I'd like to ask a serious question...

I know transition is usually a death knell for a marriage, but I was wondering if any of you have marriages that survived. And if so, why do you think it did? Did your SO have bi tendencies, and thus remained physically attracted to you? Were you able to get past the physical aspect, and build a relationship on something deeper?

I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years. I'm out to him...he took it pretty well, and told me that if it's 'worst case' (ie, if I want to fully transition), he'll still love me because he married me as a whole person, not just a body. It sounds too good to be true to me... I'm just worried that once any physical changes start to set in (if I go that route), he'll discover he can't actually handle it..the loss of his wife, this  new strange person, being perceived as gay, etc.

Sooo...any success stories out there?

Not from me. My ex knew about me for eighteen or nineteen years and rarely had a problem with it. When I started T, he definitely had a problem. We lasted for only about twelve weeks after that.

I guess I should amend the question to include any serious long-term relationship

(and thanks Arch...that's the trend I've been noticing)

Well I probably shouldn't respond here since my significant other isn't yet on hormones (1st endo appt on the 29th!) but we have been dating nearly 8 years now and if anything, our relationship is a million times better now than it was before she came out to me (and it was great before.. she is just so much more comfortable with herself now). I think it was really easy for me to accept because.. well I guess I've always considered myself pansexual, I have always known she had some sort of gender issues. We always joked before she came out about how I was the man of the relationship.. and it does feel that way I can't understand why it would make a difference one way or the other. As long as she is happy and healthy, I will be happy, and so far she is a million times happier. tbh, I don't think I have ever really been attracted to  'males' or 'maleness' in anyway. She never had a very male aura. I can easily be with anyone who I love and makes me happy.. just women are more attractive. Anyways, I know I'm prolly not the best case since she hasn't started hormones, but I really can't see that doing anything but making me more attracted to her.

In my TG group I know of only 1 couple that is still together after the "Hey guess what? I am trans" revelation through full time for a good 5 years now I think. They had their tough periods but their mutual love overcame the obstacles. The other 5-6 formerly married are just that.

My own story is one of my wife knowing from about day 1 of my "Hobby". I was able to keep the trans stuff pretty much under control for 30+ years. The past 3 years have been an emotional roller coaster for us both. While now I feel that if I needed to go full time she will remain by my side, I've been doing a pretty good job the past few months of letting guilt, hopelessness, futility and fatalism bury that side of me once again.

My gf and I will have been together 9 years next month. When we met she was dating a cis male and didn't know about me. A few weeks later I told her and she had no problem with it. Now I'm fully transitioning and she has no problems with it. If our bedroom habits have anything to say about it, I'd say she is getting more attracted to me with every shot, lol.

I married my teenage sweetheart, we're going on 44 years now and have two sons and two grandkids. I'm a late blooming transitioner having started around 1995. I started HRT on the QT and as my body and brain started to feminize she began to have trouble with it. I suppose that since our relationship was based initially on a really good friendship that morphed into one of love and mutual support, it was a great help when it came to endurance because we had it right to begin with, it wasn't just based on a sexual relationship. I took it very slowly, and we had many long breakfasts that went into noon as we discussed everything. I have done everything except SRS and though my spouse accompanied me to my pre-op consultation with Dr. Bowers, I made the decision to forgo it for both of our sakes. I do mix my male and female attire and present androgynously. My wife is petite and very attractive, we're both into fitness and do practically everything together. I get the vibes that we get clocked as a lesbian couple by those who don't know us.

One thing that came up in our discussions was "I married a man!" We've discussed every possible aspect of that and although I have had an orchiectomy about ten years ago and am still on feminizing HRT, I do use a tiny amount of topical testosterone on the apex of my butt following my daily shower which makes boy/girl type sexual intimacy still possible. She has gotten used to the boobs and soft skin and thinks I'm a better lover now than previously, probably because it takes me a little longer than formerly to get my motor running, but it stays running longer. I get the feeling that she's gotten to the place where she's enjoying the visual kinkiness and the fact that we now have a huge emotional connection that was formerly not always there. Most importantly it is all about commitment, not just hers, I had to be willing to meet her half way. My pix are on the link below.

