I am 43 years old, and 2 years ago I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem.  When I was really young I knew something was wrong, I cross dressed since I was 6  I tried to stop on numerous occasions throughout my life. I wanted to be girl, I even wanted to grow up to be Debora Harry.  When friends and I played our pretend games, I was Princess when we played Battle of the Planets, Morgan from 240 Robert, Wilma from Buck Rogers, Bat-girl... you get the picture.  In High school I struggled with depression over not being female, I was the geeky queer boy, pseudo goth, but I wasn't homosexual.  I was definitely attracted only to girls.  God knows how I got through that time.  I married, Divorced and Married again, been in the military and have led a very typical masculine life: on the outside.  Inside I was screaming in pain and I didn't know why.  I would cross dress in secret and or some reason I felt comfortable and at peace.  I would try to quit cross-dressing and was successful on many occasions however, stress loads would increase for some reason or other and back into a pair of panties I would be.  soon I would be out looking for clothes and then a place to hide them.

I met the woman who became my best friend and fell in love with her.  I married her 4 years later but never told her my secret, my deepest shame.  (I still haven't).  I was able to keep things under control and I was successful for a long time, then crisis hit us, she had a herniated disk requiring surgery, developed heart problems and lost her job.  Her mother moved into our basement and our then 24 year old son was still living at home and didn't want to leave or get a job.  I needed comfort and peace to get through it all and that Is when I finally admitted to myself that I have gender dysphoria, and I have had it all my life, I have it to the point that I've never really been able to deal with the presence of parts of my body.  at that time all of my past caught up to me with a vengeance but I was still able to keep it a secret,  I did find a couple people who I could talk to about it and I was able to get through that time.  (My wife still does not know of this)  Now It's back again and it's getting harder and harder to deal with.  I don't want to transition, I Love my wife and my sons, My marriage is of utmost importance to me but I am having problems coping with my desires and urges to dress. I try to hide my discomfort when my wife and I are intimate but I know it sometimes feels to me as if I'm working unfamiliar equipment left handed and half blind.  I have had occasions when we've had to stop because I just couldn't go on.

I need help  I don't know where to turn and I am afraid this will eat me up inside.  Is anyone in a similar situation?  Any advice on how to cope?

Hi, yes and I can certainly empathize with you.  Pretty much the same age and feelings.  You need to find a good gender therapist to help you deal with it all and find the best path for you.  One thing that helped me was realizing that there was a choice between me being miserable all the time trying to please others and thusly guarantee that everyone else would be pulled down into that forever, or I could be happy and everyone would be miserable for a short while and then they would adjust based on their capacity/choices on how to deal with it.

It will eat you up if you don't address it.  As you know, ignoring it or pushing it to the background does not make it go away, it only comes back worse.  You need someone to help guide you through it, it's very easy to have things blow up in your face if you come out the wrong way (I know from experience.)  You have a medical condition which is easily treatable, please don't suffer trying to protect or shelter others from what you need to do to make you healthy!

Hi Honey,

First welcome. You are no longer alone.

There are many people here who have faced similar problems and I think we can help!

A brutal facts, that I think you know. GID is real, it isn't a phase, it isn't a joke, it isn't a choice. There is no cure. Except to be the gender you are. I was born looking like a male. I'm female. Simple. I have with aid of my medical team corrected the physical errors. I now live female I'm known as me, I have nothing to hide.

I have a wife who is totally dependent upon me due to her physical disabilities. I love her. I will never leave her.

Your love for your wife and family is totally normal.

The two may not be incompatible.

You really do need the help of a professional gender therapist.

They are available, I think that you are in the USA, I'm in Australia BTW, there are good therapists available and we can help you find them.

There is nothing to be frightened about, you have people to talk to. We are family and we are very used to these situations as many many of us are from the same background.

So you can calm down and breathe !

Oh BTW I'm Cindy 


You are now part of the Susan family, so lets start to talk the issues through. There is no hurry, there is no time table, there is no reason to be alone.

Hugs

Cindy

Wish ... listen to Cindy!

Welcome    AwishForXX, the only way you differ from me, is my wife finally knows.

Otherwise your post sounds just like me.

I am married and I have no desire to not be married and I like her just fine as she is and I have no interest in changing any of my relationship.

I have an adult son (18) and he is everything to me in the world.

My mom is not in my home, but she is in my life, she also knows. My son is still finding himself as well, and of course I worry that some of my life's oddness might mess up his world of course.

I wish I could say 'tell her' but I am not sure if that would help or harm. It's one of those situations where hindsight is fine but it
requires it be old news.

But you are not alone. And you have people here that are going through nearly identical challenges.

