So I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to tell my wife that I'm transgendered. Ten years into our marriage, 5 years after I admitted to myself that I'm a trans woman and one year after admitting to myself that I'll never be happy with myself unless I stop fighting myself, this is still the scariest thing I've ever faced. Despite the number of trans and queer friends we already know, despite the fact that she already calls me the best girlfriend she's ever had, despite the fact that she happily waxes my back for me, I still have no idea how she's going to take it. We've done a lot in the past decade, seen so much of the world, fought against ignorance and oppression at every turn, tackled so many huge obstacles together (climbed the freaking Inca Trail together and her with a prosthetic leg!) that you'd think this wouldn't phase me half as much as it does but this is the scariest thing I've ever faced.

Because at the end of the day, I don't know how she'll respond. I'm expecting shock and more than a little hurt, but beyond that I don't know what her response will be, and that scares the hell out of me. Worst case would be she views the past decade together as a massive lie propagated against her and looks back with regret upon our marriage as wasted time. I don't want to lose her, at all, but that's not something I can control. Admitting that my marriage may end and I could even lose her as my best friend was struggle enough, the actual telling is going to be so much harder. But I have to do it. I can't take any further steps toward transitioning without cluing in my life partner, for better or worse. To continue to hide would betray every principle we stand for and I can not do that in good conscience.

I don't know what I expect to accomplish by rambling here other than to put my own thoughts in order as best I can and to make sure that I am prepared for the fallout that will ensue, good or bad. We're going to drive up to Seattle for a friend's birthday and there's a park we usually stop at on the way back where I'm planning on breaking the news- a public space, but private enough for a heart to heart. Wish me luck!

I wish you the best of luck. Coming out to my wife (also of 10 years) was the hardest thing I have ever done. Be strong and brave. Remember, she will probably need time to come to terms with this. Please, let us know how it goes.

Thanks Brooke. Reminding myself that it will take time for her to process news of this magnitude is great advice. Out of everything that I've already faced and everything that lies ahead this is what scares me most of all. I know that if we can make it through the initial conversation then things will eventually work themselves out, whichever way that may be. After so many false starts and near-confessions through the years it's really intimidating to know that I can't put it off any longer. But at the very least there won't be any more lies and obfuscations. There've been more than enough of those for a lifetime. 

Good luck honey, I'm sure it will go well just give time and love.

Fingers crossed for you.

Good luck! let us know how it goes

Good luck with this.  My wife didn't talk to me for a month afterwards, but we did finally work things through.

Well, that happened. All told, it went better than I could have conceived of. Tears were shed on both sides, but there was no yelling, for which I'll be eternally grateful. It cleared up a lot of issues that we'd had in our marriage, things that had been festering for a long time that had way more to do with my GD than with her, but which she'd  been blaming herself for and carrying an unfortunate amount of stress and guilt over. Just knowing that my inability to face my dysphoria for so long has made her doubt herself is another chunk of guilt I'll have to work through, but to have opened up like that and not been shot down feels good.

She seems to be taking it well. But that's how she does things. Stiff upper lip and all that. She's faced more in her years than most people and all I've wanted out of our years together was to spare her any more heartbreak. Some things can't be helped though. She really seems to be taking things well, though. It's hard to tell, because she processes things internally and doesn't let it out until it's like a volcano ready to blow. She said she had a good cry this evening when I went for a run, and she's a good halfway through a bottle of tequila at the moment, which is a coping mechanism I have used more times than I can count so have no grounds for any sort of judgment in that regard. So for the moment, I'm just carrying on and waiting for things to process.

But it feels so good to have finally been honest, to have dropped the charade and spoken truly honestly with the person I value the most in this world is such a relief. It's like a load has been lifted from me and all I want to do is put on music and my dancing shoes and dance around the house in celebration. I won't, because that's just cruel at a moment like this, but I can't lie- I feel as though an enormous load has been lifted off of me and for the first time in years I am facing the world honestly. Of course, that's just tonight. There will be more struggles and trials, but after today I feel as though I can face anything.

I'm so happy things went that well. I hope that things continue to go well while she works through all of this in her mind.

The only thing that was said that cut through me, and which I continue to dwell on today at work is that she said that she felt like she had just been widowed, that she was in mourning. I know it was shock talking and likely not meant in the way I took it, but it just felt so final the way she said it. How can she not see that I'm still me? That I'm actually more me than I was before because I'm attempting to reconcile the various parts of myself that I've always hidden and disavowed out of shame and guilt? How can she not see that it's my form that's changing, that's all, and that is merely changing to match who I am inside, who I've always been inside? I know that things will improve as time goes on and she begins to accept me, but that just cut me like a hot knife in the moment.

My wife said basically the same thing, her words were "my husband is now dead". So, I can relate to how you are feeling. I personally don't fully understand why she felt that way as I too feel like I was finally being more of the real me than ever before. But, from what I understand that is a pretty common response. Just stay strong, you will be able to get through this.

Quote from: AnarchoChloe on February 19, 2013, 04:53:16 PM
The only thing that was said that cut through me, and which I continue to dwell on today at work is that she said that she felt like she had just been widowed, that she was in mourning. I know it was shock talking and likely not meant in the way I took it, but it just felt so final the way she said it. How can she not see that I'm still me? That I'm actually more me than I was before because I'm attempting to reconcile the various parts of myself that I've always hidden and disavowed out of shame and guilt? How can she not see that it's my form that's changing, that's all, and that is merely changing to match who I am inside, who I've always been inside? I know that things will improve as time goes on and she begins to accept me, but that just cut me like a hot knife in the moment.

