I'm new to this forum, and nervous as hell. So if some of what i type here seems not to make any sense here, that is why. Let me start off by telling you that i am not a post or pre op. I'm not on hormones of any kind yet. For over 20 years i truly believed that i could conquer this. It seems i was very very wrong. You see i build PC's for members of my family, the few friends i have, and the individuals they bring my way. It's a hobby, and i build for free. (They pay for parts and shipping) It really makes me happy, but most important, it kept my mind off of my gender issue. Build, tweak, repair, modify. keeping the mind busy. Before i get to caught up in this, let me explain that i dress as a woman. I view myself as a woman. and have done so for years now. I have known from a very early age about myself. I am comfortable with me as a woman, but uncomfortable with the ignorance that seems so prevalent amongst the human populace. I go to work as a male, come home, and then transistion to my female self. For a long time i thought i would be happy just dressing the part, and that this would somehow pass. That one day i would just stop, and forget all about it.
I soon found that the more i gave into what my heart was telling me, The more i wanted to be complete, Whole......Normal. It got to the point when during the times that i had obvious facial hair, i would begin the painstaking process of plucking it all out with tweezers, Then grooming the rest of me. I could not eat, sleep, or take any breaks until this was all done. Then i could relax and be my self for the next week. Until of course the hair on my face started to grow back. (No i could not afford any professional hair removal procedure's) The more i repeated this process, The more i got upset, and angry at myself. It was not long before i fell into this darkness that not only caused me to abuse my body, and deny myself all the things that made me even remotely happy, but to also doubt the legitimacy of my very existence on this earth. I grew tired of hearing, reading, observing the constant ridicule, and alienating of not just people like myself, but of anyone who was different. Anyone who didn't fit the mold or was not one of society's drones with a little basic programming. Then i realized that, we get to live on this earth once, and those of us that are here are considered blessed of lucky if we get 70 years out of it.
Who is man to dictate to me or anyone for that matter how we should or should not live our lives? If we were causing some sort of damage (other than to their fragile ego's) or were harming anyone, well i guess i could kind of understand. That said, At 33 years of age i have decided to start living my life for me, and not from someone else's limited point of view. I go by the name of Catherine Marie BTW, And i hope i have not taken up to much of your time. This is the most in depth i have ever explained my self to anyone.
