Hi everybody!

You can call me Jennifer (or Jen). I'm a college student in my late twenties from the wonderful Land that is Chicago.

Last October I had realization. I realized I was in denial. Ever since puberty, I've wished I had been a girl, but I could never bring myself to fully admit it, most likely out of some combination of fear and shame. Needless to say, this epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks. On one hand, it was surprising how many things I've felt for years suddenly made sense: everything from my softer demeanor, to how I feel out of place around men yet easily empathize with women, to how I feel about my appearance, to fantasies I frequently have about being female, to why I'd feel strangely envious around girls, etc.. At the same time, the realization that I am likely trans scares the hell out of me.

Of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have my doubts, as well as plenty of "so now how does this work?" type confusion. I've also suffered from some really persistent depression plus an avoidant anxiety disorder for much of my life, so I have concerns as to how those may intertwine with what I'm feeling. As such, I came here to learn what I can about transgender experience in hopes that it may shed some light on what I'm going through. I've been lurking for a couple of months now, and I've already found several threads that have been helpful. You may not know it, but several of you have already helped me, so I thank you.

As for the name, I've always liked sea creatures. I also like weird, eccentric stuff, and squid are pretty weird. Plus I have a squid plushie, and it's really cute. So, yeah, squid.

Welcome! Mostly wanted to pop in and say that your name is great...squid are awesome.

But even though we're headed opposite ways, we have some things in common. Late twenties college student here too, dealing with a similar ton of bricks, doubts, fears, etc. Also pretty excited though. Congrats on taking this first step 

Hi Jennifer,

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Janet 

Hiya :-)

Welcome from sunny southern California, Jennifer.  Pleased to meet you.

Yeah, sometimes gender dysphoria is like being hit with a ton of bricks.  As you are in a major metropolitan area, you have access to therapists who specialize in gender issues.  I would strongly suggest you seek one out.  And while working with the therapist, develop a "roadmap" of sorts, where you think all this might lead you.

Good luck on your journey.

Greetings! Sounds like we have the same story, tho i'm out of college and at 25 i can still say mid-twenties. (i must be getting old as i'm trying to sound younger than i am, unlike how younger ppl try to sound older than they are)

i'm from columbus, oh so not too different from chicago. midwest city big enough to support a bit of culture.

also like you i had my latest realization in october. it seems sometimes like a back and forth with my self-acceptance. some days i'm 100% ok with my life and happy, others its me feeling i've got this horribly impossible fate to live. it is very very scary but posting and reading on the forums here has helped me sooo much. without susans i'd be in bad shape. the chat is also a great place to find support.

looking forward to your posts! <3

Hi and welcome to Susan's, Jennifer.

Thanks, everyone, for the warm welcome. ^_^
A bit more about myself:

I have a rather reserved personality, and can be painfully shy. I was already an introvert to begin with, but years of bullying have left me a distrust of my peers, which I am only now starting to unlearn.

I am a terrible, terrible perfectionist. I feel like nothing I do is ever as good as it should be. This makes self acceptance considerably harder than it should be. >_<

I consider myself to be somewhat on the eccentric side, if for no other reason than my own amusement. I like the weird, absurd, and non sequitur. When I get silly and playful, I'm sure I come off as being a complete lunatic (much to my enjoyment and my brother's chagrin), but it serves as a much needed counterbalance to my otherwise crushing seriousness.

I enjoy drawing, though I don't do nearly enough these days. I should draw more.

My primary hobby (or perhaps obsession is a better word) is video games. I've been extremely passionate about them since I was five or so, having started on my father's Tandy 1000 before getting an NES. Although I've kept up with the new, I've been a retro gamer since the mid-nineties. I like learning about the old stuff I missed, and by this point, I've become something of an amateur historian. I have no trouble giving a detailed account off the top of my head of the history of the entire medium from its inception to present. I've also built up a massive game collection over the years, spanning  some 14 consoles and 7 handhelds over 30 years. It's like I have my own little museum.

I really like heavy metal (and power and thrash). Given that I'm neither a "tough guy," nor super-rebellious by nature, the irony of this has never been lost on me. Of course, I didn't get into metal to prove anything to anyone else, but rather I liked hard rock and found its more intense descendant's pull to be irresistible.

I like fish. They're pretty... and calming to watch... and tasty. So very tasty. ^_^

I like Japanese gardens. Especially the stone lanterns. That's not really defining of anything, but I thought I'd throw that out anyway.

I've had long hair for over a decade now. I originally grew it out because my hair is really wavy, and I could only control it by using its own weight against it. My mother hates its length, but I've kept it anyway, because the first time I ever liked how I looked was after growing it out.

My life fell apart several years ago, and after a lengthy period of languishing, I'm slowing putting it back together.

Quote from: jojoglowe on February 11, 2013, 03:25:11 AM
also like you i had my latest realization in october. it seems sometimes like a back and forth with my self-acceptance. some days i'm 100% ok with my life and happy, others its me feeling i've got this horribly impossible fate to live.

This is pretty much where I am these days. Sometimes I feel like I must be a girl inside, while other times I feel like might simply be an androgynous guy. The dysphoria comes and goes, sometimes within the same day. That inconsistency is scary in and of itself, as it makes it harder to trust one's feelings. Then again, I imagine that if you've felt one thing for years all the while telling yourself another, it's going to take a bit of time to fully accept whatever is actually happening. At least that's what I'm currently telling myself. I know that knowing something cognitively and understanding it on an emotional level are two entirely different things.