't hear clearly, coming from me as her transwoman ex.

Thank you. I do see what you're saying. Unfortunately I have yet to find any gender councellors in this area, or any LGBT support groups. We don't really have an LGBT community around here, the people that do fit into the category are mostly closeted, so I can't refer my friend or the spouse to anyone. They can't really afford to travel either.

I wish I had an answer for that. This is one of the biggest challenges facing so many of us. The isolation tends to reinforce the bigots' illusion that because we're oppressed, we must somehow "deserve" it, without realizing that cisgendered folk are punished almost as much by the stigma, shame and distortion as we are, just not alway so painfully.

You could try some books, I guess. But the usual response tends to be that they only need the Bible, or their guidance from some local hatemonger... bleh... sorry, my attitude at the moment is a bit more negative than I'd like.

Ok - just so I have it right. your friends spouse is special needs and totally cannot comprehend the concept of trans?  This is... well.. hmm.. You can try offering some info from pflag.. This helped me understand tremendously! Here is a link to a great pamphlet their Canadian chapter put out about transgender. http://www.pflagcanada.ca/pdfs/trans-myself.pdf

There are a ton of great organizations out there but  PFLAG.org (Parents, families and friends of lesbians and gays) was founded in 1972 and is dedicated to being a reliable resource for those in the LGBT community, their friends and families. Here is a link to their transgender resource page: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=1301

Not sure where you are but maybe they have a chapter near you that could be a good resource for your friend?

Ultimately, it will be for them to decide what they want to do but if your friend wants to transition and her wife is not in support of it then she will need your friendship more than ever. So the very best thing you can do i be her friend. Call her by her chosen name and chosen pronoun. help her shop for clothes, maybe help her find a therapist? Just having someone to talk and be herself around will be a lot of support in itself!

Thank you yellowsub11, I'll see about sending the link my friends' spouse's way. I'm honestly not sure what my friends' preferred pronouns and name are because they have to be closeted to their wife. They haven't minded people using their birth name and male pronouns. I will have to ask the next time I see this person what their preference is. My partner tried talking to them and finding out, since my partner has a way with words but I don't think our friend wanted to even discuss it. It's a very complicated issue.

I wanted to give an update on this. My friend's partner who is also a friend, is starting to become more comfortable with the topic of transgender since coming out to them. To my shock they even admitted to being curious about other women, so maybe this can have a happy ending after all. I'm still not sure the person wants to persue sex reassignment or hormones, they seem pretty happy with what they have but they said if it was offered free to them they think they would take the surgery. Either way, I'm hoping I can help them reach an understanding if nothing else.