For ME,i believe it is fate.as odd as it may sound,i do not believe i was ment to *be* a woman but live as one for one purpose and that was to have two sons,aside from having an understanding on both sides.Then again i do not see myself as trans in its true term,but a man.I have always tried *and for over 30 years mind you* to be the perfect woman in every way but every time i would get disappointed when shown it was wrong.i have battled it for a long time,not knowing who i was *ment* to be but things have become very clear to me and i now have no doubts whatsoever.I have even had dreams on this subject,things clearly pointed out to me.For example,after finally picking a name,i asked a male friend to start calling me this and when he did-i felt comfortable,unwavering,no second thoughts.Of course this is small but also my body its self *yes physically* it knew it was ment to be male *long story there*.This is a question we can only answer personally.

I was born and raised male, but I only know how to see myself as female.  Since I'm no longer trying to force myself to see myself as a boy I'm actually really excited to get out of this gender

when I where younger I belived being trans where something about your past life.
that ex, I would have lived my life as male who hated women and threated them badly, and then I had to become "a woman" to understand and gain respect for them.

now when I am older I am not all sure what exactly makes people trans, I have tried to blame social thing, like "that I didnt try hard enough being a girl" but it also seams wierd and I dont like the idea,

thinking of being a girl simple makes me sad and thats why I transitioned in the first place.
insteed I have turned it around, that when gender varientations is fluid in nature this must also be in the human world.

theres many provements of this, yet the typical mordern sociaty have very strick genderoles, and views who got to infect people mind of what is natural and what is unnatural. can you really take a guy serious, whos agument for something is unatural while his sitting in a radiostudio eating candy with I dont know how many wierd things I dont have a idea on what would be.

I belive it must be natural that we are all diffrent so by that it should also be natural why we are transgender, some people just cant accept that.

what exactly makes someone trans is unsure.. but I guess it could be a kind of intersex thing with the brain,
both my parrents actually have something wierd going on with there homones, and my dad ex had too little T in his body when he where at my age. Maybe this could have infected me.

Whatever god is up there is an evil harpy fingering herself to my pain.

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 21, 2013, 11:11:12 PM
I don't know per say...but I think all people who are minorities are effectively what black is to white, yin is to yang, god is to "Satan" (the opposer). We are the fool, the joker, the trickster incarnate. A living symbol of change, rebellion, and ultimately compassion, love, and understanding...

While I've felt this from time to time (along with dozens of other feelings and interpretations) I'm not sure now where it fits with the experience I had when prescribed Celexa sent me into a mania, accompanied by a kind of religious vision (keep in mind that I am hugely skeptical about such things, but did grow up in a religious background and spent a great deal of my childhood asking God to fix me or make me whole and consistent outwardly to what I felt inside).

The vision involved a large group of godesses, who in essence appeared to me, telling me they were there to protect me from the flood of information that was flowing in on me at the time, threatening to overwhelm... I had the strongest impression that without their presence, the flow of images, ideas, and information would almost literally burn out my brain, and they assured me that they would prevent that, and preserve the information that was of value, and that, through them, I would be able to access what I might need of that information through my connection to them. This got me through an otherwise sleepless and agitated night.

In the morning, the day after Valentine's Day, I had a wonderful conversation with my father-in-law, one of the most open conversations I'd had with him -- he was there to accompany me to my therapist, since at this point everyone was pretty sure I was having a manic episode.  At the therapist's office I literally collapsed just outside his door, had lost the ability to maintain the control for any longer. Disturbing at that might sound, I compare it to what happens to others in a manic episode, and it is mild and safe by comparison.

What I can recall from that moment onward, at least for the next 18 to 24 hours, is mainly a very dark vision... the collapse was presaged by the appearance (and here's where I finally bring this back to context) of a single trickster Goddess, claiming all the other Goddesses were a lie, some sort of ruse, something to put me into a false sense of security while she found the hooks to drag me into an abyss. And it got darker from there.

Apparently, I was still able to move to some degree, however. My therapist drove me to a nearby mental ward, and for some reason staff there were willing to think that I was aware enough of where I was to sign myself in voluntarily, though I don't trust the memory I more or less constructed a day or two later of having done so, after the other drugs had their chance to work.

This is a more mundane account of what led to the incident.

I thought I had this online, but hosting of my personal website must have gone without my noticing...

She dubs the voices for jealous gods

Since it's a fairly specifically formatted poem and would take an hour or more to reformat to the forum (and it's long, at ~8 pages) I've put it online in PDF format, combined with some watercolor sketches I did at the time that are also relevant to the visions.

Prolly cause I'm crazy.

Who knows though and honestly, most times I don't care, it isn't gonna change the more thought I put into it, so...

Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 22, 2013, 09:52:34 AM
Prolly cause I'm crazy.

Who knows though and honestly, most times I don't care, it isn't gonna change the more thought I put into it, so...

Don't dismiss "crazy" as a negative thing...

I would strongly agree, though, that some ways of dwelling on these things are not particularly constructive... sometimes the thinking (and feeling) may just be necessary, though.

If I've learned anything from doing it a bit more than I'd probably have liked, it's that, if I am going to dwell on it, it's better to channel that thinking and feeling into something creative. What that creative thing is depends entirely on what gives you comfort and helps to center yourself. 

There's little doubt, from one fairly uninteresting perspective, that I am crazy, but then so have been almost every person in history that I admire and appreciate. Crazy people have added more beauty (and comfort) to this world than their relative scarcity in numbers would suggest they could have done.  Some have also been very destructive.

