For the longest time, I thought I was a FTM transsexual.  I despise my body and feel like it doesn't fit me, I picture myself as a boy automatically whenever I'm mentioned,  I prefer being called a male, I have dreams where whenever I'm a boy I'm happier, I get an energy boost and a lot more confidence when I bind, I get jealous of my brothers, etc. 

But then I read about transitioning (taking HRT and having surgery) and I freeze up.  I'm not sure I want to do something so drastic.  I have no idea if it'd be a mistake.  What if I'm wrong?  What if I'm fine the way I am and I mess up?  What if I'm not really trans?  Maybe I'm just a huge lesbian?  I feel so alone because everybody who is trans transitions.  Those who don't transition, do it because they don't have the money, not by choice.  My few trans friends are all transitioning, people on here are transitioning, everywhere is the same.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I don't know what I am.  Am I male or female?  Why can't I just accept being female?  Why does it bother me so?  Why can't I just transition and be happy?  Thinking about having a male body does make me happy, but I could be horribly mistaken. 

I guess the obvious answer is to go to a therapist, but I'm terrified.  I have no idea what to say or how to act.  I'm just so confused and stressed.  I don't belong anywhere and nobody can seem to help me.

Being transgender isn't about transitioning. It's about finding who you are and what makes you comfortable. Don't look at it like "so and so is doing this or that", you've got to do what is right for you. You'll be the one living with the results of the decisions you made.

I think it is good to really consider your options and what you want to do with your life before doing anything drastic. Medically transitioning is a drastic step. It's not for everyone nor should it be.

I can only speak for myself but medically transitioning was the only way I could see any hope for myself. I don't think there is anything wrong with being female, it's just not who I am. If there was a way that I could have remained female bodied and be happy I would have. If that is an option for you, you should explore it.

Yes, I would recommend seeing a therapist that is knowledgeable about transgender issues. There isn't any reason to be terrified of seeing a therapist. You go in and they ask you things. It's their job to break the ice, not yours.   

Like Simon said, find what's comfortable for you right now.  I've been coming here and considering transitioning for years now, but I haven't taken any steps to medically transition beyond taking a few dietary supplements and talking to a counselor.  I don't really feel the need to right now.  Although I wish my voice was lower, I'm comfortable with the way I am right now.  In the future, my feelings might change, but for now, I present female in most situations but, besides that dang voice, I pass 100% male with strangers, so I'm happy with the way my body looks, everyone but my immediate family calls me the right name, I dress the way I want and I'm just satisfied being sort of "in between" right now, even if I don't like the awkwardness it sometimes creates.

But no pressure.  Do as much or as little as you feel comfortable at any given moment.

Other people gave good advice.

You might take a look at the androgyne forum here. It is quite possible to be in the middle somewhere (though I think that is not a very good explanation of it).

I think therapy would be helpful to you, it was very much so to me. I have been rather surprised that I was NOT in the middle.

There is no rush, it could take you months or even years to decide who you are and this is all ok.

It's possible you aren't really transsexual but you are certainly transgender. Otoh, it might just be fear making you freeze up. But pushing yourself to a decision is definitely not advisable.


--Jay

*waves* I'm not transitioning. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm transsexual, but I'm just not into surgery, or being on hormones the rest of my life, or even changing my name and living my life as male in society's eyes. There's certain things I want, and I'm trying to figure out how to obtain, but I definitely can relate to the feeling of "not belonging". I've personally gotten some of the, "oh you can't be trans if you don't want to transition" nonsense and even some, "oh you can't be male if you don't want everything that comes with that". Amazing how judgmental some people can be. Thankfully, most people here are not like that and that's the only reason why I keep coming back to Susan's.

Like everyone else already said, you just have to explore who YOU, personally, are. You don't have to fit your whole life and body and brain into a tidy little box with a label on it. I highly doubt that anyone can really do that. People are diverse and no two are alike. Certain groups might have commonalities and can bond on certain levels. It may feel comforting to be part of a group or even to have a label, but you still have to figure out what's best for you, and you alone.

Thanks for the replies, guys.  I finally got a job so I'll be seeing a therapist soon to hopefully sort this all out.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on February 05, 2013, 11:01:26 PM
*waves* I'm not transitioning. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm transsexual, but I'm just not into surgery, or being on hormones the rest of my life, or even changing my name and living my life as male in society's eyes. There's certain things I want, and I'm trying to figure out how to obtain, but I definitely can relate to the feeling of "not belonging". I've personally gotten some of the, "oh you can't be trans if you don't want to transition" nonsense and even some, "oh you can't be male if you don't want everything that comes with that". Amazing how judgmental some people can be. Thankfully, most people here are not like that and that's the only reason why I keep coming back to Susan's.

