Wearing men's underwear means I'm sick because I'm not a man. Hating my birth name is sick. Not wanting those reproductive parts laying inside my body is sick. Wanting to be a boy is sick. I get it- I'm trans, so in your eyes I'm a sick freak. What makes you think you're everyone, Mom? What makes you think no one will accept me once I've transitioned, or that anyone will even know what I once lived through?

I don't expect you to understand, but what hurts is that you don't care. My relationship never caused these issues; they were there long before I met him. I want you not to harass me and expect me to handle the abuse without a word. I want you not to call me violent when my temper reaches a boiling point because you just WON'T STOP and things go flying. You stay away from me when that happens because that door is shut for a reason. You don't barge in there and then cry because your crazy monster of a "daughter" growled at you to get out. You don't get to say in that hushed dramatic voices that I'm psychotic and look at my pupils, how dilated they are. Yeah, Mom, pupils dilate when you're under stress.

My dad doesn't help one bit, either. All he does is promise that he's there for me and on my side, but just thinks I'm wrong. The only way he'll be convinced is by hearing it from a "professional". I told him to get one, and he said nothing happens instantaneously. This has been going on for months, and every day is making a deeper wound inside me. He said, "Goodnight, ladies," when he left and I wanted to get up and strangle him. Anger runs deep in my veins like any other stereotypical red-blooded American guy. I'm not a "crazy bitch", I'm a guy who is constantly being denied who he is.

All I hear is how they want to help me, but that's the furthest from what they're doing. It seems like they mean they're helping themselves and neglecting my feelings as a person. Why can't I be a boy if that's how I feel? Because I'm a minor. Why can't I dress in clothes without approval? Because I'm a minor. Why can't I go anywhere without constant calls being made? Because I'm a minor. Why do I have no right to privacy? Because I'm a minor. What the hell does age have to do with basic freedoms? I'm not 6 years old; my judgement is actually sound unless blind rage throws it off.

And what the hell? Are you really going to sit there and use the "she never does any of her work" line in front of me? Ask my teachers; not one will say I'm missing anything. I do homework in school, at home, even on the train if my body is too exhausted to pull yet another all-nighter. The adderall you put me on doesn't make me do or like work; it taxes my heart and that's it. I get palpitations all the time on it, but does anyone care? Nope. Oh, but god forbid I ever think of injecting a steroid already present in my body in order to help me live the life I need to have! No, that would be unnatural! But amphetamines are perfectly fine, dear!

Why are you torturing me? Why do you scream that I'm doing this to punish you and that I'm throwing my life away? Why do you paint a picture of a psychotic girl to my father, so that he'll agree with you and put me in a mental hospital? Why am I even bothering anymore...

She read through every single one of my text messages and came across one to my boyfriend about the name I'd like to have, and practically spit it at me. I don't even know if I want to use it anymore...it was a perfect name and now it feels horrible to think about. Maybe someday I'll heal enough to accept it, but now I don't know. I have no person to reassure me irl, no name to go by, nothing. She took the liberty of combing through my room to find and take the boxer briefs I was ecstatic about finally getting.

Why can't I be allowed some measure of happiness without the world crashing down within a few days?

-BIG HUGS- That is rough man and I really feel for you. 

That is so not a condusive place for a person to live in.  I can't wait for the day that you will be old enough to get the heck out of there! 

Quote from: Malachite on February 17, 2013, 10:01:38 PM
-BIG HUGS- That is rough man and I really feel for you. 

That is so not a condusive place for a person to live in.  I can't wait for the day that you will be old enough to get the heck out of there!

Thanks, and same. I can't stand being told that "boys don't cry all day" if there's a rare moment when I think I'm alone and I let out everything I keep bottled up inside. I don't cry all day, and I have the right to after all the things I endure without going crazy. Everything is so unfair about this situation and I just wish that I had been born a cisguy. Nothing would be an issue right now if I had been.

More hugggs from over here.

Thanks, both of you. She came in my room again this morning to scream at me because I took my laptop to do things I need to do (and just browse the internet as an escape). My skype on which I talk to some people who have no idea I'm anything but a cismale was connected to the laptop she wanted to use, and of course she starts up skype and begins to read through that too. I changed my password and name on there so that she can't log in again, but she screamed that I don't really know them and they're just freaks with no lives who do nothing but sit at the computer all day talking to strangers.

Then she told me to break up with the boyfriend I just got back together with after taking my phone and reading my messages he sent after I was stopped from leaving when we were supposed to go hang out and have a nice time for a change. She says, "You're not normal. You're not sexual. You're not a person. What is there to miss?"

I'm not even a person in her eyes, so it seems. And I know that as soon as she cries to my dad again and I bring it up as part of everything she's said and done, the whole thing will have never happened and I'll be making it. Because I'm such a liar.

Apparently she wants to cut internet too, because it's what led up to "my behavior", which "must be reigned in". Someone please tell me what I'm missing here. How does being a parent mean that she has full rights to my mind? I thought that was a basic human right...no privilege of mind for me. I told her I'd rather be homeless then live under her control anymore, and she came back with "Normal people don't live on the streets. Mentally ill people live on the streets". Where the hell does she get all these axioms from?

