Hello!
As I have just joined your board, I thought I would introduce myself. It turns out it's harder to think what to say in an introduction than I thought though! I haven't had cause to articulate my thoughts on gender recently, so you'll have to bear with me while I try to write something that makes some kind of sense. (and despite trying not to write a biopic it still turned out longer than I was hoping, sorry!)
I can tell you it's a subject that has been on my mind since... forever... or at least as long as I can remember. I 'came out' as MTF in my teens. That was a good couple of decades ago now though. I haven't transitioned. So, what has happened since then and why haven't you transitioned I guess you may be wondering.
Well, the first part is easy: life happened.
The second part I have had to pause and think about though, but I think I would summarise it like this: I think circumstance, life experience, knowledge of the 'trans world'(?), learning about myself and being a very easy going laid back kind of person, has brought me to the point where although the dysphoric feelings are probably as strong as they ever were – (barely a minute goes by where I'm not aware of them and there are still days where I long to appear female so much I feel my mind may just dribble out my ears (lol)) - I think, that somewhere along the line, I came to the realization that there are no panaceas for such things and, whether I physically appear to the world to be male, female or space alien, mental peace and well being can only come from within.
Which brings me to how I hold all these things together in my mind and, I think, it's by not trying to tie myself down and define myself as any one thing – I am just me. You could think of it (and this might sound a little strange) as being a little like Q from Star Trek (this inspired the choice of username): not definable in this plane, lol... I may imagine myself as Old Man Time with a big bushy beard looking down on the world, but at the same time as Ygritte (a wildling woman from the TV version of Game of Thrones) striding through the mountains. I can be all these things and more in my mind and there is no need to define myself as anything – everything is just aspects of myself. If I was Q I would snap my fingers and change my form to physically be whatever I wanted at the time, but I'm not so I'm stuck with my physical body. I try to learn to accept what I can't change though, as suffering only comes from wanting what we can't have.
But that's all just my attempt at articulating how I have learnt to deal with dysphoric feelings for you, so far.
So, I'm not seeking to change anything and by and large I'm happy with life. I am always seeking to learn and grow though, and I was thinking recently that it'd be nice, from time to time, to be able to discuss this subject with people who might understand what I'm talking about, or at least to be able to say, 'you know, I was thinking da da da today', other than by talking to myself... I was perusing your forum and I like that you have a broad range of people with different experiences and perspectives – so I thought I'd spend a little while here. Not really sure how much I actually have to say, but there you go!
You're probably all now thinking... 'ummm, what??'... lol – it's not easy stuff to explain though; If I didn't explain myself well enough you'll have to let me know.
Oh, I should probably also say, in case you are wondering what pronouns to use – given the choice, online, I would pick female.
