I've had some trouble connecting with trans* communities in the past, and I'm hoping that this one will be the one that sticks. The issue seems to be that I'm pretty agender and definitely non-binary and that seems to create problems. In the most agender sites I tend to be brushed aside for going too far in the transition discussions while at the other end of the spectrum at the more HC trans communities I've been pretty mercilessly attacked for not being completely binary and being a clear-cut MTF.
The thing about me is that I don't think I know exactly where I am and where I'm going to. I am MAAB and I didn't even realise that I was trans until about a year ago, but I immediately realised that I've been trans pretty clearly all my life. I've always felt that gender is mostly meaningless and have been very gender neutral since childhood, but I just hadn't connected the dots about how deep this goes with me. I accidentally created breasts for me with a shirt with breast pockets and after the initial shock wore off, I realised that I had wanted them pretty much from the get go. I don't know why, I just feel that I should have them. They're a part of my body. At the moment I wear breast forms pretty much 24/7 and it has helped my mental health more than anything before. I'm still pre-everything except the forms and tucking, but I'm very close to my first session at the local trans clinic that'll hopefully lead me to get to do physical transition in addition to the mental one I've been working on for the past year.
I though I'd be a pretty clear-cut agendered person and I just wanted HRT when I started, but since I've been getting into this, I've been finding myself going more and more into the female end of the spectrum. I didn't think I'd want to wear bras at first because it felt cross-dressy to me (not that there's anything wrong about it, it's just not my thing), but soon realised that they'd be the key to proper and emotionally fulfilling breast simulation. I didn't think I'd need to tuck, but now I'm doing that. I also found that I don't really feel like I'm crossdressing regardless of what I'm wearing since as a person without gender, I'm equally out of step or in step with my true identity regardless if I'm wearing a three-piece suit or a dress. Although I haven't really worn a dress yet, so I guess I need to experiment if that really is the case but so far it seems to be. I don't feel like I'm dressing gender-inappropriate even though I'm wearing a bra and panties for the forms and tucking.
The other big issue with me is that I've identified as asexual all my life. I've had zero interest in sex or relationships and have been very active in the asexual community to the point that I'm pretty well known in it, especially here in Finland. But since I've started transitioning (and I count the mental stuff I've been doing transitioning since the mind is the most important organ in the human body), the very latent lesbian tendencies in me have started to come to the forefront. I did experiment with this side of me by writing some lesbian erotica with baffling amount of success that didn't make much sense to me since I was writing about actions done with body parts I had no actual experience about. I was really ashamed of it back then, since I thought that made me into one of the creepy dudes who got off on "girls doing it". Starting to transition and having that part of me really come to the forefront has made me feel loads better about it. But it's still quite shocking to start feeling sexual things after all this time being nothing but put off by it.
As I said, my goal is very much a moving target, but at the moment I'm really hoping to start HRT and eventually get partial SRS. In my case it would mean getting the works except the vaginal tunnel, because I don't really see that much use for it and dilating seems like too much effort for the benefit to me.
Anyways, I'm sure nobody was this interested, but I'm hoping that I finally found a community open enough for people like me as well.
