Well the day begun with a really nice visit to the therapist, and since it's a public hospital - things can get very crowded.
My mom came along and things were fine - I got my MMPI test and had a nice chat with the therapist there. I also got invited to group therapy sessions by another awesome doctor out there, although she misgendered me once. Which was weird but it happens... got a LOT of looks from people since it was the 3rd time there and I had gone there looking like a girl for the 2nd time (no make up in either case).
I got a lot of ma'ams and just one sir and misgendered just a few times. So I was very very happy. Except for my birth name which whenever anyone especially my mom used would immediately out me since it's a male name.

Then we went to a flower exhibition a few kms away and had fun and then visited the zoo where the exhibition was being held next to.

Now I am terrified of using the public toilets since well - I look too girlie for a guy and too guyish for a girl. So I have been holding myself in from morning, all the way till we got home in the evening and throughout the entire time my mom kept trying to convince me to use the loo or drink some liquid. Which I refused.

That's when things start to go to hell. She then jokingly said what do you have an infection down there? (she is till now oblivious to the fact that I am girl mode)
And I replied back stating half jokingly - yaaa - I am planning to have it cut off. This really pisses her off and the next thing I know she is telling me how we (my dad and her) have "petted me" (as if I was some sort of pet or animal) - and at this point I just got really upset and then walked off after shutting down for a few seconds. Then after the two of got lost and ended up leaving the place we got on a bus and tried to get home ... she pretty much ignored me throughout the way - at one point she even loudly and angrily said that she doesn't care if I cut my balls and penis off. And starts acting as if I am worthless.

I was then treated like a complete stranger by her and with total disgust from her. (at this point I guess she has figured out that I am in girl mode)

When I got home I got so upset I just had all the sleeping pills/antidepressants I had with me along with my AA and E. And then tried to get some sleep in my room. The next thing I know she comes in angrily and starts screaming at me that I am not worth the trouble and that she doesn't want a "hijra" in a house - which is insulting to me since I don't consider myself to be a "hijra" or a "eunuch". And then as I am covered up laying on my bed she starts hitting me with a broom. When she is gone I tried to cut myself with a scissor and no luck - the damn thing was too blunt or my skin to tough or thick. Then she comes back and is screaming loudly that and asking if haven't done enough for you that you want a sex change!  I was so upset that I just lay still and she tore the blanket off me and when I didn't move she even checked my eyes to see if I was awake and when she realized I was - she started screaming at me again.

Later before I pass out she gets me a glass of strawberry milkshake since I have eaten since morning,

Right now although I've slept for like 12-13 hours I still feel woozy and dizzy and it's impossible for me to walk straight. But I can't believe I am not dead.

Umm it looks like there is a breakdown of understanding there. For my part I don't tell anybody what is going through my mind that I want to be female, I keep it all to myself because i am worried about aggro, the sort of stuff you are experiencing. I think that perhaps you have laid your cards too firmly on the table that time, and have caused a bit of an explosion, which doesn't actually excuse your mum but it proves how difficult an issue transgender talk can be to discuss with people. I'm the other extreme, I hate being a man, I hate every minute of every day as a man. I would love to be rid of it I know that, but I can't talk to other people about it because of the possibility repercussions.

Alexia, you are a valued member of our community.  If you ever feel so depressed again I want you to choose the appropriate number from this list:

India Suicide Hotlines

The world is a better place with you in it.

Thank you so much Jamie!!! I passed out again just after writing that - I think I better get some sleep and try to sleep things off for now...

Be patient time is just an obstacle but it can't stop you. be patient it will all work out in its time not yours  but if your gone there will be no time to resolve this

Glad you're still with us, Alexia! Hugs,  Devlyn

* hugs * I hope things look up for you after a full night's rest.  I'm happy to hear you're still here!

Thanks girls ♥ that means a lot to me ♥ I've been walking around the house like zombie with my mind so clouded I can barely think or get any clear thoughts.

I have decided on a few things though - I really want SRS even if it takes me 30~40 years to be able to afford it.

All of this has made me even more determined to continue with my transition.

Alexia,
     This parental anger will pass eventually, we all go through some variation of what you are dealing with in our own lives. You will survive these episodes, but taking your own life is not an option. In spite of any religious background or upbringing that you might have, there is no evidence that anyone ever comes back. We all want you to be strong and victorious, you will survive and become the beautiful woman that we know you are capable of being. We are all here for you dear!

Thanks Shantel, but this has been like the 3rd time I've tried to come out to them - and I didn't even discuss getting SRS this time.

I seriously wonder if they would ever come around and if they don't I would probably loose them. In any case, my mom hates me for what I am and my dad hasn't said anything so far so I can only assume that he's on her side.

I think I better get some sleep since I think am going to pass out again... goodnight folks

I am truly thankful that you are still in the world and are blessing us with your presence, I tried to take my life when I was 21, I am now 40 and still have a purpose. I pray you will find yours and keep checking in here daily please.

Quote from: Alexia6 on February 10, 2013, 11:15:37 AM

All of this has made me even more determined to continue with my transition.

Really glad to hear you are determined to follow your heart and dreams.

