My parents, no matter how well-intentioned, somehow always make me feel like I'm disappointing them. They like to tell this story of how when I was 3 years old, they were "so excited" because they got me a fake kitchen play set for Christmas and they were so sure I would love it, and then they took me to see Santa on Christmas eve and I told him I wanted a fire truck. They got me the fire truck, and I can remember that Christmas and how much I loved it. But every time they tell this story, they always emphasize how sure they were that I would love that kitchen set and it makes me feel like I let them down somehow by wanting to play with trucks...

And that's the least of it. They're always trying to get me to wear more girly clothes and they buy me some all the time, and I end up wearing them for one day, feeling really uncomfortable the whole time, and then I hide them in the back of my dresser and hope they forget about it. On the rare occasions that I simply cannot avoid wearing a dress they always act so proud and take a million pictures, and then I feel guilty for wearing nothing but jeans all the time. At my high school graduation, they made us wear these long white gowns which required going shopping in a wedding store. It was horrifying and embarrassing and my mom couldn't stop gushing about it, and when I got home I hid in my room and cried and then did my best not to let her see it. Then there's the fact that I stopped going to church with them, or that I chose an "artsy" major instead of being a doctor like my dad wanted. The list goes on and on...

But they keep doing nice things for me, and I feel guilty for wanting to be myself. I had just decided I was finally going to cut my hair short and start wearing a binder like I've wanted to for a long time now, but I just got a tin full of cookies from my parents and a card saying good luck on finals, and now all I can think about is how upset it would make them...

I can't be myself without letting them down, so I have to tell myself that it doesn't matter what they think, but they're TOO NICE, and I feel horribly guilty for intentionally disappointing them. But what else can I do? I've tried for so long to just be the perfect daughter they've always wanted, and I can't do it anymore.

Hi Poland.

I think most here can sympathise.

It's too easy to assume that all our problems are caused by difficult relationships with difficult people. It's not relationships that cause the problem it's lack of understanding and acceptance.

Your parents sound like they really want a decent relationship with you.

You sound like you're scared to tell them anything in case they stop being so nice.

But you know, eventually, you must? They have a right to know and you have an obligation to be yourself.

Poland,

Oh my, I am feeling for you, I really am.  I can understand worrying about dissappointing your parents, but spacial is right...you should tell them. They sound likethey love you, want the best for you.  I am a parent, although my little boy just turned 5.....I can still tell you that I don't care if he wants to be a garbage worker, whther he is really a female, or whether her wants to be the. President. The only way that my child could disappoint me is if he isn't happy. Your parents tell the story about the kitchen and firetruck xmas just because they have such found memories of it, not because they hoped you liked the kitchen set I promise.  They love you, and I bet if you'll tell them and open up to them about yourself that they'll love you just the same and even more because I also bet they realize that you aren't completely happy right now. Mom's can just tell I don't know how.  You aren't a disappointment to them, I'm not saying they won't need a moment to process what you tell them, but it sounds like you have those types of parents that would support you thru anything.  I hope you give them a chance for them, and for you....you need to let go of this guilt that you're not living up to what they are wanting. Be the best you that you can be and be happy! I'm wishing lots of luck!

Quote from: spacial on February 19, 2013, 06:03:29 PM
Hi Poland.

I think most here can sympathise.

It's too easy to assume that all our problems are caused by difficult relationships with difficult people. It's not relationships that cause the problem it's lack of understanding and acceptance.

Your parents sound like they really want a decent relationship with you.

You sound like you're scared to tell them anything in case they stop being so nice.

But you know, eventually, you must? They have a right to know and you have an obligation to be yourself.

This. They sound like nice folks, give them a chance to pleasantly surprise you.

Parents tend to place (bad word) all their dashed hopes, wishes, and dreams that the were not able to obtain on their offspring. It is all part of them wanting you to have a better life then they had. To accomplish things the opportunity was not not available for them.

Parents also tend to want to see their children be happy. Not  the regretfull, longing for lost opportunities, I had to.... life they are living.

