Hey guys, I just wondered what you guys thought were the main issues that you have had to/will have to deal with during your transition? For example relationship challenges, employment, general harassment etc....
Do you think this is the same for most of us or just you in particular?

Tanks, really interested in seeing how everyone else feels about this

Quote from: CJ on February 20, 2013, 08:38:26 AM
Hey guys, I just wondered what you guys thought were the main issues that you have had to/will have to deal with during your transition? For example relationship challenges, employment, general harassment etc....
Do you think this is the same for most of us or just you in particular?

Tanks, really interested in seeing how everyone else feels about this

Apart from the obvious problems involved in coming out as trans to my husband and teenage kids(!), one of the biggest issues for me has been a loss of my privacy.

I learned from an early age to keep my identity to myself, because my parents and teachers would ridicule and punish me for telling them that I was a boy. So I've hidden myself away and put on a persona that would enable me to get by in life. But now that I've come out as trans, I've revealed a heck of a lot more about myself than I ever thought I'd feel comfortable with. I'm not comfortable with it. But it's been necessary so that I can transition.

Another big problem, especially with being short & girly, is recognition and acceptance. I've met with a lot of passive aggression from people who are clearly not prepared to accept me for what I am, but are forced to not say anything because of employment/equality laws. You just know that they'd love to say something derogatory but they daren't do so without risking their jobs.

It's especially annoying with 'clockers'. I put them into two categories: stinkers and smirkers.

'Stinkers' look at you like they've just smelled something bad. I had that happen to me at the optician's just last week, when a gay member of staff clearly didn't like the fact that I had the temerity to use a male name when he had so obviously decided on my behalf that I must be a lesbian (newsflash: I don't even like girls).

'Smirkers' are the ones who give you the knowing grin that says "I know what's really going on here.". It makes me want to say: "Do you? Do you really think you know what it's like to be forcibly raised as a girl even though you're a boy? Does child abuse generally amuse you, or only this particular kind?"

biggest issue for me have been the goverment, schools, and parents.

I had endless fights between me and my parents, but it have seen to turn out for the better and there slowly start to try using the right pronouce now which is great.
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I also have had a hard time with schools cause I been rejected for being trans, or simple dont feel I belong, if I told people I where trans or it slipped out I would be to blame why I even mention it, if I dont say anything I have to heard about indirect transphobia talking over my head about "all those freaky stuff"
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and yeah goverment, as most people know from my post, I just have so much problems with old laws, and corruption for the transsystem who infect me or my friends. it sure also have infected my transition.

Expenses and time waiting to get transition over with.

therapy for some to begin the process, then doctor's appointments, lab tests, prescriptions, - these are all manageable, but surgery is a big hurdle you have to plan for, and that is rough when you are impatient and uncomfortable in binders. Let alone if you want bottom surgery - even more money, than you have to wait a couple of years of being on hormones before you can get the surgery at all.

In the magical land of universal health care the surgeries are paid for, but it seems like people have to spend time on waiting lists and jumping through bureaucratic hoops and requirements for all of the above, so it is a trade-off.

If you have savings and do informed consent you can accomplish everything quickly, but for most of us this a drawn out process that requires willpower and patience.

I'll put this in a few different categories which cover a lot of things:

Money. During transition there's problems with finding a job, and maintaining it while also trying to afford hormones and other transition costs (name change, updated license, increased car insurance costs). When you're "post transition" you're actually more likely to get a higher income (as a part of male privilege).

Relationships. This includes relationships with new people, and people from my past. I have a weird time trying to meet new people because I don't like befriending people who are transphobic or homophobic even if we get along great other wise. There's trying to let people from the past either get out of my life because they continue to mess up and make mistakes repeatedly OR keep them in my life. Also, trying to navigate romantic relationships and sex...finding people to date who aren't transphobic or fetishizing.

