Excerpt from my recent blog entry "Being at peace, or being in the eye of the storm"
"When I came here to Susan's, I was about bursting, needing to be what I thought was me. The last 3 years I've been actively dealing with the special torment of our kind, with different degrees of agony and coping. Literally a couple of days after I registered here, I met a girl and immediately repressed everything. Why, I'm not sure. I knew it wasn't going to end up as anything very serious and I was missing having someone in my life, physical contact.
....
However, when I went back and opened the floodgates again, they didn't burst open. It was more like vapor escaping. The driving need to break out, rip the false flesh and mask away, denounce the past and grasp the future isn't there. Some things just feel *known*, like they're taken as a given. I suppose it's an absence of needing external validation for everything, but at the same time, after having had that need for so long, it feels empty. Like an apathy, except, I wonder if it isn't just being normal. Normal people don't spend most of their time wondering about literally what they are, right? They just know.
I feel like the me inside should still be screaming though. I say to myself, "Well, because you aren't on the verge of breakdown, maybe you were wrong and this gender stuff is just a phase." So then I ask myself, if that's the case, surely I must be male right?
But no. I know what masculinity is, or at least, what I was shown and told it is. And that isn't for me. Earlier in life, I just wasn't interested in it. After I began to unravel the mysteries, I began actively not wanting it. And that's still the case, but it's more like a "Thanks, but no" rather than tossing it back in the face of the one offering it. I never see myself filling the male roles. I don't want to. And this phase has gone on all my life. Mother told me about when I was like two years old and played Uncle Sam in a fourth of July parade. I wanted to be the statue of liberty. As a kid growing into a teenager I never understood the feelings I had of frustration with why women got to dress the way they did.
Yet, the mere idea of altering one's body so wildly seems like sheer insanity. The very concept that we're so broken is almost mind boggling to try to grasp."
You are much farther along in your journey than I am, but it sounds awfully similar. Regardless of the clothes you're wearing, you are you. In society's eyes, the clothes make the person, but inside, we know that's not the case. How many women cut their hair and stop using makeup because it's too much effort and they're too busy? Some days it seems like every woman over 50 is a butch lesbian.
I absolutely hate my body hair, but I don't shave often enough. It's a pain in the ass, a lot of days I'm too tired to take care of it. I often get bad reactions to shaving, and I've really got no one to to be physical with for it to matter. My bad eyesight keeps me from seeing the stubble in the mirror and it all works out well enough
When I'm in social situations, I find myself unconsciously saying guy things. Probably to help keep the cover, our reflexes come in more ways than just physical. Well, that, and regardless of which gender I'm portraying at the time, I do love a nice set of tits >
You ordering a beer and a pizza may be guy behavior, but it's also behavior you've
done in the past. It's got nothing to do with gender, regardless of your gender, you as a person enjoy beer and pizza. I recall a thread someone made on a different forum, about a friend of his who transitioned. He was talking about football with her, and she started feigning ignorance about things from the game. And her friend KNEW she knew how it worked, they used to spend hours talking about it. But it's not a very feminine thing to be big on football, is it?
Who cares really? Bio women do non feminine things. Especially lesbians
What I'm getting at is that the second we break out of the rigidly defined lines of femininity, we seem to think "well maybe I'm not..." and we lose track of reality doing that. I recall a thread in the sexuality forum where most people responded saying that sex was an incredibly low priority of theirs, etc and so forth. Basically implying that it's a guy thing to be horny. Plenty of biological women
love sex, even if our society doesn't support feminine sexuality in a wholesome way.
And life would be great if we weren't trans. Everything's clear cut and simple in comparison. Edit: I have found, occasionally, that I wish I could just be a guy with a woman. It'd be so simple, so easy. But it's a fantasy, because I'm fairly certain I can't do that. Everyone has fantasies.
