I cried for about an hour this morning when I made the last entry in my diary.  It hurts, and I'm crying again.  I want this all to end and it doesn't.  There's no out, and even if the road to my future is laying ahead of me, there's so much in my way.  And now this loss of one the one place I could say anything, and put words in an order that made sense is gone.

I was on top of the world the last three weeks and so much of life was good.  Now I may as well be dead.  I feel dead already.   I know this will pass, and I'm not going to kill myself, but when can it get better.  It's like JoAnn doesn't want me to transition, but she keeps saying she'll support me until she feels I have to leave.  Maybe it's time to go anyway.  Otherwise I might take that last step and dissapear forever.  It would solve a lot of problems, and help everyone else.  Oh, this is just a stupid musing of my mind, so dont worry.  I have to get it out.

We're headed to Las Vegas to visit a bunch of good friends this morning, and I'll be offline in about an hour.  I may not be .......   This is going to be the longest ten hour drive of my life.  I don't know what to say to JoAnn, or if she should even her hear about the pain I feel.  And I'm leaving everything that is me at home, and only taking boy things.  The clear polish is off my nails, the clothes are folded and put away, and I'll start new again next week.  Maybe.

I don't know what I want.  I'm sad, hurt, depressed, and can't stop crying. 

Kathy

Hang in there Kathy, you're certainly not alone with this. I would assume that the HRT is part of what is driving the tearfulness. Then if you have been married for a long time you may not want to go the entire nine yards just for the sake of keeping things together. Your choice though, you have to count the cost, weigh the pros and cons and find the place where you can be happy and content. Sometimes the cost of destroying a long term relationship isn't worth the pain and misery that will follow. You will have to weigh your options dear!

I don't know the background of your story, but I really want to wish you all the best and it will be ok. Even though it may seem like it isn't at the moment, it will be in time. You said yourself that your life has been good the past few weeks, I imagine it has taken a while for you to feel that great, but you can feel like it again. Life has a funny way of throwing things at us when things are going well but you can get through this. We're all here for you on Susan's. You're never alone. As long as 1 person cares, you'll never be on your own.

It will all work out for you. You look great in your avatar too, you have a really pretty smile. Keep that smile on your face and you can pull through anything.

Joey

I'm guessing your relationship has been a long one, and I hope that much of it has been close, and that perhaps there are some ways in which you have always been yourself with her, but the hiding makes things complicated. I do hope that the enforced intimacy of a long drive might be a good time to be out with her, now that she has read some of what you're feeling. Keep in mind that even when someone hears and sees the "real you" there will be things they don't understand, and there may be issues of hers that will also factor in to what she is prepared to understand and accept or reject.

Do what you can to keep the lines open, without further misleading or expressions she could misread as deception. One of the most common threads I've seen in most late "comings out" between long-standing couples is that the biggest hurt coming from especially someone whose identity was grounded in being a wife and soul-mate is the feeling that you could not be honest with them. If she also understands that this was mainly because you found it hard to be fully honest and open to yourself, it could go a long way towards rebuilding trust and understanding.

You may discover, with care and intuition, that even if you do separate, whatever she may reject, she is still likely to treasure what you've had together... she's just going to be coming to it with a very different understanding, perhaps not a complete one, but if you have been emotionally close for all your time together, it's unlikely she will be able to simply erase you from her heart, and she may turn out to be one of your best allies in moving forward, even if (and this is never a certainty) the marriage itself is something she feels (or you feel) must come to an end.

Sorry I don't have a crystal ball to tell you what the future holds. You are in my heart, as is your spouse.

So sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time!  PM me if you need someone to talk to!  I know how rough dark times can get!

I have dealt with the same things and many others like it.I have a friend who tells me they are supportive and only wants me happy but makes me feel guilty and rubs my face in all my mistakes,everything i have done and pushs away any and all feelings i have so their self can be heard (not exactly about transitioning but in general things) This had been going on for awhile and not long ago broke me down.I had gotten to the point i started pushing them away,i was sick of their selfishness.A supportive person will prove it and make it clear,not make you feel like crap while making their self look good.Watch these signs and please protect yourself,dont let it rip you apart like it did me.Support goes in all directions and with everything,not just transitioning.I wish you luck

Quote from: Chris Oblivion on January 18, 2013, 07:24:00 AM
I have dealt with the same things and many others like it.I have a friend who tells me they are supportive and only wants me happy but makes me feel guilty and rubs my face in all my mistakes,everything i have done and pushs away any and all feelings i have so their self can be heard (not exactly about transitioning but in general things) This had been going on for awhile and not long ago broke me down.

