Cliff notes version:

-Starting at age 5 I inexplicably wanted to transform into a girl and I would daydream about it all of the time

-The thoughts subsided during my elementary school years and I had a normal male childhood, but it came back full force at puberty

-The thoughts turned sexual in nature

-Began cross dressing

-To cope with my desire to transform into a girl, I compartmentalized my transgender feelings into sexual fantasies.

-I've never been able to sexually fantasize about being a man in a relationship with a woman, I've always had to be the woman. This led to immense frustrating trying to "make the pieces fit," trying to force myself into the male role in heterosexual fantasies.

-I realized I had a huge problem at 18 and began therapy

-Psychiatrist has had me on every anti-depressant/anxiety in the book. Right now I'm on 4 (celexa, welbutrin, fanapt, and xanax)

-I've been to seven therapists. The gender therapist I saw for only 5 visits because I ran out of money, he seemed to think I was transgender.

-Depressed out of my mind. Not looking forward to anything in life, no hopes or dreams. Having panic attacks every night.

-At 20 I tried an HRT trial, but I got scared and was uncertain, so I quit after 20 days.

-Now at 21, the feelings feel unbearable being in a male body but having the desires to have a female body.

-Not trying to be crude, but to cope with my feelings, I have to sexually fantasize about being a woman multiple times a day just to get any relief.

-Binge eating to cope with my feelings, currently overweight

-I feel hopeless because these feelings are for life, there's no cure.

-I'm considering trying another HRT trial, but I'm not sure how things will be different this time. I'm not sure how I would know if it was right for me. When I would know in my heart that it was for me.

Advice?

You sound a lot like how I was.

Honestly I chose transition when the feelings became so bad I had to be female or die. Maybe you are at that point, I don't know. I do know for sure that if you want to transition you will find the courage to go through with it because to go back is death. I spent three months getting over my doubts during therapy before even starting HRT.

We all have our breaking point but only you know when that is and how to handle it. I for one am glad i'm doing it now in my 20's rather than 30 years from now with more responsibilities and people I could hurt.

Ultimately it's your decision and path.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:06:02 PM
-I'm considering trying another HRT trial, but I'm not sure how things will be different this time. I'm not sure how I would know if it was right for me. When I would know in my heart that it was for me.

I was on hormones about 5 years ago for around 6 months and got scared and stopped. Now I'm dying to get back on them again and my therapist is telling me I really need to be sure because an endo would be reluctant to keep re-prescribing them when I keep stopping like that. I don't know how true that is, but it kind of put the fear of god into me, like if I have another "I'm cured" moment, I may never get another chance. Haven't had one in awhile, but it doesn't mean it's not possible.

Well, why did you get scared and quit the first time? Answer that, and you can find the solution to your problem.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on February 01, 2013, 09:30:25 PM
You sound a lot like how I was.

Honestly I chose transition when the feelings became so bad I had to be female or die. Maybe you are at that point, I don't know. I do know for sure that if you want to transition you will find the courage to go through with it because to go back is death. I spent three months getting over my doubts during therapy before even starting HRT.

We all have our breaking point but only you know when that is and how to handle it. I for one am glad i'm doing it now in my 20's rather than 30 years from now with more responsibilities and people I could hurt.

Ultimately it's your decision and path.

It feels like I'm at my breaking point right now. I'm on 4 different anti-depressants/anxieties and I still have major depression and anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of times it feels like I'm in a living death state.

Quote from: DianaP on February 01, 2013, 09:48:58 PM
Well, why did you get scared and quit the first time? Answer that, and you can find the solution to your problem.

Well I knew that the hormones would start to change my body and that I probably shouldn't continue unless I was 100% certain, or else I might have irreversible changes (breast growth). I got scared that I might not be transgender.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:58:32 PM
It feels like I'm at my breaking point right now. I'm on 4 different anti-depressants/anxieties and I still have major depression and anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of times it feels like I'm in a living death state.

All I know is that after a short time on hormones I've dropped all of my anti anxiety and depression meds. However i'm also on the warpath with my dysphoria. In my mind there is no going back and to some extent that gives me happiness. Every change in my body is exciting, there is no fear but exhilaration. Every day I envision a positive future and every roadblock I must face I conquer in my mind a thousand times before I will meet it.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:58:32 PM
It feels like I'm at my breaking point right now. I'm on 4 different anti-depressants/anxieties and I still have major depression and anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of times it feels like I'm in a living death state.

I got scared that I might not be transgender.

Well, those fears are unwarranted. It doesn't take a licensed therapist to see that you have a serious gender issue.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:06:02 PM


-I feel hopeless because these feelings are for life, there's no cure.