Thank you ladies,

I'm in Canada in fact in BC our medical system has things in place to help those transitioning, however in the lower mainland where I live there are two authorities that manage these programs.  The Vancouver regional Health and the Fraser Health Authority. while Vancouver Health is the organization with all the resources and aid, I live in the region administered by Fraser Health and the attitude here is if you ant help you'll have to move north of the river.  My Wife and sons do not know about my struggles nor does my mother in law who lives in our basement suite.  However one of my brothers and his wife do know but they are in a different province as is my Mother, and one of my Aunt who are also in the know.  (my coming out to them was easier because we are not face to face and do not see each other on a daily basis.)  I fear that this issue will continue to get worse over time as it seems to have in the past.  My feelings of both physical and mental dysphoria keep waxing and waning but each time they come back they seem to be stronger. 

With no disposable income and no insurance that will cover a therapist I fear that simply seeing a therapist will out me to my immediate family and put too much of a strain on our relationship.  and yes Leslie, I fear that telling my wife right now would cause harm.

Does anyone have any advice for coping until I can figure out how to arrange to see a therapist.  I have not been able to dress in many years now and I no longer have the wardrobe I did before I remarried.  All I have is a few undergarments that I can wear during the day and a few others that I can wear when alone for short periods.  sometimes I find that I can manage the physical dysphoria with a few tricks I've picked up over the years to control offending parts but it is sometimes not enough.

Well we are always here to provide what support we can. At least you have us to talk to.

Quote from: AwishForXX on February 06, 2013, 03:28:11 PMDoes anyone have any advice for coping until I can figure out how to arrange to see a therapist.  I have not been able to dress in many years now and I no longer have the wardrobe I did before I remarried.  All I have is a few undergarments that I can wear during the day and a few others that I can wear when alone for short periods.  sometimes I find that I can manage the physical dysphoria with a few tricks I've picked up over the years to control offending parts but it is sometimes not enough.

Having been in a similar situation for all my life I did develop a few tricks. I also had a bit more leniency with my wife (#2) who knew of my hobby from day 1.

The main tools that got me through 30+ years of attempting to be "Normal" after twice giving up my transition experiments I call the 3Ds. They are Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial. The denial part comes easier if you keep yourself super busy. You never get to dwell on your lot in life, much less an alternate reality like transitioning.

After having done it for 30+ years I wouldn't recommend it as a long term solution. You WILL be eaten up inside. It happens slowly, you never take notice until one day you wake up and realize you are no longer a person 

My other more minor trick was some ability to crossdress. Since my wife always knew it wasn't a major issue, but still an issue. Enough of one to bring on plenty of guilt and some shame over it and me. Even though that needed escape was perhaps once a month. Over time, thanks to the 3Ds, there was no real time available for that. Way too many other things needing to be done. My fallback was being able to freely wear panties every day. Support hose was even encouraged by my wife because of my badly vericosed veins.

Thanks Joanne,

I have the Denial part of it down pat I think, I've been doing that for so long now, even to myself.  Diversions and Distractions will have to be developed I think,  my diversions have typically taken the form of reading and gaming as of late. I play a lot of RPG games on my computer thanks to my son who introduced me to Oblivion a few years back, I'm now heavily into game modding and 3D graphics but of course every character I play is female, and every piece of armour or clothing I've done has been for female PCs.  I think I'll have to develop some other distractions. 

I have made an appointment for next week to see my family doctor to find out if I can get a referral to a psychiatrist who deals with gender issues rather than a psychologist.  the reasoning there is in BC and most of the rest of Canada, a psychologist is not covered by our medical system but a psychiatrist, being an MD first is covered.

C.

Welcome and Hugs.

I am 50 and coming to accept myself too. There is plenty of self inflicted pain, loss of memory, dirversions, alcoholism, drugs, self hatrid , body hatrid, complete remorse for not being me earlier in my life.  I have a wife and daughter, I am alive because of them. Now I am strraight edge and exercise every night, the nedorphins are outstanding.

I have a 1/month therapist paid for by health care and a weekly therapist ( they have worked together) I pay for out of pocket.

I am Trans and Bi. I go to a LGBT center and a LGBTQ center. I am starting to look forward and excited to go to therapy ( I was so sared for nothing). I have a plan to talk with my wife. I have the opening conversation and I am getting stronger to be able to tell her.

I love my wife and daughter and I do not want to hurt anyone, even myself ( except for extreame exercise).

I have lived much of your similar pain and suffering and I need to stop and change. I do not know if a full transition is in my future but I am open to feeling good and experiancing joy, my future is going to be a ride.