I really, really hate when depression and anxiety kick in. My doctor is of the opinion that I probably do need medication, and I guess I am too. but what I hate the most is not knowing myself when I feel this way. It makes me question so many things I feel and I don't know what I really feel and what is a result of being in a depression.

Hard drive dying. I got my laptop used from a mac repair shop so maybe they'll give me a deal on a replacement. Or something. I don't have a normal job and I'm not in school and I don't use the computer for anything really important other than internet access, so at least I don't have a lot of files to back up. Still not fun.

I'm in the doghouse.

Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on February 08, 2013, 03:56:28 PM
I'm in the doghouse.

Sorry *hugs*

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 08, 2013, 04:02:42 PM
Sorry *hugs*

It's ok, I seem to have made it better by making peppermint tea for him. I did it to myself, to be honest.

It's rather annoying though that a friend has come round, so we can't talk and make up until she leaves. She also handed me a booklet about the upcoming Women's Festival and tried to sell me on going to a women only cookery class, even though she knows I'm trans. *facepalm*

I didn't sleep enough last night and now I'm a total waste at the office today.  I feel like I can't do anything.

I was being rather clever in class today, and the prof. called me 'one sharp lady!'

Sigh. What about this (gestures at self), looks even remotely "lady?"

Quote from: ford on February 08, 2013, 05:49:46 PM
I was being rather clever in class today, and the prof. called me 'one sharp lady!'

Sigh. What about this (gestures at self), looks even remotely "lady?"

Probably meant well by it, don't feel bad Ford, I'm a he most of the time, just go (sigh) and move on.

I was so tired that I literally almost fell asleep while teaching.

Quote from: Shantel on February 08, 2013, 06:09:07 PM
Probably meant well by it, don't feel bad Ford, I'm a he most of the time, just go (sigh) and move on.

You're right, I know they did. I just feel like it's more of a failing on my part.

Quote from: Caleb. on February 08, 2013, 06:44:47 PM
I was so tired that I literally almost fell asleep while teaching.

Even though it's Friday...Friday (your avatar has caused me to get that stuck in my head...thanks a bunch  )

Whoops, I almost forgot to get down today! Thanks for reminding me, Caleb!

First of all I have the plague.  Well, it may be a chest cold I'm not sure.

Second, I groggily opened the refrigerator and a bottle of bubbly wine dropped off the top shelf, popped its lid and rocketed across my apartment, spraying everything in sight- my home, my pants, my shirt, my eye.  Remember I have the plague, so I can barely stand up and I feel absolutely disgusting and I had to clean that mess up in that state, not to mention the wasted bottle of wine.  At least it was pretty funny.

Hugs Jen,

Truly, waking up with one of the colds or flues going about can feel like the plague     Hope you feel better soon

The bottle of bubbly is hilarious though     I've had a similar thing happen

Hugs

Post alcohol anxiety and I hate the difference between how I feel and how I act to fit in when I'm in male company, I hate being that "guy"

Sad about everything right now. I think having access to youtube videos is difficult for me emotionally. I can search for anything and there's music and imagery and I'm just not used to that much stimuli.

Of course I'm also sad that I'll be losing my computer any day now. For some reason I'm not anxious or on edge about it, just in mourning like it's already happened.

Enough to get me drunk for the first time in my life.

I miss Jannie. just seeing her smile on my screen made me feel so much better. When I was around her I felt I was the best person i could possibly be in that moment. If I had known she would have passed away, I'd have made sure to check my phone a bit more often so I wouldn't have missed as many of her chat invites.

my parents are stressed out which often means that I will in some way have to pay.

I ruined my t shot so my T is pretty low...almost all the oil leaked out, and that doesn't make me feel good at all.

I only have one person in this world who believes in me and it makes me sad because I have no idea at all how it's held up. We worked together, lost touch, dated for a month in 2011, broke up...didn't see eahc other until she needed me in the middle of last year. and now we're in touch again but not dating even though she wants me.

She's seen me trying to be a woman and she's seen me as a man.
She's seen my impassioned battles and she has seen my apathy
She's seen my convictions and she's seen my confusions
She's seen all my strongest points and she's seen me at my worst
I helped her deal with a-holes at work who wanted to take her down a peg by getting in her pants
the A-hole boyfriend who beat and tried to rape her
She kept me functioning for three months after my breakup. If it werent for her I'd not have even showered. While I functioned she still saw me flounder more than I ever have.

Yet she still loves me. I don't know how, because i have to deal with myself every day and i can't even do it. She's not afraid of my badness and she knows how to neutralize me when I need the help so badly. Like now I suppose but I won't harass her with this.

Broken little monster.

It's good to harass us and then put it on her later if we're not enough.

I don't even know exactly what is wrong with me. I feel like I am going crazy. SOMETHING triggered this. This never comes out of nowhere, this hasn't happened to me in years. Even during the breakup, I was grieving for sure, but I wasn't this way. Something brought this out and I don't have any idea what exactly.

As for her, she's a nice, normal girl. Family has its issues but they were very normal and stable her whole life. She's stable, smart, and successful in what she does. I guess in a way she has the nice girl next door thing going on. I'm so so scared that I am just going to ruin her.

I miss Jannie too. Not a day goes by now that I don't think of her. I lost my Big Sister, then my Little Sister lost her job and then I lost mine all in a row. And it doesn't upset me that I'm unemployed as much as the other two things. Jannie was such a flighty girl, always chasing a little bit of happiness. she was full of ideas and wanted her friends to come do these hair-brained schemes with her. Sometimes it was comical and at other times it was kind of tragic and heartbreaking. But, even when she had nothing but the stuff she could fit in her car, she never lost hope. Oh, she had depressive spells. And they could be dramatic and exaggerated, but I know that that's how she vented. She would often tell me to learn from her mistakes. How we managed to stay in touch all these years is kind of amazing because it was like being friends with a tornado. 
But, she and I looked out for one another because we didn't really have anyone else who understood what being trans was like until later on in life.

Anyway, I got yelled at by some crazy drunk woman who is Azmaria's friend. She told me that it was my fault I lost my job because I didn't fit in enough. And she had just met me 5 mins prior.  -_-

Quote from: Jen on February 08, 2013, 10:50:49 PM
First of all I have the plague.  Well, it may be a chest cold I'm not sure.

Second, I groggily opened the refrigerator and a bottle of bubbly wine dropped off the top shelf, popped its lid and rocketed across my apartment, spraying everything in sight- my home, my pants, my shirt, my eye.  Remember I have the plague, so I can barely stand up and I feel absolutely disgusting and I had to clean that mess up in that state, not to mention the wasted bottle of wine.  At least it was pretty funny.

I started to open a can of diced tomatoes that had a slightly bulging top and had to clean them off the ceiling, not fun at all! Get well Jen! (hugs)