-I'm considering trying another HRT trial, but I'm not sure how things will be different this time. I'm not sure how I would know if it was right for me. When I would know in my heart that it was for me.

Advice?

Kia Ora Ultimus ,

Feel the fear and do it anyway...What have you got to lose ? Only your feeling of depression-which if you give HRT time to work into your system, it's quite possible your depression will gradually dissipate...

Many here so I have read, have experienced similar effect 'side effects' once they started HRT...That is, their depression diminished over time...

You have nothing to fear but fear itself...Give HRT time to work its magic....

Metta Zenda

So do you all think that I should do another hormone trial and see if it helps with my near-suicidal depression?

.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 02:48:22 PM
So do you all think that I should do another hormone trial and see if it helps with my near-suicidal depression?

Well you might as well give it a shot if your near suicidal.

I can kinda relate to your story, I was on hrt when I was 18 for like a year then stopped because I didn't want to be a "->-bleeped-<-" and knew that no matter what I did I would never really be female. I did however feel very happy on hrt but I just couldn't couldn't accept the fact that I was a fake woman and not a biological woman. Honestly I still haven't come to terms with that and my dysphoria seems to have gotten worse. I think you should at least try it out but be aware that transitioning isn't a cure it's just a way to ease some of the dysphoria.

Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 03:30:56 PM
Like anti-depressants, you may start feeling more depressed and anxious from HRT for a month or two.

Anyway, what makes you think you aren't really transgender? Like, how does your thought process go?

Well, my fear is that this is just a sexual thing and that I'm not really transgender because I experience arousal imagining myself as a woman.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 03:49:14 PM
I experience arousal imagining myself as a woman.

Well, does your arousal just come from imagining your female self, or is there someone there boning that female version of you? 

Makes a difference.

.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 03:49:14 PM
Well, my fear is that this is just a sexual thing and that I'm not really transgender because I experience arousal imagining myself as a woman.

Here this might help

http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Read down where it explains the different types of transsexuals, you sound like you could fit into group 3 or "G3" type of transsexual. I think at one time these types transsexuals were called autogynephilics.

Quote from: DianaP on February 02, 2013, 03:55:47 PM
Well, does your arousal just come from imagining your female self, or is there someone there boning that female version of you? 

Makes a difference.

Both. I imagine myself as a female, but then I also imagine myself having sex with men as a female.

Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 04:01:08 PM
Would you want to be gendered as female by people, like strangers at places, and just other general life things? As in, not just dressing up without passing, but wanting to be seen and thought of as one.

That would be fine with me. It's more about finding inner peace for me, and not about what other people think about me.

Quote from: PoisonEnvy on February 02, 2013, 04:10:19 PM
Here this might help

http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Read down where it explains the different types of transsexuals, you sound like you could fit into group 3 or "G3" type of transsexual. I think at one time these types transsexuals were called autogynephilics.

I have read that horrifying article several times in the past. I am most definitely a G3. It's scary to think how my life might progress as the article suggests if I don't do something.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 04:24:28 PM
Both. I imagine myself as a female, but then I also imagine myself having sex with men as a female.

Well, I don't think that getting turned on by an image of you having sex as yourself makes you non-trans. I for one can't picture myself as a guy in my fantasies because it grosses me out. It would be the same if I imagined I turned into a sea crab or something.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:06:02 PM
-Psychiatrist has had me on every anti-depressant/anxiety in the book. Right now I'm on 4 (celexa, welbutrin, fanapt, and xanax)

-I've been to seven therapists. The gender therapist I saw for only 5 visits because I ran out of money, he seemed to think I was transgender.

The psychiatrist still has his license? Seems to me (but you'll get no confirmation or denial on this from the med community) that anti-depressants don't do anything to help gender dysphoria.  I've been on 2 of the 4 (Celexa and Wellbutrin) -- neither really helped, unless you count Celexa sending me into mania as "helping."

Seems to me (as a non-pro, with a strong bias) that you already know the answers to what's behind the depression, and that medicating the symptoms is not likely to do much good, even in quadruplicate.

All I can hope is that some day medicos finally begin to wake up and give up on some of their dismissive theories that make it hard for us to get what we need except by demanding it directly.  Hope you can find a way to afford the gender therapist, and use cognitive techniques to manage the depression in the meantime.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 04:24:28 PM
That would be fine with me. It's more about finding inner peace for me, and not about what other people think about me.

I have read that horrifying article several times in the past. I am most definitely a G3. It's scary to think how my life might progress as the article suggests if I don't do something.

Then it seems you know what you have to do then. 

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