I have to maintain my man suit side of myself and how I struggle with this. I so desperately want to femme out and go out and say this is me so deal with it, but the reality is the damage I would do to my wife, kids and family restrains me. I think that having a time when I could go out as the real me would help but on the other hand it may feed my desire to just be Kelli 24/7. I am having a hard time with this and any input would be helpful.
On a side note the family is going shopping tonight at Kohl's and the first thought through my head is to pick up some sexy panties, new hose, and some pants and blouse outfits. I am such a girl. smh

I think many will empathise with you.

You have put your family first. You did the right thing. You did what you had to. Yes, it hurts, but family is sacrifice.

Remember, it's about who you are inside. Women have been known to stand in front of wild animals to protect their families. If they hadn't, humans would be here now.

You did the right thing and I for one and proud of you.

Hopefully the day will come when you sill be able to become your feminine self fulltime. I am fortunate that my daughters are adults now and understand me.  Do go to Kohls if you can. The best hose I have found were purchased at Kohls.

I don't know about dual identities, but dual personalities are a definite yes.

This is Diana. 

This is Whipsmart Mccoy! 

All jesting aside, I'd say that you're most likely going to go full time anyway, so you might as well rip off the bandage. If people can't stand you doing something completely innocuous in order to be happy, that's their problem.

yes it's an everyday battle,i almost hate my male body because inside i'm a girl

thank you all for your comments. I guess I just need a place where I can femme out completely once in awhile. I will continue to lead a dual life, and be as much me as I can be.

I'm going to suggest something I bet you didn't know about yourself. I think it's very likely that the "dual identity" thing isn't as much for the sake of the people around you as for yourself. The very effort to force oneself into what you call your "man suit side" is what feeds your the inordinate satisfaction you receive from things like "sexy panties".

I've been down this road and come out of it. There's no special power to clothing-- it's just cloth. If you really want to create a life for yourself in which you may enjoy a more feminine identity, consider stopping with the games and make it real. What if you simply started dressing a bit more femininely than a "man suit"-- and did a gradual wardrobe transition? What if you began dressing in a more or less androgynous way? What if you grew out your hair or got your ears pierced? If anyone asks about it you could explain that you feel more yourself this way. Believe me, people are far more likely to accept this approach than to suddenly run into you dressed to the nines one day. I suspect these suggestions are not very appealing, though. There's no instant thrill factor. But trust me, over the long term you're going to have to find a way to deal with who you are. When you begin integrating your feminine identity into your whole life, the short term thrill factor goes away, but the and lasting happiness is possible.

~ Lyric ~

Again thank you for the advice. I have considered all the options to the situation. I am just now beginning to be comfortable to even allow a peek of who I am really to come out. I know they are just clothes and that is all. The point is however I have enjoyed wearing women's clothing more than men's since I was very young. I however am in a spot now that to become fully who I am would do untold damage. I don't know if this makes me a coward or courageous. Only time will tell, but I thank you all for your help.

I still have somewhat of a dual identity. I started getting worried at one point about whether or not it was possible to develop a split personality from maintaining them both for too long. The more I stopped fighting all this and just accept it, the more I started to see the two personalities merge. I do have two distinctly different dress styles depending on where I'm going, but for the most part I'm not two different people anymore. It's more like I'm modeling men's clothes for my day job and getting back into my normal ones at night. And even with the dress code, I'm trying to combine them into a more androgyne style so I can focus more on important things, like actually learning to be happy.

One of the relievers for my GID when I was pre hrt was:
1. Letting my hair grow super long.
2. Let my nails grow out some(ie.fingernails at times.
3. Do facial electrolysis(ie.for more permanent GID relief)
4. Do body electrolysis(ie.for the most permanent GID relief)
5. Start hrt(ie. for crossing the line permanent relief of GID and thinkiing of myself only).

Number 1 and 2 is reversible, 3 and 4 should not impact your relationship with your loved one much, just always will be clean shaven. Number 5 is the most definite game changer in relationships, it will change how you smell, mental and definitely changes. Just take note, that Number 1 leads to number 4, and over time, all have less of an effect, so be careful of the slippery slope.

Hope this helps.

Lucia,
P.S. FWIW, I symphatize with your plight, it took me 44 years(ie.45 years to do something about my GID)and I had no family or children, only myself. Now my girlfriend knows of my GID, since I told her at the beginning of my relationship with her. Funny thing, my girlfriend wont' let go of my "battlefield hardened" image of my former marine self, I just let her have that, I understand she was first attracted to that first, same with my best marine pal, they cannot accept my femdom. Of course there are other things attracted my girlfriend was attracted, my other masculine accomplishments, but it comes with the territory of living so long as "Mr. Man" as my best bud and girfriend call it, oh well.

I thank you all for the advice and support. It is wonderful to be here. I was thinking of starting to shave my legs. My wife is against this but it would go a long way in helping me combine myself into the one person I want to be. How does one go about getting the laser hair removal? Are we talking the "No-No" or something more medical?