Like everyone else already said, you just have to explore who YOU, personally, are. You don't have to fit your whole life and body and brain into a tidy little box with a label on it. I highly doubt that anyone can really do that. People are diverse and no two are alike. Certain groups might have commonalities and can bond on certain levels. It may feel comforting to be part of a group or even to have a label, but you still have to figure out what's best for you, and you alone.

I think you're the first person I've seen to not be transitioning.  It makes me feel better there are others out there .  It just feels like there is pressure to transition since everybody does so.  It feels like it's almost required otherwise you're a freak or something.  I'm glad to see there are open minded people here, it's really cool

Hey Moon,

I am not on T or had any surgeries yet. I do really want to transition, but there's also part of me that doesn't. I kind of have some personal/somewhat religious views on being "natural"  and all that type of stuff, so while I do want to transition that other part of me says "wait, maybe you're supposed to live this life as a female" and sometimes I think I should just stick it out and maybe just do the name change, and bind forever and just never really quite fit into either M or F.

So don't worry, there's other people who aren't entirely jumping onto the medically transitioning thing that quickly either. There's a lot to think about, so just spend some time exploring all the available options. Like, you can get top surgery without being on hormones; or you can just take hormones for a brief period and then get off, or try just working out a lot to get a more masculine physique without taking hormones or having surgery.

Hello, I'm sort of in this boat too.

My bottom line is that I would love for society to see me as male, but I'm really unsure at this point how far I will need to go to do it. If all it took was a  name change and binding, I might be in. But it looks like my voice might forever out me if I take that route. I'm one of the (few?) contemplating taking T for  just as long as it takes to feel comfy with my voice and all those other things that come with it, but I'm not looking to zoom to the manliest male end of the spectrum.  I'm a pretty femme guy, maybe just to male side of androgyne. I do want to be read as male though.

Anyways at this point I"m taking it in baby steps. I'm going by a male name now, though it isn't officially changed. So far that feels great, so I might officially change it next. Then I'll think more about T, etc etc. The only thing certain to me at this point is that masculinization is definitely the correct direction...how far though, I dunno.

In my opinion, it will never make sense to me why someone is male would hesitate to not let their body be controlled by female hormones, but to each their own - not my life, I guess.

Quote from: MoonWolf on February 08, 2013, 09:06:27 AM
Thanks for the replies, guys.  I finally got a job so I'll be seeing a therapist soon to hopefully sort this all out.

I think you're the first person I've seen to not be transitioning.  It makes me feel better there are others out there .  It just feels like there is pressure to transition since everybody does so.  It feels like it's almost required otherwise you're a freak or something.  I'm glad to see there are open minded people here, it's really cool

I think a lot of people just get to a point where they just can't handle life without transitioning. And that's okay of course, for that particular person. It shouldn't be something someone else pressures you into doing though. At the end of the day, I know I'm male, no matter what the world sees. I've already lived decades in this body and have built a life and an awesome career, etc. If the potential was offered to me when I was 16 or something I might have snapped it up, but I wouldn't have really trusted 16 year old me to make big decisions that would have effected the rest of my life either. Honestly I'm to the point now that even if I can work it out so that my appearance is even more visually male (right now I'm pretty andro) that would please me, and I really wouldn't care much if I was still living my life the way I always have been (with my female name, etc.) I've already been through that part of my life where it seriously mattered to me that society as a whole treated me as male (and oddly enough, for the most part, I lived the early part of my life being raised as/treated as male or gender neutral). Almost didn't make it through that, but I did and I feel like I evolved as a person through all that. Still not female at all, but I'm less upset by society calling me one. I still have the body issues, which I'm working on. If I can just get cool with myself in that department I think that's all I really need. However, I think I'm more of a rare case, as most people do go on to transition.

Quote from: JasonRX on February 08, 2013, 01:36:21 PM
In my opinion, it will never make sense to me why someone is male would hesitate to not let their body be controlled by female hormones, but to each their own - not my life, I guess.

Fear, uncertainty, indecisiveness...there are a lot of reasons.

I applaud those who take their time and make sure everything is right for them. There is a sense of pressure in the trans community (especially online) to get on hormones. That is why those who question if it is right for them or not feel so isolated.

I understand those who pour over and analyze everything possible before starting hormones. The ones I don't understand are the ones who stop hormones due to unwanted effects or because they started without thinking things through.

As I have posted on a few occasions before, there is no single right way to transition, it can vary from not making any physical changes to  going to HRT and SRS.  If you have a dislike of your body and would prefer it was that of other than your birth gender it is fair to say you have a degree of Gender Dysphoria, but what you do about it is another matter, and one which only you can answer.   Also don't be concerned if you change your mind about something along the way.  It is what you need that is important.

As for therapists, just saying you are confused is a good starting point.  They should help you to ask yourself the right questions, and find the best answer for you.  If they tell you what you MUST do, then they are not doing their job. 

No matter how bad you think your story is, they will have heard far more extreme ones.
Just relax and be honest with yourself and things will become clearer, and remember nothing is going to happen in a hurry.

Karen.