I said I'd live in a shelter and she said that I wasn't allowed to do something so disgusting at my age. She said me telling her this is just more reason to have me committed, and that she thinks she needs to give up her rights as a parent to have someone do something with me. I don't get it. Why am I not allowed to just be?

She also had the nerve to tell me to clean out my backpack. Oh, did you think that I only need to carry paper and pencils? No, I actually get work. I have to carry several pounds of paper through handouts and homework. Maybe you got through history class by sleeping in the back and looking pretty, but I actually take notes. And don't even try to tell me I don't have any hard classes when you never took anything above what would be Algebra II today and a high school biology course. I don't break my back every day to hear you put me down about how stupid and lazy I am- I went through the trigonometry-heavy section of Calculus without ever touching the calculator. I remember everything I read in my AP Bio book. I got the highest grade on the AP US final. My AP Comp teacher told you she was so impressed with me. And as for music? My arm is really hurt. So you and my father can shove a stick in it. He told me that "obviously, you have self-esteem issues and didn't want to do your seating audition". Yeah, self-esteem issues made me unable to feel the last two fingers on my left hand and stopped me from play sections of two pieces I know by heart.

Oh, lovely. She's taking more things out of context and telling my dad that this is beyond psychotic. I joked around that I was a big black man from Uganda, and she's telling him that "this is how she sees herself". What the hell, Mom.

I can't take this anymore. They don't care about me as long as I'm quiet, obedient, and a girl. That's basically the opposite of me. I might be normally quiet, but piss me off and that may change in an instant. They went off to tell me that angrily whipping up the shopping cart (that's our laundry basket) when the annoying man who called me darling wouldn't get out of my way after I told him a bunch of times that I didn't need help with carrying it up the stairs was an act of violence and that I hurt myself and deserved it.

Now she's trying to justify hurting me by saying that she had to drag me to my room because I don't just go to my room like other children. Well, sorry that I don't act like a little kid, scared of their parents. I deserve to recognized as a person with thoughts and feelings and rights.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on February 18, 2013, 09:43:24 AM

Then she told me to break up with the boyfriend I just got back together with after taking my phone and reading my messages he sent after I was stopped from leaving when we were supposed to go hang out and have a nice time for a change. She says, "You're not normal. You're not sexual. You're not a person. What is there to miss?"

Wow. I can't believe a mother would say that. I'm so sorry for what you're going through Liminal. 

You really need to get out of there as soon as possible. Can you talk with a councilor at school about your home life? Get some form of athority involved. What they are doing is abuse and it has to stop now.

I wish you the best Liminal.

Wow. That's sounds really familiar. *hugs* I am sorry you are going through this. Is there an authority figure you could tell who will believe you?
Btw and I'm sure you already know this, your parents are wrong. One day, not too far from now, they will no longer be in your life. You will be in control.

Quote from: Bethany Dawn on February 18, 2013, 11:16:50 AM
You really need to get out of there as soon as possible. Can you talk with a councilor at school about your home life? Get some form of athority involved. What they are doing is abuse and it has to stop now.

I wish you the best Liminal.

+1000

You need help to get this emotionally abusive behavior to stop. The state probably wont take you out of the home, but counseling for you and your parents should be provided.

Try not to anticipate that this will fail, or succeed...there's no telling until you've tried your best.

*hugs*

The only reason I haven't gotten the help of authorities is because I almost was removed from my home a couple of years back, after an incident my dad still won't admit was his fault. It's ridiculous that their behavior goes unchecked, yet if I so much as wear something that makes me feel better, I'm out of control. She told me she wishes that I was one of those normal teenagers who stays out too late and parties and all that crap. But I'm not- they both have this set image of what I should be and can't take it when I don't fit their mold. After the other incident, CPS made house visits all the time. All I wanted was a restraining order put on my dad because I didn't feel safe around him- it wasn't the first time he had almost killed me and it wasn't the last, either. Instead, they constantly looked for anything to take me away from my mother (the lesser of two evils at that point), and both of my parents blamed me and hated me. Everything turned into a huge nightmare, and I was the aggressor for being the victim. It never would have happened if my dad wasn't so violent and my baby cousin didn't make up a stupid story to make him mad at me.

I had to let him stay with us during the hurricane after we got into a huge fight during which he kept trying to punch me, just because his place was in the evacuation zone and my grandmother told me to get out of danger but wouldn't take him. Where was I supposed to go? I was attacked for defending my mother when I had begged him not to start anything by fighting with her. This has been going on ever since the moment they knew my mother was pregnant with me. Sometimes it feels as though everything that's gone on is all my fault, and that I got my mother disowned and kicked out because I was born.

And then they wonder why I'm depressed.

QuoteThe only reason I haven't gotten the help of authorities is because I almost was removed from my home a couple of years back, after an incident my dad still won't admit was his fault. It's ridiculous that their behavior goes unchecked

Then do something to get their behavior checked! This can not go on! Next time there is any type of fight be it verbally or physical, I want you to run to a neighbors house and call the police. Getting out of their house is paramount.

