I don't want to be stared at.
I don't want to be judged.
I don't want to be analyzed and criticized by a psychologist.
I don't want to be fired.

Because of this I don't want to transition.

I have no support for this.
I have no one that understands.
I have no strength to transition.

And I don't care anymore.

We feel you hon.

I don't think anyone wants to be trans and to go through that stuff. You're right, those things aren't fair, but neither is life. You just have to play the hand you're dealt. Transition does have sucky moments and it has moments that will make you unexpectedly cry tears of joy. At least for me coming out and transitioning, I knew that the ends would justify the means.

I know that stage is difficult, we've all been there. You don't have to come out and transition all at once. Maybe something to work on in the meantime is finding that good support group of friends, seeing a therapist to talk about gender dysphoria (and none of the ones I've had were judgmental), and take your time until you're comfortable enough to transition. Don't let this phase stress you too much, hun.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 10:35:33 AM
I don't want to be stared at.
I don't want to be judged.
I don't want to be analyzed and criticized by a psychologist.
I don't want to be fired.

Because of this I don't want to transition.

I have no support for this.
I have no one that understands.
I have no strength to transition.

And I don't care anymore.

Hi there, a gender transition is not for everyone you know. It's not all one size fits all. There is a whole spectrum in the middle between the poles of doing nothing at all, to a full fledged crossing of sex change street. Support or lack of it are not good reasons to bury your feelings though. Neither is a lack of understanding on those around you. Therapists in the context of a gender transition are not there to criticize or dictate. A therapist who behaves this way is unethical and anyone would be wise to avoid such a therapist. Its not their life to live, its yours, so they are not in any way ethical in describing how you should feel. They are only there to provide some guidance, helpful hints, paperwork when needed. The gender transitioner is the one in the drivers seat saying how much or how little they want to change their life. Your life is your own life to choose how you live, no one else can do that for you, be it man, woman or water buffalo

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 10:35:33 AM
I don't want to be stared at.

You get used to people staring at you even if you pass women get stared at its life!

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 10:35:33 AM

I don't want to be judged.

people are going to judge you regardless.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 10:35:33 AM


I don't want to be analyzed and criticized by a psychologist.

Sometimes a person needs to be analyzed and criticized. To grow as a person you must learn to see your strengths and weaknesses. And use them to your advantage.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 10:35:33 AM



I don't want to be fired.

Nobody does! Are you in a job you love and want to spend the rest of your life doing? What do you love more your job or yourself? Jobs come and go but you will always be you.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 10:35:33 AM










And I don't care anymore.

What do you mean you don't care anymore? If that we're true you wouldn't have posted this! I think you do care!

I don't think too many of us like being trans, but it is what it is.  And for most of us, I'm sure transition was a last resort choice to go through. It simply gets to the point where there isn't so much to lose and so, so much to actually gain from it that you do it, regardless of strength or support.

I don't feel like the reward is equal to the risk. I would rather hide in a shell and be judged for who I'm not; rather than for who I really am.

I just want to hide in a corner...

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 11:40:42 AM
I would rather hide in a shell and be judged for who I'm not; rather than for who I really am.

My experience is this stops working.  Eventually.  I couldn't really begin transition until it did.
In my story, everything was falling apart fast by the time I hit this point.  And I let things fall apart even more before I said enough is enough and started working towards presenting as female.

And now, I transition in spite of the fears you listed in your original post, rather than in their absence.  My alternative is being dead; I no longer have a shell that works.

I hope you find peace somewhere along the line.  I'm starting to find it.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 11:40:42 AM
I just want to hide in a corner...

I can sympathize. The problem is, after a while, you get tired of hiding; especially once it starts to feel like life has passed you by. This is where I am right now.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 11:40:42 AM
I don't feel like the reward is equal to the risk. I would rather hide in a shell and be judged for who I'm not; rather than for who I really am.
I just want to hide in a corner...

It's all up to you hun. No one you can make you transition and no one can stop it either. One day you may feel you had enough of the hiding then may be you will transition, or  you may feel its not worth the risk and you will be happy in your own private shell where no one can judge you.

Always remember
You are the master of your fate:
you are the captain of your soul.

Quote from: anya on February 20, 2013, 12:17:00 PM
Always remember
You are the master of your fate:
you are the captain of your soul.

I wish I wasn't.

And I don't deserve the responsibility, in fact I hate it.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 11:40:42 AM
I don't feel like the reward is equal to the risk. I would rather hide in a shell and be judged for who I'm not; rather than for who I really am.

I just want to hide in a corner...

If your like me eventually you get point where hiding is pointless cause you see yourself getting older. And you realize how short life is and you spent most of it worried about what people would think of you. When for the most part they don't care! You just haven't accepted who you are yet! That was my problem yeah I came out early in life but I didn't fully accept myself. That was my problem. You got to realize you are who you are and accept that. Risk is a part of life! I would rather risk everything to be myself than to gain nothing by playing it safe! Risk makes life worth living! Too bad it took 32 years of not completely living as myself to understand that. I hope you learn that at an earlier age than I did.

Quote from: encircle me on February 20, 2013, 11:51:20 AM
My experience is this stops working.  Eventually. 

Ditto. That's about all I can say on this right now.