In my experience, I've seen wives stick around more than husbands, but I've never done a survey. And nearly all of the SOs I've seen who weathered the storm were bisexual--but that's the people I know IRL.

Thanks for the replies, this is heartening stuff for the most part.

Simon - that's pretty awesome, man. You must have a very open-minded girlfriend XD

Joanne, wow that's a rough situation. If my husband starts changing his mind that's definitely where I'll be at - trying like mad to suppress this stuff to keep the boat afloat so to speak. I'm not going to leave him just to change, that's for certain.

muffinpants - lol, well I'm betting your situation will work out because frankly it sounds like you rock! What an awesome attitude.

Shantel - This really gives me hope. 44 years is truly an accomplishment.

My husband and I are best friends first and foremost. Our sex life is somewhat dismal because I discovered I'm pretty much asexual after we were married (that's what you get for waiting till your're married to do the deed kids). Granted there seems a distinct possibility that it's the dysphoria rather than true asexuality...hard to tell in this body, ha. Be that as it may, we work out together, like the same movies and TV shows, enjoy just hanging out...heck even worked at the same job for quite awhile (we're both engineers by trade). I feel like if this is going to work it's going to be based more on our emotional connection that anything physical.

Quote from: ford on January 25, 2013, 07:54:56 PM
Thanks for the replies, this is heartening stuff for the most part.

Simon - that's pretty awesome, man. You must have a very open-minded girlfriend XD

Joanne, wow that's a rough situation. If my husband starts changing his mind that's definitely where I'll be at - trying like mad to suppress this stuff to keep the boat afloat so to speak. I'm not going to leave him just to change, that's for certain.

muffinpants - lol, well I'm betting your situation will work out because frankly it sounds like you rock! What an awesome attitude.

Shantel - This really gives me hope. 44 years is truly an accomplishment.

My husband and I are best friends first and foremost. Our sex life is somewhat dismal because I discovered I'm pretty much asexual after we were married (that's what you get for waiting till your're married to do the deed kids). Granted there seems a distinct possibility that it's the dysphoria rather than true asexuality...hard to tell in this body, ha. Be that as it may, we work out together, like the same movies and TV shows, enjoy just hanging out...heck even worked at the same job for quite awhile (we're both engineers by trade). I feel like if this is going to work it's going to be based more on our emotional connection that anything physical.

Absolutely critical! No doubt you've probably heard women talking about how some men are emotionally unavailable? Well, yes it is a problem for many because they have learned to stuff their feelings and mask their emotions from early childhood. I witnessed the deaths of several friends in SE Asia years ago along with a lot of collateral carnage of civilians, their homes and lives. I never shed a tear about anything until several years had passed. I had to hold my wife's cat as we were about to have it put to sleep for distemper and came totally unhinged and cried like a baby. Men do that, they stuff things and hold themselves back as if they have no soul. Sounds like you have a keeper, just engage in a lot of conversation as you move into your transition, talk about feelings and be sure and say "I love you!"

Well, I *am* the SO, but yes. Actually, among the couples I know, the majority did stay together (and the ones who did not had already considered divorce before transition, for unrelated reasons). My wife transitioned in 2009, when we'd been married for 9 years and together for 14. It was a hell of a year, and there were certainly times when we were wondering if we could hold it together, but at this point we're happier together than we were before. Mostly because *she's* happier, more content, and generally a more stable person. (Yes, we still have a satisfying sexual and romantic life, and we made it work back when she was considering herself a guy, pre-op and then post-. Sure, it required some flexibility from both of us, but that too is part of marriage.)

I also know several partners who are of an orientation that conflicts with their transitioning spouse's new gender and still stayed together; some choose to redefine their orientation, some don't, but labels should not be allowed to define people to the exclusion of their own desires.

I am in fact bi and prefer women, which I am sure helped. Of course, I assumed that meant this would be "easy," which... was both cruel and silly. It actually took a lot of work on both our parts to deal with the millions of minor and major changes that transition required, and I give her a lot of credit - it was her willingness to consider my feelings and to delay anything I couldn't handle (not that I asked more than once or twice, but the offer itself meant a lot) that made this possible.

