I don't really know that I want to wait for my mother to take her sweet time in coming to accept it. So many things much worse and much weirder haven't been any problem to embrace for her, so why this? What is so important about keeping me this way, enough that when I said today that I still think my hair is too long, she screamed/asked if I wanted a haircut like a boy and hit me for "wanting to look even more like a freak". My whole life I've been called a freak and a weirdo, mocked for disabilities no one could diagnose until much later, alienated from family because of my parents. Does she really think I'll go shouting from the rooftops that I'm a transguy when I'm done transitioning? I'm not proud of it, just how I'm not proud of my heritage or the country I was born in. I didn't do anything to become this way. I really do want to let it roll off, but it's gotten to the point that I resent girls for being what I hate being, and guys for being what I so badly need to be. They treat me differently, and don't see me as one of the guys because I'm missing some things downstairs.
What makes the misgendering hurt so much is when people continuously get it right throughout a day, and I finally think that I can do this- until someone comes along and ruins the whole thing. I once asked a worker in a store three times not to call me ma'am, and it was like talking to a wall. My mother, of course, comes along and makes matters worse by proclaiming that I was her daughter and saying that I was the computer expert in the family and really just going on for hours. Every female pronoun felt like someone was simultaneously slicing my head with a chainsaw and violently grinding cheese graters into my ears. It fills me with anger and hate to be called female and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.
I feel like this clock is ticking in my head, because that ideal I dreamed of seems impossible now. The colleges all know me as female, and hordes of e-mail and snail mail alike come with my birth name, sometimes preceded by Ms. or Miss to just rub it in my face. At this rate, I have no chance of possibly being on T until something over four years from now when I leave for graduate school, and then I'll have to save up for so many things that it's mind-boggling and seems like a huge looming wall. I wish that I had said something years ago, maybe when this nightmare of puberty first started, but I was too scared and chalked it up to simply not wanting to grow up.
School is supposed to be for learning and interaction, to build skills and arm ourselves with knowledge for the real world. But I'm sitting here on a Friday, about to cry because I'll have to endure another day of walking around as a girl, followed by walking home in a blizzard to a home where I am forcefully known as a girl. The internet is really my only escape, and my mother wants to take it because I spend too much time on it. Ironic, considering she drowns her sorrows in soap operas almost 24/7.
I lose sleep over this and struggle to do crazy amounts of work whilst saying I have none so she stays off my tail and actually allows me to work, because if I tell her I do have something, she won't leave me alone for the rest of the evening and night. I end up staying up searching for some sort of inspiration, doing work, and crashing into dreams of being a boy, or one of my many nightmares, or just pitch blackness. I am tired and short on patience; my health is deteriorating even faster just because of the sheer amount of stress this whole thing gives me. I can't change my name because she forbade it; I can't change my preferred gender within the school even informally to teachers because my mother might find out somehow and explode at me. The loneliness in school and the emotional attacks from her are crushing me. All I want is for people to know me for who I really am and acknowledge that, so I can catch a break somewhere instead of life feeling like one neverending torture session.