Being patient. It took me about 5 years or so to finally get on hormones and when I got them they were sooooo slooooow. Pre-T I kinda "went with the flow" and thought people don't see me as male because I'm not on hormones, and that's okay. Then I got on hormones and kinda thought in my head "well, it seems like most guys start to get 50/50 at 6 months then I probably will too!" At 6 months nothing changed. I took a poll trying to figure out when people saw the scale dip into being seen as male more often than not, and the answer was (I believe) 6-9 months with nobody responding at it taking over a year. So I waited...one year came up and there really wasn't much change but my levels were fine. A year and a half...still not at that tipping point. Anyways...things were super duper slow with me in terms of physical changes and that was super annoying. Plus the fact that I was still bleeding for much longer than what it seemed most guys were saying.

Dealing with gendered situations. Alright, this one is kinda vague for a reason...it covers a few things. There are some fitting rooms and locker rooms that are just one big room without any privacy. I like being able to get into a stall or something when it comes to fitting rooms so I feel okay with being shirtless, or pantless. Some places don't have that option. Then there's locker rooms...where presumably you'll be nude at some point in time. And there's also dealing with OBGYNs. Why is there a dude going to an OBGYN? What the heck do you do there? All of those things are kinda awkward to deal with but not incredibly troubling.

Relationships. This includes relationships with new people, and people from my past. I have a weird time trying to meet new people because I don't like befriending people who are transphobic or homophobic even if we get along great other wise.


this is so much me,
actually it much worse when I pass than when I dont. while I didnt pass I would point out I wasnt female, so clearly I came out being trans and everyone knew. but as I pass I got more lazy and the topic wouldnt be mention as often, this would also mean people wouldnt belive I was trans and come with transphobic comments.

For me the biggest issue can probably be boiled down to that I have to learn how to stick up for myself and be my own advocate in a way I probably wouldn't have otherwise. I have issues with my family not taking me (or my transition) seriously, and I've had to learn how to speak for myself and stand up for myself. It's the hardest with family. But the same thing happens in other situations, like with friends that don't understand, or people who misgender me. The fact that I don't really pass makes that harder as well...I don't really have my external features to "stand up" for me (it's easier for people to adjust and accept when you look undoubtedly male).

The good news about that is, I've failed at in many times. It's taken me years to even begin properly standing up for myself. And despite the failures everything is OK. I just have to keep trying pretty much. It's frustrating to have to stand up for who you are and correct people over and over, and sometimes I get downright exhausted, but...meh, that's my life and it's better I learn to do it now. If I started passing right away it would have been great for my dysphoria but it would have also kept me unable to fight my own battles too, because this is forcing me to.

Other than that I've been unusually blessed, I think. No problems with doctors, no problems at work/school, and so on and so forth. I've experienced some discrimination (mostly anti-lesbian, as that's how I'm seen), but nothing outright dangerous.

Money. I don't have enough money and having medical disabilities that will probably never change. Money is needed for every part of transition and especially for traveling to a doctor that knows about trans medical issues.

Friendships. Most people aren't getting it, one person I thought was a friend has turned out to be a transphobe. I imagine I will lose more friends if I'm ever able to get on hormones. Some are already accusing me of being someone different or changing even though the only thing that has changed is my appearance, I'm wearing more masculine clothing. Odd that this is being made an issue, I've never dressed extremely girly and usually went more for androgynous clothing.

Family relationships. Most of my family is comprised of transphobes, homophobes, and ultra conservative christian/catholic/etc types. I pretty much am going to have to cut many of them out entirely, not even let them know I'm transitioning for my own safety.

Safety. I live in a town full of rednecks, transphobes, homophobes and everyone that isn't bi or cis gender conforming seems to be in the closet. I can't afford to move. If I don't pass, or even if I'm just seen as butch which I'm sure is the case now, I have to worry about my safety.

Gender markers. I had the crap luck of being born in a state with draconian laws regarding changing gender markers on birth certificates. Of course my parents moved AFTER I was born to a state with better laws in that regard. I can't afford surgery of any sort so odds are I'm stuck with the wrong gender marker on my certificate which will cause all sorts of other complications.

