First I wanna say I have missed you guys. I changed my name because I don't feel like my face popping up on the internet as one of the first things if someone are searching my surname. I have no problem with people knowing I'm Trans, but I really don't want to deal with this right now. I might change my name back when the time comes. (I'm Sparrowhawke btw)
Then I have some good and some bad news.
Well the good news is that my name is finally changed. Yay me! (I still need to change it again when I come to UK, but at least It's gender neutral)
Then the not so good ones. I don't have a job and I'm not under any education. That really isn't the bad news. Of cause it's not fun to be unoccupied, but that's life sometimes (and since I'm an artist I might get a little better off than most people). It is also a little problem because It's harder to save up to anything.
The real bad news is that we lost the 'trans war' if I can call it that. People over 18 found out that they could still get hormones so most didn't care about all of us that still couldn't get anything. Yes some people still kept on fighting, but we whereto few to really do anything. Because of this I was angry and sad at the same time. I can understand they had their reasons, but I can't help feeling left in the dust. Abandoned. I got something depression-like because of this. I hope I'm over that, but I'm not totally sure about that. It could come back again. I really just feel like I'm in 'limbo'. It feels like no one wants to help me and I can't even help myself. Especially the part about me not being able to help myself. I could self medicate, but then I risk getting in jail, and/or over dosing. The jail thing might be a nice to say I have gotten in jail for being me, but I really don't want to do that.
'Okay' I thought 'then I'll just stop thinking about it!' and I did that. I mean there is nothing I can do about, then why think about it? It will just make it worse.
And then it got worse. I sometimes have these really creepy nightmares (the last one about where I went a year back in time were I actually could get T. The dream felt 100% real and felt like it was made for me to blame my self for all of this crap I'm in right now), I can sometimes be randomly really sad and pretty much blame my self for everything (like in the dreams) or I'm just sad thinking about it.
This sounds a lot like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), but it would be nice to know what you guys think.
I also feel really alone now for some reason. It might be because I stopped feeling connected to my country's trans group, because nothing else changed. I rarely talk with anyone but a few people (my mom and a friend I don't like). I do talk with my friends sometimes, but not often.