It's a bit of an impossible bind. The one thing that always keeps coming back to me, even though my experience with my first therapist was somewhat of a disaster on many levels, the one thing he said that sticks with me, and helps me keep on keeping on, was to point out that the problems I was having were centered in a screwed up and essentially dysfunctional, diseased society... one that fails to cope with the realities that many of us have to find ways to cope with.

Transition is not a cure-all for anyone I know of... it doesn't fix the society at large.

Here's hoping you find some way of being that will work well enough for you.

Quote from: kkut on February 20, 2013, 12:59:15 PM


Definitely a 'glass is half empty' way to look at things.

I don't see it that way. I've done or am doing (as much as anyone) what is consistent with being myself and embracing who I am. Where I face conflicts is almost entirely with that society. I refuse to take ownership of something I have no control over. I don't view this as pessimism... it's pretty objectively true, at least as true as anything can be that involves the complicated mess that daily life can be, and interacting with people who have been abused all their lives without acknowledging that's where their judgmental attitudes and abusive advice are coming from.

For me, it just puts things in perspective and allows me to move on to what I can have some control over. To not acknowledge this would be toxic, at least for me.

I can't hide anymore, at this point I have a shelf life of a few weeks. I either don't do anything and risk suicide or I do something and am judged for it.

Quote from: Elspeth on February 20, 2013, 01:05:36 PM
I don't see it that way. I've done or am doing (as much as anyone) what is consistent with being myself and embracing who I am. Where I face conflicts is almost entirely with that society. I refuse to take ownership of something I have no control over. I don't view this as pessimism... it's pretty objectively true, at least as true as anything can be that involves the complicated mess that daily life can be, and interacting with people who have been abused all their lives without acknowledging that's where their judgmental attitudes and abusive advice are coming from.

For me, it just puts things in perspective and allows me to move on to what I can have some control over. To not acknowledge this would be toxic, at least for me.

This is some quality practical wisdom in my opinion.  Also, Elspeth, you rock in my opinion.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 01:17:03 PM
I can't hide anymore, at this point I have a shelf life of a few weeks. I either don't do anything and risk suicide or I do something and am judged for it.

Then do something and be judged for it. Not all the judgment will be negative.  I would judge that you have tremendous strength of character if you can move forward, even incrementally, in the face of very tangible fear.

And you're not alone. Many of us here on this forum, for instance, are all in the same boat, and personally I see us as in this together (especially re: Elspeth's comments regarding society).

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 01:17:03 PM
I can't hide anymore, at this point I have a shelf life of a few weeks. I either don't do anything and risk suicide or I do something and am judged for it.

I think you should see a therapist about this. I know about having the fear of what people will think of you. It's like any fear if you want to move forward in life you must get past it. It's difficult but it is worth it. I don't want you to think life is not worth living cause it is. Yeah people will judge you but if it wasn't the trans thing it would be something else!

Quote from: kkut on February 20, 2013, 01:25:16 PM
Elspeth, I agree we can't let others define us. The way your former psychologist described society seems a bit extreme, seemed pessimistic to me.

Not so much pessimistic. Society might change, and we certainly should try to make that happen, in the long run, along with our friends and allies (and we should have as many friends and allies as we can stand). I guess you had to be there.

For me it was really more just an affirmation that the problems I face, or that anyone faces, especially anyone who identifies with or gets identified as female, female-identified, feminine, femme, effeminate and any other variations on that, are just something that is there, it is real, and it can be very frustrating and even disheartening at times. But knowing that it's not coming from me, that it's not my defect, and that it doesn't make me bad, evil, perverse (I might be, but that's really something else entirely)... knowing that it's external allows me to let go of it, and sometimes even allows me to make allowances for people who are mired in that toxic sludge, who are often in as much pain or more pain than I am, only they are handling it by projecting their pain and anxieties on me or any other available target.

He wasn't meaning it, or I was not taking it as a downer, just as an insight.

Here's hoping that makes it a little clearer? I do think that most women have had to come to that sort of insight at some point or another, if they are to avoid getting lost in what often seems like perfectly justifiable self-pity, doubt, self-hate, and so on that can express itself in all kinds of negative forms, if we allow ourselves to let it consume us. And sometimes, the bear just eats you anyway.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 01:17:03 PM
I can't hide anymore, at this point I have a shelf life of a few weeks. I either don't do anything and risk suicide or I do something and am judged for it.

Whether you transition or not there will always be someone judging you. That's what people do and that'show society works. We can not control what others think. Once you started transition there will be people criticizing you and there will be people who will admire you for your courage. You need to hold on to the positive things and brush off the negative ones. In my opinion its always better to be judged for who you are than hiding and live in a shelf  .

That is why I transitioned. I preferred to be hated for who I am rather than being loved for some one I am not. Before my transition I was scared, worried what others may think and how they will react to everything. But ultimately I crossed the line and transition and I know I am being judged everyday. But also I have the love and support of many. So its always good and bad But what matters most is I am happy and I am in peace with my self. Now I don't have to fight my feelings to keep them hidden.  I am a woman and now I can show my feelings as a woman.

I think transitioning is somewhat like taking a leap of faith. You are not sure what is in the other end or what will be the out come. But you will do it anyway because you know deep inside it is the right thing, that's what makes you happy and that is who you are.