Hey there, I'm Alex.  I've been living with this GID or GD or whatever they call it now for what seems to be my whole life.  I've gone to therapy for my other issues and worked through them aside from the depression, which I think is linked to this at this point.  I have the wishes to become a girl, and they ebb and flow.  Some days its worse than others, I wont want to look at myself in the mirror and dont want to be called "guy" or "dude" or "bro" or "man" and I just want to go to my room, curl up in my bed with the room dark and silent and sleep and cry until I can wake up and that this has all just been a dream, and when I wake that I'll have really been a girl my whole life and that everything will be okay... not good, not great, not that I'm rich or have some easy life, but that I'll be okay with me, and that I'll feel okay inside of my own skin for once in my life.  On the not so bad days, its just there, the thoughts lingering in the back of my mind like some pervert watching me on the bus, breathing down my neck, that no matter where I go or what I do he's still there... that's what it feels like.
Some days I've taken hours just to pluck out every last hair on my face and chest, only to realize that didnt help make my skin smoother or feel or look less like a man's because I have these large pores left behind.  I used to crossdress at friend's houses when I was younger and sometimes go out and pass, but  now I can't do that for a list of reasons, the least of which being htat I wouldnt pass, the worst of which it follows me back to my job in the military, and I face charges and get the boot.
I've tried therapy for it and though the therapist confirmed that I am a good candidate to start transition if I wish to, yet again my military contract gets in the way of all that. I re-enlisted last year in hopes that I could finish college before I ETS to make life easier when I get out and any minute possibility that I am able to afford transition smoother, but now and then I am too depressed to even care about school.
I've tried talking with friends and family, and it doesnt help much anymore the way it used to.  Most of the time when I'm with friends or family I can be interacting with them and having a good time, all the while on the inside I feel alone, like I'm in an empty dark room with only my thoughts around me.  I tried drinking heavily in hopes that I could get drunk enough to forget and maybe the thoughts wouldnt bother me anymore, but that didnt work and never has so I've given up on the drunken stupor option.  There are many days where I wish for death because I know that I cannot do it by my own hands, just to not exist anymore feels like it would be such a relief.
I dont know what to do. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I dont it feels.... if I go through with transition now and maybe get a moments reprieve, I'm out of the Army and not on my own terms, not with a good rap, it'll be bad, but if I dont go through with transition now I feel like I'm going to continue to be overwhelmed living each day, crushed by the weight of life.
I just want to get better one way or the other.  I dont care anymore if it means transition or somehow not having these feelings anymore.
I had a migraine from the stress yesterday that lasted 8 hours... I need help, does anyone know of a good therapist or counselor or something in the fayetteville, NC area?  I dont care if I have to pay $100/hr out of pocket just so it doesnt follow me back to the Army and get me kicked out, I just need help.
I'm tired of feeling like an empty shell of a person who cant even be herself anymore.  I've given suicide hotlines a try even, and the whole time, though I know its probably not true, I feel like they're thinking "listen to this idiot, what a schmuck, they think they've got it bad... get over yourself and grow up, this is life and life sucks"

I'm in emotional pain everyday, every waking hour.  I used to dream at least and that helped since a lot of them I would be the me I want to be, be the girl I'm craving to be with each waking moment, and wake up happy and calm and think, did that really happen... is this waking moment just a nightmare?  But then I'd walk over to brush my teeth and see myself in the mirror and realize once again that nope, this is reality, you and your bulky masculine frame, your scruffy cheeks and short hair, your stress lines at 23 and receding hairline from stress, your damned square jaw and manly brow-line... and then I just finish what I have to do to go on with my day and relive every day before with the tormenting thoughts and feelings of wrongness and discomfort.
I cant even have a relationship because I'm afraid they'll find out, or they'll take notice that when I look at them its not just out of attraction or compassion but of envy, like an acid on my skin, burning in me, knowing that what I envy and what I crave I might not ever have...

