Hey, I was just wondering if anyone feels like I do. For the longest time I was convinced that I am a FTM transgender, but now it seems like every time I want to go through with transition, I am having a lot of second thoughts. Especially since I have a singing voice I would rather not lose. Some days I wake up and I feel more like a woman, but others, I feel like a man. But I really don't want to be bigender, or two-spirited because I don't want me or the people around me to go through those constant changes. I will also be travelling the world in the next couple years, and I don't want to be killed for going into a country where it is illegal to be gay or transgender of any sort.

Maybe too it is also just the fact that I am sick of having to use tensor bandages with athletic shirts to bind my chest every single day. I do have binders from Underworks but with some unfortunate circumstances- that would take too long to get into- I had to leave them behind in another province, and my friend who they are with doesn't have the money to send them to me. I feel like I can be brave when I am a man, but every time I feel like a man, I keep thinking that I am not really one, and my friends keep using the wrong name and pronouns; which makes it even more difficult. Whenever I'm a woman, I always feel shy and reserved, and I hate it. I hate the fact that my breasts give me back pain, and that I will never be skinny or pretty enough like all the other girls. Also when I am a man, it is a pain to try and bind, because my chest is a 42D and it is very hard to get flat and comfortable with a chest that large.

I would love to go see a councilor but in this city there is a 3 month waiting list, and I really don't have that kind of time. Plus, I'll be moving within 5 months anyways.

I also want to know if I am passable as either gender, please let me know if I am.

MALE


FEMALE

It sounds like that you're hiding between the two genders. You're scared; this is new territory and, in a world with so many labels, it can be hard to find your niche, where you fit in. Let me tell you, it's normal. Second thing I'll tell you is that the advice you're probably going to hear over and over again, this is a change, for better and for worse, and it doesn't come with a small price (figuratively or literally), so you need to figure out who you are, what you want, and how to get there. And it takes time; there are no quick answers.

Take a deep breath. I know you said there is a three month waiting list for a councilor but I'd check again. If you are in school, start there; many school have great resources if not in the school then to recommend. Talking to someone else about these feelings and what you want, not just for transitioning or transgender issues but life, who can help you make these goals and ask questions which can lead you down the path you couldn't see clearly before (especially if you're like me and don't really have the support system you need to do those things with).

I can't say everyone, but I am pretty sure there were plenty of people who second guessed themselves at one point or another. I know I have and there are days when I still do. Life gets complicated sometimes and it can be easy to wonder, what if...

What if I was 'normal' woman? What if I had a dick? What if I could change shape? Or grow six feet? What if, what if, what if. These what ifs don't center yourself; they cause imbalance, worry, and anxiety. You don't need that lugging you down!

Just make sure this is the right decision, wherever you are on the gender spectrum that this is for you. You are growing for you. You are fighting for you. You are true to yourself. You have options, man or woman, both or neither.

As for the pictures, you look young, but you pass. Very handsome/beautiful.

your passable as both genders out from the picture, but as I always say I don't belive you can jugde passing in a picture as in general.
-
for what I think it would be best to figure out by forgetting all the excuses and worries..
think of it as. "if the world where without hate or prejugdes what would I prefern, how would I live my life, express myself, what would I be and like it to look like?
I think this is the most easy way to be honest with yourself and where you should go about it, even if your bigender or in some way more fluent that dosent hold you back on being trans or parts of ftms comunetys if that what you think. I cant speak for others but in my area ftms are considered pretty large spectum both for transexuals, ->-bleeped-<-s, genderqueers, androgynes and so on so.. people who are more fluid with there gender face more trouble. yes.. thats the hard part but its best for you to find out whats make you happy, rather than whats the easy life is.
--
btw.

you mention traveling and I dont think you should put too much focus on it.
yes I also love to travel and sadly I must hold myself back for the danger but I think this problem will be for you no matter which gender you are.
if you are female there are countrys who will be very unsafe for you,
if your are considered male the same place could be unsafe in the caise someone would think your homosexual or if people where to find out your trans.
if your somehow between both of this could be troublesome..

I dont really think unless your a strong man who is 100% passable and straight acting you can feel all sure, and even so there might be other facts who could be unsafe.. but looking positive on those facts theres also alot of places who are safe, or places who even is considered "nonsafe" who got areas who are more safe.

Some great points here already, but I want to second a point Natkat made. When I'm having doubts, and of course it  happens, I find it helpful to imagine an 'ideal situation'. If I didn't have to worry about losing my husband and family, or if I didn't have to worry about a job, or how people perceive me...if all those things, then who would I choose to be? For me it becomes a no-brainer. Male. All my doubts are centered in guilt and other feelings that involve those around me. These, of course, are valid fears in many cases, and then at that point I have to choose where my values are. Do I value what others think of me above how I feel about myself. Do I value my family's comfort, etc etc. But at least I come to a more solid appreciation of who I am deep down inside.