Look for a LGBT friendly transitional housing center near you, and see if you can get in there.

You're right...I don't really have sane neighbors in my building, but there has to be housing like that somewhere in this city. I feel bad whenever something happens, because there are good moments, and every time bad things pile up it threatens to destroy whatever sugar-coated memories I have of being a kid. Sad, I know- but I have trouble deciding whether I should ride it out or get help now. The prognosis changes constantly.

Liminal try doing this. On a piece of paper try writing down both the pros and cons of staying under your parents roof, and go from there. We can only give you our suggestions, only you know whats right for you.

And again try to talk to someone from school that you trust. Hopefully they would be some form of guidance counselor.

Quote from: Bethany Dawn on February 18, 2013, 02:35:12 PM
Liminal try doing this. On a piece of paper try writing down both the pros and cons of staying under your parents roof, and go from there. We can only give you our suggestions, only you know whats right for you.

And again try to talk to someone from school that you trust. Hopefully they would be some form of guidance counselor.

Thank you for the advice. I'm going to do that, hopefully at a neutral time when I'm far enough removed from thinking of them. At least my dad is practically absent and not a custodial parent.

I'd like to talk to a school guidance counselor, but that is unfortunately how I got myself into the situation with CPS. Another case opening would probably set off a big red flag, even if they don't find anything, and I don't know if being removed and put in the system is a good idea right now when I've got studies to focus on. But I'm going to try to make things better. I can't live like this.

See if the school can get in a therapist for you to talk to. I know they might tell your parents that you requested one. And if that happens just say something along the lines that you are trying to tackle your demons. Hopefully that will appease your parents.

Fortunately, I've got a therapist right now, and she's supportive of me in the way of being trans and all. Problem is that if I go past letting her know the ridiculous side of my mother's antics, she'll be required by law to report the whole thing to- you guessed it- CPS. 

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on February 18, 2013, 04:01:16 PM
Fortunately, I've got a therapist right now, and she's supportive of me in the way of being trans and all. Problem is that if I go past letting her know the ridiculous side of my mother's antics, she'll be required by law to report the whole thing to- you guessed it- CPS. 

OH    I didn't think of that

Quote from: Bethany Dawn on February 18, 2013, 04:43:38 PM
OH    I didn't think of that

That's seeming like it's not such a bad idea right now. I don't need to put up with this crap; my dad is using the "she brought you into this world" excuse. It doesn't justify her actions. SHE OUTRIGHT TOLD HIM SHE WANTS TO KILL ME BECAUSE I WON'T BACK DOWN. She doesn't want a "creepy doctor" who will give me hormones and tell me "it's okay to be like this". I don't need to be told. I know it's okay. But it's not okay to be locked in a box like this. She's not going to throw away undergarments she doesn't "approve of" and she isn't going to go around snatching up my ways of communication or forcing me into a female role. I won't see a psychiatrist who tells me I have to be a girl, even though that's what she wants. She's not winning this fight because it's MY life and MY body. I don't care what anyone told her or what she thinks happens with transsexuals. She either needs to accept her SON or just get over it and make like I'm not here, because I'm sure as hell not accepting the heinous body parts that make me hate myself, and I'm not living like this for the time from now until I'm 18. She's out of her mind, and so is he, if either of them thinks that's the way this is happening. Whether I can get hormones or not, I'm a boy now and I will be then. Too bad that you thought the kid you raised was a girl, because she's gone and he's here now. Take it or leave it.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on February 18, 2013, 08:11:56 PM
That's seeming like it's not such a bad idea right now.

*Big hug* from someone who was also abused as a teenager. I wish I'd had options when I was the one being abused. Sadly, I was living in a patriarchal society in which I was completely unimportant and there was nowhere for me to turn so I just had to suffer in silence until I was old enough to get out of there.

Have you tried phoning one of the helplines for minors? You could do this away from home if needs be so you can have complete privacy. You might want to talk to them anonymously to see what options are available if you're worried about getting CPS involved at this stage.

You do have options. You don't have to put up with this. Your parents are relying on their ability to intimidate you into silence so that they don't have to face the consequences of their actions. You don't have to let that happen. Raising another red flag with CPS may not be such a bad thing. Whose fault will it be if that kicks up a stink? Yours? No. You're just trying to protect yourself from abuse and you have every right to do that. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll be removed, but it could mean that your family gets the assistance it needs to live together harmoniously.

Try working with your therapist and your school guidance counsellor. Be completely honest about what's happening at home and the effect it is having on your studies and your mental health. If they think it's necessary to get CPS involved, that's probably because this is what needs to happen if you're to stay safe. They won't involve the CPS on a whim.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 19, 2013, 07:11:54 AM


Have you tried phoning one of the helplines for minors? Y

That's a pretty good idea Liminal. If nothing else, they will advise you.

Remember, they won't be negative. They won't be angry. They don't ever patronise.

The number is completly free and totally confidential.

Childline

0800 1111