I have been dating this guy as an MTF for about two months now and it's my first relationship. He is a great guy who has overcome the fact that I'm trans, and is so affectionate and I do believe he means it when he says he loves me.

However, he does have a cisgirl friend who he considers one of his 'best friends.' Fair enough, I know friends are important. I have male friends too. But I'm also very intimidated by ciswomen, I feel like I can't 'compete.' He did say that he is attracted to her, he has slept with her in the past (when she was married, but he was single), and they have discussed being together once she is divorced and if they are both single at that time.

Should this worry me? Again, this is my first time doing this and I find dating in general very difficult as a straight MtF. 

He's 34 years old - obviously he's been with other women. Married for 10 years. But how much detail about his sexual and relationship past should I know or care about?

I just don't like the fact that he was with other women and possibly treated them similar to the way he treats me.

He I'm not worried about him cheating, it's just a general concern I guess and I'm bothered. What can I do?

Thank you tons!

You should enjoy the ride. If it works then fine, if not, get off.

You can never know what it is you're looking for without trying out what there is. But finding the right one is just a matter of luck. Though it will never happen unless you open a peal a few lemons.

You would need to accept yourself and your feelings first and be able to communicate with the guy you're dating.

Understanding what you want and don't want and compromising and doing the same for the other person are part of being a relationship.

Try talking about this with your guy - else your doubts would only eat away at you from inside.

Also, just my opinion but I wonder if he still has feelings for her. And if he does then he needs to understand that he needs to be committed to you completely.
If he isn't then he isn't worth it. Although he might sound like a good friend.

IMO,  It shouldn't matter at all who anyone's sexual partners were before they were with you just like it shouldn't matter who your sexual partners were before you met them. The only thing that matters is what is going on between you and him right now.

You say that you don't like the fact that he was with other women and possibly treated them similar to the way he treats you.... but you like the way he treats you, yes? So don't worry about whether he treated other women in a similar way or not....what does that really matter? 

It's very easy to get caught up in things like jealousy and "competing" against other women but I think the best advice I could give would be to try really hard to not get caught in that web.  Things like that just lead to insecurity and self-doubt. Try and think about why you are feeling like you have to compete with this other girl.  If you do believe he means it when he says he loves you then you shouldn't be worried about this other girl hun.  Like Alexia6 said - doubts will eat away at you inside....

Does this other girl treat you badly? Is she a b*tch? That would make me feel insecure for sure but if she's not then maybe get to know her. Who knows? She could turn out to be a great friend to both of you and not just your BF... Then you wouldn't feel like you were competing against her!

Well I haven't met this other woman yet but that does make sense. I think prying into his past is a good way to predict how things might go in the future, that's all.

Icephoenix, I agree, make friends with this girl.....I don't really personally agree with hanging out with past romantic interests when you are committed to someone new...but that's just me.  You should keep open communication with him and tell him how you fell.  But remember the saying, 'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer' . I'm not saying this girl couldn't genuinely end up being a good friend to you....but you also have to be cautious...she could be out to hijack your man! I would also wonder if he says he loves you & this girl is one of his best friends, why hasn't he introduced the 2 of you yet? That's the odd part to me....is there a reason he doesn't want you to meet her?  Meet the girl& feel her out as to what her intentions toward your bf are.....good luck.

Girl - I totally assumed you'd met her!  Have you met his other friends? Does she just not live around there? I would totally be like "So, (chic's name) sounds awesome, when do I get to meet her?" 

"prying into his past is a good way to predict how things might go in the future," - Honey.. he was married for 10 years... and now he is not.... you don't want to open that can of worms... let the past be the past.. 

Quote from: yellowsub11 on January 17, 2013, 02:02:59 PM
Girl - I totally assumed you'd met her!  Have you met his other friends? Does she just not live around there? I would totally be like "So, (chic's name) sounds awesome, when do I get to meet her?" 

This is also an important but not risk-free way of answering for yourself whether he sees you as a short-term fling that he's stringing along or someone he sees as having a future together. It's not totally clear to me what the situation is here, but if he's avoiding having you meet his friends, to me that puts up a huge red flag about what I'd think were his intentions.

Much as it might trigger insecurities, I would want to know at least something about the sort of girls he's been with before he met me.

Quote from: spring0721 on January 17, 2013, 01:50:32 PM
Icephoenix, I agree, make friends with this girl.....I don't really personally agree with hanging out with past romantic interests when you are committed to someone new...but that's just me.  You should keep open communication with him and tell him how you fell.  But remember the saying, 'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer' . I'm not saying this girl couldn't genuinely end up being a good friend to you....but you also have to be cautious...she could be out to hijack your man! I would also wonder if he says he loves you & this girl is one of his best friends, why hasn't he introduced the 2 of you yet? That's the odd part to me....is there a reason he doesn't want you to meet her?  Meet the girl& feel her out as to what her intentions toward your bf are.....good luck.