I am from sri lanka so I think we share similar cultural backgrounds. So I think I can relate to you in many ways. 
I assume that you came out to your mother recently. So it will take some time for her to come around the idea of her son is going be her daughter.  In places like India and Sri Lanka mother's consider their son as the most valuable possession they have and they will always brag about  their sons, right. So I think that is the main reason behind her anger.  But the important thing is she came with you to see the therapist. So that is a good sign and I think deep inside she loves you are care about you. But she is trying so hard to hold on to the son she thought she had. So it will take her some time to get used to new you.

But one thing I know for sure is they will always come around. It may take couple of years but they will start to see you as her daughter.

In my case, when I came out to my mother she refused to talk to me anything regarding it and when I asked her to accompany me to see the therapist, she reduced. The exact word of her was I never want to see any therapist and I don't want to hear a single word about it. She made sure to make me feel that I was and always will be her son and nothing will ever going to change that. Things went so bad with her and my family I had to put my transition on hold till I finish my studies. It took her five years even to discuss my transition and she still refused to accompany me to see the therapist. I went every where by myself and only supporting people I had ware my friends. Even when I went full time she always did things to convince me that my sister was the only girl in family and I was less than a girl. There was one occasion when I was with her in the car and  when two guys checking me out and trying to flirt with me. That time no one could have guessed I was born as a boy and I was always passing as a girl.  But when my mother saw those guys, the first word that came out from her was " Don't be fooled by the looks guys. She said that out loud, but lucky for me the shutters were closed, so they didn't hear her. There were many many incidents like this and I was so depressed by my own mother which made me so mad at her.

But after year in to going full time, things have improved. She doesn't do things to show me I am not a girl. Now she is more acceptable and I think she now sees me as her daughter. It took lot of small talks and time and 7 years. But things are better. Now she tell her friends She is having two daughters, something I always wanted her to say. 

So as you see things will get better and you will be a daughter to your mother. You have to be patient hun. It may take some time. But it will happen, I promise. But you need to be alive to see that day. Just try to have small talks with your mother and don't tell her things like cutting of your you know what. Those things going to hurt her as much as the things she say is hurting you and remember she is loosing her son,which is a very big deal in close knitted families in the subcontinent.  But she will come around.

SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ENDING THINGS. 

You have so many things ahead of you and it will always get better. You just need to be strong.

Hugs
Sleep tight hun,  you will feel much better with good nights sleep

Quote from: Alexia6 on February 10, 2013, 12:16:52 PM
Thanks Shantel, but this has been like the 3rd time I've tried to come out to them - and I didn't even discuss getting SRS this time.

I seriously wonder if they would ever come around and if they don't I would probably loose them. In any case, my mom hates me for what I am and my dad hasn't said anything so far so I can only assume that he's on her side.

I think I better get some sleep since I think am going to pass out again... goodnight folks

I realize that within the Indian culture familial expectations are exceedingly higher than in the western world. You may be faced with one of two choices, either proceed ahead in a clandestine manner or leave the home and family behind. The latter choice may not be an option unless you are financially independent. In either event we wish you well and hope for your success at overcoming any obstacles in the road ahead. Please keep us posted, goodnight Alexia!

Alexia6, I am glad you are here with us, Hugs.

Thanks everyone - feeling  a lot better after some rest.

Anya - I am glad your mom finally came around to accept you and I hope she gets more supportive of you in the future.

I am not yet full time and so far trying to be as androgynous as I possibly can. So I can only imagine what might happen or what their reaction might be when I do go full time.

So far am just trying to get into small talk and trying to be more of a girl around the house to get her to accept me. I hope that they finally do.

Shantel - I've been dreading the option of going it alone since I love my parents despite how they treat me at times. So far I haven't even told them I've been on HRT for about 9 months and about 6 months before that.

I am honestly sick of being in boy mode and being looked at as if I am a guy - it just keeps killing me inside and makes me wanna scream at someone.
I've even tried to convince myself at one point of time that I am androgynous or maybe gender fluid - but I am not. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself I just couldn't.

I'm really glad you're alright. This is the first post I've seen of you, but it breaks my heart when other people hurt themselves over gender identity. It's not fair!

If you ever need people to talk to about this, I know many people here would lend an ear; myself included. Please talk this out with your therapist and whatever you do, please don't attempt this again.

Thank you sooo much Kayla, I don't think I would be trying something like that anytime soon.

I wish we didn't have to fight for our right for people to see ourself and accept us for who we really are. It's just plain annoying and irritating!

I would be heading off to work soon and I hope things go well.

Really glad to hear you are feeling better Alexia and if you ever feel like you need some one to talk, Feel free get in touch. I will be more than happy to lend you a listing ear and because we share the same time zone it will be very easy for you to track me down. I will be online most of the time.

Hugs

Apart from the dizzy spells and almost passing out a few times today - I think I should be ok.

Thank you alll soooooooooooo much for your support - it means a lot to me that I have someone to talk to.

And I am reallly gratefull to be a part of our community.

     Hey Alexia,glad your feeling better.I know exactly what your going through with your mum,my wife's Punjabi.I'm dreading telling her,even though I think she already knows.She calls me khusra when we have a fight and she has crazy mad ninjitsu skills with the broom as well,I think it's the Indian woman's weapon of choice.Hopefully your Mum's got  the guilts now for losing her cool so badly and will be extra nice for a few days.If you need to talk please msg me.