It's my fervent hope, though, that there's at least some degree of choice in the matter of whether to add beauty and comfort, or sow discord and destruction (which may have its own kind of beauty, and may even serve a necessary purpose, though it's something I tend to try to avoid myself).

Quote from: Elspeth on February 22, 2013, 10:10:36 AM
Don't dismiss "crazy" as a negative thing...

I would strongly agree, though, that some ways of dwelling on these things are not particularly constructive... sometimes the thinking (and feeling) may just be necessary, though.

If I've learned anything from doing it a bit more than I'd probably have liked, it's that, if I am going to dwell on it, it's better to channel that thinking and feeling into something creative. What that creative thing is depends entirely on what gives you comfort and helps to center yourself. 

There's little doubt, from one fairly uninteresting perspective, that I am crazy, but then so have been almost every person in history that I admire and appreciate. Crazy people have added more beauty (and comfort) to this world than their relative scarcity in numbers would suggest they could have done.  Some have also been very destructive.

It's my fervent hope, though, that there's at least some degree of choice in the matter of whether to add beauty and comfort, or sow discord and destruction (which may have its own kind of beauty, and may even serve a necessary purpose, though it's something I tend to try to avoid myself).

Oh, I don't see being crazy as necessarily bad and I readily admit to anyone that I am a little off, but mostly in a good way.

And considering being trans is something I can't change, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter why I am that way. The only explanation I give to people irl is that I've felt that way since I was little and finally needed to do something about it. Most people seem fine with it since they see I'm nice, kind, respectful and seem happy to them.

Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 22, 2013, 10:22:38 AM
Most people seem fine with it since they see I'm nice, kind, respectful and seem happy to them.

And that's probably the best attitude to have, since it'll help defeat those annoying negative stereotypes .

I probably have PCOS. When I was told this (and given birth control = estrogen and such) to correct it, I became suddenly very upset, as if something very dear to me was threatened. Sorting through my feelings over that were how I more or less pieced together that I was trans. It really shouldn't have been a surprise to me since I always pretended to be a boy in my and my friends' in-jokes, but it was.

As such I think I'm probably trans because of hormones/brain stuff and because of living with those hormones/brain stuff and incorporating them into my experience of myself to the point where they're really a part of me and I wouldn't be myself without them.

For a while I thought that I "thought I was a boy" because in my last few incarnations I had been and my memory of them was still muddling my perceptions (this was when I was a teenager.)

At this point in my life, though, the why's and wherefore's are not as interesting to me as the how--how will I become myself?

I used to think that I was born into this body as punishment by some higher power or as a learning experience, and that I must have been a terrible misogynist. But that seemed weird because even before I realized what was wrong, I was always an avid believer in equality and acceptance, peace-loving even despite a temper and a love of GTA 

I think my second sentence ever was me demanding that my father and grandmother stop fighting because I've always hated people not getting along, even in combat. First one wasn't so meaningful XP But anyway, I don't think it's a lesson in self-acceptance, but just a genuine screw-up in the Parts Department.

Quote from: Kuan Yin on February 21, 2013, 10:16:42 PM
Kia Ora,

Just out of interest, why do you 'think' you are transgender?

Simple. I have a penis when I should have a vagina. 

Quote from: EmSchuma on February 22, 2013, 10:24:49 AM
And that's probably the best attitude to have, since it'll help defeat those annoying negative stereotypes .

From what I was told, some people expect our sort to be bitter, have bad attitudes, etc.  Apparently, they were surprised to see how pleasant I was.  Of course, these were people who knew I was trans due to someone they knew running their big mouths(lol)  before actually meeting me.

Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 22, 2013, 11:05:45 AM
From what I was told, some people expect our sort to be bitter, have bad attitudes, etc.  Apparently, they were surprised to see how pleasant I was.  Of course, these were people who knew I was trans due to someone they knew running their big mouths(lol)  before actually meeting me.

I like to think that there are plenty of worse things than being trans.  I could be a guy, for example!

Quote from: EmSchuma on February 22, 2013, 11:21:11 AM
I like to think that there are plenty of worse things than being trans.  I could be a guy, for example!

You mean the type of guy that's the "Big burley hairy manly man"? Lol

Or the white guy who is trying to look like a black rapper (also somewhat manly).

Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 22, 2013, 11:25:22 AM
You mean the type of guy that's the "Big burley hairy manly man"? Lol

Or the white guy who is trying to look like a black rapper (also somewhat manly).

Both?  Even when I was trying to be a guy I didn't want to be either.

Quote from: EmSchuma on February 22, 2013, 11:27:51 AM
Both?  Even when I was trying to be a guy I didn't want to be either.

T-T my attempt at a joke failed...

Play me off Johnny...(piano music)

I have 2 main theories, I was very premature & it was touch & go as to weather i'd make it through the first few weeks, I got told by a GP when I was a teenager that during development we have phases that can effect our health when born, if you are born at the right phase you will be healthier but if you are born at the wrong phase your health will be poor (this was at least 20 yrs ago so medical science may have disproved this theory).
I often wondered that if I wasn't premature then my mind would have had time to correct the mistake but current medical research is rapidly destroying this idea.

The other theory is that if there is truth in the belief of reincarnation, maybe we have to alternate between male & female each lifetime in an attempt at cosmic balance but this time I should have been female.
Or maybe i've always been female in past lives & at a subconcious level I know this.

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 22, 2013, 10:53:43 AM
Simple. I have a penis when I should have a vagina. 

Kia Ora Brooke,

Good one 

Metta Zenda

Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 22, 2013, 09:52:34 AM
Prolly cause I'm crazy.

Kia Ora CATC,

"Go sell crazy somewhere else...We're all stocked up here!" 





Metta Zenda