I don't agree with it either but I don't want to put him in that situation.

She lives 3 hours away and they talk and text but they only actually see each other every couple of months only.

Oh! and I forgot to mention he ALSO hooked up with his ex wife twice after they separated! And he was still giving her money!!! Not happening anymore but that's a red flag is it not?

Quote from: Elspeth on January 17, 2013, 02:20:22 PM

Much as it might trigger insecurities, I would want to know at least something about the sort of girls he's been with before he met me.

I think this is fair to, as much as I don't like to hear it. How do you cope with it Elspeth? What about them would you want to know, in my situation?

Quote from: Icephoenyx on January 18, 2013, 04:26:51 PM
I think this is fair to, as much as I don't like to hear it. How do you cope with it Elspeth? What about them would you want to know, in my situation?

This is mostly specific to particular reasons my marriage fell apart, but I would be mainly looking for what we all had in common, to have a better idea of just what physical or emotional traits we shared that were keys to his attraction. And if I didn't see any between me and his cis girlfriends, I would (maybe this is not such a good thing, but I think its worth thinking about as long as you can keep it in check) -- I'd be looking for signs that he was into me merely to exercise (or exorcise) some particular kink or fantasy.

For me this comes up simply because of context, having had the last guy come onto me after a year of flirting and "accidental" touching, when I've concluded that he saw me as a way to explore something he was too ashamed to bring up with his wife. In that case, this became my suspicion mainly because unlike my previous lovers, he found it almost impossible to ask directly for anything that he wanted.

Mainly, I want to know this not so much to judge him, but to have a realistic idea of whether there's any chance the relationship could last, or improve with time and practice.  Given that he went completely paranoid after the second intimate "date" -- that ship has sailed, and I wouldn't have him back even if he begged really, really well -- something I doubt he's even capable of.

Sorry, this may be incoherent and off course from what you're asking... I'll look at this again when I'm better rested and not so emotionally labile.

I guess I just feel like I'm not good enough because I'm trans. It doesn't help that every woman he's ever interacted with in the past seems to have either wanted to date him, made out with him, messed around with him, etc. This is all according to him of course. And sometimes he throws this stuff back into my face.

It's a bad thing to have a past (or is it?) and it's worse when he brings up all these past women on a regular basis, esp when we are fighting. I'm still questioning whether or not this is worth it. I don't think he'll cheat on me but his previous experience with ciswomen still bothers me.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on January 17, 2013, 10:19:19 AM
I just don't like the fact that he was with other women and possibly treated them similar to the way he treats me.

Does he treat you badly? 


Anywho, what's in the past is just that: the past. He knew other people before he met you, some he liked more than others. Anywho, if you want to be with someone who has never been with anyone before, you're cutting out a huge demographic. So long as he's good to you now, I don't see why his past should matter.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on January 28, 2013, 07:32:04 PM
It's a bad thing to have a past (or is it?) and it's worse when he brings up all these past women on a regular basis, esp when we are fighting. I'm still questioning whether or not this is worth it. I don't think he'll cheat on me but his previous experience with ciswomen still bothers me.

It's not a bad thing to have a past, everyone has a past and he at least said he accepted your past.

But it is bad to bring up previous romances, unless you specifically ask, that is a relationship faux pas. Especially if they are used against you (not sure how your fights are)..

He can't change his past just as much as you can't change yours, maybe you need to accept his past?

Just tell him you don't want to hear about it, just like he probably doesn't want to hear about yours. If you don't think he will cheat on you and you've met the friend, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Anyway, how do you know your not more attractive than most of the cisgirls he's been with?

You probably are! We are always our harshest critics.

Quote from: Aleah on January 28, 2013, 07:55:04 PM
It's not a bad thing to have a past, everyone has a past and he at least said he accepted your past.

But it is bad to bring up previous romances, unless you specifically ask, that is a relationship faux pas. Especially if they are used against you (not sure how your fights are)..

He can't change his past just as much as you can't change yours, maybe you need to accept his past?

Just tell him you don't want to hear about it, just like he probably doesn't want to hear about yours. If you don't think he will cheat on you and you've met the friend, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Anyway, how do you know your not more attractive than most of the cisgirls he's been with?

You probably are! We are always our harshest critics.

Well I have seen pictures and I definitely have something over some of them, not to sound conceited. But then that bothers me because he could have done soooo much better in my opinion, do I really want a guy with questionable standards?

Quote from: Icephoenyx on January 17, 2013, 10:19:19 AM
He did say that he is attracted to her, he has slept with her in the past (when she was married, but he was single), and they have discussed being together once she is divorced and if they are both single at that time.