One thing to keep in mind is that no matter what anyone in the larger society says, this isn't something so bizarre and horrible that it's a free pass to divorce. Any major change (good or bad) can strain a marriage - having babies, chronic illness, changing careers - and this is just another example of a life change that takes serious effort to accommodate. It's a less statistically common one, sure, but that's all. Don't let anyone tell you that you're some kind of freak who deserves to lose him, or tell him that nobody ever sticks it out through a spouse's transition!

Your husband probably has no real idea of the scope and complexity of the changes this will cause. That's not an insult; I'm not sure anyone does fully grasp it until they're on the other side. But if he loves you and is willing to try, and you're equally willing to work with him, there's a VERY good chance you can come out of it with a solid marriage. I've always said that love and commitment are the key factors (and communication!!); love doesn't overcome all, not without a hell of a lot of work, but it's a great start. He seems to be offering you that sort of excellent starting point, so it's possible. Good luck... and feel free to tell him to pop in here if he'd like to talk to other people who've been there.

I think one reason it's harder on men--assuming that it is, but that's what I've seen--is that most men don't like to talk about their feelings, and it can be hell getting them/us to go to therapy or couples counseling. If my ex had been willing to talk to someone, we might have weathered the storm. He went through a lot of weird crap, selective memory, and accusations, but no real talking it through. I had been through therapy a number of times (lifetime of feeling screwed up) and was no stranger to it. He'd never done it before, and he had no interest in starting.

Thank you Ford for starting this thread, there's really good posts in here ... inspirational and real. I wish you the best of luck

Quote from: Arch on January 26, 2013, 01:25:31 AM
I think one reason it's harder on men--assuming that it is, but that's what I've seen--is that most men don't like to talk about their feelings, and it can be hell getting them/us to go to therapy or couples counseling. If my ex had been willing to talk to someone, we might have weathered the storm. He went through a lot of weird crap, selective memory, and accusations, but no real talking it through. I had been through therapy a number of times (lifetime of feeling screwed up) and was no stranger to it. He'd never done it before, and he had no interest in starting.

Good point Arch. What would you say about a man who is very open emotionally to begin with? With close confidantes to lean on?

Very interesting thread.  Can the fear of the 'gay male stigma' be overcome for straight men? Not saying it's not tough for women suddenly being seen as lesbian. But the stigma seems greater for men.

PS I think a member here, Paul aka Squirrel696 is still with his husband after being transitioned several years. Anybody else?

Thank you blueconstancy...lots of good stuff in there. Good point about how (boiled down) transition is really just one of many life changes that can strain a marriage (I really like hearing from you SOs...it's great to have you on this forum).

Arch - ah the feelings thing. Oddly, my husband talks about his feelings much more readily that I do, and is quite a bit more emotional. So maybe that will help.

And he does seem very willing to try to understand. When I first came out he offered to let me try on a pair of his jeans (lol) so that I could "get a feel for what men's pant size" I am, haha! So I did, and in solidarity he tried on a pair of my rather girly hiphuggers... That said though, while he definitely isn't homophobic, he is very much a straight guy in public, and I think the public perception is going to be a big deal to him (especially when it comes to his very conservative religious family). But this is feeling like a workable issue...a comfort zone thing.

Thanks all for posting. There is some good inspiration here.

My ex and I were pretty open with each other, although it took me something like eight or ten years to tell him about my other worlds--and somewhere in there, I found out that he had one, too. His wasn't a waking fantasy so much as a dream he had when he slept.

My inner life...well, I'll be honest, he never knew the half of it. Nobody did until I told my therapist. My ex didn't know, for example, that I spent whole days inside my head and even sometimes drove my car while I was in fantasy mode. It was the only way I could cope. So I definitely held out on him, but that was private stuff.

The trans thing killed our communication. In most ways, we were like two guys who were best friends--except with straight sex thrown in. Frankly, I think that my being trans was what he needed--except for the physical transition part. If he ever gets into another relationship, he'll need a girl who is very guy-ish in a lot of ways. Maybe a tomboy.