Kids tend to want to want to placate the gods.. I mean parents. Sure it will be scary to open up to them. But what are the alternatives? Mostly all bad for you vs maybe something they may needsome time to grok

Thanks for the support. The trouble with telling my parents how I feel is that they've always been the very conservative religious types. I'm from New York, and when they legalized gay marriage here, my mom was very firmly against it. I've been bringing up that issue a lot and I think she's coming around to accepting it, but I've also heard her say some very transphobic things in the past. I haven't even had the courage to come out to them about my sexuality yet. Spacial, you're absolutely right. I'm TERRIFIED that they'll stop being so nice to me if I tell them the truth. Mostly because I still depend on them so much. I couldn't possibly afford my college tuition on my own... My more rational side tell me they would never actually cut me off, but that side doesn't make an appearance that often.

Spring0721, I know they can tell I'm not happy. Whenever I see them, my dad comments on how "you look good. healthy..." and I nod and smile, and he'll ask me if everything's ok, and I agree, but I can tell he doesn't believe it. But they do so much for me, I feel like I owe it to them to be happy?? I don't know... They never really ask me what's wrong though. I feel like they're worried they won't like the answer.

Poland, I can understand that they are conservative. While I haven't had to come out to my parents about this huge of a thing....they just might surprise you.  Okay, worst case scenario is that they are a little disappointed, at least they can stop worrying about what may be going on with you. You need to tell them in your own time and own way, I'm not trying to push you....just know that yeah your dad by saying that seems to me was trying to get you to talk to him.

Hi poland.

Thanks for getting back.

You mention that your mom is gradually changing her attitudes. That is the important. Her ideas are based upon fear of the unknown. Perfectly reasonable really. You mom, like all relatives, is frightened that you will stop being the person she knows and become something she despises. You won't, of course, you will always be you, the same person, the same memories, likes, dislikes. You will just have a presentation that is not what she was expecting. (Who could have expected the Beatles?  )

That's the reality.

But equally, you are so right to think of the consequences. If your parents really do love you, they won't turn completely against you. But they may  be quite determined to bring you back to their way of thinking and be quite tough about it.

Now, how far do you think you can reasonable go?

The option of telling them, they accept everything and immediatly you start on therapy, HRT and new wardrobe, new name and so on.

That is all honesty isn't going to happen. Nice dream, but let's be realistic here.

You need to get through college. That's number one. So, set your calender to that time, when you can begin to be yourself.

Between now and then, try to look for ways to express who you are, without winding them up.

Do you see what I mean?

You try some new colours. See what happens. If they ask, you say you like these colours. You do the same with your taste in music, hobbies, books, clothes if you can and so on. You express more of what you are, gradually, slowly. So they get used to it and understand you are not turning into a horror story.

If they do say anything, you back down.

Now there is one more point you have to get into your mind.

The point you are at in your life is the point that every previous generation of young people has been at.

It's where you have to teach your parents to let go.

You have to slowly let them realise you are not a child any more. That you are getting to the point where you will be their partners, not their charge. But like every previous generation f young people, you can't push it. You can't force them to understand. All you can do is demonstrate that where you are going is a good place, a safe place.

It's your place.

I've been thinking a lot about the replies on here. I'm going home tomorrow for spring break and while I'm definitely not ready to tell my parents everything that's going on in my head, I'm just going to do my best to be myself. I've been wanting to cut my hair short and buy some male clothing for a long time, and if they question me about it, I'll just explain to them that I'm more comfortable this way. I'll see how they react and go from there...

I realize at some point I'll have to tell them more, but I'm just not there yet. I'm still working things out for myself. So for now... baby steps??

Good Luck and I hope it goes well.

You may be very surprised as others have said. Parents opinions about issues such as TG and ender ID can do remarkable flips when they realise their own child is involved. They obviously love you  and I think that love would not be something that will ever be removed.

It is easy for me to say. But I would tell them, in the mean time possibly leaving down some pamphlets on what gender  identity disorder is for 'accidental' finding will trigger the conversation. I believe that there are links in the Wiki section for such info.

Poland,

Good for you, even 'baby steps' are a great start! Wishing you luck and have a good spring break.