Sounds a lot like my last boyfriend... and my ex.  I don't know if this is just a trans thing (people thinking they have an obligation to tell us we're not living up to something?) or whether I just attract people who want to try to fix me, because something is broken and deeply buried in themselves? Both of these relationships had a lot of "Mr. FixIt" characteristics to them. And especially with the most recent one, it became very clear, especially once we'd been intimate, that I wasn't necessarily the one with the biggest "problems" in need of fixing. Not that I don't have a lot of issues and things I could be doing better at, but the advice was usually misdirected and useless... even moreso with this last guy, who really took a long time coming on, trying to manipulate, and generally painting himself as the "white knight" when what he wanted most was to cheat on his wife.

JoAnn and I cried together, hugged, and lovingly kissed.  Yes we do still do love each other in some ways.  So why are we so unable to talk this out.  I'm obviously going to have to be more open, but the feelings and experiences of the past are incredibly difficult to express.  I guess we'll make it for quite a while longer. 

Shan:  Yes, I'm going to make it through and these setbacks because they're only setbacks, not and end.  And you're right about destroying a relationship.  Neither of us want to end what we have, so JoAnn and I will keep it forever.  Maybe not as married partners, but deep loving Friends.

Joey: You're sweet to say that about my smile.  I'll change my avatar when I start wearing makeup, and really look like myself.

Elspeth: We're both searching for a way to communicate, and we will each find a way to open up.  I hope soon.  We have so much in common and it's so terrible to loose what we have.  I don't know, maybe she does want to find a way to stay together.  We have to talk, and that's part of what we cried about this morning. 

Abby: You might unexpectedly get a PM from me someday when things seem like their falling apart.  Talking to someone who understands is far better than having me venting on the forums.  Thank you for caring.

Chris: The worst part of having a loved one or close friend offering support is that they often don't understand the experiences we have.  Too many people view our issues as us having problems with our lives, when in fact the support we need is their help in keeping an open path to transition, and a new life.  A complete life, and one without the doubts that others sometimes reinforce without their knowing.

Well, Thank you girls.  I'm glad you're there. 

Hugs and love, Kathy

Quote from: kathy b on January 18, 2013, 10:53:21 AM

Shan:  Yes, I'm going to make it through and these setbacks because they're only setbacks, not and end.  And you're right about destroying a relationship.  Neither of us want to end what we have, so JoAnn and I will keep it forever.  Maybe not as married partners, but deep loving Friends.

What's a paper document between two long term loving hearts? Meh

Quote from: kathy b on January 18, 2013, 10:53:21 AM
JoAnn and I cried together, hugged, and lovingly kissed.  Yes we do still do love each other in some ways.  So why are we so unable to talk this out.  I'm obviously going to have to be more open, but the feelings and experiences of the past are incredibly difficult to express.  I guess we'll make it for quite a while longer.

If you decide to seek couples counseling, I would strongly recommend taking a look first at Imago Couples Therapy. We came to it far too late in the process for it to bring us back together, but it was the only framework I felt might have worked for us, if we'd only started there in the first place.

Unfortunately, we found it at a point when my ex was essentially ready to file for divorce and move on.  The brief (weekend-long) workshop we did in it, did help us to open up communications better, while avoiding activating one another's childhood hurts and anxieties too much, even as we headed into divorce, and it still helps us stay focussed on our children's needs instead of our conflicting and not entirely resolved issues. I think it has also helped her, over time, to realize some of the issues that she could avoid dealing with, by trying to "fix" mine or open them up to an impossible negotiation.

It might not resonate for you, but I'd suggest at least looking into it, should you need to find some ways to get past the noise and chaos that are likely to be going on for you both in trying to talk about your revelations and your hidden self.

Quote from: Elspeth on January 18, 2013, 12:38:06 PM
If you decide to seek couples counseling, I would strongly recommend taking a look first at Imago Couples Therapy. We came to it far too late in the process ...................

JoAnn finally decided to come in and see my Gender Therapist.  I'm glad we'll have a chance to talk together in these sessions. 

The only hope for a lasting friendship after a separation is to have some sort of lovig friendship left before that end.

Kathy