I'm going to buck the trend of the other posters here because this statement concerns me, mainly the parts in bold. Maybe it's just because I find it hard to trust people these days, but it sets me on edge that he is both attracted to her and would get together with her if she were single. I know it says if both were single at the same time, but becoming single is relatively easy. To me, it sounds like he's still hung up on her.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on February 01, 2013, 01:22:57 PM
Well I have seen pictures and I definitely have something over some of them, not to sound conceited. But then that bothers me because he could have done soooo much better in my opinion, do I really want a guy with questionable standards?

So, he has 'questionable standards' just because he went out with women you don't think are attractive.. It could be said by others that his being with you is questionable. Maybe they were great people and he's not shallow enough to be entirely driven by looks.

Ice-  'every woman he's interacted with wants to date him or has made out with him' ??....okay YeS this is ACCORDING to HIM!! I highly doubt this, so don't you dare believe this claim of his.  It sounds a little like he's trying to make himself sound a lot more desirable and wanted than he really is.....maybe he has a little low self esteem....I don't know, or just not very humble....either way whowants a guy that is bragging about how many women he could get?....it sounds kind of like he's saying 'oh well I could have all of these women, so you should feel lucky that I'm with you!' Type of thing.....obviously I'm not there so this could be wrong....just my opinion here  

I'm with kelly on the other girls in the photos of his exes....number 1 sometimes people don't photograph well but are hot in person, and number 2 sometimes personality makes someone 10 times more beautiful than they already are, everyone is attracted to something different.

And I too think it sounds like he's still hung up on the best friend....maybe kind of waiting in the wings until she's single....I don't know you'd have to witness the dynamic of the two of them around each other to know for sure.  I know you really like this guy, so either way I'm wishing luck!

Quote from: spring0721 on February 02, 2013, 06:19:17 AM
Ice-  'every woman he's interacted with wants to date him or has made out with him' ??....okay YeS this is ACCORDING to HIM!! I highly doubt this, so don't you dare believe this claim of his.  It sounds a little like he's trying to make himself sound a lot more desirable and wanted than he really is.....maybe he has a little low self esteem....I don't know, or just not very humble....either way whowants a guy that is bragging about how many women he could get?....it sounds kind of like he's saying 'oh well I could have all of these women, so you should feel lucky that I'm with you!' Type of thing.....obviously I'm not there so this could be wrong....just my opinion here  

I'm with kelly on the other girls in the photos of his exes....number 1 sometimes people don't photograph well but are hot in person, and number 2 sometimes personality makes someone 10 times more beautiful than they already are, everyone is attracted to something different.

And I too think it sounds like he's still hung up on the best friend....maybe kind of waiting in the wings until she's single....I don't know you'd have to witness the dynamic of the two of them around each other to know for sure.  I know you really like this guy, so either way I'm wishing luck!

Well the pics weren't necessarily exes, they included past hookups, flings, romantic interests, etc. So I think this may be more important than people may think. Appearance was important, at least thats what he says.

Yeah despite what the first few replies said, I'm still worried he's just hanging in there waiting for her. I'm seriously considering breaking things off, but I don't want to be one of the crazy jealous exes either. Again, this is my first bf so I'm still unsure of the 'ettiquette' that surrounds things like this.

Hello Icephoenyx! I have had a lot of experiences that may be of benefit to your situation. I can tell you as a cisgender girl that we can be jealous of transgender women too. I sometimes feel very envious of a transgender girl because the guy I like has feelings for her. She seems very pretty and cool too so that makes it harder. But the man I like is transgender also and I have dated only cisgender men in the past. I don't know if he has ever felt jealousy towards the other males but if he did I would tell him that being transgender does not matter. If a person is with you it is because they want to be with you.

Or that is how it should be. You said that you feel concerned because he seems to be waiting for this other girl. If this is bothering you you need to ask him once how he feels about that and if that is the case and then you need to make the decision: do you beleive him? If you do then all is well and you need to remember what he has said. If you do not then it could be one of two things: it could be you don't trust him because he is actually untrustworthy or it could perhaps be your own issues with trust and security in which case you may need to work on that.

If he is always honest with you then you probably have no reason to be concerned. If you are catching him in lies then it is probably wise to break it off anyway because relationships can only last long term when you have complete honesty with one another even about difficult topics like jealousy and possible attraction to others.I hope this helps you a little bit!

And I can chip in further from what hummingbird said...I'm only into women, but I've never thought of a trans woman as unable to 'complete' with cis women. To me, a woman is a woman, flat out. History is just history. None of us are inherently less for being trans, or less worthy as a partner than a cis person.