Hi alex. Welcome to Susans'.

Thank you so much for your informative post.

OK, so you have a bit of a road block. That happens.

Transision starts in yourself. What you think of who you are and what you are. You are a woman now. But you have some presentation problems, mainly appearance.

You have a job which needs to been finished. Do that. You made a committment, if you let it down you let yourself down.

As for that bulky frame and all the other problems. Believe me when I say this, in the past few years I've seen girls blossiming from a lot more and ending up being utterly beautiful.

But it takes a lot of work.

So, stop worrying. It isn't over. You have everything to gain. Just takes time and a lot of effort.

Big hugs to you sweety

One part of your post that rung a bell with me is a sort of all or nothing thinking ... either transition now, or not at all. That's a big load to put on yourself all at one time. When that overwhelmed and paralyzed me, I found taking tiny, tiny steps helped immensely. Every day, something tiny, like buying female underwear or wearing something, etc. The smallest victory could make my day, and it gave me something to look forward to tomorrow. Tiny victories are easy, and it's not standing still. Is it a long term goal or does it solve all your problems? Nope, but you don't need to accomplish all of that in a single moment.

Good luck to you, and I hope you can find a good therapist in your area

Quote from: alex89 on January 29, 2013, 11:51:42 PM
  There are many days where I wish for death because I know that I cannot do it by my own hands, just to not exist anymore feels like it would be such a relief.

I know How you feel I have felt this way many times throughout my life. It may seem rough now but it will get better you might not be able to transition right now. But as long as your alive you at least always have the chance to transition.

Hey Alex I hope I can help even if just a bit.

Ok migraines, had one just yesterday, no picnic under any conditions. But at least I can relate.

Military career, been there. So I know what it is like to be in the green machine.

Relationships, did I here right, you are 23? Hmm don't sweat it, I had no experiences till 25 eh, virgin on my wedding night. It was funny too Thing is, 23 is nothing, heck 33 is nothing, you have a lot of life left, so stop even worrying on that one.

Better to become who you are before you start hunting for someone to spend a life with.

As for your current military committment, hmm just consider it a tour of duty, it will end. Heck seems like just yesterday I was thinking how cool it would be to be in  new century, and that was 13 years ago, time flies.

If it is your dream to transition, keep this in mind, it takes a lot of planning it takes a lot of research. You wouldn't be changing in a month or 3 months if you started today. If you made the choice, chances are you would still be doing a lot of initial prep any way.

I think more than a few here can verify that, yep, lots of work ahead. Even if it is just saving up for the expenses eh. It's not free after all. And it isn't just medications. You would be buying a lot of things, wardrobe, make up, hey, there is a lot of stuff you simply will not have realized the average woman needs. Ever even shopped for your size in women's footwear? No picnic.

And all of the prep, it's not like you wear a sign saying you are doing it eh.

What are your plans after the military? And how would you be doing those plans as a girl?

I hope this has given you a lot of things to think about.

Hey there Alex,

I'm headed the other direction, but I almost feel like I could have written that post, it really rang true to my experience, even down to the military service. You are not alone. It is overwhelming to look in the mirror and think of how far we are from where we'd like to be. But the fact that you are taking the first few steps...looking for counseling, looking for help...is already a huge accomplishment, and for me at least it was the toughest step so far. It's all about baby steps...making a plan that looks to the future but taking it one day at a time.

Alex, welcome, you are among friends.

I am new to wanting to express who I truely am. When I acknowledged who I am there was exteme panic. My friends here helped to anchor me from going over the edge. Express yourself here.

It took a month to see a social worker and 6 weeks to see a therapist, an eternity. Transition occures in mind, spirit and lastly body. Learn everything you can about transg* and yourself. You are not alone and you are normal. You can transition your mind and spirit now. 

There are some wonderful and beautiful people here and they can help.