As for the passing...it really shouldn't affect your decision on how you want to best express yourself. And if it comes down to the fact that you identify as male, but the discomfort of binding etc outweighs the dsyphoria or need to present as male...that's a matter of values, and that's fine. You just have to find that spot where your body and brain are comfortable (easier said than done).

My two cents

I was dealing with this too. I guess many of us does, because it's a big change in every way, like others said. I was already on T when it came to my mind. I think that was the point when I realized it's not just my unreachable dream, I can make it real. And it's sometimes scary to get what you always wanted but never thought you gonna have.
You're passable both female and male. I knew transition is the right for me cause if I had to present female it made me feel sick. Not just beacuse of this but it came to my mind because of your pics.
Good luck to figuring out what's best for you!

Well it is even possible to have severe chest dysphoria and be a female. There's someone on youtube, Tommy B who is this way. Also it is possible to have top surgery and not be ftm. There are some surgeons who will do it on people with chest dysphoria, non-binary people, and even butches (as I think some of them are actually under the trans umbrella).

There are non-binaries who take T, usually in a very low dose. But of course, you can't pick and chose side effects. Of course one of the effects which some of us want a lot is changing your voice. There are people who sing post T, you might look for a guy on youtube named owen middleton. He's got a very nice voice now, though not sure it is what it was pre-T. There is some adjustment period to T apparently.

Maybe you should read the androgyne forum and see if this sort of thing fits you better.

I believed I was androgyne at one time, but I don't think so anymore. I feel myself to be this now, but it is something I went thru before I understood myself and gender identity so well.
I feel that I am actual non-binary but I want to be in a more male body. This is not that uncommon with non-binary people.

I think you should look into counseling. I know you think you don't need it but I think anyone who is more non-binary, esp, it is more confusing to sort thru all this. Maybe you want to wait til after you move, but I have only had something like 5-6 months of counseling and it did a lot of good. Though finding a counselor can be hard. I had zero trouble and see a transguy so this has been really great.

You can probably pass both ways, but I think there is more to it than a photo would show.

--Jay

Hi,

I read your post and thought I would reply as I recognize much of what you are saying, but from the reverse direction. You have already had lots of good responses so I fretted about whether or not to post this because I don't want to influence you in any way; I'm no councilor; and I don't purport to be an expert. Hopefully I've been as neutral as I can be whilst still saying what I think – I've certainly tried.

Obviously I can't tell you what is right for you, but I can give you some of my thoughts and perhaps you can take something from them that is helpful.

The first thing I think I would say is don't accidently try to shoehorn yourself into any boxes. It's easy to read other peoples experiences and definitions of what it is to be FTM, MTF or whatever else and to recognize that you feel the same things and then before you know it find yourself subconsciously trying to fit their definitions.

FTM, MTF, bi-gender, two-spirited, etc - all of these are just words that people have come up with to try to describe what they see of the human experience. They're useful because they allow us to explain a type of person / experience in one word without an epic long description each time. But, they don't mean that a given person will perfectly fit into one of them, or that the definitions won't change as understanding evolves.

We are all individual, so listen to that voice in your head. Don't ignore that part of yourself that some days wakes up and feels more like a woman. I can't tell you if that means you should or shouldn't live your life as either male or female (or somewhere inbetween for that matter), but I can say I would hazard a guess that it won't go away.

It's ok to be a man and sometimes feel that you are more like a woman. Equally, it's ok to be a woman and sometimes feel that you are more like a man. Neither makes you not a man or not a woman and you can transition and feel those things or not transition and feel those things... try to make sure you explore all the different ways you can express yourself to see if there is something that fits for you.

Personally, I also don't think it means it is either more or less valid to transition or not, because I think it is all part of the normal breadth of experience of what it is to be male or female - I don't mean that every person feels those things, but that it is part of the normal breadth of human experience. (There is a tremendous amount of politics that comes into these things though and all manner of arguments that happen about what constitutes a 'real' this that or the other, lol.) However, that's by the by - I think what's important is to recognize and acknowledge all the thoughts that are happening in your head and not try to ignore any of them, as that will help you work out what is right for you... but you seem to be doing that anyway as you're writing about it.

One of the things you said was: "[...]every time I feel like a man, I keep thinking that I am not really one[...]". This and its reverse is a common source of insecurity for people who transition. If you read enough accounts by people who transition you will see that sometimes even the most 'passable' and well accepted people can struggle to reconcile their thoughts on that one. Different people resolve it for themselves in different ways, but ultimately I think the only thing I can say is that we all have to take responsibility for our own decisions in life and make our choices as best we can.

Another thought for you in respect of your two photos, is that I would suggest that as a woman society will give you more leeway with your appearance than it would as a man (at least in western countries)... As a man, society is likely to give you a hard time if you want to look like the second one on a regular basis... I know how you express yourself isn't your gender identity in your head and it's not about what you're wearing, etc, but it's something to think about.

Finally, whatever you do, don't forget to live life and have fun!