In the end, I learned how to share some of the deep stuff with him because I was talking about it in therapy and very much wanted the relationship to survive. But by then, my ex rarely shared his deepest feelings and fears with me. I tried to draw him out, but he went into cave mode and never came out. He saw a therapist once--after he had already decided to end the relationship.

I know that there was homophobia there. At least, he didn't want to be in a gay relationship, whereas that was the kind of relationship I'd always wanted, from childhood. Well before transition, I could see where my partner drew the line. If people "mistook" me for a guy but I wasn't really working at it, that was okay. If I was trying to be seen as male, that wasn't okay. So if we walked down the street hand in hand, and I was just being myself, and people yelled "->-bleeped-<-gots!" at us (which happened many times), he could laugh that off. But if I bound and went out to the opera with him and I tried to hold his hand, he became a stiff, uncomfortable stranger and either stood there frozen or actually pulled away. Not his finest hour, but at least I fully understand it now.

When we were still negotiating the terms of our relationship at the very end, he informed me, "I'm not gay. I won't be gay. That's your thing. I won't be a part of that world." I told him that he didn't have to socialize in gay circles and that I wouldn't expect him to come to the Center or go to Pride. In the last analysis, that wasn't enough for him. He really needed to be with a woman. I hope he finds one, and I hope she likes girl watching, science fiction, Jackie Chan, and The Evil Dead

I was in a relationship for 6.5 years. We broke up before I realized I was trans or took any steps in transitioning, but my personality was always very masculine. Towards the end, he pointed out things that didn't bother him in the beginning, but started to bother him later on and he didn't think we were a good fit. It was devastating at first, but we're still decent friends. He's aware of what's going on now and says he's supportive. I definitely don't think it would have lasted if we had stayed together in the first place. Strangely, I see that as it working itself out.

Then I dated a girl (first and only) who was totally fine with my personality. We broke up after a year over other reasons, but during the time apart I started to figure out who I really am. It was kind of hard for me to tell her because I knew she'd be supportive as a friend, but I wasn't sure if that would change how she'd look at me romantically if we were ever to get back together. Recently, after two years, I decided to just throw myself out there and asked her out. I was surprised she said yes. We've just been taking it super slow. 

Quote from: Arch on January 26, 2013, 12:43:09 PM
My inner life...well, I'll be honest, he never knew the half of it. Nobody did until I told my therapist. My ex didn't know, for example, that I spent whole days inside my head and even sometimes drove my car while I was in fantasy mode. It was the only way I could cope. So I definitely held out on him, but that was private stuff.

^^^ I did this all the time too Arch (still do). It got so distracting that I could barely function irl...that pushed me to figure out what was going on; the start of my realization. I've shared the gist of it with  my husband but...yeah he doesn't know the half of it.

Tejas: good luck on the new relationship! Taking it slow is never a bad idea.

Danielle: I'm sorry to hear that...again that seems to be extremely common unfortunately.

Quote from: ford on January 26, 2013, 06:51:20 PM
^^^ I did this all the time too Arch (still do).

I lost the ability to do it. Seems to be the price I am paying to live in the real world now.

Quote from: ford on January 25, 2013, 05:18:09 PM
I'd like to ask a serious question...

I know transition is usually a death knell for a marriage, but I was wondering if any of you have marriages that survived. And if so, why do you think it did? Did your SO have bi tendencies, and thus remained physically attracted to you? Were you able to get past the physical aspect, and build a relationship on something deeper?

I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years. I'm out to him...he took it pretty well, and told me that if it's 'worst case' (ie, if I want to fully transition), he'll still love me because he married me as a whole person, not just a body. It sounds too good to be true to me... I'm just worried that once any physical changes start to set in (if I go that route), he'll discover he can't actually handle it..the loss of his wife, this  new strange person, being perceived as gay, etc.

Sooo...any success stories out there?

Here's my experience so far, although I'm not transitioned, still some of it applies to things you hit on. I told my SO about a year ago, and marriage survivability has been a topic of discussion with us at times. Things are fine now, largely due to my continued suppression. My SO does have some bi tendencies, however when physical changes began to appear in me that effected her very negatively (I went off HRT then). The physical aspect to it is a major stumbling block, even though we talk about other aspects about it fairly often and openly.