I found epilating to be the best way for me. The downside is that sometimes there will be ingrown hairs and that drives me mad. I don't find epilating the legs hurts anymore.
And currently i'm doing 1 to 4, 5 coming soon...

Well I made a small change today, I shaved my legs, knees up only. I will give my wife time to adjust to this before shaving the rest. Then I bought some cute grey trousers to wear at work. They are women's trousers but with the sweater top I am wearing it is not to noticeable to anyone but me. (I hope). Oh and I bought a pair of black ones as well.

Well I am an hour into work and nobody has noticed! My fears are subsiding and I just might have found myself. I want to thank everyone for their encouragement and support even thought this is a small step you help me to make it! Thank you!

Quote from: kellizgirl on February 05, 2013, 08:02:37 AM
Well I am an hour into work and nobody has noticed! My fears are subsiding and I just might have found myself. I want to thank everyone for their encouragement and support even thought this is a small step you help me to make it! Thank you!

You'll find that with something like body hair, the only people that will "care" enough to say anything, will be people you've known as friends or family for a long time. The rest simply don't think to look or they don't care.

Wish I could say the same thing about nail polish. I tried clear nail polish to work once under the same assumption and within about 30 seconds of walking in the door, I found myself explaining that it was something to keep me from biting my nails. Everybody noticed that.

All the items in the subject line will (and I'm testament to this)  go completely unnoticed in most every environment.   I've always had my legs,  etc shaven and used matte nail strengthener for the longest time,  nobody ever noticed or commented.   I bike so maybe that's just weird enough so they don't question anything else;-)   

On a whim last week,  and I'm sure you all have considered this,  I had my eyebrows threaded.  She did a great job for a female, very trim and beautifully arched.   I had expected her to hold off some but she went full bore.   

Now I'm a Caucasian and have brown hair so it's not as if my eyebrows aren't visible so I was expecting ay least my wife to notice and comment.  Nope,  just a big nothing in the noticing department.   

Female dress pants,  particularly if you wear sweaters,  female sweaters and shirts/blouses especially Chicos,  loafers and trouser socks will,  provided you keep up those awkward movements and gruff voice,  go completely unnoticed.   I promise.   The goal is not to look "fem" and in your early twenties (unless that's where you are) but to feel happier while looking professional.   It's silly,  dressing so nobody notices, maybe but that's what most middle aged gg do whether that's their intent or not.   

I bought a living social electrolysis coupon so following up on laser is the next step.   It's such a relief to not feel whiskers and your skin looks so much healthier. 

So long as your actions are subtle and calculated and your intent is happiness not to be Der Struwwelpeter the middle ground of calm and respite is much greener and expansive than it might seem.

Quote from: Lyric on February 03, 2013, 03:37:57 PM
I've been down this road and come out of it. There's no special power to clothing-- it's just cloth. If you really want to create a life for yourself in which you may enjoy a more feminine identity, consider stopping with the games and make it real. What if you simply started dressing a bit more femininely than a "man suit"-- and did a gradual wardrobe transition? What if you began dressing in a more or less androgynous way? What if you grew out your hair or got your ears pierced? If anyone asks about it you could explain that you feel more yourself this way.

Ditto what she said. Not that it hasn't been traumatic in many ways for me to get rid of the vestiges of "guy mode" that felt, for me, like a prison and a lie, and thus a huge source of anxiety and self-hatred and self-hurting that did no one in my life much good.  But you have built a life of sorts based on that lie, and a more gradual approach may be the thing that works best, at least in terms of finding out who your real friends and supporters are, who you can trust, and moving more in a direction of finding acceptance from those who are able to accept the "real you" -- I only recently came out more fully to a fairly large group of friends, but I have to think that the fact that I'd been living androgynously for decades made my more overt coming out far less of a surprise to my friends than it would have been otherwise.

I'm not sure there's a perfect path, given that we live in an imperfect culture that tries much of the time to just pretend that we don't exist (and that many of us find ourselves conspiring with to maintain that cruel fiction).  At some point, I predict, you are likely to find that you have no other choice than to come out to at least those people who are most important in your life, and deal with the consequences from there.

Well I went ahead and completely shaved my legs this morning. I don't know how my wife will take the news but I really like the way I look with them shaved. I forgot how different this feels, I like this I don't want to go back.

I struggle all the time, sometimes I just want to scream. I am a big guy and pretty hairy buy my wife wouldn't understand and likes the fur. Before we met I shaved my legs once and my stockings felt wonderful, I have always wondered what my cloths would feel like without all the hair.

I know that there are times when I NEED to wear something feminine and that usually consists of lingerie or pantyhose under my cloths and I feel mentally rejuvenated.

After my divorce, when I came out to my first wife, I dressed regularly and even went to some support groups. I miss the ability for the option to dress openly at home when I need to...

When it comes to shaving, to me it's more hygeninic. No more greasy nasty feeling after sweating. Not even going to mention the stink aspects of it.