You just totally blew away her world view of you created over many years of you being together. Essentially the ou she thought she knew died, or was killed off. This is a tpical reaction.

Communication is the key to keep it from becoming terminal. You spent a lifetime trying to come to grips with being TG. She has had only hours.

Thanks Joanne, I'm trying to be mindful of this and that's why I'm posting here instead of trying to hash it out in person. At this point I'm just keeping on as normal and letting her process and take things in. She knows that I love her, that I'm open to discuss anything at any time if she wants to, and that I'm still as invested in our relationship as I've always been. Time will sort everything else out. I just wasn't prepared to be referred to as dead is all.

Quote from: AnarchoChloe on February 19, 2013, 11:03:10 PM
She knows that I love her, that I'm open to discuss anything at any time if she wants to, and that I'm still as invested in our relationship as I've always been.

Forgive me please for being so direct, but I am going through this at the moment as well, and plan to come out to my wife in the next couple of months.  I have going to therapy for awhile, and am working up to how far I want to go with my transition (if at all) and then be able to tell my wife of my decision.  My therapist has advised that churning through my process of deciding with my wife will cause undue hardship on her. 

That said, I identify as a woman, but am also still very attracted to my wife.  She is a beautiful and strong woman, and I love her.  I intend to tell her that and am playing out conversations in my head, but wonder if you shared the same with yours and if it made any difference?  Again, I am only asking as I did not read it directly, and am definitely not trying to pry if you do not want to share.  You mentioned you are invested in the relationship, but are you attracted to her and let her know that?  What type of reaction did it get? 

Thank you for sharing all you have.  It means a lot.  Best wishes to you.

Toni

Hi Toni, I don't find your questions too direct at all. But then, I've always preferred bluntness to beating around the bush. The entire conversation began with me underlining just how much I love her, how beautiful she is, and reminding her of just how many trials we've faced and overcome together as well as how much we've pushed each other to grow and face the uncomfortable aspects of our lives. The love we share has never been in doubt, even when we've been at our worst and ready to verbally rip one another's throats out in years past, and the fact that we both know how well we fit together is what's helped us persevere through those rough patches. So that was my opening, and then I dropped the bomb.

She still doesn't want to discuss it. She was recently awarded a large promotion at work and is feeling incredibly overwhelmed by her new work load and says that she wants to focus on one problem at a time. (I really don't enjoy being referred to as a problem, but whatever.) Her big issue at this point is that I followed the advice of your therapist and worked through my process alone before letting her in. The fact that I've kept this all a secret from her is what hurts her most. I tried telling her that I didn't want to cause unnecessary strife for her until I was more sure of myself, but she's reading this as a violation of the trust between us. So for now we're in a holding pattern, though I don't hide my girl clothes or makeup any more, and things are still very much up in the air.

Quote from: AnarchoChloe on February 27, 2013, 10:21:51 AM
The fact that I've kept this all a secret from her is what hurts her most. I tried telling her that I didn't want to cause unnecessary strife for her until I was more sure of myself, but she's reading this as a violation of the trust between us.

I went through much the same with my wife after delaying telling her. She took it as a major betrayal. She was profoundly depressed and near suicidal the first 2-3 months I started with my TG group, I didn't want to push her over the edge.  She came to cut me some slack on that over time.

THough she does try hard to be supportive, we've been in a "Don't ask don't tell" operational mode for the better part of 2 years now.

Well, everything I feared happening when I told her is coming to pass. The whole reason I've tried to stay closeted for so many years was the fear of how my wife would take the news. It was only because the dysphoria reached a point where I either had to address it or be pushed to the brink by all the ceaseless lying that I even came out to her, and even that took me a solid year to work up the nerve. She lost her leg when she was a teen and has been fixated on the idea of living a "normal" life ever since and for the most part I've tried to recognize and adapt to this as much as possible. She's a beautiful woman with a large capacity for love and all I've ever wanted was to spare her more pain in life. To be the cause of so much upset is a horrible feeling, to see her break into tears when I walk into a room tears me up.

Her job has given her a stress leave for a few weeks and she drove off this morning for California to stay with her sister and sort through her thoughts. When or if she'll come back is completely up in the air and it is ripping me apart knowing that I caused this, that I have no way to tell how it will play out, or even how it should play out. Maybe it would be for the best if we were to separate. It would hurt more than anything I've ever experienced but if it's what allows her to get some peace then maybe we should. I don't know. I hate these in-between moments where I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and the uncertainty about whether I'll be squished beneath it or will be able to dodge it.

I know that the best thing I can do is to let her have her time and to just keep going with the routine I've set up. Stick with the therapy, keep exercising daily, keep with the laser hair removal. It's the path I decided on and I need to keep on it, but it's just that feeling of everything, literally EVERYTHING, being in flux that is causing a lot of angst at the moment. Good lord, I hope she comes back.

I wish y'all the best, whichever way the shoe lands.

I think this is so much harder for our loved ones to take, sometimes, than it is for us: we've cozied up to the issue for x-number of years - not to mention that each person is most intimately familiar with themselves - whereas they begin to address the topic from Ground Zero.

I do hope that things work out in the best possible way for you.

My Best - Sadie

I hope she does, too. I was in your boat at around the same time, save for the fact that when I realized I was TG, I knew that it wasn't something I could hide from my wife. It took me two weeks to get the courage to tell her. Fortunately, we're still together, but she's having difficulties with it, which is expected. I'm trying to be just as supportive to her as she is to me, and I think that it will work itself out.

God I hope so.

My heart goes out to you. Her leaving at this crucial juncture does not bode well. Right now she's got to have a thousand questions and the right person to answer them is not in the room with her