Quote from: alex89 on January 29, 2013, 11:51:42 PM
I used to crossdress at friend's houses when I was younger and sometimes go out and pass, but  now I can't do that for a list of reasons, the least of which being htat I wouldnt pass, the worst of which it follows me back to my job in the military, and I face charges and get the boot.

Not that I would condone it, but if you're in the US military it shouldn't end in charges. It will end in an honorable discharge though. It happened to me and DADT was still in full effect when it happened. I don't know if repealing it made things worse or better though.

Quote from: alex89 on January 29, 2013, 11:51:42 PM
Most of the time when I'm with friends or family I can be interacting with them and having a good time, all the while on the inside I feel alone, like I'm in an empty dark room with only my thoughts around me.  I tried drinking heavily in hopes that I could get drunk enough to forget and maybe the thoughts wouldnt bother me anymore, but that didnt work and never has so I've given up on the drunken stupor option.  There are many days where I wish for death because I know that I cannot do it by my own hands, just to not exist anymore feels like it would be such a relief.

Been there. I actually find it difficult to have fun anymore because all I can think about is getting depressed about them being so happy with who they are and why can't I have that? When I drink it actually amplifies the feelings to the point where I try to sober up so I can get back home where I can be myself. I'm also very familiar with wishing for death, but not being willing to do it. That is depression plain and simple. When the depression is gone, you'll be able to see how little sense that made. My depression disappeared about a month ago and I haven't had a thought like that since.

Quote from: alex89 on January 29, 2013, 11:51:42 PM
I dont know what to do. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I dont it feels.... if I go through with transition now and maybe get a moments reprieve, I'm out of the Army and not on my own terms, not with a good rap, it'll be bad, but if I dont go through with transition now I feel like

I wish I had known then what I know know. At the time, I was so focused on the need to be a woman, that I got careless about my job in the military and ended up kicked out. It happened a day before I could start using my GI Bill and it's nerve-wracking everytime I apply for a job because my military is on my resume and I worry that they'll ask for the DD214. Almost every job I've gotten was because the hiring manager was in the miilitary too. It's a really good thing to have. Don't mess it up. Try to focus on something else or find support groups you can let it all out at. Even a full term of service left is miniscule compared to the benefits of being able to use that later in ways that can help you with your transition.

Quote from: alex89 on January 29, 2013, 11:51:42 PM
I just want to get better one way or the other.  I dont care anymore if it means transition or somehow not having these feelings anymore.

That's what got me to therapy this last time. When I got to a point where it wasn't a need to transition so much as a need for an answer one way or the other.

Quote from: alex89 on January 29, 2013, 11:51:42 PM
But then I'd walk over to brush my teeth and see myself in the mirror and realize once again that nope, this is reality, you and your bulky masculine frame, your scruffy cheeks and short hair, your stress lines at 23 and receding hairline from stress, your damned square jaw and manly brow-line... and then I just finish what I have to do to go on with my day and relive every day before with the tormenting thoughts and feelings of wrongness and discomfort.
I cant even have a relationship because I'm afraid they'll find out, or they'll take notice that when I look at them its not just out of attraction or compassion but of envy, like an acid on my skin, burning in me, knowing that what I envy and what I crave I might not ever have...

I hate mirrors. I used to be afraid of them from seeing Poltergeist as a kid. Now I'm afraid of them from seeing myself, or lack thereof depending on perspective. A lot of people here, myself included have similar issues with relationships. Definitely find somebody that can help you work things out even if it's not a shrink. Support groups near bases are extremely helpful because they're usually filled with ex-military and/or civilian contractors working on base. They can help you keep clear of pitfalls and possibly point you in the direction of a therapist that is willing to lower their rates for military, and not go through your benefits so it stays off your record.

Thank you everyone for your support and caring enough to actually read and respond. It helps to know that there are people within reach with whom I can relate and experience empathy with.
I was going to take the time to respond to each of you but I'm on my phone right now and tabs on its browser are a pain to use. I'll take the time when I get off work today.
And thank you all again.