Lately my dysphoria has been getting worse; it's like it comes in waves. It seems like everything in my life is causing these feelings (or lack there of), and all I can do is ride it out.

I know the only way to progress in transitioning is to have a talk with my constantly-in-denial mother. The problem is that I can't bring myself to have such a conversation. She knows that I am trans, doesn't want to accept that I am, and plays it off as though I am just doing this for attention.

At one point I asked her how she would react if I grew a ponytail...to which she replied, "I didn't raise a girl". I honestly just want to save up so I can move away and forget everyone. It would be easier just to pretend that this first 19 years of my life never happened.

I'm so tired of pretending to be male, all I am now is an empty shell. I don't feel, I just exist.

I feel so much empathy with you on this.

Just a thought, could you approach your mother and other in a different way?

Perhaps, simply expressing more femininity in dress, allowing your personality to blossom and so on?

It seems you have a lost cause with the convincing, that might get you there, but by a longer route, if you see what I mean?

I'm sorry things are not going well for you right now and that your mother is in such denial. I think your idea of moving out is probably the best option for you. That will allow you to grow as a person, and it could provide your mother the opportunity to learn to accept and love you for the woman you are. Good luck.

~Spacial~

I have thought about just continuing on and transitioning...but I'm starting to hate the insensitive remarks from my mother. That combined with everything else is unbearable. The worst part is that there is no way I can transition before starting hrt; my body hair is way more than a normal guy let alone a girl. And I don't have the money for therapy, don't know if I actually can get hrt in this stupid minuscule town, and am not sure if I can get a therapist that is understanding.

~Brooke777~

It was more of an ideal way of getting rid of at least 60% of my problems. But in reality one months worth of paychecks = one months worth of rent. I live in an oil/gas boom/tourist town. Everything is steadily increasing in price just because of people's greed.

I appreciate the support though.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on January 23, 2013, 12:40:46 PM
~Spacial~

I have thought about just continuing on and transitioning...but I'm starting to hate the insensitive remarks from my mother. That combined with everything else is unbearable. The worst part is that there is no way I can transition before starting hrt; my body hair is way more than a normal guy let alone a girl. And I don't have the money for therapy, don't know if I actually can get hrt in this stupid minuscule town, and am not sure if I can get a therapist that is understanding.

I understand that. But I'm thinking more subtly.

Your clothes. How you think. How you relate to yourself and others. The colours you might choose for whatever else you might have.

I appreciate the frustrations of being trapped. You have to know that many of us had to do the same as you, but because, for us, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. For you there is.

Now I'm not trying to lay some guilt trip onto you, about how lucky you are. You've got it rough.

But I'm just saying, if you want to maintain your sanity and build yourself for what is to come, then you are going to need to deal with what you have.

Mothers are a bit like the weather. They happen regardless and there isn't a lot you can do about them.

But you can deal with some aspects.

Thank you for elaborating on your original post.

I'm just not sure where to start...

Quote from: Sky-Blue on January 23, 2013, 03:18:24 PM
Thank you for elaborating on your original post.

I'm just not sure where to start...

You start by looking in the mirror and doing what every girl has done since mirrors were invented, you ask yourself how you can imporve your gorgeous face.

It starts in front of a mirror and in your mind.

I will most likely take your advice and start my transition regardless of what my parents think. Although if I find a time when it feels right to talk to them in-depth, then I will do so.

I will still have to start by getting a therapist and hormones; and at the same time getting a new wardrobe and make-up, possibly laser hair removal as well. Also...I should start subtly changing my voice to make it sound more female.

I don't know how long I will stay this excited for...I know it's just a matter of time before something else triggers my cycle of depression...

Ahh nothing like giving in before we start.

Ok.

Jill is totally correct, as usual. You can start as soon as you want. Whose acclaim do you need to be you?

Only one persons opinion is important. YOURS.

If you are going to wait for peoples approval to be you, then you had better start to think again.

You are the one who decides.

Ok so far you have told us that you are as hairy as a monkey on steroids. And you need some ones permission and help to do something about it.

Ok I give you permission.

Buy some razors and shaving cream, stand under the shower, lather up and start shaving. Take it slowly and easy , keep cleaning the razor with a face cloth to remove hair. If you are really hairy use an electric razor to remove the first layers of forest.

Be very careful around the knees and bumpy bits, you will nick your self. That is why they sell elastoplasts. You may want to aim for one leg at a time or up to the knees on both legs, or just do the lot.

Ok bet that feels good.  Now moisturise, Rub moisturiser onto your legs morning and night, keep shaving your legs every 48 hrs or so.

