Hi guys and girls, how's it going?
First of all I must say I'm so glad I found this forum, people are talkative, nice and helpful. I probably won't be doing really long winded posts as I have my blog for that but I will post snippets of my problems, uncertainties and I'll see if I can be of any help to those who need it.
So, I'm Andrea, I'm 23 years old and I'm a transgender girl that didn't start the transition process yet, for various reasons, so I'm gathering all the information I can on the subject so when I begin transitioning, hopefully soon, I'll have caught up with the things that I needed to. I'm not going to go through all the "why I'm transgender" topics because it's almost the same like any girls reasons out there. I'm just happy to say that since I've came to terms with myself on what I really am and what I need to do from this point on and my whole self has improved immeasurably ever since. And it's only been 11 - 12 days since I came out to myself but my whole view on life has changed to the point where it's almost the opposite of what I used to be 2 weeks ago. Now I have goals, dreams, ambitions, I care about how I look, I want to learn and develop myself for myself as well as for the social life I want now. Before it was none of that, at all, there was a boatload of depression, anxiety, loneliness and heeey, the most "lovely" condition of human kind, can you guess it, can you guess it? Yeeees, I was suicidal, for a very good bad reason (yeah, I don't understand myself sometimes either). And come to think that I always knew I was different and I inclined towards more feminine feelings, habits, approaches as well as material wares but I didn't really speak it "out loud" to myself, what a shame. I'm not the jealous type but I do have a bit of... anger towards myself that I didn't take this road much earlier, so when I see these gorgeous girls that are 18, 20, 24 and so on I get a bit of that. With God's will and a whole lot of work on my side, I'll probably hit the "yeah I'm passing" moment when I'll be around 26 - 27 years old. But then again, I look at all you lovely senior transgenders and I'm like "just forget about all of that, it's never too late". You, the senior transgenders, regardless of gender are one of the standing pillars of this movement and I salute you all. You show that it's not "just a phase" or that we're not some crazy, perverted kids that just don't fit anywhere. You really show that the expression of self has no age, phase, sexual orientation or the will to subdue to anyone or anything, again, I salute you from all my heart.
Now that I'm into this natural and different mindset I can't really put my finger on the reason why I didn't come to terms with myself earlier but I tend to think it's society's grip on our whole being, I probably feared what most fear, the ridicule, possible violence, rejection, starting over. Now I don't, I crave some of those, especially the starting over. Due to "society's expectations" I gradually learned my role as a male but I'd never quite fit in like I belonged there. I also blame this on society, media, entourage and so on but at one point, around 17 - 19 yo I found that I became homophobic towards gay people. I never did anything against anyone, not even verbally, but when the subject came up with friends, I just had my anti-gay lines and verbal attacks coming out. And I didn't feel right about this but I still did because I needed to fit in with "society" which awkwardly is really anti social if one takes a step back to look at the big picture. At that point there was no such thing as "yes I'm a girl, a transgender girl" in my head. So I used to have homophobic thoughts but now I'm the happiest bunny in the grass for discovering my true female self. Yayyy, I'm a hypocrite! And it's more disturbing when I think about it because I'm bisexual and this has also been repressed by this "operating system" we call society and it was repressed in my own self. Meaning that whenever I was looking at a guy who I felt attracted to, checking him out and such, my rational (pffft) mind kept leaping in with a series of "NO, NO, NO", if you get what I mean. So yaaaaaaay, I'm a double hypocrite, top that!
Because beginning physical transition is not even close to possible for me at the current moment, It doesn't mean I should wait around and do nothing about this right? Right. So at the current moment I'm undergoing a bit of self therapy and learning to truly become the woman that I am. I'm trying to fix my posture, practicing my speech and voice (God this is terrible), getting accustomed to gestures and all the mental developments I need to undertake to really be myself. I want to have as little things left to do when I will actually start transitioning physically so that really rocking period of hormones, self critique, shifting emotions (oh boy, I have a gang of that already) and so on, the ride will be just a bit smoother so I won't end up slicing and dicing up myself. My feelings and emotions are probably the most feminine features I have, mentally speaking. I always get lit up and emotional over the smallest things, I get hysterical sometimes and I cry my ass off when I feel down and cornered. Probably because I've been this way all my life. So when I'll start HRT I'll need to lock myself in a bunker in the woods because God almighty knows I love this planet and I just don't want to destroy it. But it's not just these emotions that reflect my femininity in my every day life either, these are the most radical ones, but there's a lot of good in me, I know that. I just have to dig it up now. Oh, and I can talk your ears off, can you tell? So yeah, I'm social, approachable and talkative to the extreme, now I know that I'm transgender so... Hi!