Biggest challange i've overcome so far: Coming out to friends and family. That was very hard to do, though everyone turned out to be very supportive.

Hardest Challenge ive yet to overcome: I'm worried about having a career on the law force. I expect to passing almost %100 by then and have no initial troubles, but it's part of my past and eventually I'm sure i'll be found out and i'll get hassled for it. I just hope that when that time comes I am more able to defend myself if things ever got violent or physical. It's one of my biggest worries, but at the same time I refuse to let what might happen stop me from doing what I love and want to do.

I find the most distrubing issue I've come across is the need for HRT. I live in Southern Oregon and there is no one that will take care of it. No doctor in Josephine or Jackson counties will help with it. The closest place to get help with this is to drive 4 1/2 hours to Portland, Or or 5 1/2 hours to San Francisco. So it's just insane and the cost is horrible between the walk through the door and then the cost of the treatment.

Quote from: OregonTony on February 20, 2013, 06:32:42 PM
I find the most distrubing issue I've come across is the need for HRT. I live in Southern Oregon and there is no one that will take care of it. No doctor in Josephine or Jackson counties will help with it. The closest place to get help with this is to drive 4 1/2 hours to Portland, Or or 5 1/2 hours to San Francisco. So it's just insane and the cost is horrible between the walk through the door and then the cost of the treatment.

I know that there's therapists in Medford, but I don't know if there's endocrinologists in the area. Will look around for you.

Edit to add: OSU has some pretty decent care. Here's a page specifically for trans people in Oregon...you can ask them more direct questions in finding resources near you: http://transoregon.tumblr.com/

My main challenge is dysphoria. I guess I got pretty lucky that i never had much problems otherwise. My parents and friends accepted me immediately, i transitioned young, i live stealth, i pass completely,  and experience very little discrimination due to my transsexualism. I mean some people have been ->-bleeped-<-s to me about it but nothing compared to what most of you guys go through. i can barely handle the dysphoria alone so i have mad respect for all of you that have to deal with bigots on top of that.

My biggest issue is dealing with the effects of T on my already less-than-healthy body.  That's why it will be a while before I start to make sure I am a bit more physically prepared for it.

Another issue is that I am afraid that I won't find employment and if I do then I won't be accepted.  I'm also concerned about additional violence and discrimination that I will face.

Relationships worry me as well.  I want to keep all of my relationships with my family, but I know that won't be possible.  I'd like to have a girlfriend one day too but I feel it will be harder for me to find one.

My main concern is that it basically won't get better if I transition.

Constant reminders that I am not a regular guy- binders are uncomfortable, my voice is annoyingly high, I am not allowed to use the men's washroom, people calling me "she" (even after I've introduced myself as Victor), etc.

Impatience- I want to get on T now and I want my chest fixed now. Unfortunately, my doctor still has no information for me on how to get on T, so that's at a standstill atm. Surgery isn't covered in my province, so I have to wait until I have money and/or move to another province.

Social situations- I know how to act like a socially acceptable female. The only social things I know guys do are the ones that I keep hearing people complain about, so I don't know what to do. I act more feminine or hostile the shyer I get. I don't know how to make friends with other guys. I'm constantly wary that others may see me as female anyway or as some sort of in between person.

At some point my worries about my family shifted from "how will they react and will they ever see me as their son" to being worried about what would happen if they saw me as their son, because I'm a pretty effete boy (and don't see that changing much post-transition.) I'm worried that my father, who already knows I have some "big secret" but has no idea what it is, won't have any idea how to connect with me if he's in his 60s and dealing with me as his whiny, overdramatic son who wears perfume, has depression and can't cope with life.

