So this feels embarrassing for me to admit but honestly I feel like I need to be open about it and see what others think. Since I really started transitioning I was very intent on transitioning and I had no doubt and I thought I was just going to do it without looking back. However yesterday and today I really started to doubt everything I worked so hard to get to this point. Part of this doubt is coming from an outside source, a girl I met a while back but there wasn't anything romantic and then all of a sudden there was, and she doesn't know I'm in the process of transitioning. So I felt as if I was torn between being true to myself and having a chance with a girl that I honestly feel could make me happy and I could see a future with, but I know I can't have both transitioning and her, so I feel so lost and full of doubt. Have any of you felt similar doubt or confusion and how did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Thanks again for all the help!

Yeah I know exactly how you feel. Although I haven't expressed any feelings towards her, I still worry if I might regret not ever dating her.

On the flip side I also fear that girls might not be attracted to me when I start transitioning, or that I will restrict my chances of getting a girlfriend due to being a lesbian.

In the end I came to the conclusion that I would be happier being seen as female when in the relationship. Because if my girlfriend saw me as male, it would just cause further dysphoria; as she would have certain expectations (stereotype wise) of me.

If I were you I would start dating her, and perhaps pose the question, "If I was a girl, would you still like me?." Alternatively, you could come out to her if/when it feels right.

-Skye

Unfortunately I know that answer already, I know for a fact that she wouldn't want to date a girl, it's just not her preference and she no interest in it which is causing even more struggle because it really makes it feel as if I have to make this impossible choice between her or myself when really I want both =/

I've had the same thing happen. There's really only one thing you need to think about. If having a relationship with her requires you to not be you, then you wouldn't be having a relationship with her.

Quote from: EmmaS on January 27, 2013, 03:25:43 PM
Unfortunately I know that answer already, I know for a fact that she wouldn't want to date a girl, it's just not her preference and she no interest in it which is causing even more struggle because it really makes it feel as if I have to make this impossible choice between her or myself when really I want both =/

As the saying goes..."You can't have your cake and eat it too." When you transition you are going to lose certain things and gain other things (privileges, stereotypes etc.).  Transition is a sacrifice for you to be who you are, it is -unfortunately- not a win-win situation. Albeit, I would call it a better situation in many ways; although again I can imagine that some parts of post-transition really suck.

All you have to remember is that there are always more fish in the ocean. And there is only one you.

-Skye

Yeah I know you are both right about each of your points, but I'm not even sure how to avoid getting myself in this situation again, clearly gaining romantic feelings for a straight girl as a girl is a bad idea, but for whatever reason I let it happen and I didn't stop it and now I got myself in this mess where ultimately I think both her and I are going to get hurt.

Are you currently in a relationship/dating? How close are you?

You could still be friends after...idk it sounds like a pretty difficult situation.

I know how you feel though, I had feelings for this guy and I'm pretty sure he liked me. But I couldn't bring myself to get closer to him because of my body. When he moved away I was depressed for almost half of a year. I still miss him sometimes, even though I know it wouldn't have worked out. He was the reason I started to question my gender; and because of that I will always remember him.

-Skye

I don't think we could be friends ultimately because we are really close. It took a long time to build up, but over the last few weeks it has really became a romantic relationship which came out of no where. I'm trying to avoid feeling depressed for months because of "what could have been" and so I question my own identity which I thought I figured out completely already.

Quote from: EmmaS on January 27, 2013, 04:09:25 PM
I don't think we could be friends ultimately because we are really close. It took a long time to build up, but over the last few weeks it has really became a romantic relationship which came out of no where. I'm trying to avoid feeling depressed for months because of "what could have been" and so I question my own identity which I thought I figured out completely already.

I question my identity daily, even though I had gone through a period of acceptance.  I figure that part of it is that my brain has to re-wire itself slowly. I went through something similar when I lost my faith (deconverted); it took me about a year to finally accept that I was an atheist. And I always had thoughts of doubt and conflict.

Like I said, part of it is self-discovery, the other part is the time it takes to re-wire your brain.

The most I can offer is a bit of advice and an e-hug.

Hugs,

-Skye

The thing to remember is that if you enter into a relationship with her and give up transition, you will still have to deal with your GI.  Even if you were together for 20 years it will always be there.

I know that, and the thought of getting married, having kids and grandchildren just to have that all ripped away because I didn't transition sooner is terrifying. It almost seems if it's meant for me to truly transition it would be selfish of me and would only hurt her and I more, but that doubt keeps trying to tell me there is a chance I just made a mistake transitioning to begin with and then logically I reason that I have had these thoughts since I was a child. *vicious cycle* in my head =/

Attempting a relationship with her will only lead to pain for both of you.

My 2 cents.

Agree with MoO

Girls are such a pain in the butt :-P  Sorry, I couldn't resist. I feel for you in this situation, it's heartbreaking. But I feel that you must be honest with her. Nothing good will come from hiding it. Perhaps you'll gain a good friend that will help you in your journey.

Such a tough spot to be in. I've been there and it was not good... I think the best thing is to be true to yourself. This means telling her who you really are. Either she will accept you for it, or not, in which case it is not really love, and both of you in the end would be unhappy, you continuing to question your gender identity, and her likely feeling you are always holding something back or you do not fulfill her perception of the "male" role. Some of us have been married in the past, even had children, but the gender identity is always there and you will have to eventually face it. I wish I would have seen this earlier on, prior to the hurt I feel I caused, and the pain others could have avoided had I chosen differently.

I know where you're coming from. Something kinda similar happened to me this past summer. The thing is you can't have both. You know your gender identity and it will always be what it is. If you put on an act the likelyhood of disaster is high. What you have to consider is cost vs benefit. If you pursue a relationship, sure you'll be happy with her, but you are always going to have a female GI. And what if it doesn't work out? For whatever reason? As much as it may be taboo to think it might not be a successful relationship, it's a realistic factor, especially if you have to put on an act for it to be valid. If you transition you'll be a woman for the rest of your life, period end of story. You'll always have that with you wherever you go. I think you should at least come out to her and let it go from there. But I seriously do not recommend pursuing a relationship.

You have to be true to yourself without this how do you expect to be with someone else?

just be very sure this is what you want to do. you dont want to go all the way through to srs and then say. hey wait i dont want this trust me it sucks.

This dilemma is ever present whenever anyone realizes their true nature and then has to make the difficult decisions that will affect more than just themselves.  I am married 42 years, and just now realizing who i am, and what I need to do, and facing the dilemma of who gets hurt.  It is perhaps more heartfelt for you, as you have already begun transitioning.  I have not, but am doing anything i can short of that to avoid possibly destroying my family (HRT to relieve the dysphoria).  But how do I tell my wife I am transexual, (when discussing merely crossdressing, she said she could not live with a woman in the marriage) which is your decision also.  It is a balancing of hurts to keep the total to a minimum.

Take some deep breaths, and look at your soul.  You have a long life ahead of you, mine is very short.  You will make the best decision for you.

Barbara

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on January 27, 2013, 04:21:56 PM
Attempting a relationship with her will only lead to pain for both of you.

My 2 cents.

Yerp