Hopefully I've been some sort of help – good luck!

Nb: it's also ok to change your mind – multiple times even!

I hear fears about changes to one's singing voice from a lot of people. That's such a profound part of a person that it probably can be jarring to have it change. I sing all the time, but badly and so it was a lot of fun for me to sing and track my voice deepening.

You are passable in either gender just judging from those two photos.

Try to give yourself the time and space to be unsure. You don't have to know right this minute exactly who you are and how you want to live. Experiment, grow into whatever feels best. As long as you don't take permanent action (like hormones or surgery) you can always change your mind.

You might look into web or skype counseling. Here's the list from laura's playground. Don't think the one here is as complete. I don't think either one is as sometimes I see nothing for NM. I know that just isn't true.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

--Jay

If this isn't a good time for you to transition, you can also wait.

I am very happy that I my support network of friends and family in place, no need to travel, and basic life plans for the two years it took to transition.  I also had an iron conviction of who I was, which was invaluable.

I had considered transition when I was younger, but I was still lost and anxious.  I didn't have all the information, or community.  So I soldiered on as I was.  While it would have been nice to have done it then, I wasn't ready, and I would have needed someone to help, while a few years later I was able to control my own life and transition.

It is your life, and your body.  No one else can determine what the right thing is for you.  It is OK to be scared.  Change is scary.

The road of in-between is one that requires more courage IMO than the road of the transsexual, because you're going to live in the space we only live in briefly as we transition.  However just because something is hard, doesn't mean you shouldn't if that is where you feel you belong.  My sister was disappointed that I was a transsexual because she was hoping I would be butch.  It took her a while to get over it.

If you come to the conclusion you are a man, I will celebrate you as a brother.  If you come to the conclusion you are somewhere in-between genders, I will celebrate you as a sibling with whichever pronoun you prefer.  I can not tell you what you are though, only you can do that.

Shortman

I think what you're doing is great. I believe it is important to be introspective often when someone is deciding to transition. This isn't something to take lightly and once someone gets past the point of no return with hormones (when there are irreversible effects) it can be a lot harder to detransition than to just not start in the first place.

Why did I decide to transition? I couldn't see my life proceeding as a female. I didn't transition because I was brave. I transitioned because I was scared. I knew that my life would end if I didn't.

I wish I could have found a way to be happy in the body I was born with. Would have made life a lot easier and cheaper to just live as a lesbian. If you can live comfortably as you are now then why transition medically?

You said that some days you feel male and some days you feel female. My advice would be to stay as you are until you are sure exactly what you want for your life. Sometimes it takes people a lot of time and life experience to be able to be certain about certain things. There is no rush to medically transition. The process will still be around if you decide to one day. 

Thank you all so much for the wonderful support and insight! I'd reply to you all individually, as you all made wonderful contributions, but I got a lot more replies than I was expecting. I did take a look at any links that were sent, just so you all know. And I read and re read each post. Every time I hear such encouraging words, I know that even though my family may not be here to stand beside me in whatever I choose in life, total strangers are. Gotta love the world nowadays lol. But a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.

I do know that I CAN wait for transitioning, but it is such a tough choice because if I make the decision to do it while I am younger, (cause I am only 18- legal age in some of Canada where I live  ) because then I can still get a bit taller, and maybe look a bit less wimpy. But, when the time is right I will know.

Also, just to add some insight, can a person truly be transgendered if they are not comfortable with their chest, or their "cycle", but still be okay with all the bits downstairs?

Quote from: paganarwen on February 04, 2013, 03:22:37 AM
Also, just to add some insight, can a person truly be transgendered if they are not comfortable with their chest, or their "cycle", but still be okay with all the bits downstairs?

Sure can! There are more guys who don't get bottom surgery than do. It all depends on someone's level of dysphoria. If you're good with it then that's fine. It's your body and you shouldn't let other people's choices effect your own.

Also, Transgender is a huge umbrella term that includes transsexuals, gender fluid, etc. There are people who identify as gender neutral but have top surgery only (no hormones/no bottom). There are a lot of variations in the trans community. Don't feel like you need to pigeon hole yourself in any way.

Wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

Quote from: Simon on February 04, 2013, 04:05:39 AM
Sure can! There are more guys who don't get bottom surgery than do. It all depends on someone's level of dysphoria. If you're good with it then that's fine. It's your body and you shouldn't let other people's choices effect your own.

Also, Transgender is a huge umbrella term that includes transsexuals, gender fluid, etc. There are people who identify as gender neutral but have top surgery only (no hormones/no bottom). There are a lot of variations in the trans community. Don't feel like you need to pigeon hole yourself in any way.

Wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

I agree with that.

In fact it occurred to me that you might look up gender fluid. This is someone who is transgender (remember it's the umbrella term) and sometimes feels male and sometimes female. I have found that sometimes people take a in between status until they get stuff figured out and some people actually are in between, if that make sense.

--Jay