I'm also worried that I won't find some easy way to get top surgery relatively soon after starting T and that I'll have super-dysphoria about a hairy but very womanly chest 

And I'm really worried that I'm going to have to become almost a different person if I want people to recognize me as male. As much as I hate paperwork, I wish I could just file some basic set of papers that would mean I was a man in the eyes of the law & society and that I could wave it in people's faces as "proof" of my gender, instead of worrying about "passing" and such.

My biggest issue so far has been my parents. I haven't actually used the word transgender in relation to me yet (I have a hard time talking with my dad in general), but I have said things like 'I want to be a boy'. My dad is really close-minded and he takes every chance he can get to make a 'joke' about me not having a boy's body. For example, he will say "I have a penis and you don't", or just remind me that 'I'm a girl'. My mom on the other hand, doesn't make jokes, but she doesn't like it either. I'm not sure how to talk to them about it where they will understand, especially my dad. One day I asked him how he felt about transgender people and he called them freaks. I also have a packer that I bought on the internet, that I have to hide from my parents. I wear it when I go out, but I'm worried that if my parents find it, they will throw it out. Shopping with my mom is also a big issue, as she never wants me to go in the men's section. I just wish I could talk to them about it so they would understand.

Of course, another issue is money. Not having a job yet, and unsupportive parents means no hormones. And if I do get a job, I'm worried what my boss and co-workers will say/think when I come out to them about being transgender.

Passing is also another big issue for me. Since I'm not on hormones yet, my voice really gives me away. I've only ever passed twice so far - both times at Wal-Mart (tip to other FtMs - fedoras really help!). Dysphoria is another big one as well, especially when I shower, and shark week. I tend to get really depressed and not want to do anything. It helps if I don't think about all my trans issues, but of course that's really hard.

Welcome to the site, PhotonDragon.
My issues? My mother is in power and wants this little girl that she shoved into dresses to be me. I didn't know I had options. No one got up and said "Hey kid, you can go over there and pick out clothes from the boys' section!". There was a thrill with being there, too- this dark jungle I was forbidden to explore. I liked Tonka and tutus, but that was always me, a walking set of contradictions. It's not my fault that the masculine side became my mind at puberty and the feminine side claimed my body, but the gap is too big because social encounters might be less awkward if I went around wearing a chicken suit. I don't want to leave my house because I'm out to a tiny number of kids at school and yet a massive number of the student body know two things- my birth name and the implied status of my body. How the hell is it fair that I don't even know them and they know me as a girl named *birth name*?

I've got so much mental baggage and I can't even start taking care of it because this is dragging me down. My own parents tell me that they're going to do what they feel is best. If I'm showing you that you're wrong in the nicest way possible, "but we don't feel that way" isn't acceptable! Can you work on doing something for me and not for yourselves?

Seems like everyone has had much different experiences then! What is the funding like for you guys? Are you entitled to anything at all?

Quote from: CJ on February 24, 2013, 05:07:33 PM
Seems like everyone has had much different experiences then! What is the funding like for you guys? Are you entitled to anything at all?

I wish. Not allowed access to anything I currently have moneywise, so I'd have to set something up with the school if I were to tutor as a job to be paid in cash ^^

My mother is my custodial parent, so she takes the whole "my house, my rules" thing to an extreme in order to control my life. She polices what I wear and who I get to talk to, and hates that I use the internet which is my only means of escape. Yay for control freaks.

Quote from: CJ on February 24, 2013, 05:07:33 PM
Seems like everyone has had much different experiences then! What is the funding like for you guys? Are you entitled to anything at all?

I...don't really know. I have weird insurance which is mainly controlled by my father, so I don't know what it covers. I'm trying to find a gender therapist or someone who can walk me through how to fund things. I haven't come out yet and I want help to do that, too. My main hope right now is to find a therapist who I can get my dad to pay for who doesn't just do gender things so I don't have to come out to him, and with their help figure out a plan of attack for coming out & transitioning. There's a lot wrong with my life money-wise right now in ways unrelated to being trans (a mysterious vanishing college fund, for one) so I've got a lot on my plate before I could fund anything.