You might want to do your chest and tummy. You may want to buy some Veet or Nair and do the lot, follow the instructions.

Now. How hard was that, and I bet you $20 that you have never felt so sexy and so feminine before!

Next, I bet there are places that sell cheap nail polish!

Buy a cut shade, how about bright red

Polish your toenails.

Not as easy as it looks is it? Fun though?

Mmm maybe you need practice. Oh that is how girls get so good at this stuff. Practice.

OK let us know how you go. You may want to check up on Laura (Jason S) she is just starting as well.

Oh maybe you could pm each other?

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

Hee Hee.

Ok lets see how you go!

There is nothing to be afraid of. It is YOUR life.

Cindy

Sorry to hear it is not going as well as it might sis.

Cindy beat me to it but I will still post what I typed.

As regards body hair, laser makes a big difference and with 6 weeks between sessions to allow the growth cycle to be repeated, might be affordable for you a session at a time.  Just a thought.

I have a good friend here who knows he is FtM but has decided not to make any physical changes, instead working to change society to be more inclusive and accepting.  Not saying you need to go to that extent, but some of us are able to live in our original body form a while once we are secure in our identity. Working on the inside in depth first? Would that be an option, at least for a while until you can become independent?

Karen.

Quote from: Cindy James on January 24, 2013, 04:15:20 AM
Ahh nothing like giving in before we start.

Ok.

Jill is totally correct, as usual. You can start as soon as you want. Whose acclaim do you need to be you?

Only one persons opinion is important. YOURS.

If you are going to wait for peoples approval to be you, then you had better start to think again.

You are the one who decides.

Ok so far you have told us that you are as hairy as a monkey on steroids. And you need some ones permission and help to do something about it.

Ok I give you permission.

Buy some razors and shaving cream, stand under the shower, lather up and start shaving. Take it slowly and easy , keep cleaning the razor with a face cloth to remove hair. If you are really hairy use an electric razor to remove the first layers of forest.

Be very careful around the knees and bumpy bits, you will nick your self. That is why they sell elastoplasts. You may want to aim for one leg at a time or up to the knees on both legs, or just do the lot.

Ok bet that feels good.  Now moisturise, Rub moisturiser onto your legs morning and night, keep shaving your legs every 48 hrs or so.

You might want to do your chest and tummy. You may want to buy some Veet or Nair and do the lot, follow the instructions.

Now. How hard was that, and I bet you $20 that you have never felt so sexy and so feminine before!

Next, I bet there are places that sell cheap nail polish!

Buy a cut shade, how about bright red

Polish your toenails.

Not as easy as it looks is it? Fun though?

Mmm maybe you need practice. Oh that is how girls get so good at this stuff. Practice.

OK let us know how you go. You may want to check up on Laura (Jason S) she is just starting as well.

Oh maybe you could pm each other?

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

Hee Hee.

Ok lets see how you go!

There is nothing to be afraid of. It is YOUR life.

Cindy

Actually I've been wearing fingernail polish for months lol. My manager's reaction was priceless yesterday, he didn't know what to say and progressively went more and more red in the face. I usually wear black and light ice blue nail polish, sometimes with a white crackle topcoat.

I do actually shave my legs, my biggest problem is that I can't shave my arms without looking like a prepubescent child (after all, girls have some arm hair; it's just thinner).

As soon as I get more money I might have to replace and reinvent my wardrobe. I'll have to go shopping with one of my girlfriends.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 24, 2013, 04:19:54 AM
Sorry to hear it is not going as well as it might sis.

Cindy beat me to it but I will still post what I typed.

As regards body hair, laser makes a big difference and with 6 weeks between sessions to allow the growth cycle to be repeated, might be affordable for you a session at a time.  Just a thought.

I have a good friend here who knows he is FtM but has decided not to make any physical changes, instead working to change society to be more inclusive and accepting.  Not saying you need to go to that extent, but some of us are able to live in our original body form a while once we are secure in our identity. Working on the inside in depth first? Would that be an option, at least for a while until you can become independent?

Karen.

I have been thinking of laser for my facial hair, but I would rather start laser when I start hrt; just because the regrowth will be much slower. I don't think it would be worth my time and money to get laser for my whole body; especially when I'm not on hrt, because I would already be paying for hrt as well.

Because I never really had a group to hang out with, I am way more introverted. I think that I never fit in because I never understood boys, and girls don't trust boys enough to hang around with them. So naturally, I first started to work on the internal aspects. This is not to say that I am done, but I have done a lot of introspection and self-analyzation.

Currently I'm reading a book called "Wise Mind Open Mind". Which may help me in my transition.

Thank